Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

These were Crusty's first songs to be sung in front of his Crustabel. They wouldn't be the last, but the time would come when he would wish that they had been.

He was one of the worst singers anyone had ever heard but because he was so bad, it was hilarious to most people.

But not to Crustabel, as you shall find out in later chapters!

He was going to live to regret this, in no uncertain terms.

His last song was Bean Martin's "That's Amore" and Crusty sang it something like this:

"Oom pah pah, oom pah pah, oom pah pah, ooooh:"

"When .... the .... moon hits your eye like a big prater pie
I want moray ....
(the crowd: "I want moray")
When the cake that you bake keeps your eyes wide awake
I want moray ....
(I want moray)
I've a wish, for a lickle fish, on me plate, I can't wait
I'm .... so hungry
It's a thing you can't beat, when I eat eat eat eat
I want moray ..."

....... and so it went on, and on. He didn't know the words to any of the songs so he just made them up as he went along. At each chorus he would gesture to the crowd for them to sing along with him. And they did!

The crowd were totally ecstatic!

Suddenly, a custard pie flew through the air at him. He caught it and stuffed it in his mouth. They all started throwing pies, sausages and other food at him. He only dropped one. Somebody even threw a cabbage at him.

He caught everything slung at him and stuffed his pockets, still singing! Didn't Manchester United need a new goalie? He'd have been perfect as long as they were playing footy with pies or barm cakes! There would have been no goals scored with Crusty in the net.

However, one member of the crowd could stand it no longer.

"Vill you plis shut up. Ve have vays of shutting you up!"

He was a big beefy German lad with mussels in his eyebrows. He jumped up on stage and wrestled Crusty to the stage floor. Crusty thought it was a joke and carried on singing .... "I've a wish, for a lickle fish, on me plate .... " so the German lad boxed his ears for him till his eyes watered.

At the end of his "spot" he bowed low and thanked everyone for the kind gifts of food. He told them nothing would get left and he packed everything more neatly into the carrier bag he'd retrieved from his pocket.

The Police arrived shortly after that.

Now that's entertainment!

-oo0oo-

Crustabel dragged him back to their apartment and locked him in for the rest of the evening. He couldn't even behave himself singing. Crusty could still hear the crowd cheering him from there.

"Am sorry if I showed y'up Bel. I didn't mean it!"

"Tha' sounded bluddy weel. Ya've getten a voice thar'ad seep through six inch concrete!"

"Amma nor'a good singer then?"

"No, yer singing's crap!"

They were catching their plane the next day and they couldn't do that if he got himself arrested for causing an affray so they watched television for the rest of the evening. She made him sit there through an old war film, which he liked, called "The Buns of Navarone".

Next morning, bags in hand, Crusty and Bel descended the stairs for their last breakfast in Skoffenburg.

The dining room was quieter than normal so they enjoyed chatting to each other, and eating.

At last, it was time to go! The taxi was booked and stood at the front of the building.

They went through the doors and immediately a huge crowd started cheering. It was unprecedented for a tourist, but Crusty had made his mark, again!

He waved to them all and kept bowing and clicking his heels in German fashion. He'd have kept that up all day if it hadn't been for Crustabel.

She snatched him by the collar and kicked him up the arse to get into the taxi.

He was still waving and bowing so she picked him up by the jacket and britches and, head pointing forward, propelled him into the waiting vehicle. Big woman our Crustabel don't forget.

"Auf Wiedersehn Crusty," waved the crowd.

"I've wee'd again," shouted Crusty to the crowd.

Finally, they were underway.

They drove in silence to the airport. Crusty was still waving and grinning at the cheering crowds who had lined the streets, the length and breadth of Skoffenburg.

They'd never see his like again.

© Mollie M
01.08.01

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

"I've wee'd again" (took me a minute or two to cotton on)

Brilliant Mollie

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Thanks lass. You'll get used to his daft way of speaking.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

"OBJ1 calling OBJ4 - what is your position over?"
"OBJ4 to OBJ1 - am hiding in the airing cupboard."
"OBJ1 to OBJ4 - hold your position!"
OBJ had seen Crusty look and it quivered with fright! Oh no - not again. For gawd's sake choose one of the others for a change.
Hilarious Mollie

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Just caught up with his latest antics Mollie, Crusty never fails to make me laugh. We used to have a terrible singer in our local, he's now in that great big local in the sky, anyway when it came his turn to sing he used to say, "What's your favourite song and I'll ruin it for you." And believe me he did.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Everybody knows a Crusty in one form or another!

Will put another chapter on tomorrow night, but thank you for reading my feeble efforts. It's much appreciated.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

16

Crusty Goes Home
(and Nearly Starts a Epidemic!)


