Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
She punched him in the crusticles and he doubled up, tears spurting out of his eyes. It was a fair bet that he had his favourite knickers, Good Old Stinky on again today, making a record of at least twenty-two days without changing.
"Sorry about that Bel. Are ya alreet? It bubbled reet down me knicker leg that one!"
"Stop bluddy well showing me up!"
She'd called all these measurements out to the back of the shop and they were having a whale of time. Nobody had measurements like those so they knew she must have done it wrong but, nevertheless, they chose some clothing in those approximate sizes as best they could for the Crusty to try on, giggling their heads off.
One of them even commented that"A bluddy orang-utan would have better measurements than him! Look at the length of his bluddy arms! His bluddy knuckles are scrapin' on't carpet!"
They'd picked out some lovely clothes for him, in accordance with Bel's approximate measurements and instructions. Slacks, shorts, tee shirts, short sleeved shirts all in bright colours, woolly pullies, more new knickers and more new socks. They couldn't believe they actually fitted and that Bel had got the measurements correct after all. It would have been a tailor's nightmare though to even attempt to make a nice suit for him! Even a Saville Row expert would have a problem with Crusty.
The salesmen were elated with the large order she was purchasing and, just as they thought they were getting rid of them, she shoved Crusty into a chair then she turned and stared at their happy smiling faces as they were waving bye bye in anticipation of them leaving, and felt great sympathy for them.
"Neh then lads, which one of ya's brave enough to try him some shoes on his festerin' stinkin' feet? They'll be wet through and they'll stink like buggery bur'e needs new shoes. I'll give a little bonus to whoever teks him on!"
They all fled in terror, except for the junior salesman who wasn't quite quick enough due to lack of experience, and whom they'd left standing alone.
"Good lad! Come on then. He takes a seven when his feet are clean. Wot size shoes have ya gor'on today Crusty?"
"Seven an' a half Bel!"
She gave him a pelt.
"Sorry lad! D'ya want to borrow me peg?"
"Yus please missus!" the salesman answered miserably.
He scurried about getting different shoes for Crusty to try on then came back and knelt before him, just as that other hapless salesman in London had done some years back. Ever since then Bel had made a point of carrying a peg in her handbag, just in case it was ever needed.
"Here y'are lad. Get this on before he takes his shoes off or he'll gas ya!"
She placed the peg carefully and expertly on the end of his nose, nipping the nostrils together and the young lad gasped in air through his mouth. He had no idea he was going to have to put up with this sort of clientele. All he'd wanted to do was work in a man's clothes shop so he could get cheap gear and deal with the younger end of the market. Nobody had warned him about anything like this. His colleagues at the back of the room were having such a jolly time seeing the poor lad in so much discomfort. That's what juniors were for!
"Ya'll be alreet now lad! If ya moves swiftly it'll be all over with in no time at all!"
The other three salesmen had come and stuck their noses around the curtain, which separated the shop from their rest room at the back, and six watery eyes were watching the scene with merriment.
Crusty's right shoe came off and the lad placed a new shoe on encasing the nearly white woolly sweaty sock, which was indeed wet through and full of holes. Although the peg on his nose was preventing him from being gassed from the festering pong, he could actually taste the stink in his mouth and tried not to bother breathing at all for the time being. He looked up pleading with his eyes to the others, but they were all falling over each other laughing their heads off. They weren't laughing for long though as the smell from his sweaty feet enveloped the shop like a noxious gaseous emission from a nuclear waste plant.
"Do me feet stink Bel?" asked Crusty.
"Wot do you reckon? Yer bluddy socks are stuck on wi' nast. When's the last time ya scraped yer socks off yer scummy feet wi' that wallpaper scraper I got for ya specially?"
"Er. Dunno Bel. Should I have changed me socks before coming out?"
"Ya should've changed everything, ya smelly arsed owd fart-face!"
The other three salesmen doubled over laughing again.
Bel was trying to stay manly by only breathing when she needed to. She'd forgotten to bring her gas mask with her and she only had the one peg in her bag, so decided that in future she'd carry half a dozen with her when she had Crusty in tow so she could hand them round in a crisis.
