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22-02-2012, 01:53 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

You'll be very surprised to read as to who Bel's visitor is. I've just been going through that chapter to get it ready for tomorrow night.

Crusty definitely comes from Mombongo.

To be honest, I thought I'd made that place name up when I wrote these stories before I went onto the internet. Then, when I went online I typed the word in out of curiosity, and there is such a place, so I had to change a lot of my stories after that because they didn't fit in with the real place!
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23-02-2012, 01:51 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Good read again Mollie

Like Marian said, glad you mentioned what blanket-lifters were Never heard that before.

Can't wait to find out who the woman is at the door either.
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24-02-2012, 12:38 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )


Bel Gets An Unexpected Visitor
(and Crusty Gets the Shock of His Life!)

The woman just stared at her with screwed up eyes and looked her up and down taking in her size and demeanour.

Bel spoke to her again.

"Can I help you? Are you lost?"

The woman glared at her with such a look in her eyes that Bel could hardly believe it. She knew for a fact she'd never met this woman in her life before, but the woman obviously didn't like her for some reason.

"Is there something I can do for you?"

The woman then spoke, hissing venom at our own dear, sweet natured, softly spoken, gentle, non-violent, easy to get along with Bel.

"Yes. Are you that fat old tart that's been seeing Crusty Nibbleswick?"

"WHAT did you just say? And who are you, you scummy arsed old crow bag? Bog off and next time you knock at my door at least be bloody civil or I'll knock you into the middle of the next bloody century!"


Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"It's the scummy arsed old crow bag again! May I speak with you please?"


Bel opened up again.

"That's better. Now then woman, I'll ask you again. Can I help you?"

"Yes. I believe you've been seeing Crusty Nibbleswick. Is it true?"

"Yes. I know Crusty, and what of it?"

"Could I possibly come in please? I'm really feeling this cold weather."

"Yes, I suppose so."

The two ladies went into Bel's sitting room where they sat facing each other on opposite sofas, the coffee table keeping them safely apart.

"Now then, what about me seeing Crusty? What's it got to do with you?"

"Yes, I'm sorry about that before. I'd heard about you and I had to be sure I'd got the right person, and that's why I was so rude to you. My apologies. Does the name Soreen mean anything to you?" she asked with a lovely smile on her face.

"Yes! Apart from that malt loaf that you can buy, that was Crusty's wife's name as well. Bloody daft name if you ask me! Are you her sister or something?"

"Not was, is. I'm Soreen Nibbleswick! I'm Crusty's wife!! In any case, it's no dafter than a name like Crustabel!"

Bel's eyes almost popped out of her head.

"Oh sorry! Well you've made a bloody remarkable recovery and a long journey from the Pearly Gates if you are. Soreen's been dead for the last twenty odd years; at least that's what Crusty told me!" replied Bel with suspicion.

"What does he know, the farty arsed owd turd? He never did get owt right!" replied Soreen, going back to her original Wigan accent, which Bel followed.

"I don't ger'it. If yer not dead then where've ya bin all these years?" replied Bel, adopting her Wigan accent as well.

"Australia! I got fed up of him one day so I just upped and left without so much as a by your leave. I stowed away on a ship and never contacted him again."

"So wot's browt ya back here then? It'll not be Crusty, I'll be bound!"

"Well it is, in a way. I've not seen him yet. I keep trying to catch him bur'e keeps eluding me, burra can't imagine he's changed much!"

"I think ya might ger'a bit of a shock then. Well wor'about your Sam? Why did ya just leave him as well?"

"That was more difficult I must admit, burra couldn't tek him wi' me so I had to leave him wi' Crusty against me better judgement! In any case, Sam was in his early twenties then and quite a young man, plus the fact that he was engaged to a nice lass, so I knew he wouldn't come to any harm. He's gor'a lot more sense than Crusty anyway!!"

"So ya don't know that yer a granny then. Sam's got two little lads!"

"Oh aye. I've stayed in touch with Sam and the children. They've been over to visit me a few times, but Crusty doesn't know!"

