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02-02-2012, 01:19 AM
281

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Oooh deary me....he's in for it now...but really Bel should know better as he always gets his words wrong, so wonder where he really is from! I'm so glad I wasn't sat next to him on the big plane though
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02-02-2012, 01:28 AM
282

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Forum went offline as I was posting.

He really is from Mombongo and, to be honest, I thought I'd made that place up, but it does actually exist as you shall see.
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02-02-2012, 02:09 AM
283

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

89

Crusty Gets Lost
(and The Search for Mombongo!)



Once they got back to Wigan, Bel dropped him off in her taxi and unlocked his front door for him as he was too tired to get his new lucky kipper and everything out of his pocket to look for his key.

To my knowledge, and during the telling of these tales, that lucky kipper has never actually brought him any luck that I can remember, but please be assured that he changes it every now and again!!

When it turns to jelly!

Once she'd clod him and his carrier bags into the house she returned to her taxi for home sweet home, where she went to bed and slept for the best part of twelve hours.

Oh, she'd heard her phone ringing a few times alright during those hours, but she knew it was Crusty and refused to answer it. She'd had enough of him and he'd only be babbling about nothing anyway.

When she finally had had enough rest and managed to get out of bed, she decided to write down a list of all the things she was going to have to do to him as they came into her mind.

1) Hang him up by his grungy toes over a tub of boiling oil and gently lower him in, big snout first

2) Cut his tongue out and use it as a draught excluder

3) Slice his arse and crusticles up as once threatened

The following few days saw Bel delving into library books including geography books, reference books, world atlases and any other means at her disposal to find the island of Mombongo, anywhere on the planet, but she drew a complete blank.

There was no island called Mombongo!

"Where the bluddy hell is he from then, the festering old pigmy?"

She picked up the phone and dialled Crusty's number, trying to calm herself down before he answered.

"Hello, this is Crusty's phone so this must be Crusty speaking, but I'll check if ya can hang on a ............!"

"Hello dear, can I speak to Mister Crusty please?"

That stumped him. She could almost hear his brain cell whirring and clicking trying to work out the question.

"This is Crusty's phone!"

"Then may I speak with him please?"

"This is Crusty speaking!"

"That's better ya daft old dipstick. Why didn't ya just say that in the first place?"

"Oh hiya Bel. It's nice to hear from ya again. Have ya got warm yet?"

"I'll bluddy warm you. Now listen Crusty I want to get to the bottom of the Island of Mombongo and ......"

"The bottom Bel? Have ya found it? Have ya found me island? We lived at the top, not at the bottom!"

"SHADDAP! I want you over at my house - NOW!!"

"Okay Bel. I'll have to ger'a bus so I'll be there as quick as I can!"

"A bus?"

Of course, he'd no car now as he'd written what little there was left of his old one off on its introduction to the juggernaut.

"Alright Crusty. Just get here as soon as ya can. I want to have a little chat with you about the Sandwich Islands!"

"Okay Bel. Wot bus do I get?"

She hung up the phone and he blanched and started quaking again. Was this going to be the time of the great pasting?

He set off on yet another intrepid journey and started hunting around for a bus. He spotted one coming at the end of the street so lolloped after it as fast he could, just managing to get there on time, but he didn't bother to read its destination on the front.

Oh, oh!

He showed his bus pass to the driver then took a seat by the window and the driver so he could watch all the cars go whizzing by. The bus stopped many times so that people could get on and off and the driver had noticed that Crusty hadn't moved in over an hour.

"Where is it yer goin' old lad? Are ya sure yer on the right bus?"

"Dunno! Why? How many buses are there?"

He arrived at Bel's house three and a half hours later looking totally dejected. He'd got on a bus which had taken him to Manchester and surrounding district, and the driver had only tackled him about it once they were in the bandit area of Moss Side.

Daft old dipstick!

In a car Crusty could always manage to get to where he wanted to go, eventually, but he was completely lost on a bus as he'd never really had occasion to use one in over forty years. Anyway, on its return journey, the bus brought him back into Wigan Centre and the driver made sure he got on the one that would take him to his Bel.

He was wearing some of the new clothes that Bel had bought him and he smelled like a human being today.

Thump, thump, thump, rrrring!

The door was opened immediately and Bel stood there, teeth grinning like a killer shark and her eyes had turned to slits. She reached out both massive open hands in greeting and hauled him in by the throat, which is something she hadn't done in ages. While she had him six inches off the floor throttling him, she noticed that he looked like he'd been through a car wash - he was so clean!

"Where've ya been? It's been hours since I phoned ya!"

Throttle, throttle.

