21-12-2011, 12:19 AM
31
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
She couldn't believe it."Reet. The festerin' little fart bag. We'll see about this immediately!"
All of her plans had gone out of the window as she went out and started the car.
Arriving at Crusty's and not bothering to knock on the door, she marched straight in where she found him at the breakfast table picking fluff out of his belly button.
"Hiya Bel, nice to see ..... wossup?"
"C'm here ya bog-brained little turd," she bellowed, grabbing him by the throat and hauling him into the living room.
"Worrava done this time Bel?"
She pointed to the phone bill and he cringed. His head went right down into his neck which almost disappeared into his shoulders. He favvered a constipated turtle.
"Who do these numbers belong to that ya've been phoning?" she bellowed at him.
"I dunno Bel. How am I supposed to know?"
"Well you made 'em ya feeble brained little moron! I've gor'a bill here for your phone, for a hundred and ninety eight pounds!"
His head shrunk further into his shoulders and his eyes started watering. He knew what was coming, crutch or no crutch. He'd got away with it for long enough and he knew he shouldn't really have phoned those nice people at Bel's expense.
"I only phoned a few friends to chat to when I were bored on me own that's all Bel. Ya can't blame a chap for that!"
"Crusty my own phone bill only came to eighty odd pounds and I make business calls on mine, some mobile to mobile, so how the bluddy hell hast run up a bill like this? Ne' mind, I'll find out for meself!"
She selected one of the numbers off the bill at random and dialled it from Crusty's landline.
A sultry voice answered.
"Hello, this is Princess Punishment speaking! Can I service you today?"
"Aye an' this is Basher Bel the Battler from Hell ya nasty owd bag!"
She hit the off button then dialled another number and got Jake the Snake this time.
She couldn't believe it. She checked the amount of time he'd spent talking to these characters.
"And wot exactly did you find interesting that these people had to say to you Crusty?"
"Oh well, they didn't get chance to say much as I were doin' most of the talkin' tellin' 'em how I ended up wi' a crotch and ......!"
"CRUTCH, ya daft sod. They must've thowt they were talking to a bluddy nutcase. THEY'RE supposed to do the talkin' not thee, that's the whole point o' them sort o' calls ya daft lookin' sod!"
"Sorry Bel. Did I do summat bad again?"
"How much money hast getten in thi' bank account?"
"Dunno! Not much Bel, about two hundred pound or summat like that, why?"
"Get yer jacket on, we're goin' out!
"Oh great Bel. Are we goin' on another trip?"
"Aye bur'it'll only be a short trip!"
They got into her car and she drove them to the local cash point.
"Gimme yer card here!"
"Wot card Bel?"
"Yer cash point card. Givvit here this instance!"
He started trying to leg it down the road on his crutch but she caught him, legged him up then slung her arm around his neck, dragging him backwards on the pavement towards the hole in the wall.
A small crowd gathered around them to watch!
With her arm still round his neck she fumbled about in his grotty pockets. She fished about through the crud, ball of string, lucky half a kipper which was now turning to jelly, a putrefying banana and six inches of crumbs until she found his wallet.
Totally frustrated she ripped it open where it had been stuck again and removed the cash card from the grotty crud that was stuck to the inside. No hammer and bolster chisel needed for our Bel!!
"Neh then! Wot's yer number?"
Silence.
"Wot's yer number?"
He pressed his mouth tight shut and made the motion with his fingers of zipping his lips up.
"Reet ya little snot rag. I'll soon find out. It'd have to be an easy number for you to remember it!"
She punched in 1111!
Right first time! The machine leapt into action as she withdrew a hundred pounds out of his account, still with one arm around his throat.
"Bel, Bel ya cawn't do that!" he squawked. "I've only getten two hundred alt'gether an' that's got to last me for at least another five years!"
"Ya tight little git! I'm 'avin' this to go toward yer phone bill. I'll bluddy teach ya to run a bill up like that."
"Yeh but yer loaded you Bel. Ya can afford it!"
She was dumbstruck by this statement and relaxed her hold on him.
