Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Oh that was a funny read The cod piece was hilarious A birthday bash for Crusty? Hmmmm, wonder what he'll get up to there.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

He gets dafter and dafter!

Bringing over what has been said in the Favourite Forum Section, would you prefer it if I limited the stories to one a week? I really don't mind if you do.

I could put a new one on every Saturday night if you'd like.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Very funny, especially the cod bit, only Crusty would do that Wonder what mischief he'll get up to in Spain?

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Ah, well ..... I'll put it on, on Saturday night.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

cheers Mollie

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

131

Bel Bullies Off!
(and A Very Sad Tale!)

Crusty did his bit of shopping and then, as he'd promised Bel, he went home and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening alone, his only company being his beloved Macaroni and the telly. Even though it was a Saturday night, he wasn't in the mood for a pint or chatting with his "mates" at the Club. His house still ponged but not of his own manufacture, for a change! He could still smell that horrible stink from that grungy smoke from earlier on. It was dreadful! He didn't sleep too well that night, but early next morning he was up and at the frying pan again. He cooked a huge breakfast for himself and sat down, then realised he couldn't eat it as the smell made him feel a little nauseous, and he started heaving so, with tears in his eyes, he threw it all into the bin. Despite that, he was really excited about the trip to Spain with his Bel. He'd never been there before and couldn't wait for her to ring to tell him the date of departure. He had to admit though that he wasn't feeling very well today as he kept feeling sick, but he shrugged it off. Nothing was going to stop him going on another jaunt!

It was now Sunday morning and Crusty mooched about the house in the vague hope that Bel would ring him and tell him to get his fat pimply backside over to her house for a Sunday's dinner, but no such call was forthcoming. Because the house still smelled funny having micro-waved his pot noodles the day before, he'd had to keep his windows open. Being mid-November he was frozen stiff so he would have welcomed the chance of going to Bel's if only to keep warm.

"Never mind! I'll ring my Bel instead."

He picked up the phone and dialled the number, but all he got was an engaged tone but, at that same moment, Bel had rung Crusty and the lines crossed, she also getting an engaged tone.

This kept happening so Bel, becoming impatient with him, rang his mobile instead. She'd set a special ring tone for him so that he would know that it was his Bel ringing him and his eyes lit up when he heard the tune.

"Binga banga bongo
I don't wanna leave the Congo
Oh-oh no-no-no-no!"

"Ooh! That's me lickle takeaway telephone an' it's my Bel a-ringing me!"

He opened the phone and was greeted with a pretty coloured picture of a boat sailing by. He stood and admired it, forgetting to speak.

"Crusty! Stop starin' at that bluddy picture and speyk up!"

Oops!

"Sorry Bel. I were forgerrin' for a minute. Worisit ya wants to ask me? I've been trying't ring ya but ya've bin engaged for ages!"

"Have ya lad? It were probably me tryin't ring you! Hang up Crusty and I'll ring ya back on yer landline, okay?"

"Okay Bel. Standing by to take call on me big telephone in me lickle hallway for when ya rings ....."

The mobile went dead.

Drrring, drrring!

Crusty's answering machine kicked in and she had to sit and suffer listening to the pathetic message he'd put on. As soon as it beeped, Bel yelled at him down the phone again.

"Switch that bluddy answering machine off an' pick yer phone up before I start gerrin annoyed wi' ya!"

He picked up.

"Sorry Bel. I'd forgetten I'd left it switched on."

"Reet! I'm ringing to let ya know tharrave booked our holiday to Spain, burra could only ger'it for a four day jaunt. I'll tek ya somewhere for a week another time. I've gor'it cheap because somebody cancelled at the last minute, but we fly tonight owd lad. We've got to be at Manchester Airport by seven o'clock so make sure ya ger’a shower and ya have yer carrier bags packed by't time I call for ya at 4.30. Have ya got that lad?"

"Yis Bel. Have shower, pack carrier bags, collect me at 4.30 for jaunt!"

"Good lad. I'll see ya then!"

"Bel?"

"Wot now?"

