love it
02-09-2017, 09:33 PM
343
Re: Jokes for blokes
Boris Johnson is delivering his speech for the 2012 Olympic Games.He begins his remarks with, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."
Immediately, his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in his ear, "Mr Johnson, sir, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
06-09-2017, 08:44 AM
348
Re: Jokes for blokes
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said he was afraid that his teenage son had come down with VD. "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her.""Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things happen."
"I know, Doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms."
"That's unfortunate," replied the doctor.
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh God," said the doc. "That means we all have it."
06-09-2017, 11:49 PM
349
Re: Jokes for blokes
A businessman returns from Thailand. After a few days he notices a strange growth on his penis.He goes to see his doctor, who says, "You've been screwing around in the East - it's very common there. I'm afraid there is no cure. We'll have to cut it off."
The man panics but reasons that if it is common in the East, they must know how to cure it, so he goes back to see a doctor in Thailand.
The Thai doctor examines him and says, "You've been having intercourse in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies, "Yes, in England."
The Thai doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles and nods. "That is not correct."
The man sighs with relief.
But then the doctor adds, "No, it will fall off by itself."
07-09-2017, 09:29 PM
350
Re: Jokes for blokes
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus were in a bar. Jack turned to Stevie and asked, "How is the singing career going?""Great," said Stevie. "The latest album has gone into the top ten and I'm setting off on a world tour next month. How's the golf?"
"Not too bad," replied Jack. "I don't play as much as I used to, but I still make a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that sorted now."
Stevie nodded. "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and think about it. Then the next time I play it seems to be all right."
"You play golf?" said Jack, surprised.
"Yeah, I've been playing for years," replied Stevie.
"But I thought you were blind," said Jack. "How can you play golf if you're blind?"
"I've got a system," explained Stevie. "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and I play the ball towards him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green of further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asked Jack.
"Well," said Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
"What's your handicap?" asked Jack.
Stevie replied, "I play off scratch."
Jack was amazed and said to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Stevie said, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Jack thought about it for a moment before saying, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
To which Stevie replied, "I don't mind. Any night next week is OK with me."
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