Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Enjoyed reading that Mollie. I know where they're going

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Poor Crusty. He can't help being thick!

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

140

A Dream Comes True
(and A Death in the Family!)

They set off the next morning in a taxi immediately after breakfast, for Boulevard du Parc where the Disneyland Resort is located. Bel had already bought two tickets, so there was no need for them to queue up with everyone else trying to get in. They'd gone extra early so that they could have a full day in the land of Crusty's dreams, but she fretted thinking about what sort of mischief he might get himself into.

"Reet lad. Here we are! Come on and let's have a lovely day without you gerrin into bother, okay?"

"No probs Bel. Weer are we?"

She turned so that her body was facing him and looked down on his eight strands of hair, which stretched across his bald head in a feeble attempt at a comb-over.

"Weer's yer beret today, owd lad? I can see the lump and that bruise on't top of yer yed where I gid ya that pile driver yesterday."

"Me berrit? Oh aye! It's here in me pocket Bel. Will I pur'it on?"

"That's a good boy. Good! That looks better now. Tha' favvers bluddy weel as usual with it pulled down over yer eyebrows! Neh then owd fettler, look up at me!"

"But Bel, I allers ger’a crick in me neck when I do that 'cos yer a long way up!"

"Just do as I tell ya lad and ya'll not be disappointed!"

"Okay."

He craned up his neck with a creak until he could see up her nose, and nearly jumped out of his owd black jacket when he saw her grinning.

"Wor'at grinning like that for Bel? Tha' favvers an owd Morris Minor grille round't gob!"

She tittered at him.

"Ya wanted to know where I've brought ya owd lad, an'a wanted to be able't see yer piggy little eyes when I tell ya. Are ya ready?"

"Yis Bel. Hurry up 'cos me neck's hurting!"

"This, Crusty, is the entrance to Disneyland!!"

His eyes gleamed and his tongue lolled out, but only for a moment, then the light went out of his eyes and he started sulking again.

"It cawn't be 'cos Disneyland's in America. Even I know that Bel. Ya cawn't fool me! I know ya thinks I'm daft, burram not that bluddy daft!"

She rolled up her eyes.

"No lad. Disney World is in America, but this is Disney Land in Paris. Come on lad. Let's get goin'!"

Suddenly it dawned on him what she was saying and he beamed at her.

"Ooh, ta Bel! Canna look down now please?"

"Ya can that lad."

Creak!

They spent the full day in Disneyland and Crusty had his photo taken with Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Pluto and all the others. Bel had made sure her camera had charged up batteries, spares, and a spare card before they'd even left England, and she got a huge kick out of watching his face as he dashed all over the place, not wanting to miss one solitary thing. By the end of the day they were absolutely shattered, and he hadn't got himself into bother for once, so Bel took him to La Cantina, which is located nearby for a meal.

Surprisingly, for the last two days Crusty's table manners had improved because he'd studied his Bel while she was eating. She'd already lamped him twice at the Eiffel Tower and was worried that she'd punch him again if he didn't behave.

"Ya know Bel. It's bin a belting jaunt this has. I'll have't go in a comb more often so I can keep gerrin loads o' treats!"

"Co-ma!"

"Oh aye, coma. Mind you Bel, if I went into another coma I might not wake up next time, might I not?"

"Very true lad. It wouldn't do you any good at all, so no more talk like that. Ya'll still get treats provided ya keep out o' trouble!"

"Smashing owd girl. I thinks the world o' you ya know Bel?"

"Ya thinks the world o' me brass ya mean, y'owd fart-bag! If I were poverty stricken ya wouldn't have hung about for so long!"

"Oh, I don't know Bel. We ger'on beltin' don't we anyway?"

"Aye, as long as ya do wor'I say!"

"So, owd lass. When does this lickle jaunt end?"

"We'll be going home tomorrow lad. It were only a three day trip, burra thowt it'd make a nice little break for ya!"

"Reet then. I've enjoyed meself an awful lot. I've getten me lickle berrit and ........ oh by the way Bel. I thowt ya said ya'd buy me a French maid's outfit for me't wear at The Loaf About!"

Snicker!

"Well we'll pop to't shops in't morning before we go for our plane and I'll see worra can get ya!"


The following day was Wednesday which was going to prove to be a very long day for Crusty and Bel. At eleven thirty that morning, Crusty got back home after Bel dropped him off in her taxi.

"Ya'd best get some washing done when ya ger'in owd lad 'cos them bluddy smelly owd brown trousers o' yours stink rotten with having yer mouldy sausages in yer turn ups, and that shirt ya've had on for't last three days pongs an' all!"

