Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
"Gareth!"
Whoosh!
"Yes madam. May I help you now?"
"Yes. I want to buy this little owd car here. I've looked at th'engine and it's not too bad, burra can give it a good tuning and do summat wi' it. I know it's a green one and it's an owd 'un but there's one or two modifications I want doing, and then I want you to deliver it to this address next Wednesday! D'ya think ya can manage that without making a mess of it?"
He took the piece of paper from her and studied it closely.
"Of course madam! What are the modifications though?"
She handed him another piece of paper on which she'd written her special instructions and as he read them his face turned pale.
"But madam! Are you sure this is what you want?"
"Ger'it done, or I'll go somewhere else! In any case, that's not my address as I live in a much better area than that! I'm buying the car for someone as a belated Christmas prezzie!"
"Very good madam. This will naturally add to the cost by about five hundred pounds!"
She glared at him.
"Aye alreet. It'll cost that for the re-spray at least! Now go on with you, shoo! Go away while I have another look. I might want to buy another car yet! I like buying cars as it's a hobby of mine! I'll see you in the office in a few minutes so I can pay for this one!"
The salesman tactfully withdrew and ran to his mate to show him what Bel had written down. The other salesman went into bulk laughing. He thought it was funny, but Gareth was horrified!
Once all the details had been finalised and the final cost had been totted up, Bel wrote out a cheque and paid for the car.
"Reet, neh I want ya't ring me when all me instructions have been carried out, here's the number, and I'll nip back to check it out first before it's delivered and it'd better be reet!"
With her voice still ringing in their ears she then headed back for home.
The car was to be delivered at two o'clock sharp on Wednesday. Not a moment before, nor a moment after. This had to be arranged with military precision.
The following evening Bel had promised to take Crusty to the Club for a game of bingo again, so she picked him up in her Escort at his scabby little house at eight.
"Ya know Bel, I'd sooner go riding in yer Jag. It's proper comfy, but yer Volvo and this Escort aren't so bad really. At least you've gor'a car. Tha's getten three tharra know of. Have ya gor'any more that ya don't want?"
She'd been waiting for this for a good while now and she knew just how to answer him.
"Aye, well. We're not goin't bingo in't Jag and the Volvo's too big, so this little Escort's just the job for nipping about in. I've gor'a big Land Rover as well. Ya should get yerself another little runabout Crusty. A little owd second hand one'd do for you! I'd do the engine up for you, ya know that!"
"Burrave no money Bel. I cawn't afford it, bur'at least I've getten me bus pass an'a can go anywhere wi' that without paying."
"I know lad but ya keeps gerrin on't wrong bus. One o' these days ya'll end up in bluddy Scotland or somewhere while yer trying to get to Morrison's! I'm only glad ya never set off on yer own and tried to find Mombongo. Ya could've ended up in Outer bluddy Mongolia! Then where would you have been?"
"Outer bluddy Mongolia Bel?"
They got to the Club and walked through the door. Nobody called Crusty names anymore when Bel was with him. The last time that had happened was when a couple of lads had been playing snooker and they made some comment like "hey up, owd smelly arse is here" or something like that.
Bel had taken Crusty through to the Concert Room and put him in a chair, then returned to the Games Room and, without a word, had turned the snooker table right over, green baize to the floor, so they couldn't play.
They don't call her Crustabel the Mighty for nothing!
It had taken sixteen of them to turn it upright again, but it was out of balance so they couldn't play until the following week.
That had taken the wind out of their sails!
Of course, the Club had billed her for that but she wasn't bothered. She'd got retribution for her little Crustykins and he'd no idea what she'd done. He'd just thought she'd gone to get them some drinks!
She sat down and put a pint of bitter in front of him and they chatted before the bingo started.
"Reet lad, worra ya doin' on Wednesday afternoon after work?"
"Wednesday Bel? Neh let me think! Am not sure!"
"Oh well please feel free to consult your busy social calendar. Worra ya doing on Wednesday after work y'owd duffer?"
"Nowt Bel. Is there summat ya wanted me for?"
"Well I thought I'd come round and we could play a game of tiddlywinks or summat!"
Tiddlywinks? His Bel never played tiddlywinks!
