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Mollie
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25-02-2012, 01:33 AM
1

Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

104

Bel Tries to Relax
(and Crusty Makes Her Very Proud!)



It was now two thirty, and after Bel had said farewell to Soreen she got on the phone to her businesses to make sure there were no problems and, satisfying herself that there was nothing pressing, decided to have a nice long day at home doing absolutely nothing.

She turned the radio on and sat back in her most comfortable favourite armchair listening to Ravel's Bolero, which had just started, glass of wine in hand then closed her eyes and let the gently flowing music wash over her. She had now come to terms with everything that had happened to her over the last week or so and she could at long last relax.

Palethorpe was having a little nod at her feet after exerting himself earlier chasing after some of the wild bunnies, hedgehogs and other assorted wildlife which inhabited Bel's large expanse of land, none of which he ever managed to catch.

Apart from the music and the birds singing happily outside, it was otherwise quiet and peaceful.

Until ....

Thump, thump, thump, rrrring!

Startled, the dog and his mistress jumped up, every nerve jangling!

"The festering little sack o' sh!t. Wot the bluddy hell does he want now, hommerin' at me bluddy door uninvited? I'll bluddy well throttle him in a minute!"

She got to her feet and stormed in anger over to the front door, which she flung open widely, squeezed her eyes shut, and grabbed out at his neck with both massive hands, tightened her grip and hauled the poor bugger up, shaking him till his eyes rattled!

"Aaarrrgh! Worra ya doin' at me missus? Put me down! I've only come't read yer gas meter!"

Suddenly Bel realised that it wasn't Crusty who she was holding up fifteen inches off the ground. She dropped the poor bloke and he fell on the gravel with a clatter.

"Oops, sorry lad! I thowt ya were a friend o' mine!" she said helping him up and dusting him down.

"Eeee missus. If that's how tha' welcomes thi' friends I wouldn't like't si' thi' when tha's getten a strop on!"

"I'm sorry. It's just that a friend of mine always knocks on me door like that an'a were just dozing!"

"Reet. Can ya show me where yer meter is then missus?"

She showed him and he took the reading then walked as fast as he could back to the front door in case she decided to give him a hammering.

"Ya know summat missus, ya'd make a bluddy good bouncer!"

"I did when I were a lass! I'm sorry again about that. I'll double check next time before I haul somebody in wi't throat!"

"Reet then, I'll bid ya good day! Try to relax a bit more. Ickle do thi' a power o' good!"

"If only!"

She resumed her seat and Palethorpe resumed his place, then they continued listening to the lovely music, which filled the room.

"Aaah! That's much better!"

She closed her eyes again and thought beautiful thoughts. It was almost springtime again and the idea of another little break away sounded like just what the doctor would order after the horrible time she'd had in the Middle East, especially in the light of having heard the news that it wasn't Mad Sam she'd captured after all, but one of his look-alikes! Still, she'd got the other one right!

She mused quietly to herself.

"I quite fancy a week in Spain, or pr'aps the Algarve. Wor'about the tulip fields in Holland?"

She started to doze a little and her breathing was at one with Palethorpe's.

Until ......

Dring-dring! Dring-dring! Dring-dring!

Her eyes flew open again.

"Wot the bluddy hell's that now?"

It was the telephone evidently.

"Oh blast and damn their eyes, whoever it is. I can't relax in me own bluddy home without somebody moiderin' and pesterin'! Pr'aps they'll stop ringing in a minute."

Dring-dring! Dring-dring! Dring-dring!

Angrily, she got out of her chair again and went to answer the infernal thing, but she was very low on temper now.

"Good afternoon - Crustabel Lee ....!!"

"Hiya Bel. It's your Crusty a-caaaalling an'a ..........!"

SLAM!!

She waited by the phone knowing very well he'd ring again within seconds.

Dring-dr ....!

"Wot?"

"Oh hiya again Bel. I think we just got cut off. It's your Crusty a-caaaalling an'a just wanted to know if yer alreet!"

Her bottom lip curled down, her huge foot started tapping on the carpet and her face contorted into all shapes. She was fuming but she calmed herself down again. He hadn't known she was trying to rest.

"Yes Crusty thanks. I'm fine, burra were trying to relax and get some peace and quiet."

"Oh. So d'ya not want me't come round for me tea today?"

"No, definitely not! Like I said, I want some peace and quiet and ya know very well tharra can't ger'any o' that if you're here!"

"That's true Bel. I'd only end up moiderin' ya wouldn't I 'cos am always pestering, burra don't do it o' purpose Bel. It's just me nature 'cos I like being with ya an'a loves yer cooking. Ya know that, don't ya owd lass? Plus the fact that ickle soon be time for goin' on another jaunt won't it 'cos ickle be summer soon so I'll have't get me seaside outfits together and see if I've gor'owt nice't pur'on! Wot d'ya think Bel?"

Silence.

How did he know she'd been thinking about a break away?

"Bel?"

Silence.

"Bel. Are ya still theer owd lass? Bel?"

Bel wasn't there.