She finally managed to get him on the plane and buckled him into his seat. Some of the passengers had been at the Skoffenburg Bier Fest and recognised Crusty at once.

Before the plane was even in the air he'd started to show off again. He decided they'd all have a sing-song, but almost as soon as they started, the Captain came over on the speakers.

"I would like to ask you all to be a little quieter, and would the man with the voice like a duck-billed platypus please stop singing as the flight control systems are having a bad reaction to it and are going haywire!"

All went quiet and people then just chatted in their normal voices, except for Crusty that is and Crustabel was getting very frustrated with him.

She eventually blew her stack when a young lady from the cabin crew walked by and Crusty asked her for a glass of water whilst one of his hands was resting on her bum.

That was it! Crustabel told him to unbuckle and shift as she needed to go to the loo and, on doing so she purposely stamped her size nines down hard on his left foot.

"Ouch. Wor'ava done now?"

Eyes watering, Crusty squealed in pain and tried to get hold of his foot. Not easy that when you're sat in a plane seat and you also happen to be 68 years old with a big belly. So he got out of his seat and hobbled up and down the aisle a couple of times to make sure it wasn't broken. He was trying to walk normally, but because he was in so much pain he looked like he was trying to play hop-scotch as he went!

Once back in his seat, Crusty was quiet for the rest of the journey home. That had cured him, for now.

The plane landed at about ten thirty that morning and they went to collect their bags from the carousel. Crusty missed his twice and, instead of waiting for it to come round again he'd tried to chase after it. The other passengers were delighted at his antics.

"How are ya supposed't catch these bluddy things!"

Crustabel told him if he didn't behave she'd stamp on his other foot. He behaved.

It was raining when they got outside (what else) and they trudged over to where he'd left his car in a perfectly legal parking area and, naturally, where you didn't have to pay.

"Weer's me car? It's bin pinched!"

Now what?

Just then they saw a Policeman on foot patrol. It is an usual sight I know these days but Crusty was so pleased to see him. He called the officer over and explained to him that his car had been stolen whilst he was out of the country.

"Right sir. I'll take some details!"

The officer took out his notepad and wrote everything down. Crusty was getting excitable again and the officer told him to calm down.

With his radio the Policeman called in the theft giving details of the licence plate and last known location. A voice came back asking him if he could speak privately. The officer moved a few yards over so that the older couple couldn't hear what was being said. They were all getting wet through by now.

The officer was on his radio quite some time and Crusty was getting worried. His face grim, the officer came back over to Crusty.

"Well sir, it appears that the Police have towed your car away!"

"But why?"

"Well apparently, toward the middle of last week when the car had been standing there for a few days without moving, a lady living in one of the nearby houses phoned the Police thinking the car had already been stolen but, not only that, there was a funny smell coming from it!"

? ?

"The Police arrived with sniffer dogs sir, and the highly trained dogs had set about their job with their handlers, but the poor dogs had ended up being taken to the Vet's wearing gas masks for doggy counselling - they had suffered a terrible trauma once the car doors had been opened."

? ?

Crusty couldn't understand what the hell the Policeman was going on about.

"Apparently sir, it was so bad they had had to impound the car for further investigation and had called upon forensics to find the cause of the smell!"

"I cawn't get me yed round this. Wor'appended?"

"Well sir, wearing special breathing equipment and suits they had set about their grim task, almost expecting to find a rotting corpse or something. They examined the outside of the car first by removing hub caps etc."

Crusty was getting really worried.

"Wot did they find?"

"Nothing,sir! They checked the inside of the car, down the backs of seats, in the boot, under the bonnet and under the carpets. They had to remove many of the car's working parts as well to do a complete job."

"And did they find owt?"

"No sir, nothing. The last place they looked was inside the glove compartment. Isn't it always the way sir? It was a good job they were wearing special breathing equipment too, otherwise they'd have quickly sunk into deep comas for a very long time."

The Policeman continued to tell the pair the tale and they were getting even wetter now. The rain dripped off the end of Crusty's big nose and off the end of Crustabel's jutting jaw.

But back to the Police report.

"The forensic investigators, doing a thorough job, eventually found the cause. There they were sir, in the glove compartment."

"Wot were it?"

"It was a pair of your smelly old socks sir which had turned green and had fur growing on them AND an equally mouldy old cheese sandwich!"

"Oh is thar'all? That's normal!"

Apparently the smell had been so horrendous that when they'd opened the glove box the other investigators, not suitably togged up, had recoiled from the stench, which had hit them like a Force Nine Gale. One of them threw up!