"Sorry Bel. I gor'on't wrong bus and ended up in Moss Side! I'm not used to buses Bel and I've not got me lickle car any more!"

Choke, choke.

"MOSS SIDE! That's bluddy Manchester ya daft old bugger."

"Wossup Bel? Is it time for me pasting yet only I've been waiting for ya to ring me to let me know?"

S q u e e z e!

"Not yet. Ya can stew a bit longer! Follow me, pea brain!"

She dropped him back on the floor then.

"Mmmm, stew and peas! I'm bluddy hung ........."

"SHADDAP and follow me!"

She led him into her study, one of the rooms Crusty had never been in before as she'd threatened him with a very painful death if he ever entered her office. He stared around but she grabbed him, shoved him into a chair and told him to sit still and be quiet.
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02-02-2012, 02:13 AM
284

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

She picked up her pen and notepad.

4) Shove a red hot poker up his arse

"I didn't know you had one o' them computer things Bel!"

She ignored him and switched it on.

"Right. I don't care how long it takes, but we're going to find out where you come from, and yer gerrin no grub until we find it, even if it takes days!"

"But Bel ........!"

She glared at him so he closed his mouth.

"Okay Bel!"

"Right! We're going to write down all we know about yer island. We know it's hot, we know there are people living there, we know there's banana trees, coconut trees, and I remember ya saying there were lime trees as well. I'll just enter all that information in."

Sadly, he stuck his thumb in his mouth and started trembling. While he watched with interest, her fingers flew over the keys as she typed the data into the new computer programme she'd bought the day before and installed it. It was a geographical geophysical map of the world, and she was determined to find out more about the Crusty.

"Okay that's in now. Now then, ya said there were some old crocodiles running round. Were there anything else? Pigs, monkeys, anything like that?"

"Oh aye there were a lot's o' lickle monkeys scampering about and we had fishes as well!"

"Wot sort o' fish?"

"Well they were about twelve inch long, blue coloured, they'd got fins and funny lickle eyes and they swim about in water Bel!"

She rolled up her eyes.

"Reet wor'else!"

"I don't know wot it is ya want know Bel. The tribesmen wore feathers!"

"Okay we'll enter thar'in as well. Now Crusty think! Think hard. Wot was the name of yer island? Why did ya think it was part of the Sandwich Islands which just happen to be covered in about thirty miles of bluddy ice? We'll not forget that little trip in a hurry!"

"Me island's name was Mombongo. I've told ya that!"

"There's no such place as bluddy Mombongo!! Think again!"

"Well I think it were something to do wi' food. Now don't rush me Bel, ickle come to me."

Her mouth gaped open at him with incredulity.

"Don't rush ya? Ya've had sixty eight years to think about it and I'm not hanging about for another sixty bluddy years! Now think, ya bog brained old lavvy bag!"

"Okay Bel, I'm doing me bestest!"

5) Shove his head down his scummy lav and flush it

"Well, while yer thinking I'll just be processing this and get a computation analysis of all probabilities then do a short list of all remaining possibilities, and then we can go over it, alright lad!"

"Er, aye, okay then Bel. Wor'ever ya say Bel!"

He hadn't understood one word of that!

"If I don't get to the bottom o' this I'll ayte Pompeii!"

His ears pricked up again.

"Wot does a Pompeii taste like Bel? Will ya cook me some? Is it like a pumpkin?"

"You're a bluddy pumpkin. Shaddap and think!"

"Okay Bel."

He thunk!

Fair play to him though, Crusty's brow was creased like a concertina in concentration and his piggy little eyes were closed tight shut. He was taking himself back to that time long, long ago when he did his tribal rituals and tried hard to remember where it was he came from. It was something to do with butties, or barm cakes or sandwiches, bread, something like that. It was definitely something that reminded him of food, which probably makes up half the English language for Crusty! Three hours he was like that, belly rumbling away, doing his best to bring to mind all those long-ago memories of a happy time when he was a little boy.

All of a sudden he jumped out of his chair and whooshed around the office making papers fly all over the place.

"Wossup old lad!"

Whoosh, screech!!

"Bel, Bel, I've gor'it. I've remembered, honest I have Bel. It wasn't the "sandwich" bit I should've remembered but the meyt that went on it."

"Meyt, wot meyt? Worra ya babbling on about, ya red-arsed monkey?"


His eyes shone brightly and he was dashing about all over her office knocking chairs over and the waste paper bin went over as well spreading rubbish all over her carpet.

"Tongue Bel!"

"Tongue? Wot are ya on about now ya dim-witted old sod?"