She'd put the receiver down very quietly for a change then unplugged it from the wall. She disconnected the door bell, switched off both her mobile phones then went

to the remotest part of the house which was a covered balcony like a conservatory with a tiled floor, and lovely plants where it was impossible to hear anyone knocking, no matter how hard they thumped, and Palethorpe accompanied her.

She curled down on one of the sofas and slept for the next four hours. She was sleeping rather a lot since her return from abroad, which was understandable.

When she awoke her stomach was rumbling from hunger, so she made her way to the kitchen and took out the lovely piece of fillet steak that she'd de-frosted earlier.

She put a large potato into the oven to bake then an hour later she cooked the steak and fried some mushrooms, onion rings and boiled up some green beans. She topped the lot with a fiery pepper sauce that she made herself, then took the meal over to her kitchen table and sat down to eat.

Suddenly, she realised she was alone. All alone in this big rambling house! It was the first time she'd ever been aware of the isolation as she'd always found the solitude comforting, but right now she felt alone.

"Wot the hell's up wi' me at all? I don't know which I prefer - being on me own wi' some peace and quiet or Crusty moiderin' the bluddy daylights out o' me!"

Then she made a decision. She didn't want to be on her own and she couldn't be arsed with Crusty either, so after she'd finished her meal she phoned for a taxi to pick her up in an hour, went upstairs, had a shower which made her feel much better and got changed into one of her lovely outfits.

The taxi arrived with perfect timing.

"Where can I take you this evening ma'am?"

"Back in time about thirty years, but, unless this is a time machine I'd like to go to The Cat and the Canary! Do you know where it is?"

"Yes ma'am!"

When she arrived she found that they were having some sort of a do, but because she'd been away she knew nothing of it.

It was another fancy dress do. Of course, it was Easter this weekend. She'd completely forgotten all about it and The Cat and the Canary always had a do for every occasion. Any excuse to dress up!

She was the only one not in fancy dress, but nobody minded. They were pleased to see her as usual. Some were even glad that she was in ordinary clothes because nine times out of ten Bel won the first prize for fancy dress, so at least somebody else would get a crack at the whip for a change. Just as she was about to take her first sip of wine her mobile phone rang.

"Hello, this is Crustabel Leekey!"
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25-02-2012, 01:36 AM
2

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Hiya Bel. I've been ringing and ringing ya at home but there was no answer, so ya mustn't've been theer so am ringin' ya on yer lickle mobile phone that ya can carry around wi' ya in yer handbag or yer pocket and go to't bog with, and now I've found ya!"

Her bottom lip had curled down again and she sighed heavily.

"Wot d'ya want Crusty?"

"Weer are ya Bel? There's a lorra noise in't background."

"I'm at The Cat and the Canary and wot the bluddy hell has it getten to do wi' thee? Are you checkin' up on me?"

"No Bel. Just wondered where ya was that's all!"

Then Bel had a little snigger to herself.

"I'll tell ya wot owd lad. Why don't ya put yer latest fancy dress outfit on and come along? Join in the fun!"

"Oooh, canna? Ta Bel. I'll come if I can find it. I went in a taxi last time an' he had a lorra trouble finding it, burrall do me lickle bestest!"

"Okay lad. See ya!"

"See ya Bel!"

"In about three hours," she finished, tittering silently and knowing it would take him hours to find the place with his track record. She reckoned he'd arrive at just about closing time.

However, much to Bel's displeasure Crusty turned up three quarters of an hour later with a big grin on his face because for once he'd found it straight away! All heads turned as he whooshed through the door at approximately ten thousand miles per second.

"Bel, Bel, look at worrave gor'on Bel! Where are ya Bel? Yoo hoo!! I cawn't si' thi'! Where are ya? Mustapha Fart's arrived!"

He tittered.

She groaned.

He couldn't see her but she could certainly hear him. She strode over to where he was scanning the room.

"Oi! Can ya not shout a bit bluddy louder? They cawn't hear ya proper in Manchester! Neh shuttit and ger'o'er here an' I'll get ya a bottle o' pop!"

"I'm not here to drink pop Bel! Ya know fizzy stuff makes me fart. I want a pint! Am spittin' bluddy fithers!"

"Not while yer driving. Now shuttit!!"

His outfit looked ridiculous. It was three sizes too big, at least four inches too long and he kept tripping over it, and he had his nasty little lime green plastic sandals on. The burnoose was done up all wrong. He'd made the square into a triangle and placed it over his head fastening two of the ends together in a bow under his chin with the rope thing sitting on top of his head like a crown, and his Fez sat in the middle of that. He favvered a brain-dead person's version of a mixture between Tommy Cooper and Gracie Fields in her factory girl outfit!

Sing as we go, and let the world go by!

"Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on this time? Don't ya know we're at war wi' some o't bluddy Arabs? It looks like ya've come out in yer grand-dad's flannelette neetshirt! I towd ya it needed some alterations before ya wore it. And wot's thar'on yer bluddy owd bald yed? Tha' favvers bluddy weel!"

His tongue dropped out and started dripping everywhere, huge happy smile on his face.

"It's me Arab outfit Bel! Ya towd me't come in me latest outfit! Weer's all this sand come from?"

She gave him his bottle of orange pop and they sat at a table. On seeing her, Frederick had whooshed over again making eyes at her, but this time she didn't stand any nonsense.

