Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Yes, another good read

I was waiting for Crusty to be ill after eating all that cake What a kind soul he is to donate his new shoes to the needy

Did he ever finish his jingle for the competition?

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Yes he did, Carmen. I think it's in the next chapter.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

You have set me a task here Mollie. You didn't warn me how prolific you were. Might take me more than a couple of days to catch up, but I am enjoying it. Lots of chuckles, and you were right, the dialect isn't too far away from Yorkshire lol.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Sorry about that, Paul. It was only a suggestion that you have a little read, so it's up to you if you want to read them like a book, and read chapter following chapter.

Glad you're having a chuckle with them as well and, as I mentioned much earlier, they do get more comical.

Thanks for reading.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

You'll be amazed at what he gets up to I've read them all and had lots of laughs along the way. Mollie is one talented lady

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Shurrup you, yer making me blush!

Sorry for the delay. I'll put the next one on tonight.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

120

Clowns and Clots
(and the Age of Technology!)

A month later Crusty drove over to his Bel's house with her birthday card and present. She'd told him that she'd cook them a fine meal rather than go out and Crusty was more than happy with this, as he loved his Bel's cooking.

She was just coming out of the kitchen when someone knocked on her door.

Rap, rap, rap, drrring!

"Who the bluddy hell's that? It's too early for Crusty an' it can't be't gas man come to take another reading again so I wonder who it is."

She went into the hall, checked herself in the mirror, tidied her hair then answered the door and in slid Crusty.

"Hiya Bel!"

"Hello Crusty. Wor'appened to yer thump, thump, thump, rrrring?"

"Just thowt I'd have a change Bel. Happy birthday! Did I tek ya by surprise?"

"Ya did that lad, an'a happy birthday to you too, come in!"

"Canna tek me carrier bags off please Bel? I put clean socks on this morning while it's a special occasion, an'ave got Good Owd Stinky on an' all, bur'e's bin in't Crustamatic yesterday so he's still fairly cleanish - ish!"

She looked down and saw the tattered remains of the two carrier bags she'd given him almost nine weeks previously, still wrapped around his feet.

"Alright then me owd cockle. Did ya nor'ave the bluddy sense to put new carrier bags on every now and again? Anyway, I've getten yer owd boots o'er here so ya can put them on instead. I've fumigated 'em and given 'em a bluddy good polish. Ya'll not recognise 'em now!"

"Ta Bel! I know wot ya must've gone through to do that! It's a good job ya've gor’a big supply o' pegs. I'll be glad't ger’a proper pair o' shoes on me feet again, especially when it rains! These bags let water in now."

They got settled in Bel's favourite living room, Crusty wearing his nice newly cleaned old black festering little vinyl boots, which were a bit uncomfortable from shrinkage, but he knew he'd be able to stretch them out again in a short time.

They had the pressie swapping ceremony and Bel opened hers first.

Crusty's brain cell had woken up again the day before and, this time, it had told its owner to buy something nice for his lady friend and wrap it in some pretty paper, which Crusty had done.

"Oh Crusty these are lovely. Thanks very much indeed. I'll try them on shall I, make sure they fit?"

It was a pair of bright red woollen gloves with a lurid purple and emerald green design on them. Bel knew she could never wear them in public, but would make a point of keeping them in her car and only wear them when Crusty was with her.

"How did ya know wot size to get owd lad?"

"Oh that were easy Bel, I've seen yer fists often enough!"

She handed him a box containing his present. He ripped off the wrapping in his eagerness to get to his new mobile but, once opened, his bottom lip dropped into a sulk again.

"Burra thowt I were gerrin a new mobile Bel. These new shoes are very nice though, ta very muchly."

"Try 'em on owd lad. Let's make sure they fit ya proper. I gor’a size seven and, being as Sniffy and Whiffy are clean on, they should fit ya like these gloves fit me!"

He kicked off his owd vinyl boots again and slipped the new shoes onto his feet.

