I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

I had an appointment today with the diabetic sister who was very pleased about how I have reduced my blood glucose readings from an average reading of 17/20 to about 4/7 by meds and my diet changes.
But I was ashamed to admit to her that I have had problems keeping to this for the past 3 weeks though due to feeling very down.
I admit to you here, where you don't really know who I am, that they think I had a bit of a mental breakdown three years ago and i seemed to be getting better, but things haven't been going very well lately and I'm struggling quite a bit mentally, and to make things awkward my chest seems to be getting bad as well which means its difficult doing things I need to do. I haven't seen my CBT therapist for a month as she had been on holiday and I cancelled my last appointment. She had given me some forms to fill in about anxieties and fears I have been having where I am supposed to self examine my thoughts and fears and try to understand why I'm having them, what had caused them and what I could do to conquer them and write it all down. She did go through one constant fear I have and worked through it with me on paper, but trying to do this at home alone is just not working for me, and I'm afraid to tell her as she has told me that if I start to fall backwards again she will have to refer me on for other help and that really scares me. I have got myself into a mess and have started having the odd flashes of dark thoughts again and I'm fighting them as well. Been there don't want to do that again really.
I come here and make my stupid posts and try to pretend I'm behaving normal but this afternoon after the docs appointment I just sat in the car in the carpark and couldn't go home and face everything again. I'm sorry to pour this out but I'm bottling everything up again and don't know what to do next and thought it would be ok to talk here as when I'm alone it all goes bad rapidly. I don't understand how I've let it all go so wrong again and am sliding on this downward spiral. I don't like or want to feel like this but its hard to explain as it feels as if something, someone is in control and its not me pulling the strings. I'm not feeling sorry for myself and i don't want to be a moaning minnie, if anything I'm bloody furious that I've losing control again, but don't know what to do for the best to stop this.

Re: I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

MC, firstly I am so sorry you are not feeling too well at the moment.

My next thought is you seem to be blaming yourself for everything, but please try to see that having depression is NOT your fault.

You say about coming on here and "making stupid posts".
You don't - honestly you don't.
You show you are sensitive and have a sense of humour, and that you care about things. You are NOT stupid at all.

MC, I am not qualified to tell you what is best for you, and I don't want to tell you anything wrongly, but may I say, you need professional help, this is not something you can manage on your own.

What a pity you cancelled your last appointment.
Can you phone them in the morning and ask to see someone a.s.a.p?
Forgive me, but I can't see it being much help sending you away with lots of forms to fill in when you are so down.
You need more than that IMO.

When you get another appointment, be as honest with them as you have been with us here.
In fact, if you have a printer at home, you could even print off what you have written and give it to them to read, show them that is how you are feeling.
It might be easier to explain that way, rather than trying to explain verbally and getting sidetracked by questions.

Even if you feel a little better tomorrow, I believe you should still ring and make that appointment.

Let us know how you get on, and don't give up hope.
Good luck.

Re: I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

If posting on here helps that's a good start.

Re: I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

You're not moaning ... and nor should you feel annoyed with yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself .. It's not your fault ... life and depression just sometimes catch us unawares and gets a grip on us.
I know .. I was in a very dark place many years ago and suffered such black or despairing moods I didn't recognise myself and once things get on top of you it can feel suffocating and hard to resurface back to normality.

Recognising that it is happening is a good thing.. and so is deciding on a firm and positive course on how to tackle it ... and meanwhile don't feed your anxieties by dwelling on the negativity.
First and foremost .. Be kind to yourself.

Re: I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

MC are you taking anti depressants? If you aren't you ought to be.

Have you looked into the mental health organisation called MIND? They have drop in centres where you can go for a bit of company & activities as well as online help.

A brisk walk in the fresh air every day would help lift your spirits and it would be even better if you had a dog to walk with. Get down to the rescue centre and start the ball rolling.

You have to make an effort to help yourself. Start with just one little thing..

You will find support & sympathy on this forum any time you're feeling low..

Re: I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

Be gentle with yourself MC there is no need to be strong all the time. Treat yourself as you would a friend who came to you feeling down. All of us have a facade of normality - whatever that might be - but behind it we may often be feeling afraid alone and anxious.
Make yourself a warm drink milk or something sleep inducing get a good book and go to bed .
Take care now .

Re: I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

I'd fear the future without the right treatment, a future feeling as you do far more than a referral to someone else.

"I cannot offer any advice but I wish you all the best.....now get a grip and tell them how you really feel instead of telling porkies......think of the good times you could have with the right treatment" said in a stern headmaster type of voice.

Re: I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

MC

You are in an awful state at present but stop thinking about you fears and anxieties constantly, that will not make it better

When you are in bed, think about the happy times when you were well and the places you went to that have happy memories for you ,and all the nice things and nice people in your life
Visualize your self better with no problems and if you do this each night it will come true.

Good Luck

Re: I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

you should go back to your Drs and tell them how you are feeling dont let it get any worse ,or you will take longer to get right again .
You need that one to one support and medication to take those black thoughts away or they will take over .

Re: I'm really sorry but I need to talk.

First of all, congratulations on reducing your blood glucose readings. Well done. I think you have taken a huge step in relating your inner fears. We all have fears but I suspect yours are at the point where they are overwhelming you and this is a good time to check in with your therapist. He/she can offer you help by working through it together – you need to let them know that you are having difficulty working through it alone at home and this may lead to scheduling more sessions until you feel you are able to cope again. Always remember, the medical profession is there to help you, so even if he/she needs to refer you to a more specialized unit, please go. And please don't stop posting here - sometimes just letting strangers know what you are feeling can be cathartic for you and help in the healing process.