"What I've got and what I can afford is my bloody business, not yours. How much do you think you've cost me over the last five years or so? Thousands! All those jaunts I've taken you on, new shoes and socks, feeds and sight seeing everywhere. I've got you out of all sorts of pickles with folk like Trevor and that computer company, and that's how you repay me! Well you've had it this time!"
"I could just ayte some pickles Bel!"
She cracked him round the back of the head again.
"Gimme that phone an' all ya little sap. Yer nor'aving thar'anymore either!"
"Aw Bel, don't tek me phone off me. Wor'about all them new friends I've made on it. Miss Thighs, Jake and the Princess, wor'about them?"
"Ne' mind about them ya daft owd bugger. They'll survive without thee moidering and pestering 'em!"
"Wockle I do now then Bel?"
"Do? Yer lucky ya've nor'ad the pastin' of yer bluddy life so don't start moaning again or I'll breyk yer other leg an' all!"
"Okay Bel, sorry Bel, ta Bel! You're very kind!"
"SHUUUT ....... UUUUUUUUUPP!!!"
"Reet Bel!"
© Mollie M
26.04.02
Good read, as usual, Mollie 
21-12-2011, 06:08 PM
37
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
Originally Posted by Berxer
->
Me???? I'm not skipping chapters, honest! I may not read them as soon as you put them here, but I do read all of them.....honestly miss. 
Originally Posted by jemflux
->
I love his antics Mollie, and look forward to reading them, always get a good laugh, its like reading a grown ups comic book every day, thanks a million.
21-12-2011, 08:19 PM
38
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
61
Crusty Has a Sort Out
(and Bel Takes a Holiday!)
Crusty Has a Sort Out
(and Bel Takes a Holiday!)
He didn't see his Bel for about four weeks after that as he'd annoyed her good and proper this time, but he'd no idea what had happened to her. Well! He hadn't known that talking to his new friends on his mobile was going to cost such a lot of money.
He'd tried ringing her a few times, but only got her answering machine. Unbeknown to him she'd taken herself off on holiday to Bermuda for a well-earned rest and well away from Crusty. She was currently hobnobbing with the jet set and the beautiful sun-kissed people, was staying at the Nassau Hilton and was just wishing that Crusty would disappear into the Bermuda Triangle, never to be seen again!!
She hadn't realised how desperately she'd needed this break and the same day, after she'd yelled at Crusty in the main street, she got on the phone and arranged a first class flight and accommodation within half an hour of getting home, and was away two days later. For the last two and a half months she'd had Crusty up to her eyeballs because of his temporary disability.
Because he'd been receiving so much attention, especially in the hospital, Crusty had milked the disablement ruse to capacity. It was only when a Sister caught him bombing down the ward in some poor one-legged bugger's wheelchair with his tongue dangling out and grinning that she informed the surgeon in charge of Orthopaedics, who then decided it was time for him to be discharged, but luckily for him, Bel never found this out.
If she hadn't got away when she did she'd have ended up a nervous wreck, terminating in a short stint at the local booby hatch!
During her time away, Crusty had finally been able to rid himself of his crutch and was now walking quite well, with just a bit of a limp and, because he was bored, he'd phoned Jim at the cafe to ask if his job was still available, and could he come back in on Monday.
Jim had told him he could come back if he was sure he was up to it, so Crusty had got himself ready on the Monday morning in his little uniform and set about once more with his job. He steeled himself as he walked through the door for yet more taunts.
By now he was used to the name calling at the cafe. It was his own fault though as he never gave the appearance of being clean and was not quite what was expected in an eating establishment, not to mention how many times he passed wind. There was enough in that cafe for Concorde to use as a wind tunnel!
He was frequently called over by regular customers on the pretext of something serious who thought it was amusing to make fun of the old chap, and now he was back to be humiliated once more. They'd missed him. They'd missed having someone to make fun of!
"Hey up, the old farter's back! Did ya find a cork big enough to shove up yer arse like I told ya a few month back when ya grawped in me face? Where've ya been and worra ya limping for?"
Crusty just ignored them for making fun of his minor indiscretions! He couldn't help it but he knew his windy aberrations were getting worse and worse.
