Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

So true!

As it was 8/9 years ago though, you should try and re-introduce your work to them. Worth a try?

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Thanks lass but I wish it were that simple. I'm not sure I could handle all the knock-backs again at my age now. Back then, you could submit work directly to a publisher but you can't now otherwise it gets put on a slush pile and may never get read.

The only other way is to go through a Literary Agent and it's not easy to find one that deals with comedy. Believe me, I've tried, but I will try again, but it's such darned hard work.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Ok. I understand that times have changed and it's not easy. Seems such a shame though

You need to find a friend that's in that field.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

I love how his jumper stands up on its own in the corner!

It's all the quirky little details that bring your little guy to life.

I can imagine Victor Meldrew playing the part in a TV sitcom.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Just finished the last chapter, i couldnt wait until this evening, Mollie you really are gifted, and its such a shame you have not had this wonderful story published.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Help me bake it through the night...indeed, he seems to have all my old records Mollie. Thanks for the laughs.
The dialect is all part of the character's makeup, you couldn't have him talking like a newsreader now could you?.
Remember how the Simpsons started on TV, they were introduced to the public in a series of short sketch's and blossomed from there, I know it's hard work, but keep pestering them until they give you at least a shot at telling your stories, and never lose heart, to make someone laugh is divine in my book.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Once again thank you all so much for your constructive comments. Maybe I just might have a look through my book of Literary Agents and see if I can get somebody interested.

Morty, the person I see playing the part of Crusty is Bernard Wrigley who is about the same size and has a similar accent to the Wigan one, although he's from Bolton, not far from here.

Jemflux I've only ever watched The Simpsons once and didn't like it I'm afraid, but you're right about the accent. There would be no comedy value if I'd written it in the Queen's English.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

5

Crusty Meats His Sole Mate
(and Life Long Partner?)


It was two months later and November again now. Time passed very quickly for Crusty. It was a lovely morning and he was in fine fettle. He was up early and was going to make himself some breakfast, but decided against it as he would probably be able to pick up a few leftovers at the cafe from the early morning customers.

His clock read seven thirty and he decided to get up whilst the weather was so nice. He put on his bathrobe and kippers and mooched along to the bathroom. He did feel happy today. He picked up his old tube of Pepsodent toothpaste and cleaned his false teeth then found his block of Lyril soap. He picked off the few specks of fluff again. By heck that soap and toothpaste had lasted a long time! Almost as long as his packet of Oxydol, which he bought back in 1958!

He didn't use his soap or toothpaste very regularly, but he decided to treat himself today! Back in the bedroom he slithered into his old blue jumper (for ease, the old blue jumper will from now on be referred to as the "OBJ"), and the rest of his clothes and, ablutions seen to, he went downstairs and put the kettle on.

The sun was bursting through the window which made even Crusty's dingy kitchen look cheerful and, as he made a cup of tea he looked around. It was time for re-decorating. This apple green and apricot looked nice when it was first done but on duller days it was looking a little seedy. Perhaps a nice new coat of cream on the walls and maybe a touch of peach gloss for the woodwork! Yes, he'd certainly think more on that one. Perhaps even a little tongue and groove for the ceiling! On second thoughts, forget it as he'd have to shell out good money!

He turned on the radio and sat down to drink his tea. He did enjoy his old Macaroni radio. He'd had that since about 1958 as well. In fact, just about everything he owned was circa 1958! I'm not saying he's as tight as tick on a camel's backside. He's just very careful with money.

The valves in his radio had warmed up and the songs emerged. Songs from about 1958!! Gracie Fields was in full swing with "If I Knew You Were Coming I'd Have Baked a Cake". Oh, but no, that was earlier. That was brought out in 1950. He could remember all those lovely songs. "She Wears Bread Feathers and a Huly Huly Skirt" with Guy Mitchell. Suddenly the room was filled with a lovely Caribbean sound and Harry Belafonte melodically began his song, "Oh Island In A Bun ........"!