"Am feelin' a lickle bit poorly today. I've gor’a bit of an 'eadache an'a feel a bit sick! Will I be okay for later on?"

"Course ya will. Take a yed warch pill wi' a drop o' water and ya'll be okay!"

Wasting no time he whooshed up to his bedroom and started dragging things out of drawers, and smelly drawers out from under the bed, to pack. He'd have preferred a little more warning so that he could have made the effort for once by doing some washing first, but there was no time so he'd have to pack a few scummies to get by with.

They were on the plane by eight, but Crusty wasn't his usual exuberant self. He wasn't bounding about and wasn't jabbering like he normally would have done. He
hadn't even bothered getting his crayons out of his bag as he didn't need them to keep him quiet. Bel put it down to the fact that he was tired from all his zooming around getting ready, and he'd earlier complained of a headache, so she didn't question him about it. On the contrary, she was delighted to be able to sit through a flight in peace and quiet for once!

They were staying in self-catering accommodation and on their first full day there Bel took Crusty out for a bite to eat.

"Wot d'ya fancy for brekkie owd lad? I'm bluddy hungry."

"Just a piece o' toast please Bel. On second thoughts, I'll not bother. Am not very hungry at the moment!"

Her jaw hit the table with a crashing thud.

"Why? Wot's up owd lad? D'ya not feel too good today?"

"No Bel. I don't really feel very well at all. Not since yesterday! I must be sickenin' for summat! Will it be alright if I tek meself off for a walk while ya have yer brekkie? I'll not go too far!"

"Well ..... okay then, but stay within whistling distance. When ya hears me whistle for ya, ya've got to come haring back, okay lad?"

"Okay Bel. By the way! Who's lookin' after Palethorpe for ya?"

"Oh it's alright owd lad. Palethorpe's safe wi' Mrs Shepherd while we're away!"

"Oh! That's alreet then! I'll see ya in a bit!"

He trundled off slowly and Bel watched him as he went.

"He's walking a bit doddery today!" she thought worriedly. "He usually scurries and scuttles and zooms and whooshes along but today he's only shambling. More like a slow lollop! Wor’a bluddy shame! He doesn't look well at all burrall keep me eye on him! Pr'aps this sunshine'll do him a bit o' good!"

Crusty meandered through the twisting little narrow streets, passing an open market which sold food of all types. Normally, he would have stood there eyeing things, drooling and slobbering with his tongue stretched out at full dangle until someone threw him a bit of something, but today he wasn't interested.

He wasn't really watching where he was going and it was a good ten minutes since Bel had whistled for him to return. When he didn't appear within 0.5 of a second she sighed, paid her bill then went looking for him.

She'd stuck her fingers in her cheeks and had blown hard three times with no result.

She hadn't a clue where to start and she couldn't speak Spanish, so she tried her usual mimicry on people to try to find him. Luckily, she was exceptionally good at miming by now and the people understood her, some of them pointing in the direction they'd last seen him.

She carried on walking for another fifteen minutes when suddenly she heard him screaming at the top of his voice.

"Bel, Bel, help me Bel! I've got meself in bother again Bel! Can ya hear me Bel? Your Crusty needs yer help again. Please Bel, hurry up or ickle kill me!"

Eh?

"What'll kill him? What's he gone and done now?"

Fearfully, she started running towards the direction his voice was coming from. She looked like a rugby prop forward who had the ball and was battling to get to the try line. In her rush she knocked a couple of men over, and a fruit and veg stall was demolished, and within a couple of minutes she found herself in some sort of enclosure.

"Bel, Bel, over here Bel! Am here! Yoo-hoo!"

"I'll bluddy yoo-hoo him in a bit!"

She scanned round and spotted him clinging to the top of a fence as white as a sheet then she started to walk toward him, hands on hips.

"Wot the bluddy hell d'ya think yer doing ya daft owd sod? Get down off that ....."

"No time Bel, no time! Ger'out o't road Bel. Hurry up. It's seen ya! Look out!!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

He was pointing to something behind her, and it was then that she noticed a large crowd all around who were on their feet apparently yelling a warning to her.

"Wot the bluddy hell's up wi' everybody?"

