Re: Jokes for blokes

A man visits his doctor suffering from premature ejaculation, the doctor suggests he tries to startle himself as he feels his, condition, about to arise, so on the way home he buys a starting pistol, the next day he's back at the doctors, " how did it go," asks the doctor, the man replies," not good, I bought a starting pistol to startle myself as you suggested, my wife and I found ourselves in the 69 position, after a few minutes I found my little problem about to surface so I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face and bit 3 inches off my penis and the next door neighbour came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air..

Re: Jokes for blokes

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my wife's body. They pulled the sheet back to show her face. "I can't be certain". I told them. The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts. "sorry I'm still not sure". They took the sheet completely off and I had a good look. "That's definitely not her, officer. My wife's at home!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

I was at the hospital today when the doctor said, "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

"I thought she was in a coma and in critical condition," I said bemused.

"She is," he replied, "but she's so fat, me and the other doctors use her like a beanbag."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Re: Jokes for blokes

One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly, out of the mist, a huge red-haired man stepped into the middle of the road. The man was about six foot three and built like a brick shithouse. He had a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, was only wearing his kilt and a tweed shirt.

At the roadside there also stood a young woman. She was absolutely beautiful. The car driver's attention was dragged from the girl when the Highlander opened the car door and dragged him from the seat on to the road.

"Right, you!" he shouted. "I want you to masturbate."

"But," stammered the driver.

"Now, or I'll bloody kill you," said the Scotsman.

So the driver turned his back on the girl, dropped his trousers and started to jerk off. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only took a few seconds.

"Right," said the Highlander, "do it again!"

"But," said the driver.

"Now!"

So the driver did it again.

"Right, do it again," demanded the Highlander.

This went on for nearly two hours. The driver had cramps in both arms and had rubbed himself raw. Despite the mist and wind, he had collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.

"Do it again," said the Highlander.

"I just can't any more. You'll just have to kill me," whimpered the man.

The Highlander looked down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.

"All right," he said. "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."

Re: Jokes for blokes

The Glasgow Royal Infirmary is fully supporting a new bill on embryo research.
Asked by religious groups and other concerned parties if they wouldn't be concerned about creating horrific mutations, and how they would handle the human/animal genetic material left over from these experiments, a spokesman for the hospital said:
"Nae bother! Sae lang as it's deep fried in batter, they'll eat anything round here."

Re: Jokes for blokes

What do you call a Scouser in a university?
Caretaker.

(I'm just going through the Scouse section of the joke book.)

Re: Jokes for blokes

There are so many boarded-up houses in Liverpool that the window cleaners go round with a sander.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Why did audiences scream so loudly at Beatles concerts?
The shock of seeing four Scousers working.

Re: Jokes for blokes

A doctor looks at recently deceased patient and asks, "What were his final words?" The nurse replies, "None, Doctor - his wife was with him to the very end."