"Oh well, that's a good thing!"

Bel sat back relaxing, and studied Soreen. She was just as Crusty had told her, a large woman, but she was no match for Bel. Soreen stood at about five feet two and weighed in at approximately thirteen stone. In her youth she'd probably been quite pretty and had large hazel eyes, dark brown hair, a nicely shaped nose and a chiselled jaw line.

She'd obviously aged quite well, showing only a few wrinkles and this woman had to be around sixty.

Bel suddenly remembered her manners.

"Would ya like a cup o' tea, or summat a bit stronger?"

"Tea would be fine thanks as'am driving. I've hired a car to use while I'm here. I'm sorry to land on you so late Crustabel, but I really wanted to see what you looked like. I've been back over here for a week now and I called one day last week but I got no reply."

"No, I've been out of the country. Business, you know, and please call me Bel!"

"So when's the best time to catch Crusty d'ya think? I couldn't track him down either last week."

"Well he works at the Loaf About cafe on Pem from ten till one every day. He's been promoted to Junior Waiter! When he finishes he could end up anywhere as he's always scuttling about from place to place. Ya can catch Martian fleas quicker than ya can catch Crusty when he's hoppin' about!"

"Junior Waiter! That sounds just about right for him the dim old g'lah!"

She looked around the room taking in the expensive furniture and wall hangings.

"Still, it looks as if he's done alright by meeting you. The same thing happened to me after I'd settled in Oz. I met a great chap and we've bin together ever since. He became a millionaire about two years after I met him! When we first met we just clicked, but he wants to marry me now after all this time. We have a child together, Sam's half sister! Better late than never, so they say!"

"Oh I see, so ya've come back to ger'a divorce from Crusty then?"

"That's right. Do you suppose he'll be alright about it?"

"Well I think so. Why don't you just divorce him without seeing him? He'll never know the difference."

"Well wor'about the papers he'd have to sign?"

"Oh leave that to me. When he receives them he'll only ring me up squawking and asking me wot they're about so I'll just make him sign 'em. No problems there!"

"I'll think about it!"

"D'ya mind if I ask ya summat personal, Soreen? It's none of my business so you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"No, go ahead!"

"Is Crusty your Sam's dad? The reason I ask is that they appear to have no resemblance to each other whatsoever, burra can see him in you now I've met you!"

"I'll answer the question, but you mustn't ask me any more about it. The answer is NO! He is definitely not my Sam's dad!"

"Thank God for that! I'd hate to think thar'e'd been breeding an' there were more Crusties around! It'd be a bugger havin't round 'em all up an' I'd have't make it me life's work! I'll tell ya wot Soreen. Why don't ya stop here toneet and in't morning I'll take ya to where Crusty works. We can have a brekkie or summat an' ya'll be able't watch him scuttling about before ya tell him who y'are! It'll frikken him't bluddy deeth an' he'll probably leap out of his OBJ. Wot d'ya think?"

Soreen snickered.

"Oh that's a great idea. Has he still got that bloody OBJ? Thanks Bel. Perhaps I will have that drink after all, being as I'll not be driving back tonight then! Wor'about your arm though? Is it alright for driving?"

Bel snickered.

"Yes its fine, burra towd Crusty it weren't fettled yet. Ya know summat Soreen, that's a fine Australian accent you've got there. Mind you, ya've been there for over twenty years so it's not surprising, but ya've quickly got yer Wigan accent back again! I have a cousin who lives in Oz, bur'it's a big country in'it. His name's Jasper Leekey."

"Jas! I don't believe it! He's a good friend of ours. Great at barbies! Bryce and I have known him for years!"

"Well perhaps it is a small country at that then! Why were you so rude to me when ya knocked on me door earlier?"

"Oh I am sorry. Believe it or not, I felt a little bit of jealousy knowing that Crusty had a new lady in his life, and a very rich lady by the looks of things!"

"Jealous o' me? Ya've nowt to be jealous of lass! Aye well. It's not quite wot ya'd think. Me and Crusty are only friends. Ya know worra mean? Just friends, and you've got your Bryce!"

