Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

I;m all for tough love...some Parents (especially Mums) have never learned to say NO,and have never taught Their Children that stealing is a crime,so She should have sent for the Police and had Him charged when He stole the first time, a spell inside may have changed His attitude....I agree with Eccles..change the locks ASAP.

Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

Poor lady, I'm not sure what I would do Susan, although I think a meeting with the grandparents is in order and they all need to agree a way forward. It might be easier if they agree a plan together and stuck to it. Having pals like you must help too ... I hope she resolves the situation for his sake as well as hers.

Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

I agree with summer that this family needs a joint approach with everyone in agreement.
Call a summit conference.
Sounded as though his mum is an Enabler and as long as she allows him to walk all over her then that's exactly what he will do.

I'd also send the original post in an email to... mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk.

Advice is good from a 'professional' and if you look here...
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...s/dearmariella...
you also get great feedback from readers comments .

Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

Ruthio thanks for links but I think advice on here is good . I will show my friend and I know she will agree with all said. This site is great isn't it , brilliant help when needed .

Your all a lovely bunch x

Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

Very difficult. Our daughter has always been difficult and I've spent the last 16 years trying to compromise and mediating between her and my wife(her mother). For reasons unknown, she's always had leanings towards the stereotypical "black" culture and this year has been very hard with sleepovers, thefts and damage to our house by her acquaintance, her friends smoking weed and doing "cannisters" etc. The dilemma is that we want her to be safe and came to the conclusion that we'd rather they were round here than on the streets creating all sorts of mischief.

Ultimately, we can only learn through our mistakes and have decided on a new approach which is reasoned and based upon recent relevant experience. She'll either have to take it or leave it.

Not the same degree of hassle as outlined by the case cited by the op, but along similar lines.

There's no use trying to argue rationally. Just state one's criteria, stick by it and leave the decision with the person with miscreant behaviour patterns. After all, we've got where we all are by work/inheritance and concessions. We have a right to live our lives as we deem fit and mustn't live under the threat of emotional blackmail.

My daughter had a go at me for not currently working and that it was "only mum" who was bringing money in. The fact that I spent a couple of years travelling to London many weekend and holiday to upgrade my parents' house, adding circa £500k in value to out own house in London as well as adding circa £150k to our house in Manchester (why the hell was I ever on diy sites to seek and proffer advice based on experience?) whilst holding down a full time teaching job means nothing to her. Without wanting sympathy, I tend to suffer from depressions every 7 or so years which doesn't help. We are mortgage free, own a couple of flats and should hopefully gain income from some other investments in the not too distant future mean nothing to her.

Sometimes, one has to play the long game and hope that appreciation may at least be forthcoming, albeit posthumously.

Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

Simple solution

Go to a friend and have them remove EVERYTHING of any value from the house and temporarily look after it. I mean everything. Bedroom lamps, mirrors, appliances, cutlery (except 2 knives, 2 forks, 2 spoons), TVs, radios, ornaments and so on.

Son won't have anything to steal and sell on.

He will then act accordingly. If he is there purely to take stuff from the house then he will become frustrated and move on.

If he stays on, then he will have to live in an empty house with no TV, no kitchen appliances, no entertainment etc. Pure boredom. After a while he will I suspect, move on.

Once he leaves, change the locks and don't allow him back in.

Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

I am not clear what you mean when you say "Go to a friend" Realist?
Do you mean to enlist their help to remove everything, or do you mean the mother move in with the friend and leave her home to the son?
Either way I do not agree at all.

The way I understood it, this troublesome young man is living WITH his mother. Why, when she must be stressed enough, should she have to have all her belongings taken away and her home practically emptied, just to stop this little toe-rag pinching everything?
She will suffer as well this way. Can you imagine trying to live in your house with most of your belongings gone except for a knife and fork?
Why should she have to lose her telly and all her home comforts because of him? Anyway, where do you think a house full of contents would be stored for an indefinite period, for free?

I do not agree with this idea at all.

Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

If I were your friend, I would blame myself for his disposition, there is always blame to be had, one way or another.

Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

The response by those who advocate, in short, telling him to "eff off" amazes me. My brother in law asked a friend of his when one stops worrying about one's children, and was given the answer "tomorrow", which is entirely accurate.

I can only imagine that those who suggest their extreme black and white views have never had to deal with such problematic offspring themselves. Part of the deal of bringing a child up is that of "unconditional love". Are you seriously suggesting that you'd have kicked your child destitute onto the streets? If so, then you are living in a world of disillusion.

Re: what would you do - unacceptable behaviour

A simplistic and not accurate response. A "black sheep" of the family is not sufficient reason to take nor apportion any blame, especially if the rest of the family do not demonstrate such abnormal traits.