"If ya wants a game o' tiddlywiddlywinks Bel then that's wot we'll do. Are ya feeling alright?"
"Never felt better in me life!"
On Tuesday morning her mobile rang while she was at work. It was the showroom where she'd purchased the little car on Sunday and they were letting her know that her instructions had been carried out. She cleared what she was doing then jumped into the Volvo and made her way there, which only took her half an hour or so.
Gareth showed her to the funny little car and when she saw what had been done to it she curled over laughing. She brayed loudly all around the showroom, bashing people on the back and knocking them over. Her eyes were wet through.
"Why! It's a proper little treat thar'is. Just wait till he sees it. He'll be thrilled to bits!"
"Have you bought it for your grand son, madam?"
"No, I've bought it for Crusty. He's sixty-eight an'a can't wait to see him bombing about in this!"
Gareth's gob dropped open.
"You've bought this for a sixty-eight year old man to go bombing about in? I don't believe it!"
"Well ya'd better 'cos it's true! You don't know him but I do. A smellier little bag o' sh!t ya never could meet even if ya spent a week down a bluddy sewer!"
She threw her head back and gave out a gargantuan bellow, then slapped the salesman on the back. Luckily, he didn't quite fall over, but teetered around for a moment on wobbly legs before he regained his balance.
The salesman felt awful. He'd no idea this was going to make someone look daft, but he'd no choice. She was the customer and the customer is always right.
Especially when the customer is Bel!!
"Right lad. Ta very much. Neh lissen. When ya delivers it on Wednesday I want it to be wrapped up in some nice gift paper and have a big blue bow wrapped round it. Can ya do thar'as well lad?"
"But of course madam. Whatever you say, but we'll have to wrap it once it's delivered. Can you keep the new owner out of the way so it doesn't spoil the surprise?"
"Oh, you leave that with me. Now don't forget, I'll fetch the festerin' little bag o' nast out at ten past two exactly and ya'd best be gone when I do!"
Fearing what she might do to him he nodded his head wildly. He wanted to be gone as well when they came out.
-oo0oo-
Bel left the salesroom and chuckled her head off all the way back to town where she stopped off and bought some board games including tiddlywinks, snakes and ladders and a couple of others. This was the way she was going to keep him occupied and quiet.
She spent the rest of the day humming to herself and every now and then she'd snigger at the thought of Crusty's face when he saw his new toys. Then she'd burst out laughing. Bel was a very wealthy woman and could afford to play expensive practical jokes if that was what took her fancy and this most certainly did!
Because Crusty had sent her on a wild goose chase down to the Antarctic she'd devised many ways of punishing him, but this was much better. It wasn't a punishment as such because he wouldn't see the wickedness in what she'd done, but it would only be a matter of time before he realised.
The next day Crusty got home at quarter past one and did a quick flick round with a feather duster knowing that his Bel had eyes like a hawk and would detect any signs of nast. He'd made a start the day before after she'd said she was coming on Wednesday afternoon and, although it wasn't exactly spick and span, it was presentable and he'd remembered to clean his lav for a change.
He'd just put on a nice record, and the kettle to make them both a brew, when she knocked on his front door then used her key to let herself in, giving him time to cover up if he was running around in just his trollies again.
"Weer are ya Crusty? It's your Bel come a-caaaalling!"
She was having a most enjoyable time and loved taking the Mickey out of him, even if he didn't know she was doing it.
"I'm in me lickle kitchen Bel. Come through - I've made a brew!"
"Ya likes yer poetry don't ya, ya daft owd dipstick?"
"I do that Bel. It's a shame tharram nor'a good reader otherwise I'd get some books on it burrave only got me map book, me book on fly fishing and me Noddy books!"
"Ne' mind lad. It's better when you're yer own poet - don't ya know it! I'm glad ya likes Noddy though."
Snicker!
"Si' thi' later - my owd prater!"
"Are ya going already Bel? Ya've only just come!"
"No ya daft sod - yer such a clod! I were just saying summat else that rhymes - ya always appear to be behind the times!"
He snickered.
"I know one Bel, I know one. If I had a car - then I'd go far!"
They both sat back tittering their heads off then she produced the board games from a carrier bag she'd brought in. That took the smile off his face. He'd thought it was cram packed with butties, pies and barm cakes.