22-02-2012, 12:53 AM
376
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
It's given me pleasure putting them on here from Word because I'm grateful that you're enjoying them, Marian, so I should be thanking you.
Yep, the last chapter is Chapter 200.
Having said that, the last chapter is very long, so I may have to split that at a later stage.
Next one coming up very soon.
22-02-2012, 01:07 AM
377
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
102
Thunderbolts and Lightning
(very, very Frightening!)
Thunderbolts and Lightning
(very, very Frightening!)
The next day was Monday and Crusty had decided to take the day off from work in honour of his Bel's return. He was trying to decide whether to ring her or not. Would he be waking her up? Would she get angry with him again? Would she be pleased to hear from him? He didn't know. So, cringing, he crept quietly off into his little hallway so she wouldn't hear him coming, and quietly dialled her number.
"Good morning Crusty. How are you today?"
"Morning Bel. I'm alreet. How are you?"
Fluuur-rup!
"I feel much brighter today owd lad. In fact, I were just goin't ring ya before ya set off for't caff!"
"Am not goin' in today Bel. I thowt we might do summat nice!"
Paaarp!
"My thoughts exactly lad!"
Pareeep!
"So, wockle we do then Bel?"
Paaarp!
"Ger'in yer little car and come over to my house. I'll cook us some brekkie and then I've got summat I want to show ya. Ya'll have the surprise of yer life!"
"Reet, I'll just have a wash and then I'll be on me way. See ya later Bel!"
He hung up and left her standing gob-smacked in her living room with the phone still in her hand.
A wash?
Although Bel's house was only a half hour drive from Pemberton, Crusty always took at least an hour or more to get there. He never went the same way twice and, as Mawdesley is in a very rural area, there were a lot of little country lanes and dirt tracks for him to discover on his way, not to mention the odd turnip field! He was forever getting himself misplaced, but always managed to get there in the end.
Today was no different so, while she was waiting for him, Bel put her coat on and, instead of driving, walked into the nearby village to buy bacon, eggs and a few other items. She hadn't had time to re-stock her larder yet and she had promised to cook him breakfast.
She strolled along breathing in the good clean country air in an effort to finally get rid of the four tons of sand she was sure she'd swallowed whilst abroad. She bought her odds and ends from the small, well-stocked grocery store and thoroughly enjoyed the leisurely walk back home where she started to prepare breakfast, and then awaited his arrival.
An hour and a half later, from her living room, she heard the Volkswagen coming down the drive and saw Crusty at the wheel wearing his crash helmet, yed bobbing up and down as he drove down the gravel.
She tutted, rolled up her eyes, and started walking slowly toward the front door.
Thump, thump, thump, rrrring!
She opened up and Crusty strode through, nose twitching up and down.
"Morning again Bel. Mmmm, that smells bluddy good. There's nowt like the smell o' bacon cookin'! Is me brekkie ready now?"
"More or less owd lad. Well, I've only got the eggs to fry up. Come on into't kitchen and let's ger'it etten!"
"Ya'd not forgotten I were coming an' etten it all up again had ya then?"
"No lad, come on!"
She dished out the full English and Crusty started hanching and grumphing while Bel looked on, remembering that she'd only been away for just over a week or so. It had seemed a lot longer than that. It seemed like a lifetime since she was in the desert belly dancing, singing her heart out and battering people.
He picked up one of the fat juicy sausages in his fingers and stabbed it right into the middle of one of his fried eggs, making the yolk splurt all over the rest of the food and onto the table. He cringed, expecting a clout round the lughole for that, but it didn't come.
"Sorry Bel!"
"It's alright owd lad. Are ya enjoying it?"
"I am that. It's a lot more tasteyful than the brekkie I cooked for meself earlier on. It's good this an'am bluddy hungry!"
"When we've finished I'm going to take you into my office. D'ya remember the last time ya were in there owd lad?"
"I do that Bel. Ya've got one o' them computer things in there haven't ya?"
"That's right, an'ave got summat I want show ya on it. I found something out while I were in Ir ..... while I were away."
"Okay then Bel. I'll just get this lot shovelled down and then ya can show me woritis!"
With his last piece of fried bread he mopped up the rest of the yolk and tomato and then sat back rubbing his belly.
Boip, baaaa-raf-raf, paaarp!
He'd done!
Pareeep!
She'd done!
"Crusty!"
"Yis Bel?"
"Tek yer crash helmet off owd lad! Ya shouldn't really wear it at the breakfast table!"
"Oh aye, reet. Ta Bel, that were bluddy good. I've missed yer cooking!"
"I've only been away just over a week!"
"I know bur'it feels like a lot longer than that."
"Yer right there owd lad, it does. Come on then. Let me show ya worrave found out. Come on boy, heel!"
