22-09-2010, 01:24 PM
1
A few Scottish Jokes:)
Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: ‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’ ‘England,’ replied the Scot.Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean?
They found out that deep down, they’re really not so bad.
Then there were two Scots who bet a pound on who could stay under water the longest. They’ both drowned.
Jock was in London wearing his tartan when a curious lady asked if there was anything worn under the kilt.
'No madam,' he replied with a flourish. 'Everything is in perfect working order.'
23-09-2010, 06:41 PM
4
Re: A few Scottish Jokes:)
Originally Posted by Brandykins
->
Glad you liked them! Love the gifs you posted in your response
Take care
Thanks , but the ROFLMAO should be spinning not flickering ........ Dunno why it didnt come out right on here ........... Ho hum
As this seems to be a good wee Scottish joke thread please allow me to add a few of my own , if thats ok
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
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A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you
come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
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What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.
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A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
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After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
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Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
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While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Do you
think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
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What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
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What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
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How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan..
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'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
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Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for
the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
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While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
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Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make a negative
……… 'Aye right.'
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A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when
he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies..
'Aye, same as masel... )
Enjoy!
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists **
> found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
> conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
> than 100 years ago.
>
> Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English
> archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
> published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:
> **
> "English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
> have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
> communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".**
>
> One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie, Scotland, reported
> the following:
> **
> "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his park near Enzie,
> Banffshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
> found absolutely f**k all. Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years
> ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."**
>
> Just makes you proud to be a Scot!*
LOL
A Scottish farmer was out on his hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man, " Don't drink the water. It's disgusting! "
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer, 'Paid " Don't drink. Water's disgusting." Sheep poo in the water.
Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said again, "Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!"
'I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I can't understand a word you say dear boy! Can't you speak English?' said the man at the stream, in a splendid English accent.
'Oh I see', said the farmer, 'I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in........ !
............ Well done you for having the patience to teach him/her that .
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