"Frederick! I don't come in here very often but every time I do you make a bee-line for me, and I'm sick to death of it. Next time you come bothering me I'll give you a good slapping. Do you understand?"

Frederick grinned and winked at her.

"Oh sweet Bel! Ding-a-ling, ding-dong!! I love it when you're being masterful. I'd ask you to sit on mi knee old gal but I rather imagine you'd probably break my skinny little legs! You're a bonny woman sweet Bel!"

"If you bother me again I WILL break your bloody legs, but not in that way! Ah here comes your lady wife. Hello Cassandra!"

"Hello Bel. Is this stupid old fart bothering you again?"

Crusty started tittering behind his hand.

"Yes, take him away Cass so I can get some peace! I've enough to contend with, with this bloody old fool at the moment!"

"Righty-ho! Come on you. Off you go!"

Cassandra picked up her husband by grabbing his right ear and tugged him off to the other side of the room.

Crusty was just getting to the bottom of his bottle of pop and started making slurping noises through the straw.

Paaa - rup!

"Who was that man Bel?"

"Oh ne' mind and stop farting. Hey up, I think they're going to announce the winner of the fancy dress!"

"How come you're nor'in fancy dress Bel?"

"Cos I didn't know about it until I gor'ere, that's why!"

"Oh! If I'd known I'd've put me Toyland outfit on. That gave everybody a good laugh at yer party that time didn't it?"

"It did lad. That's the outfit I thought ya'd pur'on, nor'a bluddy Arab outfit! Now hush, listen!"

"And now ladies and gentlemen it's time to hand out the prizes for this particular fancy dress. For those of you who don't know what the theme is tonight, and it appears that some of you didn't, I'll tell you. The theme for outfits for tonight were to be - Well-Known Figures In Bad Taste!"

Everyone turned and looked at each other, some giggling.

Just then, Crusty looked round and noticed some were wearing very outlandish outfits such as Margaret Thatcher wearing a moustache, bald wig, a man's suit and tie; David Mellor in a black bin liner with a hat made out of oranges and wearing manacles on his ankles. One woman had come as the Queen smoking a huge Churchill cigar and showing stocking tops and suspenders and so it went on.

"Now then, some of you are really sick in the head!"

Everybody started tittering knowing that the Landlord was only joking with them.

"And some of you are just plain daft so we've decided to make a special award, as well as the prizes for the persons we think SHOULD win. Cassandra my darling, you are the winner for dressing as Mother Theresa, Gothic style!"

"Oh, how wonderful! Thank you all so much!"
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25-02-2012, 01:41 AM
3

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"And Jeremiah, dear boy, you look splendid as Desmond Tutu, in a pink tutu, boxing gloves and football boots! Very witty!"

The six foot seven, thirty stone giant, Jeremiah, hammed up the old Uncle Tom bit, speaking in the deepest, throaty voice you've ever heard this side of Alabama.

"Why thaaanks bohss. You sure made dis old black man reeeee-al happy today bohss. Wahl a'smack'a my thigh an'a hush'a my mouth!"

Everyone clapped and laughed as Jeremiah, the only black man who ever went into the pub, collected his prize as well.

And then!

"Now then. As I said, there will be a special award for someone who has come here in an outfit that would normally have had him lynched in the light of what's happening in the Middle East at the current time. I remember him from last time when he wore an incredibly hideous old black jacket. In fact, he's got it on again! I also remember his name .... it's Quasi isn't it?"

Bel snickered.

Crusty was looking round wondering who the man was talking about.

Bel punched him one in the arm.

"Ouch!"

"He's talking about you y'owd pie-can!"

"Me? But me name's not Qua .....!"

Poke.

"Ouch!"

"The special award goes to our .... er .... friend Quasi sitting over there for his brilliant send-up of the son of Saddam Hussein, Qysay! Come and get your prize Quasi! You look fantastically ridiculous yet again!"

"But me name's not Qua ....!"

"It's good to see that you don't have a crutch with you this time!"

Poke.

"Ouch!"

He received a bottle of Moselle wine, but before he was allowed to return to his seat the Landlord spoke to him again.

"The last time you won a prize here Quasi you gave us a little recitation. Do you have another little pearl, another little gem perhaps that might give us another thought for the day?"

Bel frowned.

"I have that. Bel, Bel, is it alright if I say me poem?"

"It's not that one about when yer frikky, is it?"

"No Bel. I made up a proper poem all by meself while ya was away."

"Well wot's it about ya daft owd ditch rat? It's the first I've heard of it!"

"Well it's all about ..........."

"Oh for goodness sake just get on with it!" yelled the customers.

"I will in a minute burrave got to have my Bel's permission otherwise she'll gimme a good hammerin' later on!"

"Give it to me to read first then!"

"No! I want to read it out to everybody!"

"For crying out bloody loud just get on with it!"

"Alreet then. Is it okay then Bel?"

She nodded with a scowl on her face.

"Just don't bluddy well sing it!"

He looked around at everyone and noticed that they were all patiently waiting for him to begin, smirks all over their faces.

He started his poem.

The Eastern world is exploding again
Has Anna bin laid on and Mad Sam insane?


