01-08-2017, 10:55 PM
273
Re: Jokes for blokes
Originally Posted by JBR
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Paramedics rescued a 40-year old man who got his manhood stuck in the vacuum cleaner.The man told the authorities that his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual. He didn't want any attachments.
02-08-2017, 05:10 PM
274
Re: Jokes for blokes
*** BREAKING NEWS ***EARTHQUAKE IN BARNSLEY
An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit Barnsley in the early hours, with the epicentre in the Town Centre area. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".
The tremor devastated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. The metro reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Barnsley. One resident - Carly Uma Nina Taite , a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Baseball caps
Full matching tracksuits
Nike Huarachi trainers
Tartan pyjamas
UGG Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Microwave meals, Pot Noodles, Tins of baked beans, ice cream, Cans of Strong Bow or Special Brew and of course pies.
22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.
£3 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£8 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
02-08-2017, 10:49 PM
277
Re: Jokes for blokes
Originally Posted by Judd
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A bloke into the florists yesterday and said "I would like a nice bunch of flowers for the wife please"The Florist replied "Certainly, are you after anything in particular"?
"Hopefully a f***" he replied
04-08-2017, 11:25 PM
278
Re: Jokes for blokes
A woman with three vaginas goes to the doctor about her embarrassing problem to ask for some help. The doctor takes a look down below and asks her to jump up on the table.She spreads her legs apart and the doctor proceeds to sew up two of the holes, leaving the middle one open.
The woman asks, "Am I cured?", and the doctor replies, "No, but it'll stop you getting shagged left, right and centre."
04-08-2017, 11:27 PM
279
Re: Jokes for blokes
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?A teacher says, "We've got to do this over and over again until we get it right."
A nurse says, "Hold still, this won't hurt a bit."
And an airline stewardess says, "Put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
05-08-2017, 11:50 PM
280
Re: Jokes for blokes
Two couples have gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, decide to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks, they succeed.Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile!
The two guys agree that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mugs the number of times they had sex with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon three times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the peanut butter.
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