09-01-2012, 11:12 PM
117
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
71
A Very Special Competiton
(and Bel Does An Inspection!)
A Very Special Competiton
(and Bel Does An Inspection!)
The long hot days of September finally graduated into the much cooler autumn days of October. It wasn't warm enough now to sit out in his garden, and Crusty was having trouble keeping warm inside the house too.
Despite the fact that Bel had trebled his wages, Crusty didn't spend any more money unless it was an absolute necessity. Instead of turning the fire on to stay warm, the miserable old codger preferred to drag more clothing on. He would work his OBJs to death and sit there wearing more skins than an onion, and looking like Nanook of the North!
He had to justify it though, and one time when Bel had called round and had asked him "wot the bluddy hell hast getten on this time?" he'd answered saying that it was his "Sherpa Tensing" outfit!
Anyway, that's by the way, but he'd kept his kitchen and bedroom nice and clean because Bel had threatened him again if he didn't. Even his bathroom was in reasonable condition. After all these years, he was fed up of being pasted every time he did something to make his Bel angry with him.
He was sat watching his colour telly that Bel had given him after he'd come out of hospital when he'd been in traction, and was just flicking through the many channels when his telephone rang.
He leapt up like his arse was on fire (!) and squelched along at an ungainly pace into his little hallway and picked up the phone.
One thing's for sure about Crusty - his feet could never catch fire because they're always soaked in sweat!
"Hello, this is Crusty's phone so this must be ....."
"Crusty!"
"Oh hiya Bel. Fancy you phoning me right at this very moment in time as I was just flicking through me channels on me telly trying to find summat proper't watch 'cos there's nowt decent on an'a were just thinking about purrin me Macaroni on to lissen to some music then all of a sudden me telephone rings an'a come an' answer it in me lickle hallway an' it's you Bel. Bel? Bel? Is that you Bel?"
She'd stood there in her living room with the phone two feet away from her ear so she wouldn't hear his drivel. She was hoping he'd run out of breath!!
"Crusty!"
"Oh hiya Bel. It is you! I were just saying, fancy you phoning me right at this moment in time as I were ....."
She squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth.
"SHADDAP!!"
"Reet, shutting up Bel! Worra ya phoning me for?"
"Well I was just going to ask ya wot ya were doing, burra gor'it chapter and verse. Listen y'owd crate egg. I'm bored an'a were wondering if ya fancied going to the Club tonight for a game o' bingo! I were going to strip out me other neighbour's car engine for him tonight, but the daft bugger blew the bluddy thing up on the motorway this afternoon!"
"Bingo Bel? Yes, I'd like a game o' bingo. We've nor'ad a game for ages and ages and ....."
"All reet! Stop rabbiting on about it. I'll meet you in there, eight o'clock sharp. Don't be late, and make yerself presentable! I don't want ya showing me up again!"
"No probs Bel. I won't let ya down. Wot time is it now Bel?"
"It's half past five so if ya get yer tea now, ya'll have two hours to have a shower and put some clean clothes on! It'll tek ya that long to get the nast off!"
She could hear him sulking!
"Worra ya sulking for now?"
"Am not," he lied.
"Yes you are. Answer me!!"
"Well it's only Wednesday. Havva got to have a shower and wear clean clothes on a Wednesday, Bel?"
She counted to ten.
"Why are ya such hard work Crusty? I've only asked ya to do a simple thing being as yer a simple person!"
"Oh reet, okay then Bel. Ta Bel. Best not ler'it get too complicated for daft owd Crusty eh?" he said, grinning at his own sarcasm.
"If yer going to start gerrin cheeky I'll not buy ya any more lollipops or Curly Wurlies, and I'll not buy ya any new crayons either, so just behave yerself."
He stopped grinning. He was in desperate need of new crayons and he loved the banana flavoured Curly Wurlies as well.
"Okay Bel, sorry Bel. I know am daft. Wot time do I meet you in't Club then?"
"I've told ya once, eight o'clock sharp and dress up nice!"
"Okay. See ya later!"
Bel was already seated and chatting to Myrtle and Egbert when Crusty came lolloping along, tongue dangling out and pleased at the attention he was attracting on his entrance.
Bel had never been told about the encounter between Myrtle and Crusty a couple of years ago, so she was oblivious to the fact that Crusty had been drowned with his own pint by her, and everybody had had a good laugh!
As soon as everybody saw him their hands went up to their mouths, while he was discussed and giggled at.
"Hey up, he's here again after all this time, an'e's getten that bluddy owd black jacket on again. Just look at the bluddy state of it! He's not been in for a bit an'am not surprised after thar'argument he had wi' Myrtle. Did ya hear wor'appened to him in't cafe where he works a month or two ago? No? Why, his arse caught fire!"
"Ger'away wi' ya. Yer'avin' us on!"
"No it's true, honest, and he managed to get this drug dealer pur'away too, but the stupid owd bugger told the police he were a junior waiter and an arsonist, the daft owd fart!"
"Ger'away, honest? How did his arse catch fire anyway? I mean t'say, how does anybody's arse catch fire?"
