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15-12-2011, 01:13 AM
11

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Enjoyed that Mollie

Fancy old Trevor turning up in the same ward
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15-12-2011, 01:43 AM
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Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Enjoyed that as well Mollie and Carmen took the words right out of my mouth
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15-12-2011, 01:59 AM
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Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

That's not the last you've heard of Trevor either!

You've no idea what pleasure it gives me that you're not only reading these tales, but enjoying them as well. Thank you so much.
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15-12-2011, 09:47 PM
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Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

I've got 3 to read before I'm up to date mollie, but I couldn't resist reading the latest (57), the title was too tempting, The Phantom Farter, and I really enjoyed it, thanks.
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15-12-2011, 10:07 PM
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Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Aw, that's norty.

Glad you enjoyed it though.
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16-12-2011, 12:19 AM
16

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

58

Crusty Makes His Bel a Brew
(with Sugar, Salt and Vinegar Too!!)



Crusty was in his element that Bel had put Trevor into traction but knew she'd be in serious trouble if anyone ever found out. She was just protecting her little pigmy and it was now time to turn the tables on the nasty owd sod that had made his life a misery.

Every now and then Crusty would hobble down to Trevor's bed and tickle his chin, feet, and the smelly armpit of his knackered limb knowing how much it aggravated him and knowing he couldn't do anything about it.

Before he was caught out Crusty was also quick on his crutch and scuttled off before anybody saw what he was doing, leaving Trevor in absolute torture and him with a big daft grin on his chops.

Obviously the hospital staff had to know how he'd got himself into such a mess within the confines of a busy hospital. They wanted to know how a patient, tucked up securely in his bed one night, was found in his bed the following morning with multiple bruises, a cracked jawbone, a bloody nose, lacerations, a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder.

It was evident that he'd received quite a beating so the Police had to be called in. They questioned all the people that had been in the ward on the night in question but no one had seen or heard anything.

Trevor, although fearful and embarrassed, told them it was Crusty's girlfriend that had done it so they said they'd question her also. The Police officers had looked at each other and smirked on hearing that this daft old duffer would blame a woman for inflicting this pain and suffering on an old man!

They asked him if he'd actually seen the perpetrator's face but the truth was he hadn't because of the balaclava so he was on a sticky wicket.

As all this was going on the visitors started to come in, Crustabel bringing up the rear. She was dressed quite demurely tonight. Her blond hair was loose around her shoulders and she was wearing a plain black dress with pink accessories. Considering her size she looked very fetching. She wanted to give the impression of softness and gentility. The Darling Buds of May type of thing!

Trevor started babbling at the Police and pointed to where Crustabel was just sitting down after giving Crusty a big hug.

"Her's here now. That's Crustabel theer! It were thar'owd boiler o'er theer that did it! Gestapo Gertie theer!" he yelled out jabbing his finger in Bel's direction.

Bel looked up at hearing her name then raised her hand to her chest, innocence written all over her face and eyes wide.

"Who? Me?"

She looked shyly at the Police officers who stood up from Trevor's bedside and plodded down to Crusty's. Everybody went quiet, except for Crusty who was rabbiting on ten to the dozen as usual telling Bel all about his day a-hobbling and visiting other patients in different wards, with tales of the unexpected and supernatural!

She poked him into silence.

The Police went over to Bel and asked her about the previous night's incident and where was she at midnight last night.

"I really don't know what you're talking about officer but I was at home at midnight last night like all God-fearing folk should be. Anybody out and about after that time of night can be up to no good. In any case, I've never seen that gentleman before he came into the hospital. How can anyone think that I could beat up somebody, especially somebody I don't even know, and that's only if I were capable of such a terrible thing? Poor old man!"

She'd lost the Wigan accent again and Crusty started tittering at her posh voice! What Crusty didn't know was that she only used her old accent when she was with him, having taken elocution lessons when she was younger!

The Police knew this was going to be a waste of time but asked her if she had any witnesses as to her movements.

"Well, not really as I live alone, except to say that my twin brother rung me from Cornwall at about ten past twelve to let me have some important information I'd been waiting all day for. It was important business information. You could phone and ask him if you like. Here, I'll give you his number if it helps."

"That's alright Miss Leekey. We know of your standing in the community. The victim must have made a mistake!"

