Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)
He removed his treasures from the pockets while she looked on to make sure he did it properly then she went back to the living room.
He put the jacket in and turned the dial until he thought it was on the right setting then looked around his kitchen, and realising that it was in a mess again, decided to quietly do some tidying up and clean his surfaces before Bel made him do it.
Bel had been interested in a television programme when it occurred to her that over an hour had gone by. She suddenly noticed that he'd been too quiet, so decided to go and see what he'd been up to.
She quietly opened the kitchen door and there he was at the sink with his back to her, up to his armpits in suds and singing to himself.
My penus in blue jeans
Moaning Lisa with a bony tai - ai - ail
She's a walking talking work-o-fart
She's the girl who stole my tart
My penus in ............
"Oi! Worra ya doin' and wor'avva towd ya before? It's bluddy V-ENUS!"
He leapt back in fright. He had a quick think to himself. No! He'd done nothing wrong this time. He was sure of it.
"Am doin' nowt Bel. Just givin' me kitchen a bit of a clean, that's all! Oh aye, VENUS! I remembers now, sorry Bel!"
"Why! It's a little palace in here now!"
"Bur'it still stinks dun't it Bel?"
"Well aye! I mean it allers stinks like a monkey's cage, bur'at least it's tidy for a change. Good lad! Put some disinfectant in yer water then wash all yer surfaces down again. It'll smell a bit sweeter!"
He beamed. He'd done something to please her for once.
"Bel?"
"Wot?"
He looked at her timidly.
"Can we go to't Club this Sunday? There's somebody on I'd really like to watch. He's a proper good singer and whenever he's on I allers go an' see him! He likes it when I go watching him 'cos o' me special outfit tharra wear!"
"Why, wot outfit? Ne' mind answering that. Alreet then, we'll go if ya want. Who is it that's on?"
"Why, it's a lickle Irish mon an' his name's Ciaran O'Fartery. He's a bluddy beltin' singer Bel and he dun't half ger'everybody goin'! Ya'll like him, you'll see!"
She tutted and shook her head.
"You and yer Irish men! They allers end up gerrin ya into trouble, an' it'll be O'Flaherty not O'Fartery! Okay then. Lissen Crusty, I've got to go now, burrall nip round again tomorrow't make sure ya've done all yer washing and ironing an' if it's not done, I'll gi' thi' that!"
She re-introduced him to her right fist and he nodded his head till it nearly dropped off!
"Okay Bel. Ickle be all ready for inspection tomorrer!"
The washing machine was just finishing its last spin as Bel left, so Crusty got all his stuff out and put them into the tumble dryer, wincing as he did at the thought of what it was going to cost him.
Still, they'd be dried all the quicker and then he could get his ironing out of the way. He set the machine for an hour and a half then went for a snooze in his living room.
When he woke up there was a programme on the History Channel on the telly, and it was all about Queen Elizabeth I. He rubbed his eyes and started to pay attention as he'd only missed about five minutes of it.
He was in absolute awe at the things that had happened in those bygone times, and was amazed to learn that Elizabeth had had a courtier by the name of Lord Birley. Apparently Lord Birley was only a short-arse, like Crusty, and she called him her little Pigmy and Elf!
"Well by the crin! Am not th'only one that got called a pigmy. If it was good enough for Lord Birley then it's good enough for Crusty Nibbleswick! Wait till I tell my Bel about this. Her'll be thrillt!"
He started to wonder what he'd look like in doublet and hose then dismissed the idea at the thought of his skinny little legs in tights and a ruff round his scummy neck!
Besides, he'd already tried that when he bought that sort of outfit years ago for the fancy dress at the Club, and he'd ended up getting his legs twisted up in the cloak. He still had it somewhere.
He flicked through the channels to see what else was on, and he watched some of the news that was showing some scenes of mayhem in a place called Tikrit. The camera panned over to an American General who was in the thick of it all and he answered a few questions that the reporters were throwing at him.
"Yes ma'am, we are in absolute control right now! Yes sir, what was your question again?"
"When do you foresee all this will be over General?"
"Well sir ... er ... let me put it to you this way sir. It won't be over till the fat lady sings, and that may be quite some time yet. Thank you sir, next question!"
Crusty's ears pricked up then he switched the set off. He'd have to remember that.
He suddenly remembered his tumble dryer and that it had stopped, so he went into the kitchen to take all his nice clean clothes out so that he could get them ironed before bed time.
He opened the dryer door and took out the first garment, which was a pair of his wincyette knickers. He held them aloft and his face drained of colour.
"Wot's happened to me knicks?"
He fumbled in the dryer again and took out a jumper.
"Wot's happened to me jumper?"
Then he grabbed a handful of his clothing and dragged them all out. Socks, knickers, vests, tee shirts, trousers, jumpers, cardigans.
He examined every one and as the penny dropped his eyes filled with tears.
"Oh heck! Wor'avva gone and done this time? Her won't half gimme a bluddy clout for this!"
His little brain cell went into over-drive at the amount of input it was trying to receive all at once.
Crusty scooped his things up and shoved them all into carrier bags, and hid them under the stairs then he ran to his phone.
Dring, dring. Dring, dring!
"Good evening. This is Crustabel Leekey speaking!"
"Bel?"
"Oh it's you. Wot d'ya want Crusty only I were just thinking of going to bed!"
"Well, ya know ya said ya'd come back tomorrow to inspect me washing and ironing?"
"Yes, wor'about it?"
"Well I were just wondering wot time ya were thinkin' o' coming!"
"Why? Does it matter?"
"Oh yes Bel, it matters a lot. Will it be morning or afternoon?"
"Well I were thinking about tomorrow afternoon, about three. Ya'll be at work in't mornin' anyway! Is thar'okay?"
"Yip!"
He hung up and left her standing there with the phone in her hand.
She shrugged her shoulders then went to bed, wondering what he was up to this time. She knew for certain though that she would find out in the fullness of time.
The next morning, before he went to work, Crusty scoured every charity shop in and around the Pemberton area in search of new grotties for his bedroom drawers and under-the-bed stuff.
He found out that, amazingly, he couldn't buy second hand knickers and socks but he managed jumpers, cardies, pants and tee shirts, then he had to go to a proper shop to buy one new pair of knickers and one new pair of socks. Sniffy and Whiffy were fine as he hadn't put them in the machine, but he needed a spare pair occasionally. He figured he could manage for a couple of months with just them and by then it would be warmer weather so, while he gave them an airing he could go without.
He'd drawn out fifty pounds hoping it would cover everything and was delighted when he counted up at the end of his shopping that he had thirty pounds left.
Tight owd sod!
He rushed home straight after work and threw everything into the washing machine again, remembering this time the correct setting, got them washed, dried, ironed and neatly folded just five minutes before Bel was due.
Phew!!
Bang, bang, hommer, hommer!
"Just coming Bel!"
"Good afternoon Crusty! Have ya gor'all yer jobs done? I'm here for inspection!"
"I know Bel. Everything's done an'a think ya'll be pleased at wor'ave done this time!"
He'd folded everything and put them in a tidy pile on top of the tumble dryer and Bel went to check everything out. She went through every item just in case he'd cheated, but every single item was as clean as a whistle.
"Neh then Bel. Wot d'ya think o' that?"
"Very good Crusty! But there's just one thing."
"Wossat Bel?"