"Oh, so there's no, you know, hanky panky between you!"

"Abso-bluddy-lutely not! He allers stinks rotten and, in any case, I don't go in for that sort o' thing these days. It'd be like gerrin in bed wi' a bluddy smelly owd dog. I'd sooner have a nice cup o' tea!"

Soreen snickered again.
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24-02-2012, 12:44 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"I can't say I blame you! He always did pong a bit, especially his feet!"

"Aye well, nowt's changed in that department. His feet and arse end'd have ya chokin' for breath'!"

"Seriously though, Bel. I wanted to be sure that he had someone who could keep him in line, and that's why I was rude to you. I wanted to see how you reacted to me."

"Oh, don't you worry about that, lass. I'll keep him in line."

They continued their lolly-gagging for another hour or so, then Bel showed Soreen to one of her guest rooms and the next morning they arose nice and early.


The bell over the cafe jingled at ten thirty precisely as Bel and Soreen walked through the door and Crusty was in mid-whoosh with dirty plates piled high and remnants of food arranged in a pile on the top plate.

There were a few half eaten chips, bits of piecrust, the remains of a sandwich, a few mushy peas, quarter of a steak and kidney pudding, some cold congealed gravy, a round of toast and some digestives that looked like they'd had a good sucking by Faggie, Aggie or Maggie.

Bel bent down and whispered to Soreen.

"He'll be hanchin' on that lot in a minute!"

Soreen pulled her face.

"I didn't think he'd've changed much, but he's gor'a fatter belly and a much fatter arse than I can remember. His face has changed a bit too. He looks a bit like a chimp when he grins, doesn't he!"

"Look closer and listen!"

"Mmmm! There's a bit of pig in him somewhere as well, I do perceive! Look at those piggy little eyes and he's grunting and snorting all the time as well! I can't remember him doing that before!"

"Aye, ya perceives reet. We came to the conclusion a while back thar'e's a cross between a pig an' a monkey, so I calls him me little owd pigmy! He dun't bother as he answers to owt!"

"Oh yes, I can see it now. You're right there Bel. He's not seen us yet has he?"

"No, he's too busy whooshing about trying to ger'as many scraps as he can to save for later for his din-dins."

Soreen pulled her face again.

"Nasty owd gobsh!te!"

"Hey up lass, yer really gerrin yer Wiggin accent back again."

"Come on, come on, ger'a-bluddy-gate lad. I've bin sat waiting for me next lorra biscuits for't last ten minutes. Wor'at doin' rushing round collecting plates? Your job's to bluddy well ger'us served our meyt!"

"Sorry Faggie. Am on me own today. The lickle lass rang in poorly so am havin't do her job an' all!"

"Oooh! Keep howd o' yer noses girls. He's not tekken that bluddy owd black jacket off yet an' it dun't half stink! Have ya not replaced that bluddy owd kipper yet? Ya've had it in there for't last five week!"

"Sorry Aggie. I've nor'ad time yet. I'll tek it off in a minute!"


"Hey up, he's at it again. Ya nasty arsed owd sod!"

"Sorry Maggie. I didn't do it o' purpose!"


He zoomed off then returned wearing his baseball cap and little red tunic over the top of his owd black jacket, delivering the biscuits, along with his pen and pad.

Bel and Soreen sat tittering away behind their menus just as Crusty skidded along the floor and came to a screeching halt at their table, a huge chimpy grin across his chops.

"Morning Bel. I've only just spotted ya. Wot canna get ya today? Have ya browt yer lickle pal wi' ya for a change? How do missus!"

They both put their menus down hoping that Crusty would recognise his long dead wife, but he just maintained his usual gormless expression.

"Reet lad, I'll have me usual brekkie an' a large cup o' tea. Worra you havin' lass?"

Crusty didn't need to write down Bel's order so he turned to the other lady.

Soreen looked straight up at Crusty who was waiting patiently, pen and pad at the ready.