"It was Tonga! Tung butties, but, nor'only that Bel, I've even remembered the lickle island I lived on. That's why I've gor'a long tung 'cos I come from Tonga Bel. It's all come back to me now! Me tung should've reminded me all along, bur'it didn't. Canna 'ave some grub now Bel. Am bluddy hungry"

He knew that at some stage he was going to get into deep water over this. He knew it was naughty to tell porkies, but he was bluddy hungry and he'd just thought something up to hurry things along.

"No, ya bluddy well can't have any grub. Come here!"

He was still screaming round the room so Bel got up and grabbed him in mid-whoosh and sat him down again.

"Right! Siddown! Now we're gettin' somewhere and Tonga sounds more like it. Wor'else d'ya remember, and calm down!"

"Oh Bel, I am so very, very sorry. I know how much trouble ya went through to try to take me back home, and ya must've spent millions of pounds, including me new clobber. I most certainly do deserve a bluddy good pasting for all the bother I've put ya through! Am hungry!"

She tutted.

"I didn't spend millions ya daft old dingbat, burra did spend a good few thousand only to find meself next door to the South bluddy Pole. Come on now, we'll think about yer punishments later, but for now I need as much information off you that I can get. Hang on. I've got to jot something else down."

6) Shove him in the deep freezer for a week. He'll feel at home with the frozen vegetables
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02-02-2012, 02:17 AM
285

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"Okay, thanks Bel. Am nor'a very good reader or writer Bel, but as I remembers it we lived on a lickle titchy island and you were right Bel, it is in the Specific Ocean. I don't know how ya spells it, bur'it's got something to do wi' a loaf in it."

He cringed knowing he was getting himself deeper into trouble.

"A loaf? I might've guessed!"

"Yeh, that's where I got Sandwich Islands from. Me island was summat 'loaf' and the group was Tonga, so I thought if I remembered tung butties I'd remember where I came from, bur'it all went wrong in me brain cell and it came out as Sandwich Islands. Am sorry Bel! Let's go eat now!"

"Summat with a loaf in it? Alright lad we'll feed thar'in as well and then we can zoom in and get a picture of Tonga. Aren't they called the Friendly Islands?"

"Oh aye, we were all proper friendly Bel! I could just ayte a butty!"

Again her fingers flew over the keyboard and in a flash there was a picture of Eastern Australia, and to the east there was New Zealand where she saw Cook Island, then east on the map again and south and there it was, the Friendly Islands - Tonga, Fiji and Samoa.

There were indeed some extremely tiny islands, barely big enough to get Bel on, by herself, but with the aid of her specs and a magnifying glass she found what she'd been looking for.

"Here it is Crusty bur'it's only a little titchy place. Well done lad. Will this be it - Nuku'alofa?"

Oh, oh!

"Er .... yeh .... thackle be it Bel. Nooky and a loafa!"

"Yer a gormless, gallopin', gobsh!te! Wot are ya?"

"Am a gormless, gawpin', gallopin', stupid, farty-faced, turdy-arsed owd gobsh!te Bel. That's worra yam, an'am daft as well! Do I get some grub now?"

"No! It says here Crusty that there's breadfruit on these islands. Do ya remember breadfruit?"

"Course I do. Me mam used to make barm cakes out of it for me shoulder pads for me!"

"Come and look at the map Crusty. See! That's Eastern Australia, and there's Cook Island. Can ya see it old lad with yer piggy little eyes?"

"Yes Bel, I can see! Everything'll be a lot clearer though after I've eaten!"

"Then ya've got New Zealand here in the middle and ......."

"I could just eat some lamb with a bit o' mint sauce!"

"Shurrup a minute! Look Crusty, there's Baker Island as well. It's no bluddy wonder yer always after food!"

He started tittering, but it was mainly because he'd become very nervous. He didn't know there really was a place with a "loaf" in it.

"Yeh, if I came from so close to New Zealand lamb, Cook Island, Baker Island, Tonga and Nooky and a Loafa, it is no bluddy wonder Bel!! Now we know why I'm always bluddy hungry! Can we eat now please Bel?"

They sat there snickering their heads off and then Bel stopped suddenly!

"Hang on a minute though. Where the bluddy hell did ya get Mombongo from then?"

His shoulders hunched over then and the tears started rolling down his face. He waited for a mini pasting which he also knew he deserved. He had to make something up and quick.

"Ya wants to know about Mombongo Bel? I were hoping ya wouldn't ask me that 'cos I've remembered about Mombongo as well!"

"Course I want to know. Its bluddy Mombongo and the Sandwich Islands that gor'us in this mess in the first place. I mean, ya couldn't have made a name like that up!"