Snicker, titter!

If they don't lay their weapons, down in Iraq
Then there will be no turning back
To war we will go with Turds and with Sh!tes



Snicker, titter!

To fight for world peace and show them our might
If they don't behave though we'll give 'em a smack
So just ger'agate all of you in Iraq


"Amma alreet so far Bel?"

She nodded.

And so we will send in our soldiers, our boys
And then we can all cheer and make lots of noise
Bur'if that Mad Sam lets loose all his germs
We'll have nowt fot ayte so we'll have fot ayte worms

And so to recap, I think it's quite reet
To ler'em all know that we will not be beat
With tanks and with Yanks and Aussies and Brits
We'll go kick the balls out o' them lickle sh!ts


He looked around him again blushing and saw that the smirks had disappeared.

We'll paste the life out o' them till they stop
We'll smack 'em an' crack 'em until they just drop
We'll batter the hell out o' them and attack
And we'll win the war on them lot in Iraq!


He screwed his paper up and put it in his pocket then clomped and squelched noisily off the stage with everyone, once again, staring open mouthed at him in silence.

Then someone started clapping at the back of the room. It was Bel.

"Bravo, bravo!"

Everybody else started to join in then, realising that this feeble attempt at poetry was very meaningful and had been put together by someone who wasn't a full shilling.

He does love his poetry.

Bel had tears in her eyes as she knew full well that it must have taken him ages to conjure up the will and determination to put those thoughts down on paper, even if it was daft. It was the Crusty way of saying his bit.

As it sunk in with everybody, they each in turn started to clap and the noise was incredible. Then they all stood and cheered Crusty for what seemed like an eternity.

"Bel, Bel help me Bel. Woravva done wrong now Bel?"

She went over to him, still clapping, and put her good arm around his shoulders, escorting him off the stage.

"Ya've done nowt wrong owd lad. Ya've done summat good for a bluddy change! That wasn't at all bad for a chimp. Ya know wot they say Crusty? If ya tek an infinite number o' monkeys, and an infinite number of typewriters, eventually one of 'em'll write all the works of Shakespeare!!"

"Who's Shakespeare? Yer laffin' at me again Bel. Canna go home now please now tharrave got me prize?"

"Alreet owd lad. Ya couldn't run me home could ya?"

Eh?

"I thought ya never wanted to be seen in me lickle Noddy car Bel!"

"Oh I don't in't dayleet, bur'if we sneak off now while nobody's watching they'll not see me ger'in yer car, and it is dark now!"

"Oh reet. Okay then."

With a lot of effort, they both managed to squeeze into the front of the car and he drove her home then, once there, she invited him in for a nice cup of tea.

As they sat in her kitchen she was considering the poem he'd written, very carefully.

"Crusty?"

"Worisit Bel. Havva bin bad again?"

"No lad. Ya said that ya'd written yer poem while I were away. Wot made ya think of that subject at that particular time?"

"Dunno really Bel. I kept watching out on't news for ya but there was nowt. I'd a feeling that ya'd gone to sort out that Mad Sam Insane until they said th'Army had caught him an' thar'ugly woman wi't long straggly beard!"

"I see!"

What a strange coincidence. Was Crusty now showing signs of extra sensory perception?

No! It couldn't be that. He couldn't have EXTRA senses because he had none to start off with, and his idea of perception was to be the first one to smell his own farts!

What was it then?

Were they now entering into a weird sort of Twilight Zone?

Maybe he'd just been touched by an Angel!

Or maybe he was just touched in the head!!

© Mollie M
23.03.03
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26-02-2012, 12:13 AM
4

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Another good read Mollie. Laughed my head off when Bel hauled the meter man in thinking it was Crusty Loved his poem, didn't he do well, and bless him he thought he'd done something wrong
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26-02-2012, 12:39 AM
5

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Cheers Marian. You know, any time you want to comment in the negative about my stories, please feel free to do so as you won't upset me, but may give me thought as to how I might make my stories better.
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26-02-2012, 01:51 AM
6

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Like Marian said, another good read there. That was funny when Bel turned on the meter man I love it when Crusty wins prizes when he doesn't go all out to win them.

I can't think of any negative comments myself - you are so clever writing all those stories.
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26-02-2012, 03:05 AM
7

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Thank you Carmen, that means a great deal to me.
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28-02-2012, 01:11 AM
8

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

105

The Garden Centre
(and Very Special Plants!)



Dring, dring. Dring, dring.

"Hello, Crustabel Leekey speaking."

"Good morrow Bel. This is Crusty Nibbleswick speaking from his telephone in his lickle hallway at 13 Bakewell Drive, or at least I think it is, burrall go an' check if ya likes!"

"Good morrow Crusty, ya don't need to check. I were just thinking about you!"

"I know, that's why I gid yer a ring. Worisit ya wants me fo'?"

Bel just stared open-mouthed down the phone. How could he possibly have known she was thinking about him?

"Alreet owd smarty arty farty pants! If ya knew I were thinking about ya, wot were I thinking about?"

"Neh then, let me see. Is it summat to do wi' goin' to't garding centre again Bel?"

Her huge jaw dropped down onto the glass table with a thud, which formed a huge crack in it. That's exactly what she was going to suggest.