"Why, he were walking past this chap who'd just struck a match. Crusty farted and it lit his arse up. He were ablaze for a bit from worrave heard!"
"Ger'away!"
The two ladies collapsed in a fit of giggles just as he was walking past.
As Crusty reached Bel, they could hear his feet squelching in his shoes. He thumped down in the seat next to her grinning, then he realised who she was sat with.
"Bel, Bel, come an' let's sit o'er here instead!"
Myrtle glared at him, and Egbert cringed in case his wife got stroppy again with him, but she said nothing. She'd decided that he'd probably be alright while he was back with Bel again, as she was a very decent type of person.
"I'm settled here now Crusty with Myrtle and Egbert so don't start whining!"
Anyway the game was about to begin when Crusty started wailing that he hadn't brought a pen with him, so Bel fished about in her bag and gave him her spare dabber to keep him quiet.
"All the twos .........."
09-01-2012, 11:15 PM
118
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
"Two lickle ducks!" he squawked out."Twenty two."
"Six and eight ....."
"Crusty's age!" Squawk!
"Sixty eight."
"If ya don't shut yer bluddy din I'll give ya a pelt. Neh shut it!" whispered Bel menacingly, kicking him in the legs under the table.
Myrtle smirked.
The game continued in relative silence and Crusty stared about while other people marked their tickets. He only played one ticket as he was too mean to buy more, plus the fact that he had the concentration level of a decomposing donkey. Bel played six so she needed to concentrate hard and she'd noticed Myrtle grimacing at Crusty when he'd finished the numbers off for the caller.
"Six and two ......"
"Clickety duck!" whispered Crusty, snickering his head off.
"Five and nine ........"
"The Brighton Line!"
Myrtle was getting well and truly pigged off with him again, even though he was only mumbling.
"Four and two .........."
"Farty two!" tittered Crusty
"Eight and seven ........."
"This owd fart will go to heaven!" Bel finished, "Especially if he dussn't shurrup right now!"
She slammed her size nine boot down on his foot under the table, which made him double up and his eyes started watering with the pain she'd inflicted.
"Ow! Thar'urt that did! Sorry Bel!" he squawked.
"Neh SHUT IT!"
Myrtle sniggered, satisfied that he'd been shut up.
During the break in the middle of the books the caller made an announcement over the microphone.
"Ladies and Gentlemen as you all know it will soon be Hallowe'en again, and this year we'll be having the children's party as usual. BUT we thought it would be a welcome change for the ADULTS to have a bit of fun an' all, so we're organising a special Hallowe'en do for adults WITHOUT the kids!!"
Cheers went up in the Club.
"Neh then, woritis we're doing is, we're having a Grand Pie and Mushy Pey Aytein' Competition and a Beer Drinking Competition so, anybody interested in participating, give a member of the Committee yer name and which competition yer entering."
Anybody interested! He must be joking! The whole Club was interested! As I once said before, there are some greedy buggers in Pemberton!
Everybody was busy mumbling away at this news. It was going to be a really good night's entertainment.
Crusty was making plans already.
"Also, for those of you who dare, there'll be a special prize draw BUR'ONLY FOR THOSE OF YA THAT TURN UP IN FANCY DRESS!! There'll be bottles o' whisky, gin, brandy, wine and other prizes as well! It'll be a bluddy beltin' neet so do come along and enjoy yerself. The competition will be held on Wednesday 30th October which is the night before the real Hallowe'en neet, so get yer glad rags on and join in the fun and all the razzamatazz that accompanies these sort o' do's!"
Crusty's ears had pricked up at the mention of a Pie and Mushy Peas Eating Competition and asked Bel if he could enter.
"Yes Crusty, of course ya can enter ya greedy owd pot-bellied pig, BUT only if yer a good lad between now and then. Put one smelly little vinyl boot out of place, and I'll not let ya go. Which reminds me, I thought I told you to have a shower and come dressed up nice and smart."
I'll give you three wild guesses what he had on.
CORRECT!!
He had th'owd black jacket on again! He was going to wear the old brown jacket, you know, the one with the bird sh!t down the back? Well, it still had bird sh!t down the back, so he put his best jacket on again instead to please his Bel. Surprise, surprise! The old brown pants were getting tighter and tighter and which now stood at half mast showing two inches of his nearly white woolly socks, and the turn-ups were packed with sausages, in two rows this time so he had ten in each turn-up instead of the usual five.
He had a three tone blue tee shirt on and most people know that wearing deep blue with brown looks horrible together. His shocking pink braces held the trousers up so that the waistline didn't slip below his belly line!
It goes without saying that he was wearing his nasty little smelly black vinyl boots that were positively swimming as he squelched along.
"I've getten nowt smart though Bel, an'am comfy in worram wearing!"
"Ya've getten them bluddy smelly owd brown pants on again, an'a can smell them sausages in yer turn-ups from here!"
Myrtle felt faint at the thought.
"Burra browt 'em't share wi' ya toneet Bel!"
She pulled her face feeling sick.
"No thanks. I've brought butties and pies for us. I don't want owt that's been in thy nasty turn-ups or pockets unless they've been hermetically sealed in special lead lined containers against all known germs and bacteria. Thar'a bluddy festerin' sh!t heap, ya nasty owd bugger!"