"No I didn't Bel."

"Well then, I'm waiting?"

"I've gor'a funny feeling that I'm adding extra pastings to yer list Bel."

"Why? Wot've ya done this time?"

"Promise ya won't hit me Bel!"

"I can't! It just depends on wor'it is!"

He sighed, resigned himself that he was going to get another punch then took a deep breath and spoke quietly.

"Mombongo was me granny's name Bel!"

He jumped out of his chair and tried to scuttle off through the door, never to be seen again, but she caught him, as she always does and dragged him back.

"Yer bluddy granny's .........!!"

Crack!

"Bur'it ........."

Slap!

"But I'll ........"

Punch!

"Burram ........"

Crunch!

She left him in another crumpled heap on the carpet with stars whizzing around his head.

7) Tie him up with masking tape, tape his mouth up, sit him in a chair and make him watch her eat for three days

All that travelling and all that money only to find themselves in the Antarctic Basin in the frozen wastes of the one part of the planet that God had forgotten to finish off, when they could have been basking on a tropical, sun-drenched island paradise a few hundred miles off the coast of New Zealand!

Mom-bluddy-bongo!

He was going to pay for this, and he would have to pay dearly this time.

© Mollie M
08.10.02
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03-02-2012, 01:37 AM
286

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Another good read Mollie, Crusty's done it again!!
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03-02-2012, 01:41 AM
287

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Yep, he just never learns, does he?
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03-02-2012, 11:51 PM
288

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

90

Crusty Goes to Toyland!
(and Meets Mr Plod the Policeman?)


They were well into the New Year again now and Crusty was over the moon that Bel had managed to trace his roots at long last. He knew full well where he came from and for Crusty, who never knows where he's been or where he's going to, had at least one thing he could now rely on.

He'd convinced his Bel that he was from Tonga!

Despite the thousands she'd spent and the aggravation he'd caused her, Bel wrote off the whole sorry episode to experience and had postponed his pasting for now, and had named the expedition Crusty's Antarctic Crossing Adventure (CACA)!

That was something else he was thrilled about, as he'd expected to be battered to within an inch of his life, and he'd known full well that he would have deserved it, with knobs on! Fancy thinking he'd been born on one of the Sandwich Islands where it was so cold that even the icicles had icicles!

He'd decided that when the time of the great pasting came, he'd stuff newspapers down his trousers, a Mirror at the back and a Wigan Observer for extra thickness to protect his crusticles at the front, and then some more up the front and back of his shirt so that the blows were cushioned and the bruises kept to a minimum.

Wor'a bluddy shame!

He knew he'd been bad, so decided to keep his head down and keep a low profile so that he wouldn't make her angry again. In the end she'd laughed about the whole thing. The way Bel saw it was, that if it hadn't been for his stupidity she'd never have had the experience of going so far south and visiting those isolated little islands which, in their own way, had been exceptionally beautiful, and she'd never again in her life get so close to the Glacial Basin.

It had almost looked like the landscape of some deserted ice planet in the outer reaches of another galaxy, and Bel marvelled at how different some of the parts of our world are and what makes this earth so unique.

Crusty was back at his job in the Loaf About, and Faggie, Aggie and Maggie had asked him where he'd ended up on his jaunt with Bel over Christmas.

"Oh, well it weren't quite wot we were expectin' really. I'd told Bel tharra come from Mombongo in the Sandwich Islands but, when we got theer, there was no such place and the Sandwich Islands aren't far off the South Pole so it were bluddy freezin' cowd and there were only a few owd reindeers and seals theer!"

"Mom-bluddy-bongo!! Ya daft looking bugger!" they'd chorused, tittering.

"Aye! I ended up tellin' Bel that Mombongo were me granny's name, bur'it's not true!"

All three of them opened their toothless mouths wide revealing mushy digestive biscuit, and started cackling so much they were spitting it everywhere. Their teeth had a good grin in their saucers as well.

He hadn't had the sense to just say they'd had a nice time in Mexico, and the following morning Crusty was treated to their own little rendition of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer.

After they'd finished their biscuits at the cafe that day, the three of them had gone round to Aggie's and wrote some very special words for a very special person.

They were all sat at their usual table when he scuttled in through the doors the following morning, a force nine gale howling up his jacksy, and once he'd thrown his jacket in the back, donned his pinny and grabbed his pen and pad, they started on him straight away.