"Oh these are lovely Bel. They're proper comfy these. If ya don't mind though Bel, I'll keep 'em for best, an'a won't give 'em to't th'owd folks' home, I promise!"

"That's a good lad. I'll get some things together as well for ya to tek wi' ya next time ya goes visiting! Which one is it ya goes to, to do yer moiderin'?"

"The Gables Bel!"

"Reet, I'll bring ya some stuff soon!"

"Ta Bel. That's very nice of ya!"

She could see by his face that he was disappointed, so she reached behind her chair and brought out another, smaller, box and handed it to him.

"For me?"

"Open it lad. The shoes were just a little bonus for being a good lad."

Once again he gleefully ripped the paper to shreds and opened the box which housed a brand new mobile phone. When he saw what it was he started dashing around all over the place with his tongue dangling and a wide grin on his face.

"Bel, Bel this is beltin' Bel. Ta very muchly!"

Then he stopped dashing about and looked at it from all angles not understanding any of it then he passed it over to his Bel so she could store some numbers in for him.

"Ta! Will ya learn me how't text now please Bel?"

"No lad burra will teach ya, after we've etten our grub. Now then, I wanted to ask ya. Did ya ever finish that jingle ya was writing?"

"Oh yis Bel, an'ave sent it off an' all. Will I tell it to ya?"

"Yis please owd lad!"

"Juicy Lucy lifts my heart
Makes me fat and makes me fart
All its bubbles make you titter
It's very nice burrad sooner have bitter!"

"Is thar'it? Ya've sent it off like that?

"Yis Bel!"

"Well ya'll not win with a daft jingle like that!"

"I know Bel. Am nor'all that struck on pop anyway! It makes me fart!"

"Everything makes thee fart! Well then, why did you go to all that expense of buying an envelope an' a stamp to post it then?"

He sulked.

"I hadn't thowt about that. Now will ya teach me how't text please?"

"Ya daft sod. Let's ger'our meal etten first shall we?"

"Oh yis please, thanks Bel. Am bluddy hungry!"

She'd made them a wonderful meal on which they feasted for the next hour and a half, and then Crusty started bounding about in anticipation of his Bel teaching him something new.

"Reet, come on. I'll send you a text first then ya can save me number again then, it'll be dead easy after that."

She sent him a text and it made a beep-beep sound when it was received.

Crusty jumped then started tittering.

She showed him how to access the message. He read the gobbledegook carefully with furrowed brow.

"I cawn't understand wor'it sez Bel!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"It doesn't say owt ya dim owd duffer. It's only rubbish. Mind you, I'm surprised ya couldn't read it perfectly 'cos tha' talks a load of owd rubbish. I've only done it like that to show ya!"

"Oh, continue please!"

She then started the laborious task of teaching him how to send one and patiently showed him several times, which took all afternoon, how to text, then him trying to text her back and finally the penny dropped.

"Reet lad, do it again by yerself this time."

"Okay Bel. I think I've getten it now! Thanks for being so pashink wi' me!"

He brought her last message up then tapped into "reply". Then he tapped out the letters R U OK and pressed the send button.

Bel's phone beeped.

Crusty's tongue dangled out and he grinned. He'd done it. He'd mastered it. He was now entering the world of technology.

Oh heck!

"Reet, am off now Bel. Ta for me dinner. It were reet gradely."

"Howld up a minute! Worra ya rushing off for?"

"Well I want to get wom so as I can text ya from theer. See if ickle travel that far!"

"Ya daft owd dirt bag, it'll travel all over't world!"

"I want to try it though Bel. I'll send ya a message as soon as I ger'in to let ya know I've arrived home safe and well. Bye, bye Bel!"

He whooshed off again leaving a cloud of dust behind him but, in his haste, he forgot his new shoes so she put them at one side to give to him next time she saw him and, just over an hour later, her phone beeped to signal a text from Crusty, and this is how their text conversation went.