"I'd like a nice hot toasted crusty cob with melted cheese and a large cup of coffee please waiter!"

Crusty started to write down the order.

"Come on Crusty, hurry up. It shouldn't tek ya that long't write a few words down. It'll be bluddy tay time by't time ya've done!"

Ten minutes later he finished.

"Reet lass, I've gor'it all written down now. Ya know summat Bel. That's wot Soreen used't like for a brekkie in a morning."

"Did she owd lad? Ya've gor'a good memory! Oh, I've nor'introduced ya to me little pal. Crusty, this is my friend Soreen. Soreen, this is my friend Crusty."

"Neh then in't that funny 'cos me wife's name were Soreen before her de'ed, an' it's nor'a name ya come across very often an'a ...........!"

His eyes flirted out of his head and he dropped his pen and pad on the floor. He then looked closer at Soreen, squinting through his bleary little piggy eyes, recognition finally dawning in his slow cesspit of a brain cell.

Just then, his eight strands rose up and stood on end.

"Aaaarghhh! Bel, Bel, help me Bel! Yer sittin' wi' a dead corpse personage an' it looks like it's come back to life an' it's all zombified looking! Wor'ave ya dug her up for?"

He zoomed off into the back of the kitchen quaking, little skinny legs going like pistons, so Bel got out of her chair and strode through, grabbed him by the scruff, then marched him back into the dining room again.

"Get back i' theer!"

Still holding his scruff she stood him in front of Soreen, who got up and looked him up and down and walked all the way around him.

"Worra ya doin' here Soreen? Ya de'ed twenty odd year ago, didn't ya?"

"Well I can't have done ya daft owd dingbat. Am here aren't I? I didn't die! I just buggered off and left you."

Crusty's eyes were bulging out with fear.

"Well whose funeral did I go to then? I thowt it were yours! I dressed up proper nice in a new funeral outfit I got from't charity shop. This is th'owd black jacket that went wi' it! I bowt ya a nice lickle bunch o' dandelions off a gypsy an' a bowt a card, an'a even paid for a coffin, hearse, church, an' a funeral tea an' all which we had in't Club! I even paid for ya't be planted as weel. Loads o' people came a-joining in at the Club, burra didn't know most of 'em!"

Bel stepped in then.

"Crusty, ya go to that many bluddy funerals I'd be surprised if ya knew half the people they were plantin'!"

"Yer reet theer Bel. But wor'ave ya come back for then Soreen an' whose funeral did I pay for? It cost me a lorra money did that! D'ya want come an' live wi' me again only I've got my Bel now!"

"No I do not want to come and live with you ya smelly owd sack o' drongo crap!"

"Oh reet, ta. Wot's a drongo? Ya've not changed much owd lass. Ya still talks to me like my Bel does. It's nice to know some things dun't change!"

"He were like this when we were together. That's one of the reasons I left the dirty owd wombat. Does he still fart and belch a lot?"

One of the male customers, a regular, nearest to them joined in the conversation.

Everybody's neck twisted and turned to listen. They could feel another good giggle coming up again.

"Oh aye lass! He still farts and belches. Why, it were about twelve month ago now when he dropped one just as he were walking past a chap who was lighting a cig, and the flame from his match lit up the fumes. Set his arse a-fire it did! Nearly set th'whole bluddy cafe aleet an' all! Have ya ever seen somebody running round wi' their arse a-flame and somebody else chasing 'em wi' a fire extinguisher? Every time he farted the flames'd spurt out from his britches arse like a turbo engine! He favvered a bluddy Jumpin' Jack hoppin' about all o'er't place!"

Soreen doubled over with laughter, as did everybody else.

"Put him down now Bel. Have you got any other tales you can tell me? Things he's got up to."

Faggie, Aggie and Maggie chipped in with a few tales that had her laughing her head off, and poor Crusty just stood there while everyone around ridiculed him.

Jim told her of the aftermath of the time when Crusty's rear end was lit up and what ensued in the toilet afterwards.