"Oi, owd clinker arse! Get these bluddy dishes sided away! Have ya got rid o' them clinkers yet?"
"It's life Jim, but not as we know it!" one bright spark would say to Jim, the Cafe Manager, who was a lover of Star Trek and who would also break up laughing along with them.
"There's Klingons on the starboard bow, Jim! Set phasers to stun!"
"Yeh, bur’it's only 'is knickers they 'cling-on' to!"
"He's no morrre dilithiam crrrystals Cap'n. He canny give ye any morrre!"
Wor'a bluddy shame.
And so it went on. It wasn't fair! Even some kids had cottoned on and they kept yelling things out at him.
"Oi, Gimp the Chimp, get yer fat arse over here and get these slops mopped up or I'll leg y'up!"
Snicker, snicker.
Bel knew nothing of poor Crusty's plight, but he knew if he told her she'd clear the place out like a prize fighter and he didn't want any more bother, so he put up and shut up.
Crusty would scuttle over, mop tables and build plates up on his tray like Bob the Builder and the plates would sway back and forth like a tower block in a typhoon. It was ages since he'd dropped any, but then again, he was out of practice.
Then he'd get the same three old hags having a go at him every day, Faggie, Aggie and Maggie!
"Si' thi', look Aggie. Owd farty-arse is back!"
"Oh aye Maggie. Hey up, here he comes! Owd Numb Nuts the Juggler's back with his tray o' plates! Where's yer funny lickle three-cornered hat with three lickle bells on? Ya'd make a bluddy beltin' buffoon!"
They'd sit there cackling like the Three Stygian Witches, dipping their biscuits in their cups of tea to soften them so they could suck them, having first placed their false teeth on the table in front of them in their saucers. They sounded terrible sucking on those biscuits! It sounded like water going too fast down a plughole. There was always such a mess at the bottom of their cups when they'd finished and, even Crusty was disgusterated seeing this, but he still scooped the gooey stuff out on a spoon for a quick gobble in the back room!
Waste not, want not! I know! Horrible ain't it?
When he got home that afternoon he decided to go through his music collection for something to do. My word, there were some fine examples here. Crusty's music consisted of 78s, 45s, LPs and audio tapes, mostly by dead artists from bygone times, and his prized possessions were those by Slim Whitman, Jimmy Shand and his Band, and Joseph Locke, not to mention his Max Bygraves and Des O'Connor LPs.
He had Mario Lanza on a 78 singing "The Drinking Song" from "The Stupid Prince" as Crusty called it, and it was an original recording in perfect condition. If only Crusty knew! It was worth a small fortune.
As he only had about fifteen records he soon got bored, so decided to sort out his clothes instead - some to keep, some to throw away!
He got out everything he owned, which wasn't much, and laid them on the bed. All five OBJs were there and they started sniggering when Crusty brought out some of his brightly coloured shirts.
The old blue jacket let out a cheer as Crusty screwed it up in a ball and shoved it into a bin bag, but who was going to be next?
Me, me, please me! They all tried to put their hands up, especially the old blue jumper, our original OBJ!
Crusty looked at old beigey and thought about it. He looked weird now with the red dots all over it where Bel had darned him that time. The old beige jumper waited eagerly for Crusty to come to a decision. After all, Crusty had a new old beigey to keep him warm now!
Yippee, into the bin bag he went as well.
That left three OBJs and Crusty decided he could still get a bit of wear out of the old brown jacket if he could just get that bird sh!t off the back again, and the OBJ sat patiently awaiting the outcome.
Crusty picked up the old black jacket and examined it from every angle. Even Crusty admitted it was getting on a bit now and was going a funny shape. It was because Crusty was going a funny shape that the jacket was taking on its new odd appearance!
On second thoughts, he needed a black jacket for funerals so threw it back into its corner and finally, Crusty picked up the Old Blue Jumper. They'd been pals for half a century, but even Crusty could see it was getting threadbare. A tear appeared at the corner of Crusty's eye, sighed and stood the jumper back up in its corner.
"Oh shucks!!" sighed OBJ.
