Re: Crusty's Comical Capers
Bel Gets An Unexpected Visitor
(and Crusty Gets the Shock of His Life!)
The woman just stared at her with screwed up eyes and looked her up and down taking in her size and demeanour.
Bel spoke to her again.
"Can I help you? Are you lost?"
The woman glared at her with such a look in her eyes that Bel could hardly believe it. She knew for a fact she'd never met this woman in her life before, but the woman obviously didn't like her for some reason.
"Is there something I can do for you?"
The woman then spoke, hissing venom at our own dear, sweet natured, softly spoken, gentle, non-violent, easy to get along with Bel.
"Yes. Are you that fat old tart that's been seeing Crusty Nibbleswick?"
"WHAT did you just say? And who are you, you scummy arsed old crow bag? Bog off and next time you knock at my door at least be bloody civil or I'll knock you into the middle of the next bloody century!"
"It's the scummy arsed old crow bag again! May I speak with you please?"
Bel opened up again.
"That's better. Now then woman, I'll ask you again. Can I help you?"
"Yes. I believe you've been seeing Crusty Nibbleswick. Is it true?"
"Yes. I know Crusty, and what of it?"
"Could I possibly come in please? I'm really feeling this cold weather."
"Yes, I suppose so."
The two ladies went into Bel's sitting room where they sat facing each other on opposite sofas, the coffee table keeping them safely apart.
"Now then, what about me seeing Crusty? What's it got to do with you?"
"Yes, I'm sorry about that before. I'd heard about you and I had to be sure I'd got the right person, and that's why I was so rude to you. My apologies. Does the name Soreen mean anything to you?" she asked with a lovely smile on her face.
"Yes! Apart from that malt loaf that you can buy, that was Crusty's wife's name as well. Bloody daft name if you ask me! Are you her sister or something?"
"Not was, is. I'm Soreen Nibbleswick! I'm Crusty's wife!! In any case, it's no dafter than a name like Crustabel!"
Bel's eyes almost popped out of her head.
"Oh sorry! Well you've made a bloody remarkable recovery and a long journey from the Pearly Gates if you are. Soreen's been dead for the last twenty odd years; at least that's what Crusty told me!" replied Bel with suspicion.
"What does he know, the farty arsed owd turd? He never did get owt right!" replied Soreen, going back to her original Wigan accent, which Bel followed.
"I don't ger'it. If yer not dead then where've ya bin all these years?" replied Bel, adopting her Wigan accent as well.
"Australia! I got fed up of him one day so I just upped and left without so much as a by your leave. I stowed away on a ship and never contacted him again."
"So wot's browt ya back here then? It'll not be Crusty, I'll be bound!"
"Well it is, in a way. I've not seen him yet. I keep trying to catch him bur'e keeps eluding me, burra can't imagine he's changed much!"
"I think ya might ger'a bit of a shock then. Well wor'about your Sam? Why did ya just leave him as well?"
"That was more difficult I must admit, burra couldn't tek him wi' me so I had to leave him wi' Crusty against me better judgement! In any case, Sam was in his early twenties then and quite a young man, plus the fact that he was engaged to a nice lass, so I knew he wouldn't come to any harm. He's gor'a lot more sense than Crusty anyway!!"
"So ya don't know that yer a granny then. Sam's got two little lads!"
"Oh aye. I've stayed in touch with Sam and the children. They've been over to visit me a few times, but Crusty doesn't know!"
"Oh well, that's a good thing!"
Bel sat back relaxing, and studied Soreen. She was just as Crusty had told her, a large woman, but she was no match for Bel. Soreen stood at about five feet two and weighed in at approximately thirteen stone. In her youth she'd probably been quite pretty and had large hazel eyes, dark brown hair, a nicely shaped nose and a chiselled jaw line.
She'd obviously aged quite well, showing only a few wrinkles and this woman had to be around sixty.
Bel suddenly remembered her manners.