Crusty the big nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny arse
And on his yed ya'll find that
The hairs are very, very sparse

All of the other reindeers
Used to laugh and call him names
He's the only red arsed reindeer
That serves us three owd nasty dames

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Crusty with your arse so bright
Don't you fart on me tonight

Then all the reindeers shoved him
And they shouted out with glee
Crusty the red arsed reindeer
Always stinks o' crap and pee!


Poor old Crusty!

They'd stood in a line in the middle of the cafe singing to him, kicking their legs up and lifting their skirts showing their ninety denier stocking tops and corsets, their little ankle-high suede front zipper boots looking ludicrous on the ends of their skinny little legs.

Who could imagine that three nice old ladies in their late sixties would do something so nasty to the young sixty-eight year old junior waiter that scuttled round after them and catered to their every whim?

It wasn't fair. What had he ever done to them to deserve this, apart from grumphing and hanching and farting and ponging? Everybody in the cafe was in fits laughing and poor Crusty had just stood there listening with his thumb in his mouth. It had taken some time thinking up the words for that, and Crusty didn't know why he was the butt of so many jokes.

It had been the same with the menu that time. Somebody had taken the time, effort and trouble to make up a whole new set of made up meals for everybody to laugh at, at his expense. Why did they bother? Thinking about it, it was probably Faggie, Aggie and Maggie that had done that as well. They'd plenty of time on their hands.

He decided not to tell his Bel about the reindeer song as it would blow over eventually and they'd be back to normal again.

It was all his own fault though. When he'd first gone to that cafe for his interview he'd asked for a Jimmy Riddle instead of Jim Riddell, if you remember, and it was that that started everybody off in the first place.

The customers of the Loaf About had long memories!

Things were getting a little difficult now though for him because he had no car, and he was constantly getting on the wrong bus to go places. This ended up with Bel shouting at him and telling him to get a timetable. That was until it dawned on her that it was like telling a five year old to do that, so there was only one thing for it.

Crusty couldn't afford another car. The old Larda had been just about hanging together with threads of rust so it had only been a matter of time before it failed its MOT for the last time and he would have had to scrap it anyway. As things worked out, the juggernaut did that for him!

One Sunday morning, while Bel had taken herself off on a drive, she spotted a car showroom so decided to pull in to see what they had. On seeing the flash Jag approach, the two nice young salesmen on duty polished their shoes on the backs of their trousers, checked their fingernails, slicked back their hair and put big smiles on their faces.

Bel saw what they were doing.

As you know, our Crustabel isn't easily impressed and, as she got out of the car, they both lolloped over to her at breakneck speed to see which one of them reached her first. The name on his tag said Gareth and he made it first by a short head and a long nose. Funny looking bugger he was. He favvered Concord!

"Good morning madam! Can I be of assistance to you today?" he beamed.

"Yeh, ya can naff off for now and let me look round on me own for a bit. I'll let ya know when I want some assistance!"

Gareth jumped and his smile faded, but he stood back and allowed her to mooch about, keeping a sharp eye on her just in case he was needed.

She was looking at this car and that car for about half an hour and then she spotted one that was absolutely perfect. The passenger door was unlocked so she opened it up and stuck her head in to see what the inside looked like and, on doing so, popped the boot to have a look at the engine.
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03-02-2012, 11:56 PM
289

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"Gareth!"

Whoosh!

"Yes madam. May I help you now?"

"Yes. I want to buy this little owd car here. I've looked at th'engine and it's not too bad, burra can give it a good tuning and do summat wi' it. I know it's a green one and it's an owd 'un but there's one or two modifications I want doing, and then I want you to deliver it to this address next Wednesday! D'ya think ya can manage that without making a mess of it?"

He took the piece of paper from her and studied it closely.

"Of course madam! What are the modifications though?"

She handed him another piece of paper on which she'd written her special instructions and as he read them his face turned pale.

"But madam! Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Ger'it done, or I'll go somewhere else! In any case, that's not my address as I live in a much better area than that! I'm buying the car for someone as a belated Christmas prezzie!"

"Very good madam. This will naturally add to the cost by about five hundred pounds!"

She glared at him.

"Aye alreet. It'll cost that for the re-spray at least! Now go on with you, shoo! Go away while I have another look. I might want to buy another car yet! I like buying cars as it's a hobby of mine! I'll see you in the office in a few minutes so I can pay for this one!"

The salesman tactfully withdrew and ran to his mate to show him what Bel had written down. The other salesman went into bulk laughing. He thought it was funny, but Gareth was horrified!

Once all the details had been finalised and the final cost had been totted up, Bel wrote out a cheque and paid for the car.

"Reet, neh I want ya't ring me when all me instructions have been carried out, here's the number, and I'll nip back to check it out first before it's delivered and it'd better be reet!"