"Yes lad it is. How did ya know?"

"Well, I suppose it's 'cos I se'ed the sun shining, the birds were singing an' it looked like the sort o' day we'd go to't garding centre, that's all!"

"Okay then. I'll pick y'up in an hour. I need to re-stock some of me plants for spring an' I'll get you a few treats as well like a farty little garden gnome or summat. Okay lad?"

"Oooh goody! Reet Bel. See ya in an hour then!"

He started his mad scuttle around tidying up. He got a damp cloth from the kitchen and "dusted" his furniture, then dried it all off with a grubby tea cloth.

She arrived on time and, seeing she was in the Volvo, his eyes lit up.

"Have ya brought a feed wi' ya Bel?"

"I have owd lad. Butties, pies, barms an' a flask o' tea! We'll make a day of it shall we owd fettler?"

"Bluddy beltin' Bel!"

They drove over to the large garden centre in Ormskirk and, as it was a gorgeous day, there were a lot of people there, all with the same thoughts as Bel and Crusty.

For the middle of March it was indeed a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and there was no wind. It was nice and warm too, and it just made you think that finally spring was on the way after the snow and ice of just a few weeks before.

They had a trolley, with which Crusty was zooming all over the place, dashing here and there to see what sort of plants he could have and making people jump out of his way as he went, as he tried to mow them down.

"Well Crusty. Have ya seen owt ya fancy owd lad?"

"Not yet Bel burrave heard o' one on a gardinging programme tharra think I might like, burrave not seen one anywhere yet an'a don't know wot they look like either!"

"Worisit called lad?"

By now he'd darted off again, but he just caught the question so he shouted over the other side of the pots of rose bushes, which were yards away.

"I wants one o' them Penus Flytraps Bel? Will ya buy me a Penus Flytrap please Bel?"

Several people had heard him. In fact, most people within a two mile radius had heard him, and some of them burst out laughing but some were disgusted, especially two little old ladies whose daughters had taken them for a nice day out straight after church!

"Shut yer bluddy hole shouting like that, and get round here!"

He obediently scurried back to his Bel. She sounded annoyed with him for something, but he couldn't fathom out what it was. Screeching to a halt at her side again on all fours, he grinned shyly up at her like a little monkey, banana in hand.

"Wossup? Worrava done wrong now Bel?"

"Don't keep shouting yer bluddy daft talk out like that, ya red-arsed pigmy, and stand up proper. People think yer bluddy daft? Where did ya get that banana from?"

"Burra yam daft Bel aren't I? Ya keeps telling me I am anyway! I've started keeping a banana down't front of me trousers for when I ger'ungry!"

She pulled a face.

"Ya shouted summat out that's not very nice while ya were over there. It's a VENUS Flytrap ya meant!"

His eyes welled up with tears and his bottom lip started trembling.

"Burra cawn't go all't way to Venus just for a plant Bel! It were bad enough when I were on me way up to Mars that time when that aeroplane clod me out, but in't Venus a bit further than that, an'ad need a space ship to get theer? Will ya buy me one Bel?"

Pelt!!

"Shaddap ya daft looking sod! It's no bluddy wonder Soreen buggered off an' left ya! In any case, wot d'ya want a Venus Flytrap for?"

"Well they're a bit like me in a way as they grab out at stuff t'ayte, so I thowt we might have summat in common an' ickle gimme summat to talk to when yer busy!!"

"Aye well, I suppose yer nearer to plant life than human anyway. Ya could probably ger'a proper conversation out o' one o' them. We'll have a look and see if they've got one, burra think ya've got to keep 'em in a greenhouse, and ya've not got one o' them!"

"Well ya'll just have't buy me a greenhouse't pur'it in then!"

Pelt!

"Ouch!"

They didn't find one, but Bel made him a promise.

"I'll tell ya worrall do owd lad. One day next week I'll make ya a Venus flytrap out o' some bits and pieces. I'll make it so as it grabs out at stuff whenever ya goes near it. It'll give ya summat to play with, okay?"

"Ta Bel, bur'it won't be't same."

She smirked sardonically at him.

"No, it'll be better!"

Over the next week Bel could be found in her large shed tinkering with some bits and pieces! She had cogs and wheels, nuts and bolts, oddments of rubber, pieces of metal and a few sets of metal jaws, all which she welded together to make a six-inch wide mouth with sharp teeth, and a small passive infra red eye which reacted when anything passed by. It took her several days to make, and after she'd wired it up, she plugged it in and tested it by waving her hand in front of it.

She sat back for a moment and admired her handy work, then had a little snicker.

It worked a treat, but she needed to test it properly on something human shaped, so she got her tailor's dummy from her workroom and tried it out, making a few minor adjustments.

Whirrrr, click, screech, snap, whirrr, click, screech, snap!

Perfect!

She'd made it almost in accordance with the general shape of Crusty's chosen plant, a picture of which she'd found in one of her gardening books, but with a BIG difference.

Finally, she spray painted it and made it look pretty, dressing it up in bits of cotton wool and fringing then placed it neatly in a box which she parcelled up and posted to Crusty. She had a huge happy beam on her face as she handed it in over the post office counter for them to weigh, then paid and walked out!

