Re: Jokes for blokes

A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were having sex when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," she said to her lover, "Into the wardrobe!"

When the husband reached the bedroom, he spotted two drinking glasses on the table and immediately became suspicious. He began searching the room and eventually discovered the man in the wardrobe.

"Who are you?" asked the husband.

"I'm an inspector from Bugzap," replied the lover.

"What are you doing in there, then?" asked the husband.

"I'm investigated a complaint regarding an infestation of moths."

"And where are your clothes?"

The lover looked down at his naked body and said, "Those little bastards!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

Woman's Own magazine has just announced their readers' car of the year 2017.....






It's a blue one.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialling numbers on his hand, like a phone, and talking into it.

The barman walks over and tells him that this is a very rough neighbourhood and that he doesn't need any trouble.

The man replies, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying my mobile."

So the barman asks him to prove it.

The man dials up a number and hands his hand to the barman. The barman talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible," says the barman, "I'd never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my work, my wife, you name it! By the way, where are the toilets?"

The barman directs him to the toilets. The man goes in and ten minutes go by and he still hasn't come out. Fearing the worst, given the rough neighbourhood, the barman goes into the toilet.

The man is spread-eagled against the wall, his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his bum.

"Oh my God!" said the barman. "Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The man turns and says, "No, no, I'm just waiting for a fax!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.



Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.



Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving .... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.



Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"



The man replies, "Yep, sure do."



Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"



"Nope, sure ain't," says the man.



Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried. "Why aren't you afraid of me?"



The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 30 years."

Re: Jokes for blokes

A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men. This, scientists say, is basically due to the fact that they change them every flaming 10 seconds or so.

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he stops at a newsagent and buys a newspaper. Before leaving, he says to the newsagent, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," says the newsagent.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling very happy.

After that, he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going, but when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no-one about, the man thinks, "What the hell," and lets her slip her hand his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

Re: Jokes for blokes

A policeman attempts to pull over a man for speeding, but he tries to outrun him.

Finally, the guy gives up and pulls over. The now pissed off policeman walks up and yells at the man, "Just what's the big idea?"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man says, "and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," says the officer.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Police are on the lookout for a cross-eyed burglar. They have stated: "If you see him peering into your front window, please warn the people next door."

Re: Jokes for blokes

A US cop catches an illegal alien by the Mexican border.

"Sorry," he says, "You know the law: you've got to go back."

The Mexican pleads with him, "No, senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeze!"

The cop says, "OK. Tell you what. I'll let you stay if you can use the words green, pink and yellow in a sentence."

The Mexican thinks for a bit, then says, "Hokay. The phone she went green, green, green, green... I pink it up and sez 'Yellow'?"