"Reet Bel, will do. Ta very muchly for a lovely lickle holiday. I'll speak to ya soon owd girl. Ya can allers depend on me!"

"To do wot? Ne' mind! I'll si' thi' lad!"

Once she'd gone, Crusty decided to make a big effort and went upstairs to remove his clothes and make a load up for the washing machine. He put on his brand new pale pink candlewick bathrobe and kippers then trundled back downstairs again, loading the machine. When that was done he put the kettle on to make himself a brew, and went scavenging through his cupboards to see what food he had in.

"Mmmm! I've nor'ad stewed steak, tinned potatoes and peys for a bit so that's worrall have for me din-dins! Happen I'll open a tin o' carrots as well for a change!"

He put the food on to cook, made his brew and sat at the kitchen table reading his new Beano that had been pushed through the door by the paper boy.

An hour or so later, belly full once more, he decided to go into his living room and either put the telly on, or perhaps listen to his Macaroni and put his feet up. He decided to listen to some music, so he tuned it into that nth channel that only Crusty knows about and settled into his armchair, head back and eyes closed, listening to The Billy Cotton Band. Crusty's Macaroni only ever played really old tunes, nothing else!

"Aaah! How nice! There's nowt like a lickle bit o' peace and quiet. That's summat my Bel dun't ger’a lorrof when I'm around!"

He started to doze and then suddenly his eyes flirted open wide, fear spreading across his face.

Paaarp!

"Why is it so quiet?"

Paaarip!

He got up and walked over to Mr Blobbles' cage.

"Hiya lad. Pooh! It stunk that! Yer crappy pappy's back. Are ya having a nice lickle kip? Alreet lad. I'll not disturb ya!"

Crusty went back to his chair and fell asleep, and it was three hours later when his eyes opened again.

"Neh then! That were a nice lickle sleep! Am bluddy hungry!"

He got up and turned to go into the kitchen, but decided to have a chat with Mr Blobbles before he did so.

"Hey up Mr Blobbles! Yer not still a-kip are ya owd lad? Mr Blobbles?"

There was no sound and no movement from the cage, and Crusty became very worried about the parrot.

"I'd best see wot my Bel says about this."

He dialled her number and she answered immediately.

"Wot?"

"Hiya Bel! It's your Crusty a-caaaalling you from his lickle hallway at 13 Bakewell Drive and he's gor’a bit of a problem!"

"Reet lad! Wot's he bin up to this time?"

"Nowt! He's only had a lickle sleep for a couple of hours Bel, that's all!"

"Well wot's the problem then?"

"It's Mr Blobbles Bel. I cawn't seem't be able't wake him up out of his sleep. D'ya think he might've gone into a comb .... co-ma?"

"Listen lad an' I'll tell ya worrall do. I'll come over and see wot's up and then I'll tek ya for a pint somewhere later. How does that sound?"

"Brilliant Bel. See ya in a minute!"

"See ya later owd fettler! It'll be about six by't time I get there. I've only just pur’a load into me washing machine! I'll fetch summat wi' me for our teas though!"

"Great! Ta Bel!"

When Bel arrived she let herself in with her key and popped her head round Crusty's living room door where she saw him shaking the cage, and berating poor old Mr Blobbles for sleeping too long.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Come on Crusty! I'm here. Come and get yer fish, chips and peys in't kitchen!"

Zoooom!

You couldn't see his knife and fork in action as they were moving too fast.

Sluuurp, gulp, swallow, haaaaanch!

"I've done Bel. It were bluddy good that!"

Paaaaarip!

"I enjoyed that fish. Reet lad! Let's have a look at Mr Blobbles then!"

She peered through the bars of the cage then she straightened herself up to her full five foot eleven and a bit. When Crusty glanced up at her he saw that she was looking down at him, her bottom lip had curled down, her arms were folded and she was tapping her foot on his carpet.

"Havva done summat wrong Bel, only ya looks angry wi' me again?"

She decided to have a bit of fun with him.

"Have ya no idea at all why ya can't wake Mr Blobbles up?"

"No Bel. He was perfectly alright when we took off for France! I left him farting and swearing at me!"

"Did ya pur'any food in his bowls for him before ya went?"

"Er ...... well, he had a lickle bit left."

"And how often have ya seen him go to sleep on his bluddy back with his legs stuck up in th'air, an'is tung hanging out?"

Flinch!

She snickered silently to herself.

"Never Bel. Is it more comfy for him like that, d'ya think?"

"Probably! CRUSTY?"

He ducked down behind the settee knowing full well she was about to bellow at him again, but for the life of him he'd no idea why.

"The sodding parrot's DEAD, ya great gawping bugger! Ya didn't leave it enough bluddy grub while ya were away!"

