09-03-2018, 07:09 PM
651
Re: Jokes for blokes
Originally Posted by Longdogs
->
I'm speechless. 
10-03-2018, 11:08 AM
652
Re: Jokes for blokes
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.After a year, only three applied for the job.
A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and *SWISH!*, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
What a feat! exclaimed the Emperor. Number two Samurai, show me what you can do.
The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He drew his sword and *SWISH!SWISH*, the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered.
"That is skill," nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three?"
The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan-Cohen stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his sword and *SWOOOOOOOOOOSH*, flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room, but the fly was still buzzing around.
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly is not dead!"
"Dead? " replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy .. ~ .. but circumcised?"
10-03-2018, 11:32 AM
653
Re: Jokes for blokes
Originally Posted by longfellow
->
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job.
A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and *SWISH!*, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
What a feat! exclaimed the Emperor. Number two Samurai, show me what you can do.
The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He drew his sword and *SWISH!SWISH*, the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered.
"That is skill," nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three?"
The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan-Cohen stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his sword and *SWOOOOOOOOOOSH*, flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room, but the fly was still buzzing around.
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly is not dead!"
"Dead? " replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy .. ~ .. but circumcised?"
10-03-2018, 03:21 PM
655
Re: Jokes for blokes
Apologies if this has been done before but here goes;A ventriloquist is touring and one night he’s doing a show in a club in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual act including his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the middle of the crowd stands up and starts shouting at the stage.
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?”
“What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?”
“It’s men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and men like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to stutter an apology when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”
13-03-2018, 10:55 AM
658
Re: Jokes for blokes
A few quickies.Fella walking down the road with his dog under his arm meets his mate.
His mate says "Hows it going",
He said "I gotta put the dog down".
His mate asks "Why is it mad".
No he says "Its f*ckin heavy".
+++++++++
Prostiture gets run over by a car.
A crowd gathers and she's laid there screaming.
"I'm blind,I'm blind".
A doctor passing push's through the crowd let me see her I am a doctor he says.
Kneels down beside her she is still screaming "I am blind I am blind".
The doctors says "How many fingers have I got up".
She screams " I'm fricking palalysed as well"..
++++++++++
Jockey riding a horse for the first time.
Trainer pulls the jockey over and says,
"Heres what I want you to do,its a 6 furlong race.
I want you to hold it back for 5 furlongs and then give it it's head and let it go.
A furlong from home the jockey lets it go and all of a sudden
I prawn sandwich smacks him in the face a meat pie hits him in the ear a bottle of champers
smacks him right on the nose.
The trainer goes upto him afterwards and says "What went wrong how come you lost the race."
The jockey says "I was hampered in the last furlong."
13-03-2018, 11:17 AM
659
Re: Jokes for blokes
A few more.What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles ...Whodiduknickabollocoff
+++++
Two nuns riding their bikes through the village.
One says to the other "Do you know I have never come this way before".
The other says "Its probably the cobbles".
+++++++++++
Fella walking through the hospital see's a guy bandaged from head to foot.
What happened to you then he asks.
"Bungy jumping" comes back the reply.
"What you mean all those elastic ropes and going over the edge of a bridge did that".
"No Mr Bungy came home early".
+++++++++++
2 nuns meet in a street.
Ones pregnant and the other says,
"Hello my dear,I ain't seen you since Benedictus.
+++++++++++
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