Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
The old Air Commodore stood to attention, ramrod straight, and saluted. He stared hard at a 1942 Messerschmidt, and all the memories from long ago came flooding back again. This happened every time he saw a Heinkel, Fokker (yes that is spelt right) or any other German plane that had been placed under his watchful eye in the museum.
"Now this Crusty is a German Messerschmidt! Brought a few of these down in '41 and '42, I did old boy! Blasted 'em clean out of the sky! They were damned fine pilots though, those German boys; couldn't fault 'em and it was a hard battle. I flew a Lancaster bomber over the Mohnesee Crusty. Ever heard of the Dam Busters? The Mohnesee Dam in Soest?"
Crusty nodded his head. He'd gone very quiet listening to the old man recall the events that had taken place sixty years ago when he were nobbut a lad!
"Well Crusty, we blasted that Dam to hell and back. There was a village lying several hundred feet below the Dam walls and all those people ..... all those people that lived down there drowned Crusty. There were women, children, old people. All of them drowned. They don't show that in the films Crusty!"
There was a tear in the old man's eyes and he blew into his handkerchief, his voice choking with emotion.
"But it was war, Crusty, right or wrong. The Germans really gave us a run for our money on that mission!"
"Wot sort of an aeroplane wus ya flying?" asked Crusty, stupidly.
"I just told you a minute ago! A four-engine Lancaster bomber Crusty, the finest fighter plane of the day! I flew Wellingtons as well as Lancasters, but there were all these others in the air at one time or another," he said, gesturing with his arms to the other war planes.
"I'll tell ya wot Commode! I con see yer goin't start skrykin' so let's go for a nice cup o' tea shall we. Is there a caff in here? Ya can seckle yerself down eh?"
"Yes Crusty. That's a good idea, and perhaps you'd care for something to eat? Are you hungry? I must confess I am ravenous!"
Would he care for something to eat? Was he hungry?
Is a Rabbi Jewish? Is the Taj Mahal in India? Do fat Crusties fart?
Crusty told him that he too was most ravishing so they went across to the cafe.
"By the way Crusty, I'm a Commodore, not a commode. A commode is something that gets crapped on and peed on for the infirm or disabled! Just call me Alistair, okay?"
Crusty tittered.
"Oh alreet Alistair. I must be a commode then. Aren't I posh! I didn't know I had a title!"
The Air Commodore gave him a quizzical look. Odd chap!
They went into the cafe and placed orders for their meals, which arrived very quickly.
Alistair was still puzzled, so he asked Crusty what he'd meant when he'd said that he was a commode, so Crusty told him the tale about that day when he went to the Zoo and got involved with the camels and chimps when he was splattered with crap and peed on, and spit at with camel gunge!
He told it in graphic detail, as the Commodore attempted to eat his lunch!
By the time he'd finished, he noticed that Alistair had developed a greenish tinge to his cheeks and had barely eaten anything at all! Most odd as the old pilot had made a point of saying he was ravenous. Of course Crusty's tale would have put anyone off their food, no matter what their military background was, especially when it was accompanied with Crusty's appalling table manners and gobbling, grumphing and slurping noises.
Paaaarp!
"Oops, sorry owd lad. Are ya not goin't ayte that grub Alistair, only I've still getten room in me bally for a few more sausages and stuff rather than waste it!" said Crusty with a wink and a silent snicker.
He'd done it on purpose and the smell wafted up from where he was sitting!
Alistair pushed the full plate over to Crusty, the contents of which were devoured quicker than a river full of piranhas spotting a duck billed platypus who was happily basking in the sunshine and singing "They Call Me A Cockeyed Optimist"!
With a burp and another fart, Crusty was then taken to the section holding more planes and aircraft from the nineteen fifties to the present day.
Crusty's eyes lit up when he saw what he considered to be the most beautiful aeroplane. It was a Tornado! He'd spotted one of these outside too and there'd been a little kid scrabbling up the side of it, although a sign said KEEP OFF!
However, the Commodore, being very proud of the whole collection, steered Crusty in a different direction taking in the Phantoms, Harrier Jump Jets, even Dakotas, little Piper Cherokees and Comanche and Sioux helicopters and many others from different decades.
"Did ya ever take a hit Alistair, when ya wus flying yer aeroplane?"
"Oh yes Crusty. Did you want to hear about it?"
"Mmmm, yes please. I'm enjoying these tales! Canna 'ave a drive of one?"
The Commodore went white this time at the thought of Crusty piloting a plane!
"NO you can't! Well Crusty, we'd done a raid at Peenemunde where they had a secret establishment and had blasted that to hell too. We thought it was all over and turned to return to base. I was bringing up the rear of the squadron when all of a sudden I just knew I had a bogey on my tail! It was instinct!"
"Did ya havva tail in them days Alistair?" said Crusty, walking round the back of him and studying the Commodore's backside intently. "Ya wouldn't think so to look at ya now and how did a bogey from up yer nose ger'on yer tail?"
Alistair explained it to Crusty.
"Oh, I see. Bel's right about me. I am a daft owd fart! Continue please!"
"Well old Gerry started firing at me and I was doing everything I could to out-run him, but he was probably their ace pilot and he got me right up the arse end Crusty! Down I came in enemy territory, by parachute, and it was really scary I can tell you!"
"Gerry who? Gerry and the Pacemakers?" asked Crusty seriously.
"No Crusty, the Germans were called Gerries!" sighed Alistair, getting fed up.
"Oh! Wot sort o' secrets did they have in that Penus Monday place ya just said?"
His hearing aid needed a new battery again!
"Peenemunde Crusty!! It was where they manufactured the flying bombs. You know old boy? The doodlebugs?"
"Oh reet! Wor'appened then after ya gor'it up th'arse?"
As he was about to reply a young secretary came over and whispered in the Commodore's ear.
"I'm very sorry Crusty but you'll have to excuse me. There's a telephone call for me, from Crustabel! Will you be okay if I leave you here for a few minutes?"
"Oh yes Cap'n. I'll be alreet!"
"Don't touch anything eh Crusty. Don't touch anything! Just wait there till I get back."
"Okay Admiral!" said Crusty airily, trying to look as good as gold.
Oh oh!
With the Air Commodore out of the way the Crusty swiftly scuttled off outside to look at the Tornado properly.