The investigators had bagged the offending items and placed them in a vacuum-sealed container. They were then to be transferred elsewhere and placed in a lead lined box and then thrown into the sea.

If these things had been released into the world they could have had an epidemic on their hands by now! Expert scientists had said that there was bacterium there that they'd never seen before and was unknown in the scientific world.

However, they were to study it for chemical and biological warfare whilst in a controlled environment. They had been an unusual strain which could have mutated into a lethal virus. All life could have ceased to exist, as we know it.

Crusty was very dis-chuffed!! A perfectly good pair of socks, and a butty that he could probably have got a few more nibbles out of, thrown away! He couldn't believe they'd gone to all that trouble. He was crustificated!

Crustabel was so embarrassed she turned on Crusty.

"Neh then si' thi', look wot ya've gor'us into ya nasty owd gobsh!te!"

"It's not my fault. It were only a pair o' socks and an owd cheyse butty."

"Well in future, keep yer bluddy car clean!"

"Okay, sorry ossifer!"

She was prodding and poking him whilst remonstrating with him and the Police officer had to calm her down this time.

It cost him more to get that car out of the pound than it would have cost if he'd paid for them to taxi to and from the airport. The whole planet would have been safer come to think of it. When he got in, even he had to admit there was a funny smell in it, but couldn't put his finger on what it was.

After their investigations, the Police had had the car valeted and, on his return, the smell that Crusty thought was a funny one was actually the smell of CLEAN! The two young men who had been assigned to do the valeting though had had to have a week off work afterwards, thereby losing a week's wages. The experience had left them deeply disturbed.

That'll teach him. Or will it!

Of all the lessons Crusty had been taught throughout the pages of these tales, he had yet to learn from one of them.

© Mollie M
03.08.01

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

17

Crustabel Gets Mad
(and OBJ Plans a Strategy!)


Poor old Crusty-kins!

I know I keep saying that, and I also know that he brings these things upon himself, but there was never another man alive that gets into the scrapes he does. If it hadn't been for Crustabel he'd have ended up in jail ages ago through his own stupidity!

Well anyway, eventually he and Crustabel drove home in his old rust-bucket once he'd got it out of the Police Pound. I say eventually because they'd virtually taken it apart but hadn't put it back together, but had done the valeting inside. Crusty was at a loss as to what to do next.

"Wockle I do now Bel? I cawn't afford a mechanic to come and re-build the car!"

"Ger'out o't road ya daft owd dipstick. I'll do it!"

Crusty was impressed.

She rolled up her sleeves and got stuck in by replacing the wheels, hub caps etc. She put the battery back in, connected up the radiator and hoses, replaced the cylinder head and re-connected the manifold. Lastly, she replaced the exhaust system which they'd taken off as well.

The Police had allowed her to use their garage and tools so, once she'd squeezed herself under the car and into the inspection pit, it was plain sailing for her. The pit was outside though with two inches of water at the bottom so she still got very, very wet.

And where was Crustykins while she was doing all the work?

Sitting in the bleedin' car listening to his beloved radio and getting dry! At least he'd been kind enough to lend her his snack-a-mac but it only fitted where it touched as she was much bigger than him.

Two hours later, sweating like a pig and panting like a dog, she'd finished. She removed the snack-a-mac and, still soaking wet through, heaved herself into the car.

Ah. That was better. She was knackered, sweaty and dirty now. She put on her seat belt.

"Reet Crusty we can ger'on our way now!"

No reply!

She looked at him. She stared at him. She got within a half inch of his nose.

"Crusty? Crusty!"

"Whaaaaaah, wossup!"

She nearly killed him. Whilst she was out there in the pouring rain putting the car back together and getting p!ss wet through, he'd fallen asleep.

"Ya bluddy sod" she screamed at him. "Ya'll pay for this!"

"Whaaaaah! Wossup?" he wailed again.

"Wossup? I'll bluddy give ya wossup!"

She jumped (?) out of the car and went round to the driver's side and, opening the car door, heaved him out and dumped him on the garage floor. Jumped (?) back into the car, started it and moved off.

"Wossup? Wor'ava gone and done now?" he said again, rubbing his eyes from sleep as he watched the car disappear from the garage. Up on his feet now he started sprinting trying to catch her up.

She'd only gone up the road and just round a corner then stopped to wait for him.

She looked into her rear view mirror.

"Here he comes, lolloping up the road as fast as his skinny little legs can carry him, tongue dangling out as usual! Hey up, I never noticed thar'e'ad bandy legs before now, nor'even when he were wearing them lederhosen. He couldn't stop a bluddy pig in an entry!"

