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12-06-2017, 11:50 PM
171

Re: Jokes for blokes

A family of prostitutes are talking.

The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blowjob today."

The mother says, "In my day it was £5."

The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink."
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13-06-2017, 07:50 PM
172

Re: Jokes for blokes

I went to the local library for a book. I asked the lady for a book on Psycho the Rapist.

She said, "I believe it's pronounced Psychotherapist."
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13-06-2017, 07:55 PM
173

Re: Jokes for blokes

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," said the doctor, "so perhaps you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."
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13-06-2017, 09:21 PM
174

Re: Jokes for blokes

Bloody brilliant
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15-06-2017, 03:56 PM
175

Re: Jokes for blokes

What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

Push it aside and keep on eating!
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20-06-2017, 10:45 PM
176

Re: Jokes for blokes

A SAD STORY

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are, so at least you'd have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered in soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say you must be a bunny rabbit.

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth; you are low down on the ground; you have no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an estate agent or a politician."
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21-06-2017, 08:09 AM
177

Re: Jokes for blokes

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21-06-2017, 04:53 PM
178

Re: Jokes for blokes

A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me mithter. Do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl leaned forwards and said in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
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23-06-2017, 11:48 PM
179

Re: Jokes for blokes

Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen had lived next door to one another for over 40 years, and over the years had become firm friends.

The day came when each went into a retirement home of their respective religions: Mrs Murphy to the Catholic home and Mrs Cohen to the Jewish one.

After a few weeks Mrs Murphy decided to visit her old friend to see how she was getting on. When she arrived, she was greeted by Mrs Cohen, who seemed very happy. She went on and on about the wonderful food, the wonderful facilities and the wonderful carers. She then said, "And that's not all. You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend!"

Mrs Murphy said, "That's wonderful. Tell me what you two do together."

Mrs Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top and then down below and then we sing Jewish songs. And how is it with you, Mrs Murphy?"

Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new home and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs Cohen said, "That's wonderful. So what do you two do together?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top and then let him touch me down below."

"And then what do you do?" asked Mrs Cohen.

Mrs Murphy replied, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we shag!"
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25-06-2017, 12:12 AM
180

Re: Jokes for blokes

WORLD RELIGIONS:

Atheism - Shit happens.

Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama dama ding dong.

Hinduism - This shit happened before.

Islam - If shit happens, take a hostage.

Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?

Buddhism - when shit happens, is it really shit?

Confucianism - Confucius say, 'Shit happens'.

Seventh Day Adventist - Shit happens on Saturdays.

Protestantism - Shit won't happen if I work harder.

Catholicism - If shit happens, I deserve it.

Jehovah's Witness - Knock knock, shit happens.

Unitarian - What is this shit?

Judaism - Why does shit always happen to me?

Mormon - Shit happens again and again and again.

Rastafarian - Let's smoke this shit.
 
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