21-12-2011, 08:21 PM
39
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
The OBJ sulked. He thought he was being put into retirement after all these years of faithful service, but no! Looks like he'd have to work till he was sixty five after all before being pensioned off! Another few years of toil wrapped around Crusty's smelly shoulders didn't bear thinking about. He wouldn't have minded if Crusty washed him from time to time, but he was so stiff from the crud that standing up all day was all he was good at!Absent-mindedly Crusty picked up his crummy old brown trousers and felt about in the turn-ups where he found two old sausages, and in the pocket, a rotting banana. He sat on the bed munching and looked around the room.
When he'd finished he picked up the bin bag into which he'd also put his baby-sh!t yellow shirt, emerald green shirt, his purply-pink shirt and a few others that had become very tight across his belly and could therefore no longer fasten the buttons. Crusty couldn't understand it. They'd fitted him perfectly when he'd got them and now they wouldn't fasten.
"Must've shrunk!" he decided, dismissing the very idea that he could have possibly put on several stones in weight!
He stood up again and dragged the bin bag downstairs and took it outside, but not to his dustbin as you might imagine. Oh deary me no!
He opened the boot of his car and slung the bag in reminding himself to take it to the local charity shop at the weekend! He'd done this on previous occasions and when the ladies had opened his bags, they'd just taken one whiff of what was inside and slung them outside for the clothes re-cycling bin just round the corner. Just the place for his old rubbish, as more often than not a gang of kids would set fire to it all just to watch the Fire Brigade turn up, the little sods!
Contrary-wise, he sometimes used the bags that charities pushed through his letter box and he'd put some more of his rubbish in them and leave them at his door for collection. What always amazed Crusty though was when his donations had been collected there had always been a black bin liner in its place with some "beautiful" clothes in it.
On seeing the contents of Crusty's offerings the charitable people doing the collecting had felt great sorrow for this poor old soul who had nothing better to give, but what a kind person he must be. So they'd treated him to better rubbish from other bags!
Crusty had thought he'd been doing people a favour by letting them have his "beautiful" clothes! He'd have been better off finding out where Trevor lived and leaving them with him as Trevor admired Crusty's dress sense enormously!
Becoming more and more bored by the day with Bel's absence Crusty realised that he couldn't be happy unless he was with her. He knew he moidered her to death and jabbered on incessantly, but he didn't do it on purpose. It was just his nature, being part chimp, according to Bel!
Crusty had phoned Bel's home number every day in the vain hope that she would reply sometime and, about ten days later when he phoned her again, there was that funny beeping noise on the line. This time, her phone was engaged.
"Oooh! That means my Bel's come home. I'll go round to her house and surprise her and take her a coming home prezzie! She'll be so pleased to see me again!"
Yeh well!
He'd been doing quite a bit of clearing out from his cupboards as well, and had accumulated a few items which he would never use again, so he got the one item which he was going to give her as a present and wrapped it up in traditional newspaper with the usual thirteen yards of cellotape to hold it in place, then set off in his old banger for Bel's house. Even the bloody car farted when he turned on the ignition, emitting a loud noise and a cloud of black smoke at the back.
Thump! Thump! Thump! Rrrrrring!!
Bel had only been home an hour and was jet-lagged. She'd made a couple of quick phone calls to some of her businesses to let them know she was back, and she was just climbing the stairs to go to bed to sleep for the next twenty four hours, when Crusty started hammering on the door and ringing the bell in his customary manner.
"Who the bluddy hell's that?" she moaned to herself silently, knowing full well who it was. She was knackered.
Suddenly the letter box flirted opened and she saw a pair of red piggy eyes peering through. They looked like p!ss holes in the snow.
"Hiya Bel! It's your Crusty come a-caaaalling to welcome ya home!" he called, wiggling hello with his fingers through the letter box.
Just for a moment she was sorely tempted to trap his fingers but didn't.
Thump! Thump! Thump! Rrrrrring!!
She opened the door and her shoulders visibly shrank downwards, knowing that she wouldn't get any sleep this side of Christmas, and that was four months off! She was going to give it two days before letting him know she'd returned!
As soon as the door was opened wide he started chattering away like an over-excited monkey.
