Re: Jokes for blokes

There are two different processes for our perception of sight: Colour and Shape.

Apparently, men have a faster sensory capability for shape than women and conversely women with colour over men. Amazing.

Along with muscle grouping and proteins this helps men to have an edge over women in sporting abilities, impressive reflexes and split second decisions. By contrast colour helps women decide whose socks are whose when they come out of the wash.

Re: Jokes for blokes

One day, Timmy comes home early from school, and walks inside to see his mum on top of his dad – both naked. Timmy just stares, confused as to what they’re doing.

The mum says, “Timmy? Go to your room, I’ll be up in a bit.”

So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mum comes up and sits down next to him.

She asks, “Timmy, what did you see?”

Timmy replies, “I saw you and dad naked, and you were on top of him, bouncing up and down.”

So, Timmy’s mum thinks about what to tell him, since she has to go grocery shopping and doesn’t have the time to explain sex right now. Then, an idea comes to her mind.

“Is that all you saw, you have no idea what we were doing?”

“That’s all I saw and I have no idea.”

“Well Timmy, when you get older like your father and me, you need to exercise. When your father’s belly gets too big and full of air, we get naked and I go on top of your father. Then I push my hands on his gut, bouncing up and down to take all the air out to make him skinny again.”

Timmy starts laughing, so his puzzled mother asks him, “What’s so funny?”

Still giggling, he says, “That’s not going to work! Every time you’re gone, the babysitter just blows him back up again.”

Re: Jokes for blokes

“That’s not going to work! Every time you’re gone, the babysitter just blows him back up again.”

Re: Jokes for blokes

On the day of a certain royal wedding, the bride was getting dressed surrounded by all of her family, and she suddenly realised that she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic ensued until her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to the bride for the day.

Unfortunately, they were too small and by the time the festivities were over, her feet were in agony. When she and her new husband withdrew to her room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the royal family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually, they heard the husband say, "God, that was tight!"

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise they heard the husband's voice, "Right, now for the other one."

More grunting and straining followed and, at last, "My God! That was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Prince Phillip and Prince Harry are dining in one of London's top restaurants.

The waiter comes over and asks what they would like to order.

"I'll have two rare steaks, my good fellow," said Phillip.

Waiter: "Does sir mean two bloody steaks?"

Phillip: "Yes, quite right, old chap. Two bloody steaks."

Harry: "And plenty of fooking chips!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

Prince Charles arrived at Accrington on an official visit. When he got out of the car, the mayor was surprised to see the Charles had a red animal skin on his head with a bushy tail hanging down the back.

Keeping a straight face, he asked the prince what the headgear was for.

Prince Charles replied, "Oh, Mummy told me to wear it. When she asked, at breakfast, where I was going today, I told her 'Accrington', and she said, 'Accrington? Wear the fox hat!'"

Re: Jokes for blokes

The Queen was visiting a hospital and stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying there.

"What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man.

"I got a wart on my balls," he replied, much to the consternation of the nurses. One of the nurses immediately rushed over to him.

"You can't say that to the Queen!" the nurse whispered.

"Well, what should I have said, then?" replied the patient.

"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answered the nurse.

Two months later, Princess Anne was visiting the same hospital and just happened to pass the same bed with the same man in it.

"What is wrong with you, sir?" asked the princess.

"Er... I have a bruise on my back," replied the man.

"Oh," the princess answered. "I'm so glad that your balls are better... I'll tell the Queen."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Three London surgeons were playing golf together and discussing operations they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in London. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I re-attached them and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I re-attached them and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon then said, "You are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head on into a train travelling at 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's blond mane and a big arse. Now she's the Duchess of Cornwall."

Re: Jokes for blokes

JBR - That's the chance of any honours coming your way up the spout.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Joking apart, the honours system is completely meaningless these days, or rather, honours are bestowed on those who pay for them or for politically correct reasons.

If I were to be offered an 'honour', I'd refuse it...

unless, of course, it was Knight of the Garter. I might accept that.