Re: Jokes for blokes

A bloke gets home from the pub at six minutes past eleven..

"What time do you call this??" Yelled his wife. "I told you to be home at eleven. What's the matter with you, can't you tell the time, you useless sod? My mother was right, I should never have married a pathetic loser like you."
"I'm sorry love, it wasn't my fault." the bloke explained. "I was just finishing my pint to come home, when some bloke started asking all about you."
"Really?" She said. "What did he want to know?"
"Why I was crying."

Re: Jokes for blokes

(Sorry. Been away for a few days.)

A guy on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newlywed for the first time in their hotel. They start to undress and he says, "God, I never realised that your tits were this small." The wife got all upset and understandably throws him out.

While he was sitting outside the room, another guy comes down the corridor. The first man says, "Hey, what happened?"

"Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, 'Oh, I never knew your arse was that big,' and she just threw me out, just like that."

Just then a third guy, also on his wedding night like the first two guys, comes storming out into the hall.

"Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside.

"No," says the third guy, "but I bloody well could have."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Re: Jokes for blokes

SMUT ALERT!

The pope decides to go on tour so that he can speak to people all over the world. He wakes up one morning in his hotel room with a huge boner. He carefully looks around the whole room to make sure that nobody is there. After making sure that the room is clear, he begins to jerk off, but after a short while a reporter bursts into his room and snaps his picture.

The pope says, "Please, sir, you can't publish this picture, I'll be ruined! I'll tell you what, I'll give you £2,000 for your camera with that film in it."

"OK," the reporter says.

Later that day, while touring the city and taking pictures with his new camera, the pope starts talking to a local priest. The priest compliments him on his new camera and asks what he paid for it.

"£2,000," the pope replies.

"£2,000!" gasps the priest. "Your holiness, they must have seen you coming!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

Pete had passed his 29th birthday and was still not married, so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married.

Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating in the garden shed.

"What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married."

"But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her arms get tired."

Re: Jokes for blokes

The minister, all fired up because of recent problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"

Half of his congregation stood up.

Again, he shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"

This time, a couple of men stood up.

Once more, he shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"

Several women now stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and sisters, look at Little Johnny. Can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up... I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say?"

To which Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

A bloke got his sleeping pills mixed up with his Viagra.

He ended up having forty wanks.

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My dick's gone orange."

The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks the man to drop his pants so he can check.
Sure enough, the chap's dick is orange. The doctor tells the man, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks, "How are things going at work?"
The man replies that he was fired about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

The man responds, "No. The boss was a real arse, I had to work 20 to 30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours. I'm getting paid double what I got in the old job and the boss is really great."

So the doctor rules out work stress as the reason. He asks the man, "How's your home life?" The man says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doctor reasons that this has got to be the cause for all of the patient's stress.

But the man says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doctor takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He enquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch porno films and eat Cheesy Wotsits."

Re: Jokes for blokes

A woman had come to see her shrink. When he began using sexual terms, she interrupted.

"Wait. What is a phallic symbol?"
"A phallic symbol," explained the doctor, "represents the phallus."

"What's a phallus?" asked the woman.
"Well," said the analyst, "the best way to explain it is to show you."
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his penis. "This is a phallus."

"Oh," said the girl, "it's like a prick, only smaller."

Re: Jokes for blokes

One of my nipples is a different colour to the other two. Is this normal?