Myrtle started tittering. She really liked Bel!
"In any case. Wot d'ya mean ya've nowt smart to wear. Wor'about that nice black jacket that Michael gave ya? And ya've got them nice new trousers, shirt and shoes I bought ya to go with it?"
"Well I'm keeping them for best and for when I go to funerals Bel!"
"Aye, an' if ya keep on it'll be yer own bluddy funeral that ya'll be goin' to!"
Myrtle was having a wonderful time, and Egbert started to relax for the first time since Crusty came bounding in through the doors.
-oo0oo-
The end of October was drawing closer and closer, and Crusty was getting more and more excited at the prospect of joining in the Pie and Mushy Peas Eating and Beer Drinking Competitions.
He'd even been going to the extremes of half starving himself for the two weeks before the event in order to be sure there was enough room in his belly for plenty of pies and plenty of beer, and the poor old sod was becoming positively waif like.
He had been behaving himself extraordinarily well so that he didn't upset his Bel, and he'd found it extremely difficult, but nevertheless she was very pleased with him indeed.
The night before the competition, Tuesday, she called round at his house unexpectedly and caught him dozing in a chair with his feet in front of the fire.
Because of the sweat on his socks, there was steam rising from them in his attempt to dry them out for tomorrow. Bel could see they wouldn't be dry this side of Christmas, they were that bad.
09-01-2012, 11:18 PM
119
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
The placed reeked!He hadn't heard her come in and when she spoke he jumped like a scared rabbit.
"Oh Crus - teee! It's your Bel come a-caaaalling!" she mimicked him.
"Whoosat, wossat, wossup!"
"Get yer smelly feet away from that fender. I don't know how ya can stand to be in't same room as yer feet wi' that stink!"
Crusty started to try to work out that sentence.
"But Bel, if I didn't have any feet I wouldn't be able't stand at all, plus there's no way I can be in a different room from me feet! Did I say that right Bel?"
There was some logic to that, so she sat down on the chair with a thump, busting yet another one of the springs.
Boing!
"And wot canna do for ya this evening Bel? I didn't expecticate ya to come a-caaaalling toneet!"
"No I know ya didn't. I wanted to surprise ya!"
"Well it's a lovely surprise Bel. D'ya want a cup o' tea? I'll go and put the keckle on, eh?"
"Yes please Crusty. I'd love a nice cup o' tea."
She followed him into the kitchen and started poking around in cupboards, drawers, checking work surfaces for any signs of grime.
"Worra ya doin' now Bel?"
"Inspecting!"
He carried on making the tea getting more and more anxious by the minute, and when he finished, he picked up both cups to take them into the living room.
"No! Leave 'em here and we'll drink it when we get back."
"Why? Where are we going now Bel?"
"Follow me!"
He followed her upstairs and into his bathroom where she looked in every nook and cranny, down the plugholes for any signs of his fur. She scraped her finger across the tiles to make sure there was no crud, peeked into corners and the backs of his cupboards.
And then! She lifted the toilet lid to check for signs of Richard the Thirds or other nasties.
It was spotless! Clean as a whistle.
She nodded her head with approval, but said nothing.
Next, he squelched along behind her into his bedroom where she stood with hands on hips as she had on the day he'd electrocuted himself with the Crustbuster. She opened every drawer to make sure he'd put his things away neatly, looked in the wardrobe and under the bed for signs of banana skins etc.
"Wot's this doing under yer bed?"
He stood rocking on his ankles quaking, thumb in mouth.
"It's me jam roly poly bowl Bel, burra only took it to bed wi' me last neet for a last feed before I went to be-bo's. Here, I'll shift it now and wash it up proper when we go back downstairs."
He started shaking again. She'd caught him out in something.
She pulled back the bedclothes to make sure there wasn't anything nasty lurking there, and found a pair of his sludgy knickers.
He snatched them off her quickly and put them in his jam roly poly bowl.
"Reet. I'm satisfied. Ya've even kept yer living room half decent an' all except for the stink off yer feet, burra can't fault ya for once."
Whew!!
Crusty started getting giddy now. He was thrilled to pieces that his Bel had a good word to say for him for once and he started spinning around like a top making her dizzy.
"Ta Bel, brilliant Bel. Does this mean that I can go to the ball?"
"I suppose so. Have ya gor'an outfit ready for tomorrow neet?"
Had he got an outfit!!
"Oh aye, that's no problem. I'm wearing the outfit I made last time. It were when I missed it and you went to The Cat and the Canary and won that five hundred quid, d'ya remember Bel?"
"How could I forget? You'd buggered off to Tarleton fishing and you ate them maggots thinking they were yer Midget Gems. Am I reet?"
"Yer reet there Bel. Any road up, I'll not forget tomorrow neet while there's a Pie and Peys Aytein' Contest and an Ale Swilling Competition."
"Beer Drinking Competition!"
"Yeh, that's worra meant," he snickered into his hands.
He went to bed that night dreaming of pork pies, meyt pies, spud pies and gallons and gallons of beer.
© Mollie M
11.07.02
|
|