He scampered along after her with a happy grin into her office where she switched the computer on and fiddled about with some of the keys.
"Neh then owd lad. I've found summat out tharra never noticed before. Ya remember when we were looking at that map of the world and we found Nuku'alofa and them other places?"
Crusty hung his head down low, cringing, and mumbled very quietly.
"Yis Bel!"
"Wot's to do owd lad? Worra ya cringin' for? I'm not goin't gi' ya a punch for wor'appened before."
"It's not that Bel. Promise ya won't gimme a clout if I tell ya summat tharrave bin keeping secret from ya. I think it's about time tharra came clean!"
"Well, it'd be for't first bluddy time! Er .... okay, promise. Worisit?"
"Ya might not like it Bel!"
"Worisit?"
"Well, it were a week after that tharra had a dream when I were asleep in me lickle bed one night. I dreamt tharra was in some o' them places that ya'd shown me on't map, burra couldn't recognise any of 'em an'a asked a pigmy like me who was passing by if there were any Nibbleswick's on th'island. The pigmy said tharra was on't wrong island and tharra had to ger'a bus across the sea to another island, burra didn't catch wot name he called it."
"Your point being?"
"Me poink being tharra don't come from Tonga Bel. I made it up!"
"Well why the bluddy hell did ya say ya did then? In any case, I know that now! Wot made ya think about saying all thar'about Nuku and Tonga an' all them? Ya said ya came from somewhere wi' a loaf in it! Tongue butties, you said. Sandwich Islands, you said!"
"Dunno Bel. I made all thar'up! I just thowt it were wot ya wanted me't say 'cos ya'd gone to all that trouble. I didn't know there really was a place wi' a loaf in it. I wanted to come from someweer and when ya said there was no such place as Mombongo I had to make summat up!"
"You stupid owd pie-can! Oh Crusty. All that time and effort wasted. But ne' mind. Come o'er here and look at wor'it says on this map. I hadn't been able to find it before because I wasn't used to this programme properly. When I was away somebody showed me a set o' maps and as I were looking through 'em I spotted summat tharra just couldn't believe! It were that little it was a bluddy wonder I spotted it at all, burra think I were meant to see it!"
"Worisit then Bel?"
Using the mouse she did a couple of clicks and brought up part of the world atlas then pointed to the tiniest little place they'd ever seen.
"Neh then look at that si' thi'. Can ya see that little titchy place reet there where me pen's pointing?"
"Mombongo! Ya found it Bel, ya really have found me lickle island this time! I towd ya me island's name were Mombongo!"
W h o o s h!
"Aye well, that's the prob .... Come back here and sit ya dehn. I've not done yet! It's nor'an island ya daft sod. It's reet in't middle of the bluddy Democratic Republic of the Congo in Africa, probably in't middle of a bluddy jungle or a rain forest from worra can see, but there's a big Mombongo as well with an airport, but that's not where you'll be from! You'll be from't little 'un."
22-02-2012, 01:09 AM
378
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
He came and sat back down again."Oh aye, ya could be right Bel. Don't forget, I were only a lickle lad when we came to England so me memory's not wor'it should be, burra knew I came from Mombongo Bel, even when ya said there was no such place! I know am nor'allowed to contramadict ya. That's why I told ya it were me granny's name. I had to say summat! Me granny's name were Muckebum Bongomongo really!"
She rolled her eyes and they watered up. Bongomongo from Mombongo. What a mouthful!
"Yeh but you said the men of the tribe went fishing in their coconut coracles in the sea. There's no bluddy sea for hundreds of miles!"
"Oh, well, pr'aps it were a nearby lagoon then. From a lickle lad's point of view a lagoon would've looked like a big sea!"
"So where was yer grand-bappy, I mean yer grandfather, gunned out of the water all them years ago then?"
"Dunno Bel. Pr'aps I got that wrong an' all. Pr'aps he'd been captured and brought to Mombongo for summat. I don't know. I don't suppose I'll ever know now that me dad's dead! If he'd still been alive he'd've been eighty-odd now!"
"Oh ne' mind botherin'. Why did ya say that Mombongo were yer granny's name though? Ya should've insisted that ya came from Mom-bluddy-bongo!"
"Well I had't say summat Bel, but when ya pasted me for'it I'd wished I hadn't towd ya."
"Yer a bluddy owd crate-egg yer nowt else! Any road up, now ya know where bluddy Mombongo is. In't middle o' soddin' noweer, infested wi' snakes and owd crocodiles an' all sorts!"
Sulk!
"I knew there were a place called Mombongo. I know am bluddy daft burra remembered where I came from, well sort of! I did think Mombongo was on't Sandwich Islands though."
"Ya daft sod!"
Then he brightened up.
"Will we go there for an 'oliday?"