"That'll make his bluddy eyes water! Neh then, that's given me a bit of an appetite."

She called in at the Loaf About just as Crusty was in mid-whoosh, so wickedly she put out her foot, which he tripped over. There were plates, saucers, cups and all sorts crashing down in a heap all around him.

It favvered a Greek wedding!

"Oops, sorry owd lad. Didn't see ya whooshing about! Ya were goin' that bluddy fast ya were just a blur!"

He got up off the floor and grinned, feeling daft.

"Hiya Bel. Have ya come for some brekkie?"

"I have that lad, I'm bluddy hungry!"

"Me too! Can I have a hanch as well?"

"No, you're working so ger'agate."

The next morning a parcel was delivered to 13 Bakewell Drive, Pemberton and Crusty was asked to sign for it.

After the postman had gone, he just stood there turning it this way and that, shaking it, sniffing it to see if it was a food parcel and eventually, after a lot of deliberating, he ripped the brown paper off to reveal a box inside.

He sniffed at it again then started unpeeling the four hundred yards of cellotape that Bel had wound around it, snickering as she went and finally, after a lot of frustration, he got the box open and looked in.

"Worisit? I cawn't understand why somebody'd send me a prezzie of a dolly without any instructions to follow, not tharrad understand 'em anyway. I wonder who's sent it."

He searched for a note, but found none then he picked up the object and sniffed at it again to see if it was edible. He then noticed the plug on the end so he plugged it into the wall socket. It was approximately twenty inches tall and quite heavy, and to Crusty it looked like a mechanical plant but with arms and legs.
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28-02-2012, 01:18 AM
9

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Ah! That's woritis! My Bel said her'd make me a penus flytrap. Her's proper clever my Bel, bur'it's bluddy ugly. I didn't know they looked like this! I wonder wor'it does. Weer d'ya switch it on? Oh aye, there's a lickle button here!"

Excitedly, he stood the robot on his kitchen worktop and as he switched on the button he bent down, elbows on the worktop, chin resting in his hands, so his face was four inches away so he could see what it did.

Whirrr, click, screech.

It lit up in pretty colours and there was one big eye staring at him, which blinked every three seconds. Then it spoke in a monotone, which sounded remarkably like his Bel's voice.

"Good morning Crusty. My name is Venus the Penus Flytrap and I am here for you to play with!"

Crusty was delighted. It spoke to him!

"Oh hiya. My name's Crusty!"

"I know it is ya daft lookin' arsehole!"

Just then, as Crusty was waiting for it to say something else, it swiftly moved forward and the pair of metal jaws that Bel had welded together opened and extended quickly forward, just like a scene from the film Alien.

It grabbed hold of Crusty's bountiful conk then the sharp metal teeth clamped shut again with a SNAP, leaving Crusty with eyes flowing like Victoria Falls and screaming in agony.

He tried to get it off, but couldn't so, with the robot still attached to his nose, he ran into his little hallway, robot swinging from side to side making him whelp, and dialled Bel's number.

The answering machine kicked in and her voice sounded just like Crusty's robot!

"Hello this is Crustabel Leekey but I'm not in right now. Please either leave your name and number for me to call you back or ring my mobile number ............. If you are in absolute torture and you need to see me immediately, ger'into yer farty lickle Noddy car and pop over to my office and I'll see ya there y'owd sod. The address I'll be at today is ........."

Crusty had listened carefully to the specially set up message. He wrote her work address down then threw the old black jacket on and rushed out to his little car.

"Neh, in't thar'amashing how that dolly'sh voish shounded just like my Bel'sh!"

It took him over an hour to reach her offices which were only fifteen minutes away, but once there he leapt out of the vehicle and rushed into the large building where
he whooshed to a stop at the desk that said RECEPTION. That was as far as he could go.

A pretty young lady had had her back to her desk whilst she filed away some papers and on turning, she screeched when she saw Crusty standing there with a robot dangling from his nose.

"I've come't shee my Bel. Tell my Crushtabel I'm here't shee her!"

"Jusht a ... just a moment please sir."

She pushed a button on the intercom.

"Yes Vanda!"

"Bel, Bel, ish that you Crushtabel?"

The secretary gave him a withering look.

"Miss Leekey, there's a gentleman here at reception and I know you'll probably think I'm mad, but he's got what looks like a toy robot dangling from his nose and he's wearing a crash helmet. He looks like he's just come out of the trenches from World War I! He's asked to see you and he looks as if he's in a great deal of pain. Shall I show him through?"

"Is he wearing a smelly, sh!tty looking owd black jacket and did he squelch as he came in?"

"Bel, Bel. I con hear ya burra cawn't shee ya. Are ya hiding from me?"

"Yes that's right Miss Leekey. Shall I show him through then?"

"Yes please Vanda!"

The secretary, squeezing her nostrils tightly between finger and thumb, told Crusty to follow her, and he shambled behind her as fast as he could, trying to stop the robot from swinging from side to side, and yelling as he went.

"Bel, Bel, where are ya Bel? Oh Crushta - bel, Bel, help me pleashe Bel! Your Crushty needsh yer help again!"

