Re: Doing the rounds again.

Farting at tiffany's

a lady walks into tiffany's .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet
and walks over to inspect it...as she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays
that a salesperson was not anywhere near...

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...
Good looking as well .. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional
in a store like tiffany's...

He politely greets the lady with,

'good day, madam .. How may we help you today???

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident',
she asks, 'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'

he answers,

"madam .. If you farted just looking at it - you're going to s*it when i tell you the price .."
.

.
.
.

Re: Doing the rounds again.

.

.

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a...?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, "housewife covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day..I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out.

"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the

most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole family) and already have three credits (2 daughters and a son). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree? lol) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 10 and 4. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 1 year old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom". Motherhood! . What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.
.

.
.

Re: Doing the rounds again.

Absolutely wonderful!!
Beautiful performance,
A breath of fresh air, enjoy
This is China's showcase to the world!
Absolutely beautiful but …… WHERE ARE THE CHAIRS?
Are those lady musicians sitting on invisible chairs?
Apparently NOT - it's a form of YOGA - but I'm not about to try it.
This is actually being done in a yoga pose known as "chair posture".
Thing is, imagine holding this position for that long!
The strength in their legs is unbelievable! Shanghai Expo Closing Ceremony
.
Click Here
http://tinyurl.com/2byhj8l
.
.

Re: Doing the rounds again.

Re: Doing the rounds again.

Senior dating

Happenings in a Retirement village !!

Dorothy: ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week,
and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.''

Edna: ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7p.m.,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...

A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvellous dinner...

Lobster,champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me, not once, but twice ! ''

Dorothy: ''Goodness gracious!... So are you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''

Edna: ''No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress !! ''
.

.
.

Re: Doing the rounds again.

.
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco and the plane had a stop over in Sacramento.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman.

Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell that he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs? " The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Now picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Things aren't always as they appear..............
.
.

Re: Doing the rounds again.

The Perfect Dress / Best way to rehearse for a dress run...
___________________________________________



Julia's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement. Her mother, who had recently gone through a nasty divorce, had just found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Julia was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Julia asked her step-mother to exchange it, but she refused.

“Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,” she replied peevishly.

Julia told her mother, who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.”

That weekend, Julia and her Mom went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Julia asked her mother, “Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!”

Re: Doing the rounds again.

Smithsonian Institute, 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078

The story behind the letter below is that there is a man in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott Williams.

What he does is dig things out of his backyard and then send them to the Smithsonian Institute.

Scot labels his exhibits with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.


Anyway...
here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution.
Bear this letter in mind next time you think you are challenged in your job to respond to a difficult situation in writing.


Dear Mr. Williams,

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled '93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull.'

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be 'Malibu Barbie.'

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradict your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

2. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities


Footnote to the Smithsonian letter:
When I discovered that the Barbie Smithsonian letter was an urban myth, it was nearly as devastating as when, aged 7, I realized that Father Christmas was a phoney.

There has never been an Antiquities department in the Smithsonian Institute. Furthermore, research reveals that the Smithsonian are fed up of people ringing up seeking to verify the 'Barbie' exhibit which does not exist.

Finally, it has come to our attention that the original prankster is Dr. Harvey Rowe, who conceived the Barbie Smithsonian Letter back in 1994. A few emails to friends started one of the best ever urban myths.

Re: Doing the rounds again.

Yes, it is a new species.

They are called “homo-slapgat-erectus”.

They are a natural genetic evolution brought on by a constant bad attitude in the backside that results in the pelvis sagging due to gravitation.

Unluckily (Actually, luckily – hopefully they can’t breed) as a result of the reproductive organs sagging and being dragged along the ground, you will find very few of them have remaining testicular organs.

They are also known as “grow-a-pair-sapiens”.
.

.
.

Re: Doing the rounds again.