29-09-2017, 09:42 PM
3081
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
That’s the best belly laugh I’ve had in ages Pug, I read it out to the missus and the tears rolled down her cheeks from laughing, thanks.
Excellent rendering of a very funny true tale, well done and I’m looking forward to more tales from the crypt.
30-09-2017, 02:30 AM
3082
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
Thanks,Jem-your praise is appreciated, mate. As stated, it really, genuinely is true. As is the story of the time I had to collect four bodies from Braintree.Off I toddled, in the unmarked van we used for such duties. HOWEVER...when I arrived, they had five bodies ready for immediate collection. Now,USUALLY,that's no big deal-but I had the Vauxhall van, which had just four 'soft' cases for transportation of bodies, plus just enough space for 'two up, two down' in the back. Hmm...ok,I'm just nipping the 20 miles back to the parlour with them-so I [carefully,mindful of the reverence one must keep to the fore on such occasions] placed the fifth body-a youngish fellow who'd fallen off an electricity pylon-in the passenger seat, complete with seatbelt. Right-all in order, all paperwork sorted, all 'passengers' safe-off I set on the uneventful journey back...only to find a FEKKIN' traffic census point had been set up on the only road leading to the parlour. It was patrolled by police on motorbikes,who guided the vehicles into a coned-off area at the side of the road in a long bus-stop. "Ohhhh,f'ferk's sake!" thought meself,as I coasted into the area. A young lass came to the side window [which was down] and said to my 'passenger' "Good morning sir, would you mind answering a few questions regarding your use of this road?"I leaned over a bit and said "He can't hear you flower, can I help?" "Oh,is he ill?" she asked. "Sort of-he's been dead for five days." I replied. "DEAD?!?!?"....and yeeees,you guessed it...she disappeared below the window,plonk. Which,naturally,brought four of the officers legging it over to my van. Ok...YOU try explaining to several VERY agitated police officers why you've got a dead man in your passenger seat-ESPECIALLY as that dead man's wearing a bobble hat and sunglasses!!!! [I thought he'd attract less attention that way-boy,how wrong was I,ffs!] Ok,suddenly I'M in fkn handcuffs, the cops are going barmy, the lass with the clipboard is having hysterics, the traffic is at a total standstill....and THAT'S when the ferkin' policeman in charge decides to open the back of the van JUST as two of the corpses let rip MIGHTY farts!!! [the change in air temperature, y'see]
Ohh,BOY-we ended up with 4 police cars, a dozen police bikes, me in handcuffs, an ambulance and paramedic team for the young lady, a MIGHTY traffic-jam from the rubberneckers, plus a multiple collision RIGHT beside my van as several bemused drivers lost their attention and collided...and a dead bloke in a bobble hat and sunglasses sitting on the fekkin' pavement!!!
...and for those of you who disbelieve this story, the Essex Chronicle had front-page headlines AND full front-page coverage,so you can check it.
Bloody Norah-all I set out to do was collect four corpses & drive them quietly back to the parlour for preparation for viewing. Instead,I caused the county's longest ever traffic-jam,plus a multiple collision, plus had a CORPSE arrested as the daft fkn coppers would NOT at first believe he wasn't just drugged off his tits,PLUS caused a young lady to be taken to hospital for head injuries from hitting the pavement with her face,PLUS was charged [later dropped] with 'obstructing the police in the course of their duty' [because those two farts were MIGHTY,plus honked like horseshit soup, and the two coppers both puked wildly all over the two soft cases the corpses were in on the lower row]-I fkn TOLD the twats not to unzip those cases, but would they listen? Would they FU-anyway,finally Mike walked along the road to where we all were [Mike was the Funeral Director/Parlour Manager] and somehow got it sorted...I was uncuffed,told to 'piss off' by the boss copper...and had to ask for my dead passenger back,as he was still in his bobble hat and shades,sat on the pavement beside the cones where the coppers had placed him,ignoring us all-and the coppers had forgotten about him!!! Yep-it's all true.
[Mike never let me forget that day. I recall him mentioning it, a time or two...]
30-09-2017, 12:06 PM
3087
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
Originally Posted by spitfire
->
Not sure about that one Pug, Vauxhall Van? Surely that should have been a "Transit" Van!
nah he wanted to 'vaux all' surely not just 'tran sit' despite one sitting in the front ! yes ya either vaux them all or sit them all see what I mean.
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