Suddenly, Vanda stopped and Crusty walked into the back of her, sending her sprawling and banging her nose on the wall. A door to their left opened and there stood Bel, bottom lip curled down, arms folded and foot tapping the carpet, then she helped her receptionist up off the floor.

"Are you alright Vanda?"

"Yesh thanksh Mish Leekey. I think I'd besht go and have a wash. There'sh a funny shmell round here!"

"Okay lass!"

"Thanksh Vandal. Wor'a funny name! Hiya Bel!"

Bel stared at Crusty for a good thirty seconds, then grabbed him by the neck and hauled him into her office.

She shook her head and tutted. She couldn't believe it, although really, she should!

"Stop bluddy squawkin' all o'er't place. Ya sound weel. I can't bluddy believe ya'd actually ger'in yer car and drive o'er here wi' that bluddy thing dangling from yer piggy owd snout!"

"Burra cawn't ger'it off Bel. It'sh shtuck fasht. Did ya know it were goin't do thish to me? Ish it another punishment? Me poor owd noshe ish alwaysh gerrin a clobbering for shummat or another!"

"Shurrup wi' yer bluddy chelp! Ya must've getten too close to it, ya daft looking sod! It weren't meant to grab yer snout, it were meant to grab ya someweer else. Come here!"

She'd known very well what was going to happen and snickered silently.

He was beyond all hope!

She managed to get the thing off him by using brute force, and told him to put it somewhere nice in his living room, if he could find anywhere nice, to remind him that he shouldn't keep shouting out in public.

"Reet Bel. Am shorry. I didn't know I were goin't get punished jusht for that! Were it a real naughty only am shtill not sure worra shed wrong!"

"Watch my bluddy lips! IT'S A V...ENUS FLYTRAP. Now you say it!"

"V...enush Flytrap. Ish that right Bel. Did I shay it good thish time?"

"It'll do. Now bugger off wom. I'm busy!"

"Reet Bel. How do I ger'out of here now. We came along a lorra corridorsh! Ya'd besht get shomebody't show me out or I might get losht like I did in th'oshpickal that time an'a nearly blew it up. D'ya remember that?"

"I do! ......... Vanda, I know you're busy pet, but can you come to my office and escort Mr Nibbleswick off the premises. We don't want him wandering round all over everywhere and stinking the place out, now do we?"

"Mishter Nibbleshwick? Yesh of courshe Mish Leekey. I'll be jusht a minute!"

A couple of minutes later the receptionist arrived at Bel's office and, with Bel's trusty Crusty peg on her throbbing nose, she got him off the premises in double quick time!

"Thanksh lash. Ta very muchly!"

"It'sh alright Mishter Nibbleshwick. You'd besht follow me from behind and don't get losht!"

"Reet lash, you lead the way and I'll keep in shtep reet behind ya!"

-oo0oo-

Poor Crusty really does get himself into some scrapes! After he'd been escorted off Bel's work premises, it took him three quarters of an hour to find his car on the shopping centre sized car park, and then got stuck in the traffic jam going in and out of the industrial estate as the shifts were changing.

On hearing her trucks and other vehicles honking at the front, Bel had watched him from her office window going round and round in circles over the one-way system, the wrong way, and causing absolute mayhem. It was him that had caused the traffic jam! The truckers were not best pleased with him, and they taught him quite a few new hand and finger signals that Crusty had never seen before!

Then, halfway home, he ran out of petrol and had to scamper off trying to find a petrol station. He walked the same way the car was pointing and the next filling station was three miles away. If he'd turned and gone back on himself he'd have realised that he'd just passed one a hundred yards back up the road.

Poor bugger!

Anyway he eventually got home but called at the chip shop first for his tea!

"Shteak and kidney pudding, chipsh and mushy peysh pleashe luv!"

He took them home wearily, resenting having to pay out for food when he had some in, but he was too knackered to be bothered opening a tin. Miserably, he sat at his scummy kitchen table eating out of the newspaper. That was one of his cunning plans to avoid washing up! He'd just finished slurping the mushy peas, which he'd tipped into his mouth straight from the carton, when his phone rang.

"Hello who'sh that shpeaking and wot d'ya want me for? I were jusht aytein' me tay when't phone rang sho I've nor'a clue who y'are, burrave gor'a shneaking feelin' that thish ish Crushty Nibbleshwick shpeaking, burrall check in't mirror!"

He put the phone down on its side and plodded over to his Mel Gibson mirror and looked, tutted, then went upstairs to look in his bathroom mirror, and plodded back again passing the tiger rug on his way down.

He picked up the phone again.

"Hello, yesh thish ish definitely Crushty. Wot d'ya want me for?"

"Have you quite finished buggering about?"

"Oh, hiya Bel. Ish that you?"

"No, it's Queen Elizabeth the Second!"
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28-02-2012, 01:22 AM
10

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

He started curtseying, bowing and scraping.

"Oh, how do yer Majeshty! How can Crushty Nibbleshwick be of ashishtansh to you thish evening?

She rolled up her eyes.

"Shaddap and listen for a bluddy change, ya daft owd dimwit! Neh then, I want ya to be ready to be picked up from the Loaf About at half past one tomorrow. We're goin' someweer!"