"It'd tek about six months to tell ya all the daft things he's been up to since I met him a few years ago. For instance, he electrocuted himself with his Crustbuster, I mean vacuum cleaner, and when I appeared on the scene they were boppin' about in his bedroom with his hand closed fast on't vacuum. He'd've getten his yed aleet if I hadn't been theer. There's loads o' things, bur'it'd tek forever't tell ya all about 'em. He even had me all over't bluddy world trying't find bluddy Mombongo!"

"Oh, he's not still on about that is he?"

"Bel, Bel, tell her about that time when I had all them things stuck up me back passage, and that time when them bats tried t'ayte me yed and when I went a thousand foot up in'th air when I strapped meself into that ejector seat in that Tornado! I even found a fifty pound note stuck in a pile o' dog turds, burra lickle kid saw me and thowt I'd crapped on't pavement!!"
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24-02-2012, 12:49 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

He was so proud of himself!

Faggie, Aggie and Maggie craned their scrawny necks to hear these new tales and there were so many people laughing and cackling now they couldn't hear themselves think.

"And Bel, and, if ya remembers I plonked meself down in me sun lounger an' it closed on me so I had't inch me way across me lawn like an owd snail to get to't phone, an' ya brought that cutting tool wi' ya't get me freed!"

Soreen was in stitches laughing and she bashed Crusty on the back. He promptly fell on the floor, but leapt up again as quickly as he could, feeling daft.

"Has his cooking improved at all Bel?"

They looked at each other and both rolled their eyes up, knowingly.

"Well let's pur'it this way Soreen. He made me a sh!tty owd pie once an' he put Happy Chappy Chunky Chicken dog food in for't meyt, some sultanas which you'd bought before ya left him, a bit o' sage I think it were, an' some other nasty owd odds and ends thar'e'd conjured up. The crust needed a bluddy road drill to get through it an'a nearly went home to get mine! It were rock hard and when I did finally ger'a mouthful I couldn't swallow it because it were that crap, so I ended up throwing it back up again in his bath 'cos his lav were full o' ... well ya can guess!"

"Nasty owd gobsh!te!"

The place by now was in an uproar and Crusty could do nothing but stand there rocking on his ankles with his thumb in his mouth.

"Sounds right! He never could feed himself properly, but he'll never go hungry either, it doesn't matter what he has to do. He used to beg butties off people in't Club where we used't go! Can you believe that?"

"Neh then lass, yer preaching to't converted!"

Crusty had started to sob again with everyone making fun of him.

"I think yer two o't most horriblest ladies I've ever met an'a don't want see either of ya ever again."

Soreen bristled.

"Oi thee! Don't you show yer bluddy temper to me ya farty arsed owd smelly barrel o' kangaroo turds!"

Bel looked down at her in admiration.

"I was just going to say that Soreen. Well, something similar anyway! How great minds work in the same way!"

Then the strangest thing happened. Bel and Soreen, at the same time exactly, raised their fists in the air then stopped.

Soreen grinned at Bel.

Bel grinned at Soreen.

"After you!"

As Soreen was about to bring her fist down on Crusty's head, Bel stopped her.

"No lass, leave him be."

Eyes watering with relief, he melted into the vinyl flooring while the ladies remained standing, chatting.

"You know Bel, when I were with him there were many a time I'd have to give him a punch or a pile driver to keep him in his place, mainly for stinkin' me house out, the nasty old sewer rat!"

"So do I! Now in't thar'amazing? We're very much alike aren't we!"

"Now then Crusty! I've come all the way from Australia to get a divorce from you. I've already had the papers made up so all you've got to do is sign them. You've got a pen haven't you? Come on! Get up off that floor and stop mucking about!"

He got up off the floor again feeling for lumps and bumps which weren't there.

"Sorry Soreen, sorry Bel!"

He took the papers from her and studied them closely, understanding not one word.

"Bel, Bel, help me Bel. Wot's these for?"

"Just put yer X on that dotted line theer si' thi', and theer."