Trevor's gob had dropped open at this tissue of lies and Crusty had just sat there covering his mouth with his hand, still tittering. Bel was sick of poking him in the arm trying to shut him up.

"Crusty, speak up me sweetheart for gawd's sake. Tell 'em you an' me go back a long way and we're buddies! Her's a bluddy psycho that woman o' thine. Her'll kill somebody one o' these days!"

Crustabel looked really hurt by these remarks.

As if!

"No I'll not tell any tales. My Bel's one o't most genklest personages I've ever known. Just because her's a big 'un dun't mean her's a bully. It's thee! Ya've done nowt but pester the bluddy life out o' me since ya come in. Ya know wor'e did ossifer? I were in traction an' he kept tickling me under me chin and callin' me his

lickle beauty and darlin' like he did just then! He's not bluddy normal he's not an' I'd never sin him before he come in here neither! I reckon he's been carrying on like that wi' some o't other lads and they'll've getten 'gether and punched him and now he's blaming my genkle Bel, the mardy-arsed sod!"

"Well done Crusty," thought Crustabel as she tried to look as innocent as the driven snow and as gentle as a newborn lamb! Not easy for a nineteen stone woman with a face like a broken glass factory.

Crusty hadn't complained to anyone about Trevor, except that one time when he told the little nurse who hadn't believed him anyway and she'd been moved to another ward since then.

The Police were satisfied with the explanation Bel had given and that there was no reason on earth why she would hold a grudge against him, and Trevor couldn't prove otherwise, especially as Crusty had backed Bel up with her story.

Bel was fawcer than Trevor!

Nothing of real interest happened after that as Trevor was stuck in bed and Crusty was bouncing about on his crutch now moidering the old ladies in the women's wards. He could even manage to get upstairs and downstairs and spent hours of fun playing in the children's ward as well showing the kids how to colour in, even though he hates kids, as we all well know! He was even found colouring in, in a child's play pen one day, for gawd's sake! The over-worked Staff was constantly going in search of him as if they didn't have enough to do.

Oh, I nearly forgot. One night a visitor smuggled a big bottle of gin into the ward, which was strictly against the rules but Tommy had shared it with Crusty and two of the others. They quickly got giggly drunk and Crusty suggested that he and the other lads have a "crotch" race to see who was fastest. Lads? There were none of them under sixty-five! There was Crusty, Tommy, Freddy and Brian and they lined up at one end of the ward, ready for the off. They all had two crutches each except for Crusty which made hobbling a little more difficult.

Making sure there was no nursing staff around they set off at a fast drunken hobble up and down the ward. They were to do four laps and every time they went past Trevor's bed they each had to tickle the bare feet that were sticking out! When they'd completed the circuit they were all knackered and fell in a crumpled heap on the floor, crutches sticking out all over the place. A porter had to come and un-knot them and sort out whose legs belonged to whom!

They all went to bed giggling away and, because of the alcohol they slept that night. It still hadn't been figured out who was grunting and farting the whole night through though and it started again at about one in the morning.

"Oink, snorrrt, mumble" fart. "Oink, snorrrt, mumble," fart!

This time it was so loud that it woke everyone up, including some of the corpses in the morgue! Even the bloody dead got no peace with Crusty around.
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16-12-2011, 12:21 AM
17

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Except for Crusty that is. He slept like a top.

The following morning Crusty woke up to find a pile of pillows on his head where people had thrown them at him during the night in an effort to wake him. They'd finally pinpointed who the Phantom Farter was. He couldn't hear everyone yelling because he'd switched off his hearing aid again so they'd thrown pillows in the vain attempt of shutting him up. It hadn't worked though so they didn't get much sleep again and the place stunk to high heaven once more.

That afternoon they gathered around the bed of one chap who'd had a serious operation to his under-carriage and couldn't get out of bed because of his stitches. Crusty told them the tale of when he'd been visiting Bel when she had her tonsillectomy and that he'd "assisted" in an operation wearing scrubs and later on how he'd helped out with a post mortem on the man who'd been opened up from chucky hole to crusticles.

Boy could he tell 'em!

