Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)
105
The Garden Centre
(and Very Special Plants!)
Dring, dring. Dring, dring.
"Hello, Crustabel Leekey speaking."
"Good morrow Bel. This is Crusty Nibbleswick speaking from his telephone in his lickle hallway at 13 Bakewell Drive, or at least I think it is, burrall go an' check if ya likes!"
"Good morrow Crusty, ya don't need to check. I were just thinking about you!"
"I know, that's why I gid yer a ring. Worisit ya wants me fo'?"
Bel just stared open-mouthed down the phone. How could he possibly have known she was thinking about him?
"Alreet owd smarty arty farty pants! If ya knew I were thinking about ya, wot were I thinking about?"
"Neh then, let me see. Is it summat to do wi' goin' to't garding centre again Bel?"
Her huge jaw dropped down onto the glass table with a thud, which formed a huge crack in it. That's exactly what she was going to suggest.
"Yes lad it is. How did ya know?"
"Well, I suppose it's 'cos I se'ed the sun shining, the birds were singing an' it looked like the sort o' day we'd go to't garding centre, that's all!"
"Okay then. I'll pick y'up in an hour. I need to re-stock some of me plants for spring an' I'll get you a few treats as well like a farty little garden gnome or summat. Okay lad?"
"Oooh goody! Reet Bel. See ya in an hour then!"
He started his mad scuttle around tidying up. He got a damp cloth from the kitchen and "dusted" his furniture, then dried it all off with a grubby tea cloth.
She arrived on time and, seeing she was in the Volvo, his eyes lit up.
"Have ya brought a feed wi' ya Bel?"
"I have owd lad. Butties, pies, barms an' a flask o' tea! We'll make a day of it shall we owd fettler?"
"Bluddy beltin' Bel!"
They drove over to the large garden centre in Ormskirk and, as it was a gorgeous day, there were a lot of people there, all with the same thoughts as Bel and Crusty.
For the middle of March it was indeed a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and there was no wind. It was nice and warm too, and it just made you think that finally spring was on the way after the snow and ice of just a few weeks before.
They had a trolley, with which Crusty was zooming all over the place, dashing here and there to see what sort of plants he could have and making people jump out of his way as he went, as he tried to mow them down.
"Well Crusty. Have ya seen owt ya fancy owd lad?"
"Not yet Bel burrave heard o' one on a gardinging programme tharra think I might like, burrave not seen one anywhere yet an'a don't know wot they look like either!"
"Worisit called lad?"
By now he'd darted off again, but he just caught the question so he shouted over the other side of the pots of rose bushes, which were yards away.
"I wants one o' them Penus Flytraps Bel? Will ya buy me a Penus Flytrap please Bel?"
Several people had heard him. In fact, most people within a two mile radius had heard him, and some of them burst out laughing but some were disgusted, especially two little old ladies whose daughters had taken them for a nice day out straight after church!
"Shut yer bluddy hole shouting like that, and get round here!"
He obediently scurried back to his Bel. She sounded annoyed with him for something, but he couldn't fathom out what it was. Screeching to a halt at her side again on all fours, he grinned shyly up at her like a little monkey, banana in hand.
"Wossup? Worrava done wrong now Bel?"
"Don't keep shouting yer bluddy daft talk out like that, ya red-arsed pigmy, and stand up proper. People think yer bluddy daft? Where did ya get that banana from?"
"Burra yam daft Bel aren't I? Ya keeps telling me I am anyway! I've started keeping a banana down't front of me trousers for when I ger'ungry!"
She pulled a face.
"Ya shouted summat out that's not very nice while ya were over there. It's a
VENUS Flytrap ya meant!"
His eyes welled up with tears and his bottom lip started trembling.
"Burra cawn't go all't way to Venus just for a plant Bel! It were bad enough when I were on me way up to Mars that time when that aeroplane clod me out, but in't Venus a bit further than that, an'ad need a space ship to get theer? Will ya buy me one Bel?"
Pelt!!
"Shaddap ya daft looking sod! It's no bluddy wonder Soreen buggered off an' left ya! In any case, wot d'ya want a Venus Flytrap for?"
"Well they're a bit like me in a way as they grab out at stuff t'ayte, so I thowt we might have summat in common an' ickle gimme summat to talk to when yer busy!!"
"Aye well, I suppose yer nearer to plant life than human anyway. Ya could probably ger'a proper conversation out o' one o' them. We'll have a look and see if they've got one, burra think ya've got to keep 'em in a greenhouse, and ya've not got one o' them!"
"Well ya'll just have't buy me a greenhouse't pur'it in then!"
Pelt!
"Ouch!"
They didn't find one, but Bel made him a promise.
"I'll tell ya worrall do owd lad. One day next week I'll make ya a Venus flytrap out o' some bits and pieces. I'll make it so as it grabs out at stuff whenever ya goes near it. It'll give ya summat to play with, okay?"
"Ta Bel, bur'it won't be't same."
She smirked sardonically at him.
"No, it'll be better!"
Over the next week Bel could be found in her large shed tinkering with some bits and pieces! She had cogs and wheels, nuts and bolts, oddments of rubber, pieces of metal and a few sets of metal jaws, all which she welded together to make a six-inch wide mouth with sharp teeth, and a small passive infra red eye which reacted when anything passed by. It took her several days to make, and after she'd wired it up, she plugged it in and tested it by waving her hand in front of it.
She sat back for a moment and admired her handy work, then had a little snicker.
It worked a treat, but she needed to test it properly on something human shaped, so she got her tailor's dummy from her workroom and tried it out, making a few minor adjustments.
Whirrrr, click, screech, snap, whirrr, click, screech, snap!
Perfect!
She'd made it almost in accordance with the general shape of Crusty's chosen plant, a picture of which she'd found in one of her gardening books, but with a BIG difference.
Finally, she spray painted it and made it look pretty, dressing it up in bits of cotton wool and fringing then placed it neatly in a box which she parcelled up and posted to Crusty. She had a huge happy beam on her face as she handed it in over the post office counter for them to weigh, then paid and walked out!
"That'll make his bluddy eyes water! Neh then, that's given me a bit of an appetite."
She called in at the Loaf About just as Crusty was in mid-whoosh, so wickedly she put out her foot, which he tripped over. There were plates, saucers, cups and all sorts crashing down in a heap all around him.
It favvered a Greek wedding!
"Oops, sorry owd lad. Didn't see ya whooshing about! Ya were goin' that bluddy fast ya were just a blur!"
He got up off the floor and grinned, feeling daft.
"Hiya Bel. Have ya come for some brekkie?"
"I have that lad, I'm bluddy hungry!"
"Me too! Can I have a hanch as well?"
"No, you're working so ger'agate."
The next morning a parcel was delivered to 13 Bakewell Drive, Pemberton and Crusty was asked to sign for it.
After the postman had gone, he just stood there turning it this way and that, shaking it, sniffing it to see if it was a food parcel and eventually, after a lot of deliberating, he ripped the brown paper off to reveal a box inside.
He sniffed at it again then started unpeeling the four hundred yards of cellotape that Bel had wound around it, snickering as she went and finally, after a lot of frustration, he got the box open and looked in.
"Worisit? I cawn't understand why somebody'd send me a prezzie of a dolly without any instructions to follow, not tharrad understand 'em anyway. I wonder who's sent it."
He searched for a note, but found none then he picked up the object and sniffed at it again to see if it was edible. He then noticed the plug on the end so he plugged it into the wall socket. It was approximately twenty inches tall and quite heavy, and to Crusty it looked like a mechanical plant but with arms and legs.