There were some lovely songs made in the fifties. Some bluddy daft ones as well! He recalled some of the titles. "Shrimp Boats by Jo Stafford, "Sugarbush" by Doris Day, "I Left My Heart in San Franbisto" by Tony Bennett. He never could understand how anybody could leave a pound of heart anywhere, especially if they'd bought it for their tea! What a load of old tripe. He got up and turned the radio off. As usual he was going to the cafe to help out.

I should mention that the cafe owner had never asked for his help. Crusty had just turned up one day, bought a cup of tea then started clearing dishes. The cafe
owner told him that because he'd helped he could have his cup of tea and meat pie on the house. He went back every day after that much to the cafe owner's disgruntlement. This is absolutely true, I swear it!

He put on his owd black jacket and checked to make sure he had his wallet and snack-a-mac with him. The weather seemed gorgeous but there would be a nip in the air and it might even rain again.

This was Thursday and on Saturday he was going to a fancy dress party. He was thinking very hard about what sort of character he should go as. Now, you must remember that Crusty is not the sort of person to make a fool of himself. Nobody he could think of would ever say that Crusty was daft! No sir! (Not so bluddy hardly)! He believed himself to be a well-respected and valued member of the community so he would have to have an air of suavity about him.

What he didn't know was that everybody thought he was just a stupid old sod whom nobody liked at all!

Wor’a bluddy shame!

"I know worra could go as! I could go as Prawn Edwards, the Wigan Rugby player. All I'll knead is a cherry and white striped jumper. Mind you, I don't think I'd be very convincing at the age of sixty-eight! How about one of the Ugly Sisters, then?"

He started tittering.

"No, I'm nor'ugly enough!"

That's what he thought.

He popped a pear drop into his mouth and started munching. This was a difficult one. He tried to remember that old comedy programme on telly. That was it! "The Bunsters!" He could go as Herman Bunster. He could easily make an outfit for that using the OBJ and his owd black jacket for a start. He tittered at that. Nobody would recognise him.

He passed a newly opened fancy dress shop just then and the costume that was in the window was definitely for him. This was the one they've all bean waiting for. He would go as one of the three Crustketeers! He tried on the costume and he thought he looked quite a dandy. Actually, he favvered a rum bugger in the doublet and hose! His skinny little legs in the tights and his big belly hanging over were a joy to behold. The voluminous cloak flapping at his ankles kept tripping him up and the enormous feather in the big hat kept flopping over his face. (That was a plus).

Believe it or not, he actually bought it!

He arrived at the cafe just in time. He'd heard a roll of thunder so perhaps the day was going to turn nasty. Still, he had his snack-a-mac with him if you remember.

He went straight to the bread bin (without asking first) and made himself a butty, cheeky sod.

It was a funny old morning. Everybody that came into the cafe either kept giving him odd looks or pointing and laughing at him. He couldn't understand it and it was only when he went to pay a visit to the loo that he saw himself in the old cracked mirror and realised he'd made a prat of himself yet again.

He hadn't removed the costume and was still dressed as a squashbuckler. He went red with embarrassment at the very thought and removed the garments immediately. He had put his carrier bag with his clothes in the toilet area and as he rummaged for the OBJ he wondered how he could get around this one, daft sod.

Well Saturday came and Crusty donned his costume with pride. He set off for the venue in his old car. He knew one of his tyres was a bit iffy but it would be alright till Monday. He needed a new Pierelli tyre. When he arrived at the Club he found the plaice packed and already in full swing.

Feeling very confident that he would win the fancy dress contest later on, he made his grand entrance through the door. His idea was to swish through and gallantly doff his hat to the first lady he met. Instead, he tripped over his cloak and launched himself into a table covered in beer glasses. His hat, once at a rakish angle, fell over his eyes and the pointed end of the feather stuck in his eye, temporarily blinding him.

Whelping in pain, and dripping in ale, he spun around the floor like a whirling dervish. The cloak was now completely twisted around his legs and, unable to see what he was doing, he finally came to rest with a thump on his arse on the empty dance floor. The place was in an uproar. The applause was music to Crusty's ears though. So much for the grand entrance! Yet again, he'd made a complete prat of himself but he sat up and, with tongue dangling out, he grinned his cheesy grin.