"Would ya like a cup o' tea, or summat a bit stronger?"
"Tea would be fine thanks as'am driving. I've hired a car to use while I'm here. I'm sorry to land on you so late Crustabel, but I really wanted to see what you looked like. I've been back over here for a week now and I called one day last week but I got no reply."
"No, I've been out of the country. Business, you know, and please call me Bel!"
"So when's the best time to catch Crusty d'ya think? I couldn't track him down either last week."
"Well he works at the Loaf About cafe on Pem from ten till one every day. He's been promoted to Junior Waiter! When he finishes he could end up anywhere as he's always scuttling about from place to place. Ya can catch Martian fleas quicker than ya can catch Crusty when he's hoppin' about!"
"Junior Waiter! That sounds just about right for him the dim old g'lah!"
She looked around the room taking in the expensive furniture and wall hangings.
"Still, it looks as if he's done alright by meeting you. The same thing happened to me after I'd settled in Oz. I met a great chap and we've bin together ever since. He became a millionaire about two years after I met him! When we first met we just clicked, but he wants to marry me now after all this time. We have a child together, Sam's half sister! Better late than never, so they say!"
"Oh I see, so ya've come back to ger'a divorce from Crusty then?"
"That's right. Do you suppose he'll be alright about it?"
"Well I think so. Why don't you just divorce him without seeing him? He'll never know the difference."
"Well wor'about the papers he'd have to sign?"
"Oh leave that to me. When he receives them he'll only ring me up squawking and asking me wot they're about so I'll just make him sign 'em. No problems there!"
"I'll think about it!"
"D'ya mind if I ask ya summat personal, Soreen? It's none of my business so you don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"No, go ahead!"
"Is Crusty your Sam's dad? The reason I ask is that they appear to have no resemblance to each other whatsoever, burra can see him in you now I've met you!"
"I'll answer the question, but you mustn't ask me any more about it. The answer is NO! He is definitely not my Sam's dad!"
"Thank God for that! I'd hate to think thar'e'd been breeding an' there were more Crusties around! It'd be a bugger havin't round 'em all up an' I'd have't make it me life's work! I'll tell ya wot Soreen. Why don't ya stop here toneet and in't morning I'll take ya to where Crusty works. We can have a brekkie or summat an' ya'll be able't watch him scuttling about before ya tell him who y'are! It'll frikken him't bluddy deeth an' he'll probably leap out of his OBJ. Wot d'ya think?"
"Oh that's a great idea. Has he still got that bloody OBJ? Thanks Bel. Perhaps I will have that drink after all, being as I'll not be driving back tonight then! Wor'about your arm though? Is it alright for driving?"
"Yes its fine, burra towd Crusty it weren't fettled yet. Ya know summat Soreen, that's a fine Australian accent you've got there. Mind you, ya've been there for over twenty years so it's not surprising, but ya've quickly got yer Wigan accent back again! I have a cousin who lives in Oz, bur'it's a big country in'it. His name's Jasper Leekey."
"Jas! I don't believe it! He's a good friend of ours. Great at barbies! Bryce and I have known him for years!"
"Well perhaps it is a small country at that then! Why were you so rude to me when ya knocked on me door earlier?"
"Oh I am sorry. Believe it or not, I felt a little bit of jealousy knowing that Crusty had a new lady in his life, and a very rich lady by the looks of things!"
"Jealous o' me? Ya've nowt to be jealous of lass! Aye well. It's not quite wot ya'd think. Me and Crusty are only friends. Ya know worra mean? Just friends, and you've got your Bryce!"
"Oh, so there's no, you know, hanky panky between you!"
"Abso-bluddy-lutely not! He allers stinks rotten and, in any case, I don't go in for that sort o' thing these days. It'd be like gerrin in bed wi' a bluddy smelly owd dog. I'd sooner have a nice cup o' tea!"
Soreen snickered again.