Cringe! Paaar-up!

"D'ya mean dead dead, or just a lickle bit dead?"

"It's as dead as a bluddy dodo! It's swapped its bluddy fither wings for a nice new shimmery pair. It's gone to the big golden bird cage in the sky! If ya wants to attend ANOTHER bluddy funeral ya can have one for't parrot in yer garden! IT'S BLUDDY DEAD YA SMELLY OWD CHIMP!"

Cringe! Dribble!

He crawled out from behind the settee on all fours, and tears trickled down his poor old chops as the full significance of what she was saying penetrated through the unused cavity, which housed his solitary brain cell.

He started to sob loudly.

"Am proper sorry Bel. I never meant to kill't parrot. Am a murderer as well as an arsonist now! I were just starting't ger'on wi' him, an'ave spent all that money buying things for him as well and teaching him new words and everything. D'ya think he might've de'ed of owd age as well?"

Bel hadn't quite expected this reaction. Her face softened and she put her arm around his smelly old hairy shoulders then sat him down on the settee.

"Yis lad, he might've, 'cos he were gerrin on a bit! I don't really think ya starved him't deeth 'cos there was definitely enough food for him. I checked before we left! I'm sorry for shouting at ya! Come on now, wipe yer eyes!"

She handed him a paper hankie from her bag and he sniffled and snuffled into it.

"Wor'amma goin't do now then Bel?"

"Well lad, we'll have't bury him. Have ya gor'an owd shoebox?"

He brightened a little and blew his nose again.

"I have Bel. I've getten one in't wardrobe so I'll go an' ger'it."

He shambled off slowly, his head drooping down with sadness, and retrieved the shoebox from his bedroom. It was the one that had contained the new pair of shoes
Bel had bought him a while ago when she'd also given him his new mobile phone, and he'd kept it.

As he re-entered the living room, he saw that Bel had taken the bird from the cage, and had put its stiff little body on the coffee table.

"He looks proper peaceful dun't he Bel?"

"He does lad. Now then! Yer goin't have't let me have one of yer carrier bags to pur'im in."

Crusty blanched at the thought of using one of his precious carrier bags for the bird, but said nothing. He got one from the kitchen and as he went back into the living room again, Bel was standing up holding another paper hankie out to him way up high above her head.

"Am alreet now Bel, ta! I'll not cry any more!"

"Good lad but ya definitely need this hankie!"

"Wot fo'?"

"To wipe that bluddy great snotty bogey off yer cheek!"

"Oh sorry Bel."

He leapt up into the air a few times and on the fourth attempt, out of breath, he stood on a stool to reach the hankie at eight feet and snatched it out of her hand, then started rubbing at his face.

"There! Havva getten it?"

"Yes. Okay lad. Let's ger'on wi't job shall we?"

She put the bird into the carrier bag that Crusty had chosen. It was one of his oldest and tattiest, so he wouldn't lose too much sleep over it. Then she stuffed the large package into the small shoebox and placed the lid securely on with some tape.

"Go and get yer crayons owd lad and ya can write summat nice about him on his box!"

"Wor’a good idea!"

He lolloped over to the drawer and took out his bumper pack of crayons. He'd had these ages, but they were still going strong.

"Reet lad. You write him a nice epitaph on't top o't box!"

"Write him a wot Bel?"

"Epi ..... Put summat nice about him!"

Crusty stood there for ages with the purple crayon he had carefully chosen at the ready, but nothing would come to mind.

"I cawn't think of owt nice about him Bel. He were allers swearing and farting so wot was nice about him?"

"Gimme yer crayon here an' I'll do it!"

Bel started to write in a beautiful Gothic style and when she'd finished she showed Crusty what she'd written.

"Oh Bel. Wor’a beautiful writer you are, and it's a lovely thing to say as well. Thank you! You are so very kindlyful! Wot does it say? Will ya read it out to me?"

"Aye! Okay owd lad!"

Goodbye, Mr Blobbles, old friend
On me you were meant to depend
But now you depart
So p!ss orf you old fart
A pain in the arse to the end

Poor Mr Blobbles!

"You're good at poetry as well, Bel! So! Wot do we do now?"

"Go and get yer spade out o't shed and we'll ger’a hole dug to plant him in!"

"How often will I water him after that Bel?"

She swung a fist at him, but he ducked out of the way just in time, tittering.

"Ger'out of it ya daft sod!"

Crusty put on his owd black jacket and went for the spade. Bel dug the hole and gently placed the deceased Mr Blobbles into it.

"D'ya think we should say a prayer Bel?"

She rolled up her eyes.

"Go on then, but hurry up as it's bluddy cowd out here!"

