Re: The real cause of depression
I've always been a 'bottler upper' and suffered with the goblins in the past. Dark places at the time with overwhelming feelings of being trapped and worthless, stuck in blackness.
Early 20s after the break up of my first marriage and ongoing stuff in the family, it all got too much. I regularly self harmed slashing needles down my arms. TBH it started when I was about 12, the self harming. Deliberately cutting my fingers on opened tins destined for the bin and needling my arms.
In my 40s in another bad relationship (and the last time I did it) it was a saw not a needle. What a mess thinking back, but the relief doing it was wonderful.
I hid it all and no-one knew. I've never told anyone about this before. The scars can hardly been seen now thankfully.
In the deep low mood in my early 20s, I was put on anti-depressants. I came off them after I couldn't even walk straight, they made me feel drunk. Just cut them out, suffered withdrawal symptoms. I swore I would never get like that again, ever, or take pills. (and it's such a struggle knowing I have to pop thyroid and calcium pills now)
Occasionally I feel low but nothing like before. I tell no-one how I really feel and cut myself off from people for a while. If anyone susses - I say I'm fine and change the subject to something lighthearted.
For me, talking about it makes it worse. It helps too that I live on my own - I don't have to pretend or admit how i feel to anyone.
When I was in 20s low mood, I felt on my own with no-one to talk to, but I couldn't talk, didn't want to talk. Looking back on those times - I think it made me feel I was stronger (or maybe in control) not talking because I viewed talking about it as being weak, if that makes sense. On reflection too, I think it relates to my mother's mental health problems - I didn't want to be classed as suffering problems so I had to appear normal.
(Gosh this place sure makes you think back doesn't it). (I have to go lighthearted midstream now - it's just my way)
I worked and volunteered with people suffering ill health, both mental and physical. I enjoyed it very much. I think that's helped too - concentrating on others. I feel in a good place now. Retiring and living on my own is the best.
I get a bit anxious about stuff and occasionally 'bubble up' with tears out of the blue. Then I know 'Hide Away' time calls.
There are so many people in their very dark places who can't change it, don't know how to begin to, nor have the energy or will to. I really do feel for them. Looking back, I'm grateful mine in comparison have been minor.
(Sorry it's a bit long and jumbled up
)