She started to turn to see what Crusty was pointing at and then she saw it! There it stood in all its glory. It was approximately two tons of prime Aberdeen Angus standing on skinny little legs and it was scraping at the ground with its hoof and making a similar snorting sound that Crusty made from time to time. Its head was down and its eyes were wild. It was a magnificent beast, and Crusty called over to her, crying his eyes out.

"Hurry up Bel or ickle have ya!"

"Ha! I'd like to see it bluddy well try!"

Bel knew that she'd absolutely no chance of out-running the beast, so she maintained her position and also started scraping the ground with her size 9 Jack boot, snorted and looked at it full in the eyes, daring it. It was a toss up who would charge first! The bull stopped scraping and lifted its head to look at Bel properly then it put its head to one side, still looking at her. The bull was a little puzzled because normally humans tried to run away from him, but this human didn't. He was used to dealing with little skinny men in funny costumes with funny hats and tights. This human being was different! This human being was BIG! He stepped a couple of paces forward hoping to get some reaction, but there was none except that the human being started shouting at him.

"Thee bluddy well come at me if tha' durst an' I'll have thi' carved up, frozzen, shipped out and in me bluddy freezer a'wom before't day's out! There'll be another bluddy meaning for takin't bull by th'orns! I'll swing thi' round me yed an' I'll punch thi' in't balls! I'LL make yer bluddy eyes watter, Abdul the bluddy bull-bull!"

The poor thing cringed, as did the onlookers but the bull was still puzzled and had a little think to himself.

"Worrava done wrong? Wot's her shouting at me for? I've done nowt yet!"

There was a deathly hush in the arena when Bel had started shouting, and the people could see that woman and beast were nearing an understanding. Just then there was a gasp from the crowd as the bull started to move toward Bel. It walked up to her slowly, Bel maintaining her ground then it stopped right in front of her. They were equally matched in size, looking like a pair of book ends, and they eyed each other.

"Hello boy!" said Bel gently.

Just then, much to everyone's surprise and delight, Bel put her hand out and stroked its nose which was soft and velvety. Then she patted it on the forehead. Then she playfully held onto one of its horns and shook its head and tickled it under the chin.

The bull heaved a sigh of relief. For once it had come across a human being that didn't want to poke it, stab it or kill it and he was enjoying the attention. A mighty cheer went up in the crowd and both Bel and bull stood in the middle of the arena and took a bow, after which the bull was ushered off to his compound for his dinner.

Crusty climbed down from the fence and rushed over to his Bel giving her a big hug, relieved that she hadn't been gored.

"How did ya manage to do that Bel? That were brilliant!"

"Oh there was nowt to it owd lad. I've always found that if ya treats an animal with respect they respond to ya better!"

"Yeh bur'it ........."

Without any warning at all Crusty's knees folded and he collapsed to the ground! Bel followed him down within seconds to find out what was wrong. She could see that poor Crusty's eyes were wide and staring and looked almost catatonic, and he was fitting!!

"Wot's up owd lad? Crusty! Is there a doctor in attendance? Please I need a doctor immediately!"

There was indeed a doctor who was on stand-by for the matadors, toreadors and picadors. He'd seen an old man drop to the ground in the bull ring and he came rushing to Crusty's side to examine him. The doctor took out a mobile phone and spoke in a torrent of Spanish and within two minutes a stretcher was brought out.

For once Bel didn't know what to do except follow them through to an ambulance, which always awaited any serious accidents. He was rushed to the hospital and examined by a team of doctors, but by then Crusty had come round again. They thought he was okay as he was sitting up and taking notice, she was told, and needed at least a day in hospital but she was to get him back to England as soon as it could be arranged. However, they couldn't find what it was that had made him collapse and fit so they suggested extensive tests when he got home.

With Bel's vast resources she managed to get them on a flight the very next day. Because it was November now the aircraft wasn't full so, cutting their short stay even shorter, she got him home within a few hours.


Once back at Bakewell Drive Bel wanted to phone Doctor Fry, but Crusty wouldn't hear of it.

