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13-04-2018, 09:29 PM
701

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by JBR ->
You mean you start off with those words and follow up by rattling out all sorts of blasphemous phrases for half an hour or so.

Sounds reasonable.
I even make some up on the spot.
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14-04-2018, 05:08 PM
702

Re: Jokes for blokes

Found this on my old jokes website and deleting it as it's not really PC in 2018. But still made me smile!

  1. Lift up the front and have a good hard look.
  2. Check the spare tyre and any handles.
  3. Make sure the top can come down and look good in the summer.
  4. Are the bodywork and lines to your liking.
  5. Ensure it response well when you are in the driving seat.
  6. Fit a child lock.
  7. Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.
  8. Ensure sole ownership.
  9. If possible test drive several times before committing to ownership.
  10. Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down….
  11. and that it is easy to control.
  12. Ensure that no joy rider can get their hands on it.
  13. See if the coil needs replacing.
  14. Watch out for any nasty emissions.
  15. Keep all leather accessories in order.
  16. For your own safety never attempt to handle when drunk.
  17. Never let your friends have a go.
  18. German models - tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent brief usage.
  19. Italian models - are very responsive but change hands often and often make worrying noises.
  20. American models - tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
  21. British models - especially the attractive ones, are hard to find and expensive to maintain.
  22. Swedish models - are usually versatile and safe.
  23. Japanese models - are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.
  24. French models - are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.
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14-04-2018, 07:28 PM
703

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by effingpot ->
Found this on my old jokes website and deleting it as it's not really PC in 2018. But still made me smile!

  1. Lift up the front and have a good hard look.
  2. Check the spare tyre and any handles.
  3. Make sure the top can come down and look good in the summer.
  4. Are the bodywork and lines to your liking.
  5. Ensure it response well when you are in the driving seat.
  6. Fit a child lock.
  7. Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.
  8. Ensure sole ownership.
  9. If possible test drive several times before committing to ownership.
  10. Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down….
  11. and that it is easy to control.
  12. Ensure that no joy rider can get their hands on it.
  13. See if the coil needs replacing.
  14. Watch out for any nasty emissions.
  15. Keep all leather accessories in order.
  16. For your own safety never attempt to handle when drunk.
  17. Never let your friends have a go.
  18. German models - tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent brief usage.
  19. Italian models - are very responsive but change hands often and often make worrying noises.
  20. American models - tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
  21. British models - especially the attractive ones, are hard to find and expensive to maintain.
  22. Swedish models - are usually versatile and safe.
  23. Japanese models - are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.
  24. French models - are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.
These are all concerning cars, of course...

...aren't they?
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15-04-2018, 02:52 AM
704

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by JBR ->
Flexibility of the word '****'

Sexual: "Let's ****"
Mischief: "Let's **** with them"
Aggression: "Let's **** them up"
Anger: "**** you!"
Regret: "**** me!"
Resignation: "Oh, **** it!"
Surprise: "Holy ****!"
Puzzlement: "What the ****?"
Greeting: "How the **** are you?"
Fraud: "I got ****ed over"
Identification: "Who the **** are you?"
Philosophical: "Who gives a ****?"
Compliment: "She's so ****ing beautiful"
Confusion: "Where the **** are we?"
Wonder: "What the **** is that?"
Amazement: "How the **** did he do that?"
Threat: "Don't **** with me!"
Realisation: "I ****ing knew it!"

So many different applications!

Actually, it is a word I very rarely use. In fact probably only when I've hit my finger with a hammer or something similar ("****ing Jesus").
what was the Mayor of Horishomos last question??

wot the xxxx was that??
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15-04-2018, 09:43 AM
705

Re: Jokes for blokes

A blonde gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. "How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears. "**** me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"
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15-04-2018, 10:17 AM
706

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by gumbud ->
A blonde gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. "How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears. "**** me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"
Poor blondes. They are always the butt of someone's joke.

Actually, Marge maintains that she is blonde...
well, mousey.
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16-04-2018, 06:41 PM
707

Re: Jokes for blokes

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex Plus and Clean House 2018. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every sixth week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Porsche 911 or Mercedes Estate hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother In Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2018, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2018, it tends to delete all of Money before uninstalling itself.

Please advise ASAP Technical Support urgently required.
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16-04-2018, 06:54 PM
708

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by effingpot ->
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother In Law, which can't be turned off.
I have exactly the same problem!
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