Two men saw his predicament and went over to assist him.

"Come on owd lad. Wor’at doin' on't bluddy floor? Come on, I'll buy ya a drink to seckle yer nerves!"

"Oooh, ta very muchly lad."

He was escorted to the bar and was bought a pint of his favourite Whitbread. This pleased Crusty no end and wondered if he couldn't perhaps use the same thing again as a ruse in order to get free drinks. Mmmmm! He'd have to think Caerphilly about that one.

He scampered around the room to see what was happening and sang jauntily to the song, "Bye, Bye Miss American Pie" then sat alone at a table. Other people joined him occasionally but they didn't stay long. It had been quite a while since he'd showered and even longer since the poor OBJ had seen the inside of his Crustamatic! He'd been there over an hour now and hadn't really spoken to anyone. Still, he had half a pint of Whitbread left. He could make it last.

Tight sod!

"Excuse me, chuck. Is that seat taken?"

Crusty spun round to see a fine looking lady standing tall at his shoulder. A very large lady in fact!

"No, it's not tekken. Ya can sit theer if ya wants!"

They sat in silence for a while, but soon Crusty broke the ice.

"Ya know missus, that nice brown dress ya've getten on just reminds me of a golden pie crust!"

How gallante!

How romantic!

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

"Wot did ya just say? Who d'ya think yer talkin' to?"

Then her eyes softened and she smiled at him, realising he was just trying to be nice in a weird sort of way.

With that they quickly became friends. Her name was Crustabel! Crusty was so excited about her name he couldn't contain himself. He ran to the loo, had a pee and scampered back again. It seemed they were made for each other, their names so similar.

"I say Crustabel. D'ya fancy a twirl round't dance floor? I'm nor’a bad dancer!"

"Aye, why not?"

They got up and started jigging around like a couple of school kids and singing along to the popular old songs like "Do Wha Piddle Piddle Dum Di Di Do" by Manfred Man, and Bredna Lee with "Let's Jump the Breadstick!" They danced until they were dizzy and then a slow song came on. Ah, but this one took them back to their youth. The Platters were singing "Smoke Gets In Your Pies!"

She bought him a few more drinks and at the end of the evening he offered to walk her home rather than drive, but she declined as she had her own car outside and lived a distance away. She saw his crustfallen face and told him not to worry. She would meat him again tomorrow at the cafe he worked at, if he liked.

He nodded, gave her a cheesy grin and said goodnight. Because Crustabel had bought him a few pints, he left his car where it was and walked home, clicking his heels every fifty yards or so. It was a comical sight what with him and his funny costume but he didn't care. He was happy.

True to her word, Crustabel came to the cafe next day and Crusty thought that this was the beginning of a beautiful romance.

They gazed at each other over a mug of tea and a chip butty. They didn't need to speak - they had the most important thing in common. Food! Crusty admitted she
was on the hefty side, but what did that matter? He watched her push the food into her mouth - he was in love!

It was a partnership made in Heaven. Him for his love of food and her for her love of food and the fact that she appeared to have a pound or two in the bank! He could tell by her generosity and she didn't look skint! This was happiness incarnate.

They decided to go out for a drink again that night and get to know each other better. Crustabel drove and they arrived at a little out of the way pub. As they approached the pub there was a placard at the front that read FRE... FOOD TONIGHT ONLY - FREE!

They couldn't believe their luck and pushed their way through the door knocking a few drinkers to one side. Most people felt a bit sorry for them. Poor old couple probably can't afford to eat properly. Aaah!!

They immediately made their way to the tables that were crammed with all sorts of food and made their selection. Sitting down, they started to munch and crunch their way through the food on their plates. There wasn't mush room for talking as their mouths were full.

However, in between gulps he was asked to relate any interesting family history so Crusty began his tale. He decided to colour it up a bit. Well, you needed a bit of colour in your life when you were getting old and he didn't think she'd mind one bit.