Meanwhile, Crusty was enjoying all the attention.
"Reet lad. We'll take that pair o' brown sandals thar'e's just had on and thar'other pair o' soft leather flip-flops as well, in black. We'd best have one o' them pairs o' furry boots as well bur'in a seven and a half so he can wear two pairs of sweaty socks inside 'em to keep his little feet warm. Plus, he can have one o' them pairs o' brown and white spats! He'll look a proper dandy in them. Lastly, have ya gor'any alligator shoes thar'e can try on?"
Spats?
Crusty's eyes lit up again.
"Alligator? Yes we do madam, but they are very expensive. Are you sure you want his feet in alligator shoes?"
"Most certainly! He nearly gor'is bluddy yed bitten off by an owd croc when he were a little lad, so it's his way of gerrin back at 'em. Now don't forget lad. Sevens!"
"Bel! Weer are ya tekkin' me so as I'll need sandals and furry boots. And ya've getten me woolly jumpers and shorts. Yer not tekkin' me to't North Pole and Spain are ya Bel?"
"Shurrup an' stop whingeing ya soft owd sod! Of course I'm not! I'm just covering all possibilities, that's all."
The salesman, still with the peg on his nose, had gladly escaped for a few minutes in search of the latest shoe requirements and found what he was looking for. He placed them on Crusty's feet and asked him to stand and walk about in them. Crusty felt like he was standing on air and bounded around the shop floor in a little dance then he started singing again. He'd suddenly remembered the song by Jimmy Nail:
Crocodile shoo - oo - oos
Crocodile shoo - oo - oos
"Belt up Crusty! This is no time for singing. How do them shoes feel on yer nasty owd feet?"
"Bluddy beltin' these Bel. Canna have 'em?"
"Aye. Ger'em wrapped up lad an'a can pay ya and then we'll be on our way!"
The lad had never moved as fast in his life and he had everything parcelled up in record time.
"Reet lad! Wot does it all come to, that little lot?"
The lad blanched as he totted up the bill.
"That'll be one thousand three hundred and forty two pounds seventy five pence madam! Is there anything else we can get you today?"
"How much bluddy more d'ya want out o' me? In't thar'enough for one day's shopping?"
"Yes of course madam. How would madam like to pay?"
"Wi' money, wor'else? I can't imagine that ya'd want me body as payment would ya?"
"Ha, ha! Very good madam. Is it credit card, charge card, debit card .... ?"
Sarcastically Bel looked down into her handbag and seemed totally distraught.
"Oh I can't believe it! This isn't possible! Wor'a daft owd biddy I am!"
The young lad thought for just one moment that he was dealing with a con artist until Bel dragged out a massive wad of notes.
"Will ya accept cash instead lad? I seem to have run out o' credit cards!!"
"Oh, ha, ha! That was very witty madam. Yes, cash will do nicely. Thank you so much! Do call again! Er ..... should madam be walking around with a large amount of money like that? You could get mugged!"
"Can you see ANYBODY daring to mug me?"
He looked up at her full five foot eleven and estimated she was at least nineteen stones, with a face like a bag of cement.
"Thinking about it madam, no. I don't suppose they would. See you again sometime perhaps?"
"In about twenty years!" he thought behind their backs.
The others were kicking themselves. They were all working on a ten percent bonus scheme for everything they sold for cash as individuals, and the new kid had just got himself over one hundred pounds in the space of an hour or so for the sale, and Bel had shoved in an extra thirty quid for dealing with Crusty's feet!
Nice little Christmas present. Lucky sod, they thought!
Luck had nothing to do with it though. Anyone that had to get so close to Crusty and his feet, and deal with him more than deserved it.
When they'd finished their shopping Bel took Crusty to one of their favourite cafes and, as it was late afternoon, they just had tea and a dozen sandwiches each for a snack. Bel wouldn't let him have anything else because she'd planned making them a big pan of lobbies when she got him back.
With this, he was perfectly content. He knew his Bel made the most tasteyful lobbies he'd ever had and he had his surprise jaunt to look forward to.
© Mollie M
03.10.02