"Hiya Bel! I thought ya were home when I heard ya talkin' on't phone to somebody else! Well I couldn't actually hear ya, but I knew ya was on't phone 'cos it were making that funny noise like when yer on't phone and I can't get through to ya!"
She screwed up her eyes and clenched her teeth. She'd almost forgotten that he had such a scratchy whingeing voice.
He plodded through the door wearing the sweaty squelchy black vinyl boots which, after spending so much time away from him, she could now smell strongly and silently, she stood back to allow him access into her kitchen, screwing up her nose as well. And the whiff from his old black jacket made her eyes water.
"Shalla make ya a nice cup o' tea Bel. I can cook tea good now tharra don't pur'any salt and vinegar in it, and with ya bein' away am gerrin' a dab hand at cooking real food too!
Yeh, yeh!
"Ya know Bel, it's a funny thing this, but when yer away nobody ever seems to want to talk to me. I think I've only talked to meself while ya've been away!" he said, putting on the kettle
She sat down with a miserable thump at the kitchen table and resignedly put her chin in her hands, elbows on the table.
"I've brought ya a coming home prezzie as well Bel. I hope ya likes it! When I saw it in me cupboard I thought to meself - now then, my Bel would really like this if she saw it, so I thought it'd be just the job for ya!" he jabbered, handing it to her.
She took it from him without a sound and started trying to find the bit that started the cellotape off. It was quite a large present and after ten minutes struggling she got a knife and hacked through all the layers and opened the paper.
She studied the present, looked at him, rolled up her eyes then put it straight into the kitchen cupboard. What the bloody hell was it? Never mind! She'd ask him another time.
"Did ya have a nice time Bel? I didn't know ya was goin' on a jaunt. Ya should've told me and I'd've come with ya! I must admit I missed ya a lot. Can ya see Bel? No crotch now! I've done proper well haven't I? Am back at me lickle job at the caff as well now an' it's great that Trevor doesn't come in any more. How's yer cup o' tea Bel? Good in'it? Any road up ya'll be pleased to know tharrave bin doin' some clearing out with some of me old clothes, burrave kept me bestest 'uns."
Have you noticed Bel hasn't spoken since Crusty arrived? Can you imagine just for one moment Crusty at the Nassau Hilton with multi-millionaires all around him?
No, neither can I!
"I've kept this owd black jacket and me OBJ though 'cos I didn't have the heart to sling 'em and I need me black jacket for funerals. But I must admit Bel it's nice to have ya home to chat to. I like our lickle chats Bel, don't you?
She then slowly got up from her chair, cleaned her cup, then went round and switched off all the lights in the house. Then she went upstairs to bed leaving Crusty sitting there in the pitch dark still babbling to himself!
"Bel! Bel! Where've ya gone Bel? Oh Crusta - bel!" he called upstairs.
"Oh go to Hell!" her tired voice came wafting down the staircase.
21-12-2011, 08:23 PM
40
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
"Worrava done this time?" he muttered to himself, trying to work it out.Still puzzled, he put his old black jacket back on and trundled off home again.
-oo0oo-
Next morning Crusty sat at his kitchen table thinking about Bel, and wondered why she hadn't spoken to him the night before.
Just then there was a knock on his back door so he scurried over to find out who wanted to see him and found that it was Bel.
"Bel, Bel I were just thinking about ya and here y'are! I must be a psychopath!"
"Aye, yer right there old lad. Yer definitely a psychopath! Now then, here y'are! I brought ya a prezzie from Bermuda!"
He beamed at her.
"A prezzie? For me? Ooh ta Bel, great! Wor'isit? Is it a pair of Bermuda shorts?" he asked, tittering.
"Don't be so bluddy daft. Open it and find out!"
He eagerly ripped the beautiful wrapping paper from the present tearing it into shreds and held the object carefully in his grubby hands.
"Oh Bel! This is really beautiful. Thank you very, very much Bel. I always wanted one of these. Wor'isit?"
"It's a Toby Jug, Crusty. I saw it in a shop and it just reminded me of you with its big fat pot bally, piggy little eyes and daft grin! Ya can almost imagine it sitting there trumping as well! That's why it's grinning!"
