13-12-2017, 08:51 PM
3862
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
Originally Posted by Robert Jnr.
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A yarn for my buddy's entertainment Trevor is a good neighbour to Frances , next door but one. Though they are both in their late seventies they are still pretty fit and enjoy each others company in a purely platonic way.
Bridge, Whist, Line Dancing & swimming are just few of the activities they take part in.
Sadly , just lately cracks have appeared in this seemingly idyllic arrangement . Trevor has had a hot tub installed in his large conservatory and has taken to sitting in the tub for hours on end completely naked, despite his calls for Frances to join him she has found the dynamics of their relationship changed. It wasn’t in her nature to take part in anything so , well frankly, improper.
Worse, Frances had developed severe hypochondria, not a terminal condition but nevertheless disabling. Trevor was now spending lots of time taking Frances to the doctor, the nurse & the chemist, even on one or two occasions the A & E department.
“For goodness sake Frances ,you must rid yourself of all these worries” Trevor advised, nodding sagely . Encouraged by her smile he went on.
“You are more likely to get knocked down by a number 9 bus”.
Too late to engage brain, the damage had been done. They lived on a number 9 bus route.
It was two days ago when he rang to say that he was so frustrated by the situation, but could not think of how to help her.
“Best get it over with Trevor” I said.
“Push her in front of the next number 9 bus, she’ll be ever so grateful & won’t suffer”
“Thanks Robert” he said & put the phone down.
He knew I was just kidding, didn’t he?
13-12-2017, 08:52 PM
3863
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
Originally Posted by Jem
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I enjoyed that tale RJ.The son was telling me he sent away for a “Solar’ keyboard, don’t ask me how it’s supposed to work in Ireland, if ever the expression “I hope it keeps fine for you” was appropriate this is one of them.
13-12-2017, 09:30 PM
3864
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
The Banana Watch (mark 1)
Forget about the limited functions of the Apple watch this Christmas.
Introducing the brand new “Banana Watch” not seen on TV and only from Jem’s Jewels
Let me just list a few of the amazing features of the Banana watch.
(1) Powered by the electricity of your own body so it never stops or needs batteries (Barring you don’t drop dead, but then you wouldn’t need it)
(2) Tells the time/date/weather/ racing results when you ask it by voice recognition.
(3) Tells your body temperature, heart rate, and how many calories you have consumed in the last 24 hours.
(4) Three sharp bleeps warns of ‘surprise visits’ from unwanted relatives.
(5) If in a strange town it tells you where the best pub is located.
(6) Wakes you up with a loud shrill anytime you want to, just state wakeup time before you take your afternoon nap.
(7) Comes with 100 tiny electrically charged paper stickers to attach to items like keys, specs, pipe, wife, dog etc., so it will find them for you when you need them.
(8) When in a strange eatery, a tiny green light flashes just after you have swallowed the first morsel of food to indicate that it’s safe to eat. (food poisoning is on the increase)
(9) A tiny red light flashes if it detects unpleasant body odour, (there is a lot of this in the pubs now, especially with the heat on full blast in this weather, whereas the smoking used to mask all that) just ask the watch is it close to you or is it you, if it’s you it politely tells you to go home and have a shower.
(10) A tiny amber light flashes if a fart is on it’s way, giving you plenty of time to head for the toilet.
(11) Can send a microwave beam to the wife’s vocal cords to shut her up at will.
Excellent watch and great value at 150 euros plus vat.
14-12-2017, 12:54 PM
3865
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
Sorry lads, it is my painful duty to inform you that all the banana watches are gone, and once they’re gone they’re gone, yes we have no bananas today, sold the last one to a vicar from Carlow this morning.Dispair not, I have already ordered a large quantity of the improved ‘Mark 2’ version for next Christmas so get in early.
14-12-2017, 05:05 PM
3869
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
I agree the Orange MKIII has some very fine features Gummy, but the led signal lights are inclined to fail, indeed some poor unfortunate chaps have been known to shit themselves in public when the amber fart light failed, another owner of a MKIII told me the bleeper failed and he was stuck with unwanted relatives for a whole week, couldn’t get shut of them.
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