"No chance! It'll be bluddy riddlt wi' all sorts o' wild animals. Crocodiles especially like I just said! Yer not gerrin me trudging through't bluddy jungle in a pith helmet an' a bluddy elephant gun. I'd have't buy ya a bluddy jungle outfit as weel. Ya don't want yer baldy owd yed bitten off do ya?"
"No Bel. Hey, I tell ya wot though Bel. Me yed's gone a lot smoother since ya've been away!"
"Worra ya talkin' about now?"
"Well all me lumps have gone 'cos ya've not been cloutin' me round't yed for over a week, and me bruises have disappeared an' all!"
Her face softened.
Wor'a bluddy shame. Poor owd bugger.
"Well that's good owd lad. I'll be able't start a-fresh when I get back to normal!"
Sulk!
"So, wot do we do now then Bel? Is it time t'ayte again yet?"
"Ya've only just had yer second brekkie ya greedy owd vulture!
"Oh aye, I'd forgetten. Will ya tell me all about yer latest jaunt Bel?"
"I can't owd lad. I towd ya that before I went."
"Hey, have ya heard about that Mad Sam Insane person Bel. Somebody caught him and gid him a bluddy good hiding and they caught a lady with a long black straggly beard an' her name was .... eeee, let me think, it were a funny sort o' name .... her name's called Has Anna Bin Laid On! Is her one o' them nasty women that walks the streets Bel?"
"I don't know owd lad, pr'aps!"
"Her's one o't th'ugliest bluddy women I've ever seen!"
It took all her power to stop herself from breaking out into a fit of the giggles.
"Aye, an' I'll tell ya wor'else an' all Bel. They both looked as if they'd been in a car crash wi' all't lumps and bruises they had. At first I thowt it must've been you that did it to 'em 'cos it looked like your style, but they said on't news that they were two of the most evil people in the world Bel and that th'Army had captured 'em!"
She wished she could take the credit for her own work, but she'd been sworn to the Official Secrets Act about all of this and would have to take the knowledge with her to the grave and let the Army take the credit instead.
Ah well, that's the way it was.
"Me an' Palethorpe had a good time though Bel. We played frisbees in Southport an' he took me for a walk on his lead down Pem an' we even ett out o't same bowl so as I didn't have't wash too many dishes. He liked havin' his dinner first. That way he didn't beg for mine."
"Ya washed the bowl up in between though didn't ya?"
"Yeh, after he'd had his out of it and I'd had mine out of it I washed it up and pur'it away until the next feeding time!"
She rolled up her eyes.
"Well I'd best make sure thar'it's sterilised proper before I feed him again, poor little sod! It's funny he's nor'ad a belly ache aytein' out o't same bowl as thee! He could've getten rabies! Come on, let's go back into me living room!"
Sulk!
"Will we go somewhere for a drive today then Bel?"
"Well if ya don't mind owd lad I'd just as soon stop at home, just for today and let me get me bearings back. I can't drive wi' me arm in a sling and like I said before I'm not gerrin in your farty little car. Okay lad?"
"Alreet Bel. Just tell me when ya've had enough o' me an' I'll ger'out o' yer road!"
"Okay lad!"
"Bel?"
"Wot?"
"Canna have another feed now?"
She smacked him over the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
"Bad boy!"
"Ouch! Okay Bel! Ya know summat else, while ya was away there were a lady in't Club one neet and she asked me if I'd tek her out, bur'a towd her tharra had my Bel to tek out!"
"She didn't happen to have a white stick, wearing dark glasses, have a guide dog wi' her and have a peg on her nose did her?"
"Ya mean like me begging outfit? I don't think so Bel bur'er did favver one o' them gargoyles that ya see on't side of a church!"
"Aye well, you're no bluddy oil painting either, any more than I am!"
They sat quietly for the next fifteen minutes, both lost in their own thoughts, when suddenly there was a roll of thunder.
Crusty looked up worriedly, but said nothing.
However, his arse did!
22-02-2012, 01:16 AM
379
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
Paaarp! PAAAAARP!!"Behave Crusty!"
He stuck his thumb in his mouth.
"Sorry Bel."
It started to pour down and there was a louder rumble of thunder overhead then a mighty flash of lightning.
"Aaaaargh. Bel, Bel help me Bel!"
Crusty leapt out of his chair and started running round the room in a blind panic, whooshing from here to there trying to find a hiding place. He eventually came to rest under the baby grand piano, trembling and shaking with his eyes tight shut.
"Wot the bluddy hell's up wi' you now? Come out of there Crusty. Wor'ever's to do wi' ya?"
"It's thundering and leet'nin Bel. Am frikkened of it!"
"Since when? Come out o' theer y'owd dipstick."
With a great heave with her good arm she hauled him out and sat him in a chair where he covered his head with his arms.