AM WOM. ANNA WANT A CRAP


WELL GO THEN


GIV YA A RING WENAV DONE
SO AS WE CAN AV A NICE
LICKLE CHAT


OK


JUST FARTED


NASTY ARSE


OR WILL U RING ME COS ICKLE BE CHEPPER ANIT COSTS A LORRA MONEY WHEN I RINGS YA ON ME
PROPER PHONE


OK


THOWT WE MIT GO TO CLUB FRI NEET


THOWT THY WANTED A CRAP


2 LATE


Bel tutted and switched her mobile off otherwise he'd have gone on all night.

The next day while she was driving to work she saw some signs that had been posted up all over the place and a huge grin appeared on her face.

"Morning Miss Leekey. How are you today?"

"Very well Vanda, thanks for asking. Now then, there's a little job I'd like you to do for me. Ring this number and book two tickets for this coming Sunday for me please!"

"Oh right. Oh, how nice. Are you taking Mister Nibbleswick with you?"

"Yeh. He's doing his best to behave so I thought I'd treat him!"

"Aw, how lovely! I'll make the booking now."

"Ta luv. I think I'll make a brew. Me tongue feels like a barber's leather razor blade sharpening strap!"

"Would you like me to make it for you?"

"No lass, I'll do it. D'ya want one?"

"No thanks Miss Leekey, I've just had one. Thanks all the same! I'll get your booking made."

She made a cup of tea, went into her office and plonked down behind her desk. She was about to sort through her mail when she decided to ring Crusty.

He answered after the third ring.

"Hello this is Crusty speaking I think. I don't need a new shower an'a cawn't afford any double glazing, bye, bye!"

She tutted and rang again.

"Hello this is Crusty speaking an' a ..........."

"Shurrup Crusty. It's me, Bel!"

"Oh hiya Bel. I thowt ya was somebody trying't sell me summat. Worra ya ringing me for at this time o' day. Ya should be at work now!"

"I am at work lad burra thought I'd catch ya before you left for't cafe."

"Oh reet, ya've only just caught me and yer goin't make me late now. Worisit that ya wanted to explain to me this time!"

"I don't want to explain anything to ya, I just ....."

"Okay, see ya, bye!"

She gave up but decided to ring him later.

He just made it to the cafe on time and the usual crowd were all there. Jim called to him from the back and Crusty zoomed off to see what he wanted.

"Here y'are lad. Put these on yer feet!"

"Wor'are they?"

"They're a nice pair o' comfy slippers for ya to work in instead o' them farty owd smelly boots that yer allers wearing. Come on lad. Shove yer boots outside on't step so that fresh air can ger'at 'em and put these on."

"Okay, but worra they for?"

"Well, if ya look at the bottoms, they've getten soles like mop-rags, can ya see?"

"Yis but wockle I do wi' 'em?"

"Well these are called mop shoes. When yer rushing about all o'er't place as ya do, ya can polish the floor as well and keep it nice and clean!"

"Okay Jim!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Crusty shuffled off into the back and did as he'd been told, and when he'd got the slippers on he put his pinny and cap on then shambled back into the dining area.

They started on him straight away.

"Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on thi' feet? Tha' favvers bluddy weel! For weeks tha's bin shufflin' about in a couple of owd carrier bags, neh this!"

"Leave me alone. Jim says I've got to polish't floor while am whooshing about!"

They were all tittering their heads off then Faggie put her three penn'orth in.

"I like thi' moppin' slippers owd lad. Oi, Jim! Weer's that long handled brush? Tha' could shove it up his arse so he could sweep the floor an' all as he's goin'!"

Titter, cackle, snigger!

Poor Crusty just had to put up with that for the rest of his shift, and was glad when one o'clock came so that he could put his old boots on again, and mosey on back home to Crustyville! He'd just got through the door when the telephone rang.

"Hello, I think this is Crusty Nibblesw ...."

"Now belt up and don't say another word until I tell ya to!"

"Okay Bel, worisit that ya ........"

"SHADDAP! Right! That's better. Now then, worra wanted to ask ya this morning was, have ya gor'anything planned for Sunday?"