With her voice still ringing in their ears she then headed back for home.

The car was to be delivered at two o'clock sharp on Wednesday. Not a moment before, nor a moment after. This had to be arranged with military precision.

The following evening Bel had promised to take Crusty to the Club for a game of bingo again, so she picked him up in her Escort at his scabby little house at eight.

"Ya know Bel, I'd sooner go riding in yer Jag. It's proper comfy, but yer Volvo and this Escort aren't so bad really. At least you've gor'a car. Tha's getten three tharra know of. Have ya gor'any more that ya don't want?"

She'd been waiting for this for a good while now and she knew just how to answer him.

"Aye, well. We're not goin't bingo in't Jag and the Volvo's too big, so this little Escort's just the job for nipping about in. I've gor'a big Land Rover as well. Ya should get yerself another little runabout Crusty. A little owd second hand one'd do for you! I'd do the engine up for you, ya know that!"

"Burrave no money Bel. I cawn't afford it, bur'at least I've getten me bus pass an'a can go anywhere wi' that without paying."

"I know lad but ya keeps gerrin on't wrong bus. One o' these days ya'll end up in bluddy Scotland or somewhere while yer trying to get to Morrison's! I'm only glad ya never set off on yer own and tried to find Mombongo. Ya could've ended up in Outer bluddy Mongolia! Then where would you have been?"

"Outer bluddy Mongolia Bel?"

They got to the Club and walked through the door. Nobody called Crusty names anymore when Bel was with him. The last time that had happened was when a couple of lads had been playing snooker and they made some comment like "hey up, owd smelly arse is here" or something like that.

Bel had taken Crusty through to the Concert Room and put him in a chair, then returned to the Games Room and, without a word, had turned the snooker table right over, green baize to the floor, so they couldn't play.

They don't call her Crustabel the Mighty for nothing!

It had taken sixteen of them to turn it upright again, but it was out of balance so they couldn't play until the following week.

That had taken the wind out of their sails!

Of course, the Club had billed her for that but she wasn't bothered. She'd got retribution for her little Crustykins and he'd no idea what she'd done. He'd just thought she'd gone to get them some drinks!

She sat down and put a pint of bitter in front of him and they chatted before the bingo started.

"Reet lad, worra ya doin' on Wednesday afternoon after work?"

"Wednesday Bel? Neh let me think! Am not sure!"

"Oh well please feel free to consult your busy social calendar. Worra ya doing on Wednesday after work y'owd duffer?"

"Nowt Bel. Is there summat ya wanted me for?"

"Well I thought I'd come round and we could play a game of tiddlywinks or summat!"

Tiddlywinks? His Bel never played tiddlywinks!

"If ya wants a game o' tiddlywiddlywinks Bel then that's wot we'll do. Are ya feeling alright?"

"Never felt better in me life!"

On Tuesday morning her mobile rang while she was at work. It was the showroom where she'd purchased the little car on Sunday and they were letting her know that her instructions had been carried out. She cleared what she was doing then jumped into the Volvo and made her way there, which only took her half an hour or so.

Gareth showed her to the funny little car and when she saw what had been done to it she curled over laughing. She brayed loudly all around the showroom, bashing people on the back and knocking them over. Her eyes were wet through.

"Why! It's a proper little treat thar'is. Just wait till he sees it. He'll be thrilled to bits!"

"Have you bought it for your grand son, madam?"

"No, I've bought it for Crusty. He's sixty-eight an'a can't wait to see him bombing about in this!"

Gareth's gob dropped open.

"You've bought this for a sixty-eight year old man to go bombing about in? I don't believe it!"

"Well ya'd better 'cos it's true! You don't know him but I do. A smellier little bag o' sh!t ya never could meet even if ya spent a week down a bluddy sewer!"

She threw her head back and gave out a gargantuan bellow, then slapped the salesman on the back. Luckily, he didn't quite fall over, but teetered around for a moment on wobbly legs before he regained his balance.

The salesman felt awful. He'd no idea this was going to make someone look daft, but he'd no choice. She was the customer and the customer is always right.

Especially when the customer is Bel!!

"Right lad. Ta very much. Neh lissen. When ya delivers it on Wednesday I want it to be wrapped up in some nice gift paper and have a big blue bow wrapped round it. Can ya do thar'as well lad?"

"But of course madam. Whatever you say, but we'll have to wrap it once it's delivered. Can you keep the new owner out of the way so it doesn't spoil the surprise?"

"Oh, you leave that with me. Now don't forget, I'll fetch the festerin' little bag o' nast out at ten past two exactly and ya'd best be gone when I do!"