His grand-bappy, he told her, had served on a pierate chip over a hundred years ago. It was called "The Jolly Jack Bit" and they sailed the high seas around Cape Cod and down the Spanish Main. He wasn't the Captain, but served as a galley hand and there the love of food was born.

After each attack the Captain's war-cry was "Pasta La Bistro Baby" and this phrase would be used a hundred years later by that great action movie hero Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Eventually, they'd met their match and were gunned out of the water in 1872 just off the Sandwich Islands. They remained there until the end of their days and that's where Crusty's grand-bappy met his islander wife and ultimately where Crusty was born.

"Hang on a bit there lad. Let's just take a break and go for some more snap, eh?"

"Oooh, wor’a good idea!"

She got up and moved over to the buffet tables and Crusty happily scampered along after her.

They sat in silence for a short while still crunching and munching and wondering what exactly it was they were eating. Some of it was salty and crunchy, but it tasted okay.

Some nice music was being played and Crusty crooned to his new love along with the song, "I Only Have Pies, For You, Dear!" He wasn't the best singer in the world. He sighed. She was wonderful.

He continued his historical saga. When they eventually came to England his father met a genealogist who'd looked up his family tree for him - for free of course.

He discovered that his family crest comprised two pork pies rampant with crossed knife and fork and his father's friend had a plaque made for him and it now proudly hung on Crusty's living room wall.

"Wot sort o' films d'ya like Crusty?"

"Oh all sorts really. I likes the films about Jack the Kipper and Sweeney Todd. That Mrs Lovatt's pies don't half sound bluddy good!"

"Are ya having me on owd lad?"

"No why? Some of me favourite stories are by that Charles Dickens bloke. I likes "Oliver Crisp", "A Crispmus Carol" and "A Tale of Two Chippies" bur'am nor’a very good reader so I'd sooner watch 'em on't telly."

He was getting into his stride now and continued talking about himself.

"Wor'else d'ya like doing?"

"Well I'm sixty-eight now, but when I were younger I used't love goin' pot noodling, but then me bally started gerrin too big an'a had to stop!"

Going on a diet had not been an option.

The time was now getting on and Crusty suggested they make a move. They'd enjoyed the evening but he'd eaten better food, he'd said. On their way out he asked the Landlord what food had been served that evening.

"Well there were champignon!"

"Worra champions?"

"Mushrooms!"

"Oh. Well wot were them horses doovers?"

"They weren't horses doovers they were hor's doeurves! It's just another name for starters!"

"Oh reet! They were very nice, but wot were them crunchy things we had?"

"Escargot!"

"Ya mean we've gone an' etten a race horse?"

"No sir. Escargot are snails!"

With that he zoomed off to the toilets with his hand covering his mouth. Crustabel stayed where she was, grinning.

He was angry now. Why hadn't someone told them they were eating slugs? (The shells were the crunchy things)! The Landlord pointed to the blackboard sign that stated the food on offer. But it was in French! Crusty could barely master his own language never mind someone else's.

"Burra cawn't speyk French. Wot would anybody want speyk French for? Crustabel, can you speyk French?"

"As a matter of fact I can Crusty just a bit, burra didn't stop to think 'cos I were that bluddy hungry. I just wanted't get some meyt down me throat. Sorry owd lad. I'll pay special attention next time!"

"I'm nor'avin' any more o' that t'ayte. I thowt I could ayte owt burra draw the line at ayetin' slugs!"

They left and once outside, the coolness of the evening was very welcrumb. They looked again at the placard which had sent them running into the pub earlier that evening. If only they had read it properly they would have read FRENCH FOOD TONIGHT ONLY - FREE. A small piece of paper had covered the ...NCH bit of the word and in their rush they had not stopped to read the sign properly.

This was one adventure they would chalk up to experience and there would be many, many more to come!

Many, many more!


© Mollie M
20.06.01

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Another good read Mollie Am really getting into this.