"Dear Sir. Me lickle pal Mr Blobbles is flying up to ya now. He swears a lot, farts a lot and he's nor’a very good birdy, bur'it's nor'is fault. D'ya think ya can find a bit o' room for him in Heaven please and look after him for me till I come and take over? Ta very muchly, Haymen!"

"Amen!"

The Lord rolled up His eyes.

"Reet Bel. Shall we go for that pint now?"

"Yes lad. Did ya do some washing like I told ya?"

"Oh aye, I did. I'll just go and pur'em on't line and then we can go!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

It only took him a few minutes then he whooshed back into the living room where Bel was waiting patiently, eager for his pint.

"Reet owd lass. We can be off now! We can go and drink a toast to Mr Blobbles!"

"Well not quite yet lad as there's summat ya've forgotten yet again. This is the second time I've towd ya this within the space of a few days."

"Wot's that Bel? Worrava forgotten?"

"Ya've getten th'owd black jacket on over yer dressing gown. Go and take 'em off and put summat proper on. We cawn't go to a pub wi' you lookin' like that! Tha' favvers owd mon Moses!"

"Oops! I'd forgetten all about it again. Sorry Bel! I'll not be long!"

He came back five minutes later more suitably togged up and they got into Bel's car.

"Where d'ya want to go owd lad?"

"Dunno Bel. Wor'about the Club? We could sit in't Lounge for a drink or have a game o' bingo!"

"Good idea lad, burram nor'in't mood for bingo. Okay, out o't car then as its only walking distance!"

"Reet owd lass!"

They set off on foot and chatted on their way to the Club, which was only a five minute walk away.

"Oh! By the way owd fettler! I've sorted yer transportation problem out!"

"Brilliant. How do I go on then Bel?"

"Well ya've got yer bus pass for if ya wants to go into town and places like that, burrave arranged with Grant Taxis for you to use when ya need running somewhere urgent or somewhere unusual where't buses don't run, like my house!"

"Grant Taxis? Bur'ow do I pay taxi fares Bel?"

"Ya don't! They'll bill me once a month, so ya've no need to worry over summat like that!"

"Beltin'. Ta Bel!"

"I've nearly done working on yer car lad, so we'll see if we can ger’a decent price for it."

"Great! Maybe ickle boost me funds up a bit!"

They arrived at the Club and, as it was a Wednesday, Bel checked the Lounge to see if there was anyone in there playing bingo. It was empty so she sat Crusty in a seat then went over to the bar and ordered a pint for him and a glass of orange for herself.

"Aw Bel! Why don't ya have a pint?"

"I can't owd lad, I'm driving."

"Oh aye. Well one won't hurt will it Bel?"

"Yes, it will, now shurrup moidering. I'll have a nice glass o' wine when I ger'ome!"

"Wor'ever you say Bel. Ya know wot Bel. That were a nice funeral for Mr Blobbles. Am goin't miss him now as I were just gerrin used to him!"

"Worisit wi' you and bluddy funerals, y'owd ghoul? Where's yer mam and dad buried? Ya could allers go and visit their graves if ya ger’a sudden urge to go hovering round a bluddy owd bone orchard!"

"I cawn't remember where me dad's buried Bel, an' in any case I wouldn't ger’a free feed at me dad's grave, would I?"

She rolled her eyes up and tutted.

"Ya greedy owd sod! Well wor'about yer mam then? Is she not with him?"

Suddenly there was an announcement over the speaker in the Lounge.

"Is there anybody playing bingo in the lounge?"

Bel shouted back.

"No there's not lad! You carry on!"

"Hello! Speak to me! Is there anybody playing bingo in the lounge?"

Bel got just a little bit aggravated.

"NO THERE BLUDDY WELL ISN'T YA DEEF OWD FART, NOW SWITCH THAT SODDING THING OFF! WE'RE TRYING'T CHAT IN HERE!"

They heard no more from the Concert Room so Crusty got the opportunity of answering Bel's question.

"No Bel! I cawn't go visiting me mam's grave either!"

"Why in the world not? Is it summat to do with yer tribal rules?"

"No! Well the reason I cawn't go to me mam's grave is 'cos her's not bin buried yet Bel?"

Bel's eyes flew open in absolute shock.

"Ya wot?"

"Her's not bin buried yet Bel! Havva said summat wrong again?"

Cringe!


© Mollie M
16.02.04

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Just read this Mollie Enjoyed it as usual.

This was funny....how on earth to you come up with them!!......Wor'at grinning like that for Bel? Tha' favvers an owd Morris Minor grille round't gob!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

I dunno. It's just me daft sensa yuma.

Wor'about poor owd Mister Blobbles, and his mam?