Of course nobody believed a word he said as he can't even lie straight in bed, even though it was the truth this time, but it gave them all a good giggle. It wasn't so much the story he told but his daft words that had everybody in fits. They were perfectly normal words for Crusty though so he didn't realise they were laughing at him. The poor bugger in the bed laughed so much that some of his stitches burst and had to have them re-sewn!

He was always stinking the place out as well and, on top of that, he'd taken to wearing his socks in bed again having begged Bel to bring him a clean pair to keep his feet warm.

She hadn't been able to find any clean ones which had been no surprise whatsoever so she'd gone in search of all his grotties. She found crappy knickers under the bed and down the back of his set of drawers, together with the newly formed duo Sniffy and Whiffy. She found his pyjamas that had become welded together with nast so she had to separate the top from the bottoms very carefully. Then, she'd done some washing for him and brought his pyjamas to replace the hospital nightgown he'd been wearing for weeks, and Sniffy and Whiffy. He'd favvered a rum bugger in that gown as it was always wide open at the back showing his fat pimply hairy arse and his skinny little legs as he hobbled about.

It only took a couple of days to get the socks well and truly crusted up with sweat again and his stinking feet became the talk of the hospital! They'd even started to glow fluorescent green. Everybody walked past him holding onto their breath and the doctors had to wear their surgical masks when checking on his leg as the fumes were so bad.

Ah, but, they came in very handy those socks one day. Tommy was going in for his operation but at the very last moment the anaesthetist went down sick and there was no one else available at the time. So, the Theatre Sister went to Crusty's bed and found him zonked out, mouth wide open and snorting, gently for once.

Wearing surgical gloves she expertly removed his socks, without him realising, and took them into the operating theatre where they were held under Tommy's nose until he was gassed sufficiently for the operation to commence. Every now and then he'd start coming round so the socks were kept handy and were wafted over his nose each time until he dropped off again. Unlike anaesthetic, they weren't sure of the dosage so they just crossed their fingers.

It worked a treat but the downside was that once the socks had done their job properly poor Tommy took three days to come round fully as he'd been given an overdose of wafting and kept passing out again! He couldn't get the smell of them out of his nostrils, poor sod.

It was almost six weeks since Crusty was brought to the Infirmary from Somerset and the doctors were extremely pleased with his progress. So much so that he was told that he would be going home soon. One of the main reasons though was because they couldn't stand the smell of his feet for much longer and once he was out, they would have to fumigate his bed before another patient could use it!

With this news he sat on his bed silently sulking for the rest of the day with his hands clasped tightly over his belly. He liked it in here as he got three free meals a day, a nice warm bed, he'd no lecky or gas to pay for and he had some mates now!

When Bel had come visiting that night he told her the news and she was so pleased for him, but on hearing him whinge about having to leave she gave him a sharp poke in the eye.

"Ouch!" wailed Crusty, putting his hand to his eye, which was watering up quickly. "Why'd ya do that Bel. Thar'urt!"

"Shurrup bluddy moaning. Ya never stop whingein' about summat or other!"

"I know Bel burrave been in 'ospickal so long now thar'it feels like I'm a'wom!"

"Ya just like watching folk scuttling round after ya bringing ya this and that and gerrin' everythin' for free!"

"Yeh, that's a bonus!" he said snickering.

Before she left she walked down to the end of the ward to see how Trevor was doing.

"Neh then y'owd rat bag! How are ya feeling today?"

"Bog off woman an' leave me in peace. I don't want thee anywhere near me. Tha'll just end up peltin' me one again."

"Just so that you understand this very clearly Trevor! You just so much as go near thar'owd pigmy ever again and ickle not be bluddy 'ospital I'll put ya in. They'll be measurin' ya up for yer coffin. Neh think on in future!"

-oo0oo-

Three days later Crusty was hobbling through the front door of 13 Bakewell Drive on his crutch. On entering he saw the smiling face of Mel Gibson staring at him from the mirror frame. He stopped to look at his "reflection". He'd forgotten it was a poster.

"I'll tell ya wot Bel. That stay in th'ospickal's nor'half done me some good. I favver a new mon!" he said preening in the "mirror".

Bel walked in behind him with his carrier bags, and not realising he'd stopped dead in his tracks, walked into him.

"Ger'out o't road ya daft sod. That's bluddy Mel Gibson, not thee!" she said giving him a shove.