Silence.

"Ya can speyk now ya dim witted owd sod!"

"Oh reet. Wot d'ya want me't say then?"

"I said, have ya gor'owt planned for this Sunday? Speyk!"

"Oh! No, I've nowt planned yet. Have you?"

"Yis, as a matter of fact I have. Now lissen, and don't forget. Be ready for me to pick you up on Sunday at half past one. Have ya got that? Speyk!"

"Yis Bel, Sunday at half past one. In the afternoon?"

"Yes of course in the afternoon ya bumbling owd fart!"

"Reet owd lass. Is there owt special ya wants me't wear? Do I need a special outfit?"

"No, just put yer normal clothes on. Well, normal for you anyway! Them sh!tty owd brown pants'll do, yer squelchy little black vinyl boots - I tek it they are squelched up again - and th'owd black jacket. Ya'll be alreet in them! Oh, and ya'd best put yer OBJ on as well as it might be a bit chilly where we're goin'!"

"Oh good. Am glad yer not goin't make me wear owt daft!"

"Did ya get yer special surprise at work today owd lad?"

"I did that Bel and they're bluddy belting, burra think I might look a bit daft in 'em!"

"Nonsense! Wi' all't scuttling about ya does ya can keep that floor all nice and shiny all day!"

"Burra thowt that were a cleaner's job!"

"Wot do I need a cleaner for when I've getten thee?"

"I suppose. So will I not see you at all this week Bel, 'ceptin' for Sunday?"

"No lad. Me warehouses are busy stocking all't new Christmas stuff for't sales in January, so I've nor’a lorra time't spare just now. Oh, I've just had a thowt though. I'll nip down tomorrow night as I've got some stuff in a bin bag for you to tek to th'owd folk wi' ya next time ya go. It's some owd clothes that used to belong to me hubby. I just stashed 'em all away after he'd de'ed and I'd forgotten all about 'em until you mentioned yer visiting!"

"Thanks a lot Bel. See ya tomorrer then."

As promised, the next evening Bel called at Crustyville and handed him the bin bag.

"Can ya stop for a brew Bel?"

"No lad, sorry. I've just nipped, burrave got to get back as I'm up to me eyeballs in work!"

"Okay Bel. Thanks for these, an' I'll see ya Sunday afternoon at one!"

"Half past one. See ya lad!"

Left alone again, Crusty put the bin bag down on the living room floor and went back to his telly. Every now and again the bag would draw his eyes, then he'd look away again, until eventually he could stand it no longer. He had to see what was in the bag so he went and opened it up, then tipped the contents onto the carpet.

"Neh then, let's see wot we've getten here!"

He picked up a pair of trousers and put them in front of him to see what they'd look like. The bottoms trailed for miles in front of him

"They're a bit long, burra could turn 'em up at the bottom! These legs are a bit baggy bur'it dun't matter. Neh then, this looks like a nice jacket."

He flung the trousers onto the settee and picked up a burgundy coloured velvet jacket. It was beautiful, so Crusty tried it on.

"Ooh, this fits me perfikt! Tailor made for Crusty!"

And so he went on fingering all the clothing in the bag. He put most of it to one side for himself then put the remainder back for his visiting!

At precisely one thirty that following Sunday, Bel rapped loudly on his front door and within seconds Crusty opened up and dragged her in by the arm when he started twirling round with a huge happy grin on his face.

"D'ya like me new things Bel?"

"Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on this time?"

"Me new duds. I favver a proper dandy in 'em don't I?"

"Tha' favvers a bluddy owd clown in 'em! Crusty, those used to be Gilbert's clothes. I gave ya them for't th'owd folks' home!"

"I know Bel. I didn't think ya'd mind if I helped meself to a few things though."

She started calming down.