Thanks again for reading, Marian.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

141

Crusty Relates a Strange Story
(and Bel Gets Sozzled!)

Bel stared at him for what seemed like an eternity. Her huge jaw had dropped down onto the wrought iron table with a thud, making a nasty dent in it.

"Wot d'ya mean her's not bin buried yet? Wor'ave ya done wi' her? Her's not festering away in a bluddy rockin' chair in an owd fruit cellar somewhere like bluddy Norman Bates' mam, is her?"

"Worra ya shouting at me for again? Who's Norman Bates anyway? Does he live near here? I knows a Norman Battersby. He lives at ..........."

She clipped him round the ear.

"Norman Bates out o' Psycho, ya bluddy demented owd dung heap! Wor'ave ya done with yer mam? Tell me right now!"

The bar staff and some of the committee members stopped what they were doing when Bel raised her voice. Crusty was copping it again, but this sounded very serious. They started jabbering excitedly to each other.

"Worra they on about?"

"It's summat about Crusty's mam. Bel thinks he's getten her stashed away in a cellar or summat. I wouldn't be surprised as he's daft enough. Hush! Let's listen!"

Crusty rubbed hard at his ear.

"I've done nowt wi' me mam Bel! Stop shouting at me! Everybody's looking at me again an'ave done nowt wrong!"

Bel had terrifying visions of the old lady lying in a mummified state of decay, lifeless eyeballs staring out of bony sockets. She imagined that the skin had long ago shrunk back from the skull, leaving a toothy grinning corpse with little wisps of white hair on its head and covered in cobwebs somewhere deep in Crusty's house. Was that why it always stunk rotten?

She shuddered.

"Well why hasn't she bin given a decent burial then? Weer's't getten her stashed?"

"I've not getten her stashed anywhere! It's 'cos her's not dead yet Bel! That's why her cawn't be buried! Ya cawn't go burying folk that's still alive, so stop yelling at me!"

Again she sat staring at him with her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. For once she was totally stuck for words. How could she possibly have known Crusty for all these years without knowing something like that?

The committee members were still craning their necks at the small serving hatch in the Games Room, trying to listen in to what appeared to be a real live horror story unfolding right there in front of them.

"Wot d'ya mean her's not dead?"

"I cawn't pur'it any different than that Bel! Her's not dead! Her's still alive and kicking and her's eighty years old! Don't forget Bel, she were married at eleven and Egglentine, me owd pappy, gid me to her for a pressie when she were only twelve. I visits her every now and then, especially on her birthday, bur'it's proper funny that every time I go she just happens to have gone on a trip somewhere or her's bin given sleeping pills! I've never really figured it out proper 'cos I allers ler'er know when I'm coming! Now will ya stop shouting at me please?"

If Bel hadn't been rooted to the spot she would have found his last remark extremely funny, but she was totally gob-smacked.

The committee men groaned. They thought they were going to hear something juicy, but it turned out to be nothing in the end, except to say that they did start bellowing with laughter at Crusty's statement, and Bel's face.

"Neh lissen thee! When we met up with Crispy, you said that he was yer only living relative! So! Where is yer mam then?"

"Her's in't Gables Bel, burrad forgetten all about her until I started ....."

"The Gables? In't that where ya used't go doin' yer moidering?"

"That's the one Bel. I must pay her another visit soon."

"Hang on lad. I'm gerrin meself a pint. I can't tek all this in."

"But Bel ......"

"But nowt. In fact, ne' mind about the pint. Come on you. Yer comin' home wi' me so as I can have a think an' a drink. I've a feeling I'm goin't need one 'cos you've gor’a tale to tell me!"

"Okay Bel."

She got out of her seat and stormed towards the exit door and he scampered along behind her trying to keep up with her long strides, his head hanging low. What had he done wrong this time? He felt certain there was something he'd forgotten about, but was quite sure that his Bel would enlighten him soon.

They arrived at Bel's home and, without bothering to put the car away, she frog-marched Crusty up the gravel path by the scruff and shoved him through her front door, kicking his arse as they went.

Paaarip!

"Phew, ya smelly owd bugger! Go and sit in me favourite living room while I ger'us summat to drink, and pur’a fresh log on't fire while yer there. I'm shaking like a bluddy leaf here, so I need summat to settle me nerves!"

"Reet owd lass. Is it summat I said?"

"Yis!"

Blobble!

Poor Crusty sloped quietly into Bel's favourite living room, which was the smallest one of four, placed a large log in the grate and sat down awaiting his punishment.

When Bel entered the kitchen, Palethorpe leapt up wagging his tail and his tongue was dangling and dripping, happy to see her, but all she did was pat him gently on the head, then left the room again.

