Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)
On the hat she'd written
"OWD SCROOGE" and the placard around his neck read:
HE WANTED SOMEWHERE TO HANG HIS BALLS
AND HE IS NONE THE WISER
HE WOULDN'T FORK OUT FOR A CRISP MUS TREE
THE TIGHT OWD TURDY MISER
The kids started tittering after they'd read the poster and nudged each other giggling.
"Is it reet that mister? Are ya a tight owd turdy miser?"
"Mmmmmph!"
One of the kids removed the tape from his mouth.
"Wot were ya trying't say owd fettler?"
"Bugger off ya lickle sod or I'll gi' thi' a pelt!"
The other child, who was the bigger of the two, squared up to Crusty and stuck his face into Crusty's menacingly.
"Go on then, y'owd turd. Let's see ya!"
With that, Bel stepped in and unceremoniously dragged Crusty back into his house, laughter still ringing in his ears.
"Worrava bin punished for this time Bel? I've done nowt wrong. Let me loose out o' this rope will ya please?"
She took her Swiss Army knife out of her pocket and cut him free, winding the Christmas tree lights up again. It took him a while, but he finally managed to extricate himself from the tree decorations as well, then the hat and placard, both of which he read.
"Aw Bel. Ya've gone and shown me up good and proper in front of me neighbours. I'll never be able't live this down!"
"That's a sample of wor'it feels like to be shown up in public. I'm off wom!"
Sulk!
"Sorry Bel!"
"Crusty! Ya know that film The Incredible Hulk?"
"Yis Bel. Wor'about it?"
"Well you're The Incredible Sulk! Yer allers bluddy sulking wi' yer bottom lip hanging down on yer boots!"
"I know, burra were already catching a cold and you dragged me outside in't snow wi' no OBJ on, no owd black jacket and no boots! I were blue wi' cowd out there Bel and me nose has started running now. Will ya tek me to't shops for some stuff?"
"Yeh, I suppose so. I'll tek ya to't shops, but you can ask for wor'ever it is ya wants and
YOU'LL BLUDDY WELL PAY FOR IT AS WEEL!"
Using the tongs from his fireside companion set she took him his OBJ and owd black jacket, then kicked his boots over to him, and once again she drove into the village and Crusty made the Chemist his first stop. Word went round quickly and by the time Crusty entered, the shop was empty.
"Worra ya gerrin in here then?"
"Some stuff for me cowd!"
They went up to the counter and a young lady sales assistant came up to him smiling. She was new in the area!
"Yes sir? What can I get for you?"
Crusty scanned the shelves and sniffled.
"I need summat for a cowd lass. I know woritis worra want! I've seen it on't telly! I needs a bockle o' Neet Nuss an' a packet o' Lem P!ss!"
Bel's face reddened with embarrassment and the young girl glared at him with a look that would shatter glass.
"I beg your pardon sir. What is it you want?"
"A bockle o' Neet Nuss an' a packet o' Lem P!ss!"
Bel stepped in then, shoving Crusty to one side.
"I'm sorry luv. He's nor'all there! Ya know worra mean? Wor'e wants is a bottle of Night Nurse and a packet of Lem Sip! He always gets words the wrong way round so ya'll have't excuse him. He's nor’a full shillin' ya see?"
"Oh! Right you are. I'll get the things for you."
She bustled off and got the things he'd asked for then put them into paper bags.
"There you go sir. That's seven pounds ninety eight please!"
"How much? Bel, Bel, help me Bel! They're trying't rob a poor owd mon!"
"Get yer hand in yer pocket ya tight owd tur .... sod!"
"Burrave not got that kind o' money on me. I never carry a lot o' money round wi' me in case I gets tackled to't ground for me brass!"
"I'll tackle ya to't bluddy ground if ya don't pay the young lady!"
Shudder!
"Okay! I think I can manage't scrape enough up!"
He laboriously counted his coppers out in front of him and he was two pence short.
"Bel?"
"Wot?"
"Can ya borrer me tuppence Bel, only am a bit short o' cash?"
"Wot ya means is, can ya lend me tuppence Bel, not borrow?"
"How canna borrow ya tuppence Bel when I've just asked if I can have a lend off ya?"
She rolled up her eyes and tutted. It wasn't worth giving him a quick lesson in English grammar right now.
"Aye I suppose so. Yer a bit short o' bluddy brain as well, but we've already covered that, haven't we?"
"Can ya borrer me a pound as well 'cos I have't ger’a Ducky Lip for't Lottery!"
"LUCKY DIP y'owd crate egg!"
"Oh aye! D'ya suppose we can ger’a takeaway and tek it back to my house for our tea Bel? I fancy some stuff from that KFC place again! Oh! Ya was goin' home wasn't ya?"
She glared at him for ages.
"Wot the hell d'ya want that for? It were okay the first time we went, but the last time we had summat from there we didn't enjoy it, d'ya not remember? D'ya not remember me saying that KFC was short for Kawn't Find't Chicken?"
"Oh aye, that's reet. Well then! Wor'about a chippy dinner again then?"
"No chance! I'm not sitting in't same STREET as thee once ya've etten a pile o' mushy peys. Ya'll only start farting again!"
"I suppose yer reet there Bel."
She dropped him off at his front door, then thought better of it and cut the engine.
"Worra ya doing Bel? I thowt ya was goin' wom!"
"I were, burra want to talk to ya about summat!"