Fearing what she might do to him he nodded his head wildly. He wanted to be gone as well when they came out.

-oo0oo-

Bel left the salesroom and chuckled her head off all the way back to town where she stopped off and bought some board games including tiddlywinks, snakes and ladders and a couple of others. This was the way she was going to keep him occupied and quiet.

She spent the rest of the day humming to herself and every now and then she'd snigger at the thought of Crusty's face when he saw his new toys. Then she'd burst out laughing. Bel was a very wealthy woman and could afford to play expensive practical jokes if that was what took her fancy and this most certainly did!

Because Crusty had sent her on a wild goose chase down to the Antarctic she'd devised many ways of punishing him, but this was much better. It wasn't a punishment as such because he wouldn't see the wickedness in what she'd done, but it would only be a matter of time before he realised.

The next day Crusty got home at quarter past one and did a quick flick round with a feather duster knowing that his Bel had eyes like a hawk and would detect any signs of nast. He'd made a start the day before after she'd said she was coming on Wednesday afternoon and, although it wasn't exactly spick and span, it was presentable and he'd remembered to clean his lav for a change.

He'd just put on a nice record, and the kettle to make them both a brew, when she knocked on his front door then used her key to let herself in, giving him time to cover up if he was running around in just his trollies again.

"Weer are ya Crusty? It's your Bel come a-caaaalling!"

She was having a most enjoyable time and loved taking the Mickey out of him, even if he didn't know she was doing it.

"I'm in me lickle kitchen Bel. Come through - I've made a brew!"

"Ya likes yer poetry don't ya, ya daft owd dipstick?"

"I do that Bel. It's a shame tharram nor'a good reader otherwise I'd get some books on it burrave only got me map book, me book on fly fishing and me Noddy books!"

"Ne' mind lad. It's better when you're yer own poet - don't ya know it! I'm glad ya likes Noddy though."

Snicker!

"Si' thi' later - my owd prater!"

"Are ya going already Bel? Ya've only just come!"

"No ya daft sod - yer such a clod! I were just saying summat else that rhymes - ya always appear to be behind the times!"

He snickered.

"I know one Bel, I know one. If I had a car - then I'd go far!"

They both sat back tittering their heads off then she produced the board games from a carrier bag she'd brought in. That took the smile off his face. He'd thought it was cram packed with butties, pies and barm cakes.
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Mollie
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Wigan in Lancashire
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Mollie is female  Mollie has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
03-02-2012, 11:59 PM
290

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"Crusty wot's that bluddy horrible music ya've gor'on. It sounds bluddy weel!"

"It's me Micki and Griff LP Bel. I'd forgetten I had it and only found it at the back of me wardrobe this morning. Good in'it?"

"Ger'it off and put summat proper on! Bluddy Micki and Griff. Tha' gets dafter!"

"Okay Bel."

He trundled off and found something more appropriate so that he wouldn't make his Bel angry with him again.

"Reet lad. D'ya know how to play tiddlywinks?"

"But Bel! I thowt ya were only joking. I didn't really think ya wanted to play tiddlywiddlywinks. Why don't we go for a nice drive? Which car have ya come in?"

He was halfway out of his kitchen door when she snatched him back and pushed him into his chair.

"No! We're playing tiddlywinks and ya can bluddy well like it!"

They started playing and Bel kept her eye on her watch. Two o'clock came and she heard a bit of a commotion at the front, but because the battery in Crusty's hearing aid needed replacing again, he heard nothing except the flip, flip of the counters.

She looked at her watch again.

Ten past!

"Reet Crusty. Come on, we're goin' outside!"

"Wot fo'? It's cowd today!"

"Ger'up off yer lazy fat backside and do as yer towd for once without whinging. Come on!"

She took hold of his hand and led him to his front door.

"Neh then, I've gor'a surprise for ya lad. Close yer piggy little eyes for a minute and don't look until I tell ya!"

He started moaning again.

"Oh Bel. Nor'another surprise! We're not goin't South Pole AGAIN are we? It were bluddy cowd theer!"

"Stop whinging y'owd grot bag. Shut yer eyes and see wot God sends ya! If ya don't, I'll lamp ya one!"

He had to do as he was told, hadn't he?

She opened the front door and a few people had gathered around Crusty's surprise, pointing at it and wondering whose birthday it was whilst Bel made him step out, guiding him carefully so that he didn't fall or trip, then once she'd got him positioned just right, she stood him still.

"Reet lad. Ya can open yer eyes now!"