Sulking, he crept back to his bed and, curling down, he put his chin on his front paws.

Sniff!

"Is Uncle Crusty here mummy?" sniff, sniff!

She came back into her living room with two large wine glasses, two bottles of wine from the fridge and a bottle of brandy. She poured Crusty a glass of wine, and for herself she poured half and half of brandy and wine! Rocket fuel!

"Reet! Neh then thee. Tell me all about it!"

"About wot Bel? Amma goin't be punished for summat 'cos I cawn't think of worrave done wrong?"

The question startled her.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Punished? No lad! I'm not goin't punish ya. Ya've done nowt wrong tharra know about. Tell me why ya've never mentioned the fact that yer mam's still alive!"

Pfffumph!

Relief!

"Ya never asked me! Okay Bel, burram not sure wot ya want me't say."

"Phew! Stop farting! When did ya shove her in an owd folks' home?"

"I didn't shove her anywhere Bel! It's where she wanted to go. It were about twenty year ago now, after Soreen de'ed - I mean left me. I found out tharra couldn't do nowt proper for meself so I went a-knocking at me mam's door one neet wi' me carrier bags full o' stinkies, an'a towd her I were moving back in!"

"And wot did she say to thar'owd lad?"

Crusty lowered his voice conspiratorially.

"Why Bel! Ya've never seen such a look o' horror on anybody's face in yer whole life! I don't know why, burra thowt her were goin't have a heart attack! Her's getten proper long hair an' it all stood up reet on end like her'd had her fingers in't sockets. Her favvered one o' them mythacological Gordon creatures!"

"Ya mean GORGON!"

"Oh reet! Bur'anyway she let me in and made me a cup o' tea while I were telling her all about it."

Bel had calmed down now, and tears had come into her eyes. Oh! No! She wasn't feeling sadness. She was doing everything she could to stop a snort of laughter coming out.

"It were a proper shame for her Bel. I'd allers thought she were quite chipper for her age, but when I said I were moving back in she told me a terrible tale Bel. Now this'll make ya skryke."

Bel tried to compose herself the best she could, barely hiding the smirk on her face.

"Go on then lad. I don't skryke easily! Tell me in yer own time!"

"Well I cawn't tell it in anybody else's time canna?"

"Ger'on wi' it!"

Smirk!

Crusty started telling her his tale in hushed tones, which made her eyes water even more. She was having a hard time keeping her face straight but she managed.

"Why Bel! During that fateful day Bel, she towd me tharra couldn't move back 'cos, the moment she clapped eyes on me again, she'd only just seconds before decided to move into an owd folks' home where they could look after her until she de'ed. Now! In't thar'a strange coincidence Bel? I were only a lad o' forty seven at the time!"

Bel covered her face with a hanky so he wouldn't be able to see her tittering and pretended to cough into it.

"She were only about fifty nine or sixty then, but she said thar'if I stopped wi' her it'd kill her off alt'gether and't doctor had towd her, only that very morning, that she only had about two weeks to live! Now! In't thar'a sad tale for ya Bel?"

Bel's eyes were swishing away and she choked back the laughter, her face getting redder and redder.

"And wot did ya say to her owd lad?"

"There were nowt much I could say, except tharra asked her wor'er were leaving me in her Will!"

"And wot did she say Crusty?"

"Well she said she weren't leaving me nowt but happy memories! Anyway, I were thar'upset I just knew I couldn't do that to her 'cos I loves me mam Bel, so I said tharrad go away again and try me bestest to look after meself. The next time I went a-caaalling on her at home a few days later, her'd disappeared and th'ouse were empty. Even't leet bulbs had gone! It took me a good twenty years to find out she'd moved into't Gables! I thowt her'd de'ed without telling me!"

"Wor’a bluddy shame. Ya poor owd bugger! Here! Let me fill yer glass again for ya owd lad, and ya can tell me more!"

"Well there's nowt else to tell. Her's bin theer all these years ever since having the time of her life! It just goes to prove that them doctors can be wrong sometimes. They said she'd only two weeks to live and that were twenty year ago!"

Bel leapt up from her chair and ran into her kitchen, making Palethorpe jump with her sudden entrance. Her stomach was killing her from holding in the laughter and, as soon as she sat down on a chair, she started her famous braying and cackling. Her face was stretched to the limit, eyes pouring with tears and she was banging her fists on the table and stamping her feet. Then she got up and started jumping about the kitchen like a kangaroo. She was in absolute fits and was having trouble controlling it.

Palethorpe covered his eyes with his paws watching his mama go into an hysterical fit!

A moment later Crusty's big nose appeared around the door and when he saw his Bel, he rushed over to assist her.