"Oh aye Bel. I can see the resemblance. Thank you, yer very kind!"
"Yer welcome!"
"Did ya like my prezzie Bel, the one I gave ya after I'd done me clearing out?"
She had to think hard but she couldn't remember, even though it was only last evening.
"Oh yes, thanks Crusty, it was very nice!" she replied, still unable to recall what he'd given her. It mustn't have been very memorable, but she'd no doubt come across it sooner or later.
"I've really missed ya Bel and I'd sell me soul to't divil for some of yer cooking!"
"Which soul would that be then? Arsehole, rissole, p!ss hole or sweaty sole?" she said, with a dour expression on her face and Crusty snickered.
"That were good that Bel!"
"Yer away with the bluddy fairies you are ....."
Suddenly Crusty shot off upstairs and made it to the toilet just in time. Well, sort of! He made it to the bathroom anyway. This had happened about eight or nine times during the course of the last four hours and he was fed up, then he came back down eventually looking drained.
"Wot's up wi' you?" asked Bel, a little worried.
"I've getten diarrhoea Bel. Hast getten owt in yer bag I can take for it?"
Without a word she disappeared into his kitchen and put some ingredients into a cup then took it back to him.
"Get that down yer throat!" she said, stifling a good snigger.
"Ta Bel," he said, not questioning it, but downing it in one then pulling a face.
"Oooorgha! That's bluddy 'orrible that Bel. Wot was that ya give me?"
"Three table spoons o' corn flour and water mixed up!" she said, tittering her head off.
"Corn flour! Wot bluddy good's that goin't do for me diarrhoea?"
"Well it'll thicken it up for a start, ya little turd!" she snickered.
"Aw Bel, that weren't nice. I've not felt this bad since I pinched me mam's Feenamint back in 1956. I thought it were a packet o' chewy and I ate all the lot out of the pack! I were only trying to copy the Teddy boys, chewing. I didn't know they were laxatives and I spent three days on't bog then!"
"Serves ya right ya greedy old bugger!"
"Sorry Bel. Why're ya mad at me again? Worrava done this time?"
"Well, turning up at me front door last night for a start. I'd only just got in from me flight and I were buggered. I were just going to bed when you showed up moidering!"
"Sorry Bel!"
"Oh go boil yer head!" she said tiredly.
"Okay Bel, anything ya say Bel," he said, and went to put the kettle on.
A few minutes later he went back into the living room to find Bel dozing so he shook her awake again.
"Bel, Bel, sorry to disturb ya Bel!"
"It's alright old lad. Wot d'ya want now?"
"I've got me boiling water ready Bel. How long does it take?"
"How long does wot take?"
"To boil me yed!"
Her eyes flew open in alarm. The stupid ape was actually going to boil his head, as per instructions. Why did he have to take everything so literally? Then, with a smirk, her eyes turned into slits and answered his question.
"Till all yer skin drops off!"
"But wockle I do with no skin on me face Bel? Nobody'll recognise me!"
"Well that'd be a bluddy bonus for a start! Oh shaddap ya daft old bugger. I didn't mean for ya to boil yer head for real. Ya shouldn't believe everything yer told!"
"But I always do wot ya tells me Bel. Ya know that. I'd do anything you asked me to do!"
Wor'a bluddy shame!
"Yeh I know, but not something that'd hurt ya, surely?"
"Sorry Bel. It's just that if I don't do worram told I end up getting pasted. You have a nice lickle sleep now an' I'll not disturb ya. I can see yer still tired from yer trip! But don't have any daft dreams this time, eh?"
"Okay lad I'll do me best!"
"An' when ya wake up I'll have a nice dinner cooked for ya. How's that?"
"That'd be luvly Crusty. Yer nor'a bad lad really but don't pur'owt daft in me dinner or I'll shove ya in't dustbin!"
She yawned loudly. She hadn't really taken in what had just been said as she was on auto-pilot.
"Okay Bel!"
She smiled at him and closed her eyes again and Crusty started cooking.
© Mollie M
29.04.02
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