The pen was poised over the papers then he lowered his arm again.

"Burram nor'a good writer Bel!"

"It dun't matter ya bumbling owd baboon. Ger'it signed!"

"Do I do joined up writing or capickals?"

"Do a proper bluddy signature like ya did at Southport when ya bought into that website. D'ya remember THAT?"

"Oh aye. Alreet then, here goes!"

He hovered for a moment longer.

"Do I sign Crustopher Grayvid Eatwell Nibbleswick or just Crusty Nibbleswick, only there's nor'a lorra space?"

"Just put C G E Nibbleswick in yer best joined up writing. That'll do!"


He laboriously signed his name to the papers and handed them back to Soreen five minutes later.

"Thank you Crusty. You're a free man now!"

"Ta very muchly. Wockle I do now Bel?"

"Nowt! Just carry on as normal!"

"Burram not normal Bel! Yer allers tellin' me that!"

They all rolled up their eyes!

Just then Soreen got a terrible whiff from somewhere. She looked around and down.

"I do not believe this! He's still wearing those farty little black vinyl boots that I bought him about twenty five years ago. They stink rotten, you dirty old swamp rat!"

"I loves my lickle black vinyl boots, dun't I Bel!"

"Oh aye. D'ya know wor'else he did once Soreen? I called round at his house by chance and he was having a bluddy boot sale in his living room. The thing is, the only thing he were trying't sell were his stinky little black vinyl boots for five pound a piece!"

"Nasty old sod! Well, it's been really nice meeting you Bel, but I must go now. My plane leaves Manchester at nine tonight and I've got some other things to do before then. I'm going to see my grandchildren. Do you remember them Crusty?"

"Er ... yes, I think so!"

"What are their names then?"

"Er ..... I've forgetten."

She rolled up her eyes.

"They're twins unless you've forgotten that as well. There's Isaw and Esaw!"

"Sittin' on a see-saw! I remembers now!"

He started clapping his hands at what a clever boy he was.

Everybody in the cafe rolled up their eyes again.

Soreen held out her hand to Bel who took it and shook it.

"Goodbye Soreen. It was nice meeting you as well. Oops, nearly forgot. I've got to take you back to my house first for your car, haven't I?"

Soreen smiled then turned to Crusty who was rocking on his ankles again, thumb stuck firmly in his mouth.

"Goodbye Crusty. It was most interesting seeing you again, but I'll not be coming back to England any more. Not that I know of anyway. I'm glad I went to Australia when I did otherwise I might still be here with you festering away!"

Crusty's eyes filled with tears.

"Goodbye Soreen. Am glad yer not dead. Do I give ya a lickle kiss before ya go?"

She gritted her teeth.

"Do I give you a little pasting before I go?"

"No Soreen."

Bel smirked her head off and she and Soreen returned to Bel's house where Soreen had left her hire car.

"I don't know how you put up with him Bel! He's a bloody houseful on his own!"

"Oh I know, but you must realise that I don't have to live with him. I couldn't stand that. I'd sooner live in a bluddy monkey house than share a home wi' thar'owd scum bum!"

"I'd like to stay in touch if I may Bel. Would you give me your phone number?"

"Of course I will lass. It'll be nice keeping you up to date on wot th'owd sod's bin up to!"

They both snickered.

Mollie M
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24-02-2012, 01:09 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Well I never!! You were right Mollie, I didn't see that one coming I think Crusty is better off without her It was good to take a trip down memory lane and be reminded of his antics
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24-02-2012, 01:12 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

I didn't see that coming either until I wrote it! I didn't want the stories to be predictable, otherwise they'd have been boring.
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24-02-2012, 01:19 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

They definitely are not boring or predictable, well done Mollie
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24-02-2012, 01:30 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Thank you so much, Marian. Much appreciated.
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24-02-2012, 02:37 AM

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Don't know what happened there, but I couldn't reply earlier

Anyway, Marian said all of what I was going to say

Fancy Soreen turning up! Crusty didn't seem too fazed about it though, took it all in his stride.
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