"Bel, Bel, wot's up owd lass? I towd ya me tale would make ya skryke."

He patted her on the back hoping it would make her feel better, and her teeth flew out of her mouth.

"There, there owd girl. I know it's a proper sad story in't it. Me poor owd mam!"

Bel carried on storming round the kitchen, her facial muscles totally stuck in a maniacal grin, gums now at full stretch.

She turned and slapped him hard on the back and he fell down with a thump.

"Yer poor owd m .....! Oh Crushty! That'sh the funniesht tale I've ever heard in me whole life! Weer'sh me bluddy teeth gone?"

"Didda say summat funny Bel?"

Her face started to relax at long last and she massaged her cheeks then wiped her eyes. Her face was killing her now and she was desperate for the toilet. She found her teeth, cleaned them under the tap and returned them to her mouth.

"Hang on owd lad. I'll have't go for a pee otherwise I'll wet meself! Go back in't living room and ger'another glass o' wine. I'll not be long!"

Crusty did as he was told, scampering off on all fours, and Bel used her downstairs toilet as she knew she wouldn't make it up the stairs. Once sat, her eyes watered up and she started laughing again, silently this time.

"Poor owd bugger! Worisit about him at all?"

She flushed the toilet, washed her hands and returned to Crusty who was sat sulking, glass of wine in hand.

"It weren't meant to be a funny tale Bel! How come yer allers laffing at me saddest stories?"

"Sorry lad. I'm glad yer mam's still alive! D'ya think it'd be okay if I went to visit her sometime?"

"I don't see why not Bel, but like I said, her'll probably disappear on a trip or summat!"

"Nor'if I go on me own owd lad! Come on! Let's finish this booze off shall we? I think we should celebrate."

"Good idea Bel! Worra we celebrating?"

"The fact that yer mam's still alive!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Oh aye! I'll drink to that Bel!"


About two hours later she poured herself another brandy and wine, her eighth up to now, and they were very generous measures. Suddenly she leaned over to Crusty, eyes a-twinkle, and took a huge chunk of cheek between finger and thumb and gave it a good pinch, then rattled away at his chops for a few moments, then let go, leaving nail prints.

"Ouch!"

"Where's my lickle farty-arsed owd sh!tty pigmy then, eh, hic? I could ayte ya'll up and spit out th'owd bones, hic! Yer me smelly owd barrel o' festerin' farts aren't ya, eh, eh? hic!"

"Er ..... Bel?"

"Wot, hic?"

"D'ya not think ya've had a bit too much to drink to drive me home again?"

She was getting sozzled, which was something Crusty had never seen before.

"I have that lad, hic, but don't you worry yer smelly lickle socks off about that, hic, me stinky-arsed lickle chimp. Ya can sleep upstairs again like last time PROVIDED, hic, that ya have a shower before ya ger'in me nice clean bed! Hic! Yer a crummy lickle moron aren't ya, me owd crappy-arsed owd tramp? Hic!”

"If you say so Bel. Alright, burrave no Jim and Jam to pur'on!"

She stared at him with eyes crossed and grinned lopsidedly.

"Don't you worry about that either my lickle festerin' mogwump's arse, hic! I'll lend ya one of me owd nighties for just this once, hic, then I can sling it in't bin in't morning, hic!"

"Ta Bel, only don't make me wear a lacy one this time 'cos they make me crusticles itch!"

She pulled a face in disgust.

"Hic!"

"Are ya drunk Bel?"


The next morning Crusty was up and about before his Bel, so he made his way to the kitchen for a scavenge.

"Good morning Mister Nibbleswick! I didn't know you were staying over again!"

Crusty jumped a mile. He hadn't seen Mrs Shepherd mopping the floor on the far side of Bel's huge kitchen.

"G'morning missus! Worra you doing here this early in a morning?"

"I work for Miss Leekey now doing her cleaning and making sure she gets a cooked breakfast. She's a very busy lady and sometimes doesn't have time, so I come in every day now from seven till two. She pays very good wages and I needed the money! This is a big house to clean for a busy lady. Me and Wilf might even be moving in so we can work for her permanently."

"Oh I see. Are ya making some brekkie this morning then?"

"Yes, when Miss Leekey gets up."

"Oh goody! Where's Palethorpe?"

"He's out at the back having a tinkle. Why don't you go and play with him while I get on, as you'll only ger'under me feet?"

"Okay. I'll be back for me brekkie when I smells it cooking!"

As Crusty disappeared through the back door Bel entered the kitchen, rubbing sleep out of her eyes and yawning.

"Hic! Morning Mrs Shepherd! How are you today, hic?"