"Oh, it ish you Bel! Burra finish at one Bel. Wockle I do for half an hour?"

"Get summat ayte. That'll pass time on!"

"Okay Bel. Weer are we goin'?"

"It's a surprise. How's yer snout?"

"Oh, it'sh not sho bad now, bur'it shtill hurtsh and throbsh a bit!"

"Good. See ya tomorrer!"

-oo0oo-

At one thirty the next day Bel came jingling into the cafe and spotted Crusty straight away, sat on his own (naturally) in a corner with the owd black jacket festooned around his shoulders and a mopped clean plate in front of him.

"Come on wi' ya. Off we go!"

"Just coming Bel."

W h o o s h!

Zoooooom
!

"Weer's yer car Bel? Which have ya come in? Weer are we goin'? Worra ya buying me this time Bel?"

"No car today. I haven't come in one. I'm not tellin' ya, and I'm buying ya nowt! Have I answered all yer questions?"

"Yis Bel, but how have ya gor'ere if ya've not come in a car?"

"Taxi! Well let's get goin'!"

He lolloped along behind her trying to keep up with her long strides until they reached a bus stop.

"Worra we stoppin' here for Bel?"

"We're catching a bus, that's why!"

"A bus! Yer not gerrin me on a bus Bel!"

The bus arrived just then, before Bel could reply or lamp him one, and the doors swished open. She grabbed hold of the back of his scummy neck and shoved him forward onto the waiting vehicle while he struggled and tripped over the step.

The doors swished closed.

"Weer's yer bus pass Crusty?"

"I've not gor'it wi' me. I didn't know I were goin' on a bus! Lemme off this bus reet now or I'll stamp me feet and fart!"

She punched him one in his cauliflower ear, which by now was the size of a cauliflower, then turned to the driver who was losing patience with them.

"Alreet then, two to Southport please!"

Crusty's eyes lit up and he calmed down. He loved Southport.

She gave the driver the money and they thundered to the back of the bus where Bel pushed Crusty down into a seat, in which he immediately started bouncing.

"Weer's me seat belt? I need a seat belt an'a want me crash helmet! Have we gor'owt t'ayte?"

"Shaddap whingin' ya bluddy owd red-arsed baboon! Shut yer gob till we get there!"


The other passengers shifted uncomfortably in their seats wondering what else these two would do on the long journey to Southport.

"Burrave not browt me colouring book and crayons, or me yoyo! Wockle I do to keep meself quiet?"

"I'll bluddy well gag ya in a minute if ya don't shurrup!"

"Why are we goin't Southport on't bus Bel? Why aren't we goin' in one o' yer cars?"

"Because I'm goin't get summat in Southport that we'll be driving back with!!"


He was quiet for about thirty seconds and sat twiddling his thumbs and making squelching noises with his feet.

"I want to go upsteers Bel. Can we go upsteers?"

"No we can't. Sit still and shurrup!"

"Burra want to look outside from upsteers. We'll see more from up theer and thackle keep me quiet!!"

"Alreet then. Come on!"


They got up, pounded up the full length of the bus again making it rattle, and climbed the stairs. They were the only people up there and Crusty started whooshing about from one end to the other, putting the driver off his concentration.

They both sat down on one side of the bus for a minute and the driver detected a definite tilt to that side.

Suddenly he heard a terrible commotion from upstairs, like someone running around again and being slapped about, with a voice bellowing.

"If ya don't sit ya dehn now I'll shove a red hot prater up yer arse!! Thackle make yer bluddy eyes water!"

"Well if ya do I'll only fart it out again!"

Thwack!!

Sulk!


The other passengers downstairs waited for more but it didn't come. After that there was a peaceful trip to Southport.

Once the bus pulled into the bus station they alighted, and Bel started to stride up the road until they came to a bike shop.

"Ah, good afternoon Miss Leekey. Have you come to collect your bike?"

"I have that lad. Is it all ready for me? I'm looking forward to riding it home."

"Yes ma'am. I'll just get someone to wheel it out to the front for you then it's all yours. We've carried out the special modifications and put extra strength in the frame and wheels as requested. There's not a lot of call for these bikes, these days. Do enjoy yourself riding it, won't you?"

"Thanks very much. Come on Crusty."

"Weer are we goin' now then Bel?"

"Wom!"

"But we've only just gor'ere. Can we not go to the fairground and ger'a hot dog or a burger or summat? Am bluddy hungry!"

"No we can't. I've got to get me bike back home an'a need you to help me!"

He started to get worried.

"Is it a new motor bike yer gerrin then Bel, only I've not got me crash helmet wi' me?"

"No, it's nor'a motor bike. It's a bicycle!"

"Havva got to walk all't way wom while you ride yer bike then?"

She didn't answer him, but she did have a big grin on her face.

"Is this another punishment Bel? I'm all punishmented out!"

They walked outside of the shop onto the road where there was a gleaming, brand new bicycle.

It was a tandem!

"Reet lad, you ger'on't back an' I'll ger'on't front and we'll get goin'. It'll tek us a few hours't get wom on this!"

"But Bel!"

"But nowt - ger'on!"


© Mollie M
26.03.03
 
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