He risked one eye by flirting it open. He was thinking that it might be something that was going to frighten him, like a new bathroom suite, or a shower unit or something, but when he saw the big lump on the road wrapped up in miles of gift wrap and a huge blue bow, the other eye flirted open as well.

His eyes grew as wide as saucers, his tongue came out at full stretch down to his belly, and his eyes started watering with tears of joy.

"Worisit?"

"Get yer bluddy tung back in yer yed! Wot d'ya think it is? I've not bought ya a bluddy elephant and wrapped it up, or a nuclear submarine. Ger'it opened. Go on! Just pull on the end of that pretty blue bow there. Go on!!"

She gave him a shove in the back towards the vehicle.

He bit on his knuckles for a second, tittering; rocked on his ankles, did a little dance, then pulled the blue bow. All the paper fell off revealing a twenty five year old convertible VW Beetle with a soft top, modified especially for the Crusty. Well, no other bugger would drive round in it looking like that, but Crusty was totally ecstatic.

The little crowd of onlookers roared laughing.

Crusty started laughing as well, but for a very different reason and he started zooming around the car looking at it from all angles, as is his usual practise.

"Is it for me to drive Bel?"

"Aye lad, it's for you. D'ya like it?"

"Oh Bel. It's the most beautifullest lickle car I've ever seen. It's even better than your Jag. Canna sit in it? Wot sort is it?"

"It's an owd Volkswagen Beetle, neh go an' put your crash helmet on and then ya can sit in it for a minute while I explain a few things to you!"

He dashed off.

The things that had had everybody in fits were the fact that it was a very old Volkswagen Beetle, but had been re-sprayed in a bright canary yellow. Nothing particularly amusing in that, but when you take into consideration that Bel had had them put the brightest red plastic wheel trims on it they could find, and had ordered the special number plates, then it took on its own sense of fun.

The number plates?

They'd had to be made specially.

N 0DD Y


Also inside, sitting on the back seat, were two life size dolls of Mister Plod the Policeman and Big Ears.

Crusty came scurrying back out again with his crash helmet on and opened the driver's door.

"Reet Bel. Ready for me instructions now!"

He hadn't noticed, but the little crowd of onlookers were peeing themselves laughing at him when he'd appeared wearing his crash helmet, and Bel was silently tittering as well. She turned her back on him for a moment to wipe her eyes.

"Before ya start her up lad, just reach into the glove compartment. There's another surprise for ya!"

He opened it up and found a paper bag which she told him to open and take out what it contained. Well he went crazy. It was a little blue Noddy hat with a little brass bell on the end. It was made of stretch jersey so that he could pull it over his crash hat with ease. It made his head look like it had been pumped up with air, it looked so bulbous under the Noddy hat!

By now, there wasn't a dry eye to be seen, including Bel and everyone was laughing and crying, openly. Talk about extracting the urine, but Crusty didn't care. He had his own little Noddy car that he could drive round in and he had his little mates in the back seat that he could talk to and who would keep him company on his journeys!

"How come ya've got me two dollies as well?"

"Well lad, I thowt if ya had them on't back seat it would look as if you weren't on yer own in yer car when yer driving. Ya hear of all sorts happening to drivers these days, especially when they're on their own. Them robbers could open yer door, pull you out, bash ya o'er't yed and nick yer car!"

"Oh, ta Bel. Ya thinks of everything! They wouldn't hurt me yed though while I'm wearing me crash helmet."

Again Bel looked at him fondly and wondered how he'd ever managed to pass a driving test in the first place.

"Canna tek it for a spin Bel?"

"It's your car owd lad, ya can do wor'ever ya want in it now!"

"Ya bought this car just for me?"

"Well ya don't honestly think I'D drive about in summat like that do ya, ya daft 'apporth!"

"Am nor'an ape Bel. Am a cross between a pig and a monkey which makes me a pigmy, remember?"

"Aye well, wor'ever! Go on and have a drive round't block. I'll wait here for ya lad!"

He started up the engine and put it into first gear. Crunch!!

Off he took slowly, his bulbous head bobbing about until he got the hang of the clutch and the car had stopped kangarooing! It took him ages to get round the block as he was driving the most carefullest he'd ever driven before, he'd said, so that he didn't crash the beautiful present Bel had just bought him.

When he got back he had a huge smile on his porky little chops. He cut the engine and got out, still wearing his Noddy hat!

He was almost crying now.

"Bel, Bel! Worrava done to deserve this. I were expecting a punishment!"

"Thar'is yer punishment ya daft owd dirt bag. Everyweer ya go from now on people will laff at ya for driving round in a bluddy Noddy car and they'll make fun of ya and everything!"
 
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