Reach Out To Friends Grieving

Hi everyone, I’ve just been reading an article by Lorraine Kelly in the Sun and it really brought home to me how, no matter how well-meaning our words of comfort may sound as we relay them,, do those words of sympathy really mean anything or even manage to penetrate the grief of the one who has lost someone? It is rather a long article but please, if you can, have a read, it’s thought-provoking (enough for me to be brutally honest in saying how I believe they must really be feeling in future, rather than the usual sympathetic words.



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REACH OUT TO FRIENDS ACHING WITH GRIEF. ONE DAY YOU’LL NEED THEM.

As a nation, we are notoriously bad at knowing what to say to people who are dealing with grief.
It’s either platitudes that sound mealy-mouthed even as you utter them, such as “She’s looking down on you” or “He’s in a better place”.
Or some of us, who cannot even face seeing someone bereaved, ignore them completely and cross the street to avoid having to say anything at all.

We all have to deal with deep sorrow, and at some point, people we love dearly will die, so it’s utterly bizarre that we effectively put our fingers in our ears and go “la la la” and ignore the inevitable. Perhaps it all comes down to fear but we really need to change our attitude.

This week I spoke to TV presenter Simon Thomas, whose wife Gemma died suddenly last November after suffering from bad headaches for several weeks. She was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia and died a few days later. Gemma was just 40 years old.
Simon had to tell their eight-year old son Ethan that his mum was dead, and the two of them have been trying to cope ever since.

Everyone mourns the death of someone they have loved and adored in different ways. There’s no timetable for grief, and no “one size fits all” way to get through the whole soul-crushing experience. For Simon, the death of his wife felt like a physical illness and being in intensive care.
He decided to leave his job at Sky Sports to be with Ethan full time and they now both have an unbreakable bond.

Simon is obviously very protective of his young son, but that works both ways.
Ethan will often tell his dad that he is OK even when he is really suffering and missing his Mum, because he doesn’t want Simon to worry about him, or to add to his Dad’s pain.
He sounds like a remarkable young lad who is a credit to both of his parents.

For Simon, one of the worst things about Gemma’s death is the acute loneliness.
After he has put Ethan to bed and he is in the living room, there’s no Gemma on the sofa watching TV or just chatting about the mundane events of the day. He often breaks down when making dinner for two rather than three, or emptying the dishwasher or doing other household tasks they used to share but that he now has to do by himself.
It’s those little things that bind us together, and that we miss so very much.
Simon told me that there are those who have simply not been in touch since Gemma died. It’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they simply don’t know what to say to him and Ethan.

It was interesting to hear him say that the most comforting sympathy he received was from a woman he bumped into in the supermarket, who knew Gemma from meeting her at the school gate.
She simply told him that it was “utter crap, totally unfair and completely f*****g hellish”. And it is!.

When someone you love dies, it is utterly s**t and it does no harm to say that.
Telling a bereaved person you are sorry for their “loss” is well meaning and comes with the best possible intentions, but we “lose” car keys, credit cards and dog leads.

Those we loved are ripped from our arms and our hearts and it feels like the end of the world.
Those feelings don’t really ever go away - you just somehow learn to live with them.
We need to somehow try to make that process more bearable. So don’t avoid a devastated husband, a mother whose child has died or an elderly widow who is mourning her soulmate.
Talk to them and check in with them, because one day you will need them to comfort you.


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That article above really got through to me. I always ensure I sympathise with those suffering a loss, but am sometimes guilty of saying just that - “I’m so sorry for your loss”. - In future, I intend to be more blunt and really talk to them and tell them what they already sadly know but still probably want to hear.. Maybe that “Life is so unfair” or even “Life is an absolute vile B*****d!!” because for them, it must be the most awful, crushing, life isn’t worth living time of their lives.

What about you?

Re: Reach Out To Friends Grieving

I mentioned on another thread about the pain I felt letting others know that my wife had died. After her death, friends I had know for years avoided me like the plague, maybe because they felt embarrassed about bringing up her death?