He went to the driver's side. She'd locked it. He went to the passenger door and tried to get in. She'd locked it. He ran-tanned on the window, to no avail. She just sat there staring straight ahead.

"Come on Bel, I'm gerrin' weet through here."

Crustabel didn't even flinch.

"Oh are ya now? Tough! Ya'll be even wetter by the time I've finished with you, ya little sh!thead!"

She let him get a bit wetter, enough for the rain to start dripping off his nose again, then unlocked the passenger door and he got in.

"Ya know Bel, this is my car and really I should be driving."

"D'ya want to walk all that way home to Wigan?"

"No Bel."

They didn't speak all the way home. He still didn't know what he'd done wrong.

Back at 13 Bakewell Drive she phoned for a taxi to take herself and her luggage home and while she waited she put the kettle on. He was about to ask her for fifty pence to cover the cost of the phone call but checked himself just in time.

He sat quietly, for once.

What a rotten end to a brilliant holiday.

The Germans would have loved this.

Crusty was worried. He'd really upset Bel now. He'd started calling her Bel whilst on holiday as their names, being so similar had caused a lot of confusion. She hadn't minded him calling her Bel. In fact, she said, she quite liked it.

He'd gone upstairs to get out of his wet clothing. He'd catch his death if he sat here in them. Off came OBJ1. Crusty tried to stand it up in its corner but it kept falling down as it had gone limp from the rain. Crusty was upset that it had got wet. It would take him ages to get it back into Crusty shape again. OBJ1 was elated! It felt nice and fresh for a change.

-oo0oo-

OBJ1 had made a decision that, now it was mobile and had learned to move into hiding positions it might perhaps try to make it to the bathroom!

Why?

Well, if it could just get itself to the bathroom it might, just might, be able to jump into the toilet to rinse itself off. It had thought about this for a long time but there was a down side.

Even if it managed to get into the toilet and shimmy around in the water, how was it going to get out again? AND how could it be absolutely sure that the loo had been flushed the last time it had been used, once it had slid in. No! There were too many iffs and buts, but it would think of something.

It couldn't put its plan into action yet. Not until it had worked out a strategy, but meanwhile it would keep trying to inch its way closer and closer to the bathroom for practice runs.

What he was going to have to do was get the other three OBJs together and see if they would help him by creating an OBJ chain. That might work.

Never mind, he would call a summit meeting in the morning and see if they could work something out between them.

-oo0oo-

Crusty crawled out of his pit the following morning, warm as toast! He hadn't really slept all that well because he and Crustabel had parted with her still being angry with him.
He was just wondering if he'd blown it with her yet again when the phone rang.

It was Crustabel!

"Oh hiya Bel. I were just thinking about you. Are ya still angry wi' me?"

"No I'm nor'angry wi' ya now burra do expect an apology about the car!"

"I am sorry Bel and ickle never happen again."

"Darn straight it won't!"

"Canna see ya later then Bel?"

"No ya can't. Not this week in fact!"

Crusty was disappointed.

"Why not?"

"Because ya wore me out that much in Germany I'm going to me cottage in Cornwall for a week's rest!"

Her cottage in Cornwall?

"I didn't know ya had a cottage in Cornwall. Canna come wi' ya?"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! I need a week on me own to ger'over yer bluddy antics in Skoffenburg!"

He knew she was a woman of some substance and she'd told him that her husband had been a bully, but when he died he left her everything, so she wasn't short of a few bob. Apparently they'd bought the cottage years ago as a retreat from the rat race.

Crusty was devastated.

"Okay then. I hope ya havva nice time an' I'll see ya when ya gets back! Will ya be warm enough though 'cos it's November now and it's started gerrin a bit cowd!"

She was touched by his concern.

"Don't worry owd lad. I'll be okay as I've gor'an excellent central heating system in me cottage."

Before she'd hung up though, Crusty had secured the phone number and area of Cornwall where the cottage was.

Bude!

"Will ya ring me as soon as ya gets theer so I'll know ya've arrived safely?"

"I will that owd lad!"

"Okay, bye".

"Bye".

Within the hour she was on the motorway. She hadn't bothered unpacking her cases. She would just throw everything into the washer when she got there and then she could relax in peace!!!

And if you believe that, you haven't been reading these stories properly!

© Mollie M
03.08.01

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Very good Mollie, I'm enjoying reading these.

Is there really somebody like Crusty out there!?

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)

Ya mean somebody with nasty toilet habits, someone who doesn't wash, somebody who eats like a pig? Yep, there is indeed, although I'm not sure they'd get into the scrapes that Crusty does. That's just my over-active imagination!