"Am alreet Bel. I feel much better now. I think it might've been that hot sunshine that did it as I gor’a bit short o' breath, plus I hadn't etten much, plus I were frikkened o' that bull. I think it all came on me all at once all of a suddinkly!"

"Well if you're absolutely sure owd lad. I don't want you to be poorly!"

A couple of days later it was their birthdays and Bel had gone to a great deal of trouble preparing the party Crusty had begged her for. He'd come round a bit again, but he still wasn't his normal self as his breathing didn't seem right. However, that night he arrived at Bel's house in his best bib and tucker.

"Hey up owd lad. Ya've getten yer Sunday-go-to-meeting outfit on today. Ya smells lovely and clean and ya've had a shave! I've not seen ya look so clean since I threw ya into't sea in Greece a few years back!"

All she got was a weak smile!

"Come on lad. Yer guests have arrived. They're all here to see ya!"

There was no Nobbler or Michael there but everybody else had turned up. There was Faggie, Aggie and Maggie and Jim, Roy and the staff from the cafe. Then there were his recently found old mates Billy the Bonker, Alfred the Geek and Frankie Fogarty. For a while, Alfred had stood grinning stupidly at Bel with his tongue sticking out, and she'd spoken to him quite sternly.

"Alfred! Don't stand theer with yer tung sticking out lad. Tha' favvers a bluddy zip from't side and get yer bluddy teeth sorted out. Tha' favvers a tar rake round't gob!"

Much to Crusty's surprise, Crispy and Flora had turned up as well. Bel had put an advert in the local paper begging them to contact her and they had done, and even Bill Johnson, owner of the white gloss Porsche, came at Bel's invitation.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

They were all there, but there was one person who hadn't been invited and had heard about the party on the grapevine. Trevor had turned up, but neither Crusty nor Bel had seen him yet as he'd been hiding furtively under the buffet table!

The last to arrive was Doctor Fry, who was late because one of his elderly patients had called him out when she'd stubbed her little toe on the dog.

Crusty beamed at them all and, once again feeling a little better, started whooshing around the room jabbering away. Bel was glad to see him looking a bit better, but she was still worried about him as he hadn't made a start on the buffet yet and normally that would have been his first task on arrival.

The room was full of people happily chatting, eating and drinking and Bel was the perfect hostess, making sure everyone's glass was topped up and that they wanted for nothing. However, nobody noticed that Crusty had slumped on a settee, gone white and was shaking.

Because it was also her own birthday, she'd invited Alicks and Reata from Scotland, Justin and his wife from Blackpool, Crustian and his family from Cornwall, her sister Crustina and niece Crustle from Hampshire and as many others as she could round up at short notice but, understandably, Jasper couldn't make it from Australia.

Bel called to Crusty as she trundled past him.

"How are ya doing owd lad? Are ya okay?"

"Yis ta Bel. Am okay!"

Good naturedly, she called back.

"Well go and get summat to eat before it all goes. They're like a pack o' bluddy wolves this lot!"

Everybody started laughing, except Crusty. What a wonderful party this was. There must have been close on a hundred people there and the food, drink and music, not to mention the delightful company, were excellent.

Except for Trevor, who by now was sitting sulking in a corner because nobody would talk to him, so he decided to have a little bit of fun of his own! By now Crusty had got up from the settee and came slowly walking out of nowhere when Trevor leapt up from his seat blocking his path.

"Aaaragh! Worra you doing here? Bel, Bel, help me Bel. Trevor's here! Did you invite him Bel? Ya knows I cawn't be doing with him!"

Bel heard Crusty yelling something so went over to find out what was upsetting him again, but before she could get to him, Trevor had grabbed hold of Crusty and started waltzing around the room with him whizzing him around. Round and round they went and Crusty was starting to feel dizzier and dizzier. His head was swimming, he was feeling nauseous again and he couldn't see straight.

"Bel, please help me Bel!"

She was right on the case, backed up by Crustian.

"Ger'off him ya nasty little turd and ger'out o' my house. Nobody invited ya and nobody bluddy well wants ya. Neh! Ya either goes of yer own accord or I'll drop kick ya like I did before, only if I do it this time I'll score a bluddy goal at Wigan Stadium! I'll kick ya that far!"