"Crusty. Yer alreet owd lad. I'll not ler'owt happen to ya. Wot's made ya frikkened o't thunder and leet'nin?"
"It all happened when I were a lickle lad Bel on me island, I mean Mombongo," he replied, trembling with fear.
"Come on then owd lad. Tell me about it an' it'll tek yer mind off it!"
"Okay Bel. Well I were only about three and it was the Year of the Great Storm! We allers had a Year of the Great summat or other. Anyway, there was this typhoid that started blowing all't trees an' everything. Me mam had just put me in me lickle wooden bath when our lickle wooden hut got blowed away!"
"And wor'appened then owd lad!"
Tears were swishing about in her eyes again. She could feel another good bray coming on.
"Me mam and dad run off to hide from't storm so I were left sitting theer on me own wi't th'ut flying about o'er me yed like in't Wizard of Oz. There were coconuts flying everyweer an'a lor'of 'em bashed me reet on't bluddy yed. Great big trees came crashing down in that typhoid Bel, that's why I'm frikkened of it now!"
She was dying to laugh again but knew he was serious.
"Typhoon, not typhoid! Wor'a bluddy shame. Me poor owd pigmy! I never knew, but don't you worry. Ya've got your Bel here with ya now an' I'll look after ya, ya know that don't ya lad?"
He nodded.
"Yes Bel, ta Bel! Ya know summat Bel, we had a few storms and stuff like that an' me mam taught me a lickle poem when I were dead lickle for whenever I got scared, after they used't leave me on me own and when they run off hiding from't leetnin'. Shalla say it to ya now?"
Eyes now awash, Bel threw her good arm around his shoulder so that he couldn't see her laughing at him. Wor'a bluddy shame. Fancy his mum and dad leaving him all on his own like that when he was just a baby!
"Alreet lad if it'll make ya feel any safer!"
"Here goes then Bel, it goes like this:
There is a way to keep yerself calm
Whenever yer feelin' frikky
Tha' jumps in bed and covers up thi' yed
And plays wi' yer lickle di ....."
Whenever yer feelin' frikky
Tha' jumps in bed and covers up thi' yed
And plays wi' yer lickle di ....."
"All reet, all reet I get the bluddy picture!"
"Sorry Bel. Am bluddy hungry. I could ayte a flock bed!"
"Wor'about a nice scabby pig between two bread vans?"
"Owt'll do Bel as long as ickle fill me bally up!"
"Ya've soon forgetten that yer frikkened o't thunder!"
"Aye well, that's another way of forgerrin, by aytein'!"
"Well it's nearly time for lunch anyway. Wot canna get ya owd lad? How about some blanket-lifters on toast, or d'ya fancy babbies yeds and chips from't chippy?"
Babbies yeds?
They're steak and kidney puddings in a thin suet pastry, the tops of which are similar to the fontanelle on a baby's head, hence babbies yeds - babies heads.
"Ooh yes, blanket-lifters please Bel. I've nor'ad beans on toast for a long while now!"
"Okay then, come in't kitchen. It'll only take five minutes!"
"Good. I need summat to pur'a road through me 'cos I've been a bit made up recently an' its bin making me go a bit maisy!"
"Well I knows just the thing for purrin a road through ya. Wor'about a food-to-fart missile?"
"Such as?"
She smirked at him.
"Another chicken vindaloo later on!"
"No ta Bel. Them blanket-lifters should do the job just as well!"
Later that night after Crusty finally managed to find his way back home he sat listening to his radio and started pondering over what could be wrong with his Bel. It was the first time since they'd met all those years ago that she hadn't either shouted at him or walloped him for something or another. Mind you, he hadn't done anything daft for once so that could account for some of it, but he had said some daft things and she'd barely even raised her voice to him.
"Weird. I wonder wot's up wi' her!"
At home Bel was going over her secret mission and her mind was in a terrible torment. Despite the fact that she was a lady of ponderous size and strength, and that she was at times very short tempered, she had never before purposely taken the lives of other human beings, and she was guilt-ridden over it. The experience had definitely changed her so she decided to call Charles again the following morning. Perhaps there was some sort of therapy she could take. Since it all happened she'd woken up several times in a cold sweat, remembering.
She'd had no idea it would have affected her this way, even though she'd put paid to the two evil men who had threatened the world with war and a lot of suffering. She'd done a great service, but she was having trouble convincing herself that she'd done the right thing.
"Well, it's too bluddy late for recriminations now anyway. I'll ger'o'er it in time, burrall have't make sure I don't take it out on poor owd Crusty!"
Just then there was a knock on her front door.
"Who the bluddy hell's that at this time o' neet?"
She got out of her chair and went and opened the front door, and found a woman on her doorstep.
"Can I help you?"
The woman just glared at her.
© Mollie M
25.02.03
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