"Crusty. Have ya seen yerself in't mirrer? Tha' favvers bluddy weel again! That burgundy velvet jacket doesn't go wi' them bright yeller trousers! I never did like them bluddy pants thar'e used't wear! In any case, Gilbert were six foot bluddy four. Ya've had to pur'an eleven inch turn up on them pants, and that bluddy jacket comes down to yer knees, not to mention the fact thar'it's hanging off both bluddy shooders and't sleeves are six inch too long! Ya can't wear them! And worra ya doing wearing a pair of his shoes? He took a size fourteen so how are ya keeping them on? Don't answer that! It must be several pairs o' grungy socks. Tha' favvers Coco the bluddy Clown round't feet!"

Sulk!

"I've getten me lickle black vinyl boots on in these shoes as well! Will I go and get changed then Bel?"

"No, we've not time now. In any case, to be honest, ya'll probably not look too out o' place where we're going!"

"Weer is it we're goin' Bel? Ya've not towd me yet!"

"Ya'll see!"

She got him into the Volvo and she drove off towards Standish. They came to a big field and she parked the car alongside many others.

"Wot's goin' on here then Bel?"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Look o'er theer!"

She pointed and Crusty's eyes followed her finger.

"Oh, it's a refreshments tent. I went to one o' these years ago when I went to Southport. D'ya remember Bel, when I ate them shrimps raw an'a got the squits?"

"I remember owd lad, but that's nor’a refreshments tent. Come on!"

He dutifully clomped alongside her in his oversized shoes and they entered.

Crusty's eyes widened.

"Weer is it ya've brought me to Bel? Wot's this? Wot do we do in here Bel?"

"One question at a time! I've brought ya to a Circus and we sit and watch all the wonderful acts!"

"Ooh, ta Bel. So ya've not brought me on a punishment then?"

"Don't be daft!"

He started jabbering and clapping his hands so she shoved him down into a seat until he'd quietened down. The people close by had watched his antics since he'd gone in and they were tittering behind his back at his clothes.

"Who's that?"

"He favvers bluddy weel!"

"I wonder if he's one o't clowns!"

"He's getten't feet for'it!"

"He's getten't face for'it as weel!"

"He favvers bluddy weel!"

Everyone settled in their seats and the Ring Master took his place under a bright spot light, the house lights dimmed and the show began. Out came the horses and riders, the acrobats and knife throwers. The dwarf clowns ran around making everyone laugh at their capers, and there were three particular animals that had noticed Crusty sitting there giggling and clapping his hands at the acts.

Over an hour later a man came out with some chimpanzees, and Crusty studied this act most carefully. The monkeys had everyone in stitches with their antics, and they were just about to finish, when one of them started running on all fours towards Crusty. Everyone watched laughing their heads off as she ran right up to him in her little pink taffeta frock and jumped on his knees, gave him a big sloppy kiss on the lips, nicked his barm cakes from his shoulder pads and then slapped him across the mush with a big hairy hand.

It was the same female chimp who had accosted Crusty several years before at Haigh Hall Plantations, only now she was bigger and stronger. She started screeching on recognising him and she dragged him up out of his chair so that he could join her in the ring.

Crusty, being Crusty, was only too pleased and, before Bel could stop him, he allowed the chimp to hold his hand and lead him into the centre of the ring.

Bel wasn't best pleased but admitted they did look bloody comical together!!

There was a mighty applause from the onlookers who thought it was all just part of the act, especially as Crusty was wearing the most ridiculous clownish clothing. What else could he have been except part of the act?

Crusty tried his best to copy everything the female chimp was doing, but he came to a sticky end when she grabbed him by the crusticles and again gave them another hard squeeze, then buggered off running round the ring and shrieking at the top of her voice with laughter.

The rest happened very quickly indeed.

Wincing with pain and eyes watering, Crusty kicked off the huge shoes removing the vinyl boots with them, turned on his heel and ran as fast as his skinny little legs could carry him and he ran up a tall, narrow, aluminium ladder with the monkey close on his heels. Up and up he went high into the air. As he got to the top the ape was right behind him, and the only other thing he could do was totter unsteadily across the tight rope to try to escape from the chimp.