"Sorry Bel! Oh aye, I'd forgetten about that!"

He sat himself down in his living room and looked around as if it were the first time he'd been there.

"It all looks strange Bel. It's months since I were last in here and after th'ospickal being all clean and everything me living room looks a bit manky!"

"A bit manky! That's another one of yer famous under-statements. It's not manky it's a bluddy pig sty! No wonder ya feels a'wom in it!"

"Wockle I do Bel? Do ya think I should paint over this wallpaper?"

Here we go again.

"Leave it for now Crusty and get yerself better properly. When the weather gets a bit warmer I'll help ya make it look nice."

"Ta Bel. Ya really are good to me 'ceptin' for when yer pastin' me!"

"Well I don't paste ya for nowt, ya know. It's only when ya've done summat stupid."

"I know Bel burram always doin' summat stupid aren't I?"

"Reet lad I'll be on me way! Will ya be alright now on yer own for the time being until I can come back again?"

"I'll have't be. I'll watch me telly bur'ickle not be't same watching in black and white after gerrin used to that big colour one in th'ospickal. Ickle be boring now!"

"I know luv. Listen, I'll tell ya worrall do. I've gor'a colour telly in me bedroom and I never switch it on. It's nor'a big 'un burrall fetch it ya next time I come. How's that?"

He started bouncing about again clapping his hands.

"Oooh ta very much Bel. Thank you. Ya really are good to me. I'm ever so grateful Bel. Ta a lot Bel, many thanks ......"
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16-12-2011, 12:23 AM
18

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"Shaddap ya daft lookin' owd bugger! Yer givin' me yed warch again!"

"Sorry Bel," said Crusty quietly.

"Reet I'm off now burrall si' thi tomorrer wi' yer telly!"

After she'd gone Crusty felt more alone than he'd ever felt in his life. He didn't know what to do with himself but Crusty had a motto:

"When there's nowt to do
Ya makes a brew
When yer a lonely chap
Ya makes some snap!"


He trundled off into the kitchen and put the kettle on. It had been so long since he'd been in there as well that he'd forgotten he and Bel had re-painted it. He stood admiring it while the kettle boiled then checked his fridge and cupboards to see if Bel had left him anything nice to eat. She'd re-stocked for him, most of the food being in tins without labels which a friend had given her from the local canning factory. She'd figured that as Crusty will eat anything a label didn't matter. So he selected one and opened it to see what was inside.

It was a tin of rice pudding. He pulled a face but tipped it into a pan to heat up on the cooker anyway.

That night he made yet another big mistake.

-oo0oo-

Bel called round the next day with Crusty's telly and he was thrilled to pieces when she switched it on for him. She showed him how to use the remote and left him sitting there flicking it thinking you got more channels with a remote than the normal five. He wouldn't wait until Bel had coupled it up to his Cable TV.

Crustabel had gone into the kitchen to brew a cuppa for them both and her eyes widened in disbelief when she saw the state of it. He'd only been back five minutes.

"CRUSTY! GET YER SCUMMY LITTLE BACKSIDE IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!"

His ears started banging and he leapt out of his chair on his crutch like his life depended on it. He scurried/hobbled into the kitchen and there was Bel towering above him as usual with a face like a pit bull growling at him.

"Wossup Bel. Worrava done this time?"

She grabbed him by his ear and dragged him to the kitchen sink and shoved his head in it.

"Tell me wot ya can see in there!"

He peered into the sink and down the plughole with one red piggy eye.

"Some scum and some dishes Bel," his voiced echoed back.

"Be more precise about the dishes!"

"Nasty dishes Bel."

"Correct!"

He started babbling his excuses then and Bel folded her arms while he explained why he couldn't possibly have washed them. Nerves jangling he started to run hot water into the sink and squirted in some cheap washing up liquid as he babbled on.

"I'll tell ya wor'appened Bel. It were like this. After ya'd gone last neet I were fed up and miserable all by meself so I said me little rhyme, ya know the one I mean?"

She nodded in silence.

His hands were trembling with fear.

"Well worra did was I went an' opened up one o' them tins that ya fetched me wi' no labels on so I didn't know wot were inside. Well it were a tin o' rice pudding Bel an' after I'd etten it I poured some water into me pan and me bowl to ler'em soak 'cos it's nor easy gerrin milk off."