The greatest comfort that I got was not from words but by a single act. After being dragged out to a birthday party after a few weeks of her dying, I was standing alone at the bar in a pub facing the bar when the wife of one of my remaining friends came up behind me, put both hands on my right shoulder then put her head on her hands and remained like that for a few seconds. That one single act gave me great comfort and I still fill up when remembering it.

Re: Reach Out To Friends Grieving

The last person I had to offer my condolences to was one of my friends. Her husband had died 4 months before and she'd told no one.

She just came out with it suddenly one day and of course, I was shocked. And I told her I was shocked. I also told her I didn't know what to say to her and that life is shit.

She said that my response was the best she'd had because I was honest enough to admit not knowing what to say.

However, a lot depends on the bereaved person, on whether they are the type to need the sympathy or if they're like me and my friend who don't. I was the one who felt awkward when my husband died and people offered sympathy. Both my friend and I have been in the same boat and both wanted everybody to not make a big deal of it and to allow us to deal with our grief on our own, in our own time.

Just wanted to add, I think people who have already been bereaved maybe deal with "sympathy" differently to those who maybe haven't suffered such a loss.

Re: Reach Out To Friends Grieving

I think we all handle grief differently, but there are always waves of anger, blame, being heartbroken and not knowing what to do because the person who would have helped is no longer there.

I hated opening sympathy cards, but I had to do it and they made me cry. I didn't want to cry, I wanted to try and be strong..... yet looking back, those card may have helped by those tears releasing the pressure I was under.

We can never reduce their grief, but I think it is nice just to hear that somebody cares!

Re: Reach Out To Friends Grieving

Judd, my heart goes out to you. I know that either HWMO or myself have yet to experience the inevitable. Just the thought alone makes me fill up, so God only knows how you and everyone else who have lost a wife, husband or child managed to make it through the fog of grief.

I know losing one's parents is bad enough, losing siblings is equally devastating, but a husband, wife or child is surely something so unbearable, you must surely just freeze in time with numbness. It's no wonder some cannot get through to those who are grieving. There cannot be any pain to match it.

I'm so glad you found comfort from the wife of you're friend in that selfless, kind act of solace that obviously meant a great deal to you. It must have because as you say, you have never forgotten it and it still effects you when you think about it.
As for the other "friends" who avoided you like the plague? not friends Judd, friends don't do that.

Re: Reach Out To Friends Grieving

Twink. You are obviously a very strong, brave lady and dealt with your grief in your own best way. However, after reading that article I intend to take in the advice and really talk to the bereaved rather than say the "sorry for your loss". Those words now make me think that they must slide off their backs without any meaning, they must hear the same from the church, the funeral director and other strangers who never really knew their loved one, so yes, I think it makes more sense to try to understand how they are feeling and agree with how they are feeling. Well, that's how I intend to in future.

Re: Reach Out To Friends Grieving

Hi Nicol, I get your point. You and your friend dealt with your grief in private and to yourselves. If I knew you personally I would still in future now, exactly as you so wisely did, and say it straight!

Re: Reach Out To Friends Grieving

I am fortunate not having ever felt grief. And I have never known anyone who has been grief stricken either. My aunt has lost her husband in the last month, but I gather from other family members she is more relieved than anything else.

Re: Reach Out To Friends Grieving

I hate the words " Sorry for you loss" and try to never say them.... but if it is a stranger you are saying it to, it is difficult to think of anything more personal. If it is somebody I know, I always try to say something personal, but as I said in my post, there are various stages of grieving for most people, so I try to find what stage they are at before I say anything.
When I lost a close school friend, at the age of 12, I went to her parents house to help them relive the many times they were so proud of her. Her mum said " talking to you makes me feel that we have not lost her completely" and we both cried!

Re: Reach Out To Friends Grieving

I've found that certain people (not important people) have avoided me when I've had cancer. Perhaps it reminds them of their own mortality.

The people who matter to me have been great, though.