Across he went legs wackering away and, halfway across, he started to lose his balance. He leaned dangerously forward, arms waving about. He leaned dangerously backwards, arms waving about, trying hard to stay balanced. Luckily he was wearing several pairs of sweat encrusted socks and they clung to the rope like an adhesive, thereby giving Crusty at least a sporting chance of getting across in one piece by sliding his smelly feet a few inches at a time.

The circus Staff was watching all this in horror and very quickly rigged a net underneath the rope in case he fell but Crusty, although not aerodynamically shaped, made it across ahead of the monkey then leapt onto the trapeze where he swung in the air for several minutes before deciding what to do next. The chimp leapt onto the other trapeze and a couple of times they almost collided.

"Bel, Bel, help me Bel!"

Paaaaarip!!

Bel was in bulk laughing, especially when the chimp held onto her nose from the smell and started wafting her hairy arms about, but she could hear Crusty calling to her.

"Wockle I do now Bel?"

There was so much laughter going on in the auditorium below that Crusty was at a loss as to what to do, so he just stayed up there swinging away.

Paaaaaarp, brrrrrrip! Crap!!

Looking way up from the ground the pair of them looked very much alike. If it hadn't been for their outfits they would have looked identical! There were two camels to one side watching him, their long necks moving from side to side with each swing, waiting for him to fall.

"What ho, old gal! Do you see who that is Jemima?"

"Oh yes Wilfred. It's him again isn't it?"

"Yes. What do you say old gal? Shall we help him out? What do you think?"

"I think that's a very nice thing to do Wilfred, come on then!"

Both camels lolloped out on their own and came to a standstill at the east and west positions of the ring, either side of the safety net, facing out toward the audience. Again they looked up and watched Crusty and the chimp swinging away on the trapezes, but now Crusty was dangling from his legs looking down at his Bel.

Upside down now, Crusty waved both arms frantically at her.

"Bel! I cawn't get deyhn. Wockle I do now?"

She shouted back up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Tha'll have't just drop deyhn into this net. Come on Crusty owd lad. Remember when ya was a little lad back in Mombongo. Remember yer tree swinging then!"

"Reet Bel, bur'it's o'er sixty year ago now. I don't know if I con manage!"

"Ya'll have to!"

Still in mid-swing, Crusty turned again so that his hands gripped the trapeze, and continued to swing until he believed he was just in the right position to drop safely in the net.

Swing, swing, swing, swing, drop ...............

Down he came from a great height and landed in the safety net. The people who normally drop into safety nets are usually very slim, but as Crusty was no light weight, the net sunk further and further until his arse bounced off the floor which bounced him back up into the air again, arms and legs flung akimbo! The applause and laughter was thunderous.
"Help me Bel. I cawn't stop bouncing now!"

Up and down he went, and the audience were totally ecstatic by Crusty's act, but after the eighth bounce he somehow went sideways and landed with a thump on Wilfred's back, facing the wrong way.

There was rapturous applause and Crusty got a standing ovation.

Bel couldn't see a thing as her eyes were awash and her grin was transfixed to her face. She was laughing so hard that her jaws and stomach were killing her as she'd never seen anything so funny in her life.

It could only happen to Crusty.

Wilfred and Jemima winked at each other and lolloped off again out of the Big Top with Crusty still bouncing on Wilfred's back and still facing the wrong way.

Bel watched them disappear, hands on hips!

On and on they went over the fields, through Standish town centre and lolloped down Wigan Lane, turning in at the Plantation Gates. The camels ducked down under the low hanging branches of the trees, but unfortunately poor Crusty was getting battered around the head again as he was desperately clinging onto Wilfred's back.

Of course, so many people had seen them that it was very easy for the keepers to round the camels up again and take them back to the circus where they'd been taken six months after first encountering the Crusty.

A few hours later a huge vehicle came and took Wilfred and Jemima away again, but there was no sign of the Crusty!


© Mollie M
25.07.03