"I'm fine Miss Leekey, but if you don't mind my saying so you don't look your usual bright self!"

"No, I know, hic! Between us we supped four bottles o' wine, hic, an' a bottle o' brandy last night, well it were mostly me, so I've gor’a bit of a hangover. No fried brekkie for me this morning. I'll just have some toast, cereal and juice and a BIG cup of black coffee please - hic!!"

"Will Mister Nibbleswick have the same?"

"Oh bluddy hell, HIC-IC-HIC! I'd forgetten he were still here, hic! Ouch! Me yed hurts! No! Ya'd best do him the full fry-up I suppose otherwise he'll only start squawking tharram not feeding him properly! Where is Crusty anyway, hic?"

"He's outside playing with Palethorpe!"

"Okay! I'll just go and ger’a yed warch pill and try to get rid of me hiccups before he comes back moidering, hic!"

"Breakfast will be in half an hour Miss Leekey!"

Crusty and Palethorpe were having a wonderful time outside playing with a ball again, and just as Bel sat down at the kitchen table the pair of them came zooming in through the back door, did four figure-of-eight laps of the kitchen, one round the main hall then back into the kitchen where they screeched to a halt by Bel's side.

They were both on all fours and were panting breathlessly then they looked up at Bel with big grins on their faces. Palethorpe had his ball in his mouth and Crusty had the frisbee in his.

She patted both their heads.

"Good boy Palethorpe. You go for a little lie down on yer bed. Good boy Crusty. You sit yerself down for yer brekkie! Gimme that frisbee!"

They both did as they were told and Crusty started babbling away excitedly.

"Bel, Bel ya know me an' Palethorpe, Bel? Well! We've just bin having a wonderful time running round in yer garding playing wi’ his baw and frisbee, and before ya blames me, it were Palethorpe that peed up a tree an' it were him that crapped under yer rose b ......."

"Shaaaaah-dap! Ouch! Me bluddy yed! Be quiet Crusty. I've getten't yed warch and yer making it worse!"

"Oops! Sssssh! Sorry Bel. I'll be quiet while I'm aytein' me brekkie!"

"Well thar'd make a bluddy change!"

Then he tittered.

"Have ya gor'an overhang Bel? I mean an 'angover? I know ya supped a lorra stuff last neet, so it's a good job we're nor'at work today Bel!"

"No lad and no work for you either. By the way! How are ya doing now I've cut yer hours back? I know ya never really liked working on a Saturday."

"Bur'it's not Saturday today Bel!"

"Is it not? Wot bluddy day is it then? Oh no! It's only Thursday an'ave not gone into work. Neither have you for that matter! Ne' mind! Vanda can hold the fort for me till Monday. I'll ring her in a minute then I'll ring Jim for you. Were it only yesterday we got back from Paris? It feels like ages ago! So! How is it now yer not working on a Saturday?"

"Okay Bel, but when ya cut me hours ya cut me wages as well, an'ave still not paid ya back for breaking yer window so ickle tek even longer now!"

"Don't worry about that lad. We'll call it quits now and I'll make sure ya get paid the same money as ya got before! It's only bin a week anyway!"

"Ta Bel! So! Wot's on the agenda for today then?"

"Nowt. I'm taking you home as soon as I feel fit to drive and then I've got something I have to do!"

Sulk!

"I thowt we might do summat nice together like go for a drive to Blackpool or summat!"

"Not today lad, sorry. In any case it's too cold yet and me yed's not reet, burrall take ya to Blackpool again as soon as the weather picks up. By the way! Have ya had any thoughts about when yer goin't wear yer French maid's outfit at the cafe yet?"

Mrs Shepherd stifled a giggle.

"No, not yet Bel! Am goin't have a word wi' Jim about that first!"

"Good idea lad, good idea!"

She grinned and winked at Mrs Shepherd who was tittering her head off at the sink and had her legs crossed.

Bel took one of her home cure hangover remedies and then sat Crusty in a corner of the kitchen.

"Neh lissen lad, an'a mean this. I need ya to be really, really quiet while I've getten't yed warch so you sit there and colour in nicely."

"Tal Bel. How long will it be before yer yed's better?"

"Dunno owd lad, why?"

"Well it's just tharra might get fed up o' colourin' in, so would it be okay if I went into yer television room and watched that great big massive telly ya've gor'in there? I could watch cartoons an' it'd keep me quiet!"

"Course ya can lad if that's wot ya want to do, but once that telly's turned on ya sits there and watches it except for when ya want to go for a pee. Don't start fingering all me stuff in there, okay?"

"Okay Bel. I'll be good. I promise on me honour this time!"

"Good lad!"


© Mollie M
01.03.04