"Mercy! Don't kick me in me softies again missus. I were only having a lickle bit o' fun wi' my lickle kumquat!"

"Out you go, now! Crustian! Escort this bluddy owd sewer rat out of my house please. Ya can use my 12-bore shotgun if ya have to, or ya can borrow me rocket launcher and pur’a missile up his arse, whichever takes yer fancy!"

"I'll not be needing anything, Bel," replied Crustian, as he frog-marched Trevor through the house.

Terror spread across Trevor's face and he lunged towards the door, little legs turning into wheels as he went. Doors were opened for him on his journey out and within a few seconds he found himself outside on the gravel path, panting for breath. That was the last time Crusty ever saw Trevor.

The evening was going really well and Crusty was so happy, but unusually tired, so he sat down on Bel's settee again for a little doze, but nobody minded. They thought he looked comical sat there with his mouth open in a deep sleep. Bel gave him half an hour then went over to him and shook him gently by the shoulder, very surprised to find that there were no barm cakes in there!

"Come on owd lad. Yer missing yer party. I've organised some nice games for ya to play and they're just about to start."

No response.

"Crusty! Come on lad. Wakey, wakey! Wot's up wi' ya?"

She couldn't wake him up and alarm bells started ringing.

"Doctor Fry? Can you come and have a look at Crusty please? I can't seem to wake him up!"

"Of course, m'dear! Is it arse, feet or crusticles this time?"

"I don't think it's any of those things," replied Bel, worriedly.

Everybody went quiet when they realised that Crusty appeared to be poorly, and respectfully stood back for the doctor who came over and took his pulse, which was there, but faint and he was breathing shallowly. Then he took out his stethoscope and listened to Crusty's heart.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Oh dear, oh dear. Well I think we're going to have to call for an ambulance. Th'owd lad is very poorly an' it's nor'is arse, feet or crusticles this time for a bluddy change! He's unconscious! We'd better hurry!"

Doctor Fry had been told by Bel about what happened to Crusty in Spain, but had agreed with Crusty's version of things, until now. The ambulance arrived within ten minutes with a wailing of sirens and a flashing of blue lights. All the party-goers stood watching fearfully as Crusty was once again carted off to hospital wearing a breathing mask, Bel following in her Volvo. She told everyone to carry on with the party and left Crustian in control until she could get back.

At the hospital, he was rushed into the emergency department where a doctor attended him immediately while Bel walked the corridor in an agitated state, worried sick. They were ages taking samples of blood and doing tests of all sorts. As they were sent off to toxicology she could see by the doctor's grim face that this was serious. The next thing that happened was Crusty being hooked up to a life support machine with tubes and drips up his nose and needles stuck in his arms and hands, with wires and cables dangling from him. The doctor wrote something down on a pad and handed it to a nurse then came out to speak to Crustabel.

"I'm very sorry Miss Leekey. This isn't good news I'm afraid. Please come and sit down and I'll talk you through it!"

"What's happened doctor? What's the matter with him?"

"That's what we're attempting to find out. It's not a stroke and it's not a heart attack. Do you know of any time recently when he may have come into contact with chemicals of any kind?"

"Chemicals? No, why? What sort of chemicals?"

"We don't know, but it appears that his brain has suffered some minor distress and the probability is that it's been caused by some kind of chemical exposure, or he's inhaled something toxic! It can happen sometimes when people, not understanding chemistry, put different cleaning agents together and they blend to make a poisonous gas. A witch's brew so to speak! For example, bleach, disinfectant and other cleaning agents with certain chemicals in them, when doing some cleaning. They do it because they think they're going to get maximum effect and things will be cleaner, but sometimes the mix can create some very nasty results."

"Not possible in Crusty's case, I'm very glad to say! He's not well up on cleaning agents!"

"Well is there anything, anything at all that you can think of? We need to act swiftly if we are to save him!"

She was very afraid on hearing this.