"Is thar'it? Is that yer excuse?"

He nodded his head wildly hoping and praying that she'd understand.

"So why didn't ya finish 'em off after they'd soaked then?"

"I forgot!" he said sticking his thumb in his mouth.

Then he got busy scrubbing away with the abrasive pad, whittling every last drop of milk away.

"Am sorry Bel. It's just tharra was so chuffed wi' me new telly and watching the colours an' everything tharra just forgot, burram doin' it now aren't I?" he said balancing gingerly on his crutch.

She nodded and sighed.

"Yer a bluddy lame brain! Alreet! I'll let you off this once while yer still on crutches, but don't do it again. Understand?"

"Aye okay Bel, ta Bel!"

"When ya've done that I want ya to put the kettle on again. I wanna watch ya make a cup o' tea!"

"Ya want me to show ya how it's done Bel?" he giggled.
"I wanna see how thy makes it!"

They waited while the kettle boiled and Crusty had taken two clean (yes, clean) cups out of his cupboard. He placed a tea bag in each one with sugar for himself but none for Bel then he poured the boiling water into the mugs.

So far so good!

He got the milk out of the fridge. Real milk this time, not the National Dried, but before he added it to the freshly made brew he shook a drop of vinegar and put a pinch of salt in each cup. Then he added the milk!!

"There Bel. That's how ya make a nice cup o' tea!" he said handing her a cup.

She took it from him then, without even trying it, poured it away down the sink, doing the same with his.

"Neh start again ya daft sod and this time leave out the salt and vinegar. Worra ya doing purrin salt and vinegar in a cup o' tea anyway ya daft bugger?"

"Is that wrong Bel?" he asked, his bottom lip curling downwards.

"Do it again and leave out the salt and vinegar then ya can see for yerself!"

He re-made it to her specifications and, once cooled, took a sip.

"Bel, Bel that's bluddy beltin' that Bel! I never knew it could taste that good when I've made it! I always wondered why your tea always tasted better than mine!"

"Well, neh ya know why yer tay always tastes crap so don't forget in future!"

Poor old Crusty!

"Neh lissen lad. I know its Saturday tomorrer, but tomorrer neet I'll not be able't see ya as I've been invited to a fancy dress party by some friends. It's at The Cat and The Canary, you know the nice place near me. I'd invite you along only I don't think ya'd fit in with the people. Wouldn't want you to feel left out! Okay lad?"

He sulked.

"Okay then Bel. Wockle I do then?"

"Well, ya've got yer colour telly now. Ya've got yer colouring books ya can fill in and ya've gor'a kitchen full o' grub. Plus, ya needs yer rest!"

"Okay Bel, when will I see ya next then?"

"I'll come round on Sunday an' I'll tek ya to Southport. We dipped out on that little trip last time didn't we when my friend was poorly and you fell in't river?"

"Oh yeh, great Bel. See ya then!"

"See ya Sunday and look after yerself. If ya get desp'rate, ya've got me phone numbers, alreet?"

"Okay Bel!"

After she'd gone, Crusty hobbled about not knowing what to do with himself. He sat watching the telly for a while but there was nothing particularly good on. He fancied going out for a pint but decided against it as he'd no money. Having been in hospital for almost ten weeks and having just come out he hadn't been able to get to the hole in the wall yet. He'd have to ask Bel to take him when he saw her again on Sunday before they went on their trip to Southport.

He took out the new mobile phone that Bel had given him as a coming out of hospital present and started punching numbers into it again, rocking on his ankles and furry tongue dangling out!!

A sultry voice answered.

"Hello, Miss Golden Thighs speaking. What's your pleasure this evening?"

"Hiya Miss Thighs, it's me again. The one with the new crotch!"

© Mollie M
05.03.02
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17-12-2011, 01:36 AM
19

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Another good read Mollie, very funny about the doctors using Crusty's socks as anaesthetic for Tommy's operation. Looking forward to the next chapter
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17-12-2011, 01:40 AM
20

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Aaah, it's all worthwhile putting the stories on here when they're being appreciated. Thanks lass. Next tale tomorrow night.
 
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