"Well doctor, for a start, he's only got one brain cell left, ya can check that out, so that might be what you mean by it suffering some minor distress and he does fart a lot! I mean more than the average. Could it be that he's inhaled too much of that because it always smells like toxic waste? You've never smelled anything like his explosions in your life!"

The doctor laughed gently and shook his head and, in truth, Bel wasn't convinced of this either.

"No ma'am. There's something else. He's breathed in some kind of toxin and it's affecting his heart and lungs and unfortunately, it's working on his brain. If we can find out what it is then we can probably do something, but there isn't a lot of time.

"Now, I'm sorry but this is going to upset you. Mister Nibbleswick slipped into a coma about fifteen minutes ago!"

"A coma? Oh no! Oh my God! How long will he be in it?"

"There's no way of telling but sometimes ..... Well. In this particular case we're not going to hold out much hope and, as much as it may upset you, we believe that it would perhaps be best if we switched off the life support! He's a very sick man and he's not likely to survive, especially at his age!"

"You're not doing that! I'll pay private if I have to. I'll even buy the bloody hospital if I have to, but you are not switching him off!"

"The problem is that even if he does come out of the coma it's possible that he'll have no quality of life. He could be reduced to a vegetable!"

"He's always been a bloody vegetable. He's got the brains of an old turnip! Now do as I say and leave him as he is!"

"Very well Miss Leekey. We'll keep monitoring him if that's what you want."

"Hang on a minute! He did inhale a gaseous substance a few days ago! I think it could have been toxic because it was awful. He melted some plastic in his microwave and when the door opened it billowed this thick grungy yellow smoke out. It stunk bloody rotten it did. Oh my Lord! Chemistry was never my subject and it's only just dawned on me. That creates cyanide gas, doesn't it?"

The doctor's eyes flew open in understanding.

"Yes it does, and you say he breathed some of it in, only cyanide gas can be lethal?"

Tears of sadness welled up in her eyes.

"Well yes, but I took the full force of it and I'm okay. I made him run around the house and open all his windows and doors immediately it happened though, but of course he had to sleep in his house that night as well!"

"You've been very lucky, but I'm amazed that the effects have only just surfaced in him! He can't have had a large exposure to it otherwise he'd be ..... Has he been vomiting, or had headaches? Has he complained of heart pains at all?"

"Only feeling sick and dizzy, yes and headaches, but he has been very lethargic and he's been breathing funny for a few days! Most oddly though, he hasn't been eating properly and that's a sure sign that there's something wrong with him!"

Bel then told the doctor about him collapsing in Spain.

"Ah! In that case he's been quite lucky as well but I can't understand why it's taken so long to affect the brain!"

Bel could. The cyanide was probably having trouble locating it.

"Excuse me Miss Leekey. I must get onto this straight away. If you're a God fearing woman I suggest you start praying right now. We'll do everything we can to remove the toxins from his blood, but we're not going to tell you that he'll be fine. It has been several days after all. However, now that we know what we're dealing with, we can hopefully start some kind of treatment. We don't know how long he'll stay in the coma though. I am sorry. I'll let you know if there's any change!"

Tears welled up in her eyes again.

"Can I go in and see him please?"

"Yes of course you can. Try talking to him. They say it can help! I must leave you now though. If there's anything you wish to discuss, please tell the staff and they'll come and get me!"

He patted her on the shoulder and left her sitting there sobbing. A few moments later Bel steeled herself then went into the side ward that Crusty was in. Tears rolled down her face with sadness and fear as she looked down at him. He looked so pathetic. She sat down and started talking gently to him. She had no idea at all whether or not he could hear her but one thing was certain. She was going to stay by his side until there was some change of some kind.

"Reet owd lad. Your Bel's here to look after ya! It's time for yer bedtime story. Once upon a time there was a little Pigmy Prince and his name was Crusty ............."

She wondered how long it would be before she saw his piggy little eyes light up again.

If ever!

THE END?

© Mollie M
12.11.03

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Aw poor Crusty being at death's door and he wasn't conscious to know that he was in am ambulance with the sirens going What a time to be taken ill at his birthday party. No of course its not the end!!