Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

129

A Clean Start?
(or Just More Dirty Laundry!)

Crispy and Flora had both turned round to face the Crusty, and all hell had let loose when he saw another person with his face on. He'd zoomed off behind Bel's sofa, where he hid shaking. His Bel had told him not to be scared, but Crusty had never seen his own reflection when there was no mirror there before, except for when he'd been abducted years before!

They heard him mumbling and sobbing at the same time from behind the couch.

There is a thing that you can do
Whenever yer feeling frikky
Ya jumps in bed and covers up yer yed
And ...........

"Crusty come out o' there lad. Come on! Your Bel's here and she'll not let anything happen to ya!"

He came out slowly on all fours, his eyes bobbing out of his head with the most horrendous look of terror Bel had ever seen. He'd never looked so scared even when she'd threatened to give him a pasting.

"Bel, Bel, help me Bel. Why's that man got my face on Bel? Amma being abducticated again?"

"No luv. Come on. Your Bel's here and she'll look after ya. I always do, don't I?"

Poor Crispy and Flora were totally gob-smacked at this performance from what partially resembled another human being. Crusty stood up, stuck his thumb in his mouth and started rocking on his ankles, and bobbing up and down on his knees.

"Right, that's better. Now then Crusty, I want you to meet Crispy, and this is his wife Flora!"

Crusty's eyes watered up in merriment.

"Crispy? Wor’a daft name! I thowt Flora was some margarine! Tha's not getten a sister called Utterly Butterly have ya?"

Bel smiled sweetly whilst gritting her teeth at the same time.

"Don't be rude Crusty. Come and say hello to Crispy and his nice wife!"

Crusty held out his hand then, thinking better of it, wiped it down his trouser leg first to get rid of the grunge then held it out again.

"How do! I'm Crusty and I'm very pleased to meet ya!"

Bel's eyes widened in disbelief at the courteousness of his manner. In turn Crispy held out his hand and shook Crusty's, with a grin on his face.

"How do you do Crusty, old boy? This is a bit of a turn up for the book isn't it?"

"Wot book? Am nor’a very good reader! How come ya've got me face on though? Bel! Amma wearing somebody else's face today, while he's getten mine on? I've not looked in't mirror today yet 'cos I forgot to have a shave!"

"Don't be daft. Ya've still got yer own face on lad."

"Oh! Wor’a bluddy shame! So there's two of us wi' a face like a pig's arse then, is there?"

Bel blushed and "playfully" punched Crusty in the arm.

"Ouch, thar'urt!"

Crusty then stuck his thumb back into his mouth and circumnavigated Crispy with a grin.

"Bel, Bel, he's even getten a big fat bally an' a fat arse like me too. We favver Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee!"

"Stop being rude Crusty!"

"Sorry Bel. Sorry Mister Crispy!"

"Now listen, and pay attention Crusty. This gentleman's name is Crispian Crunchworth Gobblesford-Nibbleswick!"

Crusty started tittering.

"Crispy Crunchie Gobblesford? His name's as daft as mine in't it Bel? Hang on a minute! Did ya just say Nibbleswick? Does this mean that yer me long lost pappy?"

"Crusty! Yer pappy's dead, remember?"

Tears welled up in his sad old eyes, remembering.

"Oh aye, I'd forgetten. So who's this man then Bel? Is he a hippopotamus?"

Her eyes watered with laughter.

"No he's not a hippopotamus lad, and he's nor'an impostor either but, well that's what we're here to find out!"

Just then the door opened and Mrs Shepherd announced that dinner was served, so they all moved into the dining room and took their seats. Bel had already warned Crispy and Flora what Crusty's eating habits were like, but she hoped that he'd try to remember his manners for once.
Mrs Shepherd wheeled in the hot clear soup on a trolley and placed a bowl in front of each person. Crusty was about to grab his bun as he'd been served first, but the look Bel gave him told him to wait, so he stuck his thumb in his mouth again until the last person was served.

"Bon appetite, ladies and gentlemen!"

"Ta Missus Shepherd. Buns a pair o' teeth to you an' all!"

He ripped his bread roll into two and slapped butter on thickly while the Gobblesford-Nibbleswicks looked on in astonishment.

Dip, dip!

Sluuurp, sluuurp!

Hanch, hanch!

"Crusty! Try not to make any of yer noises please lad!"

"Oh aye. Sorry about that. I'll try to slurp a bit quieter!"

As soon as they'd finished the soup, Mrs Shepherd came and cleared the bowls away, and Crusty stood his knife and fork on end waiting for the next course.

Crispy started off the conversation.

"So Crusty! Why do you think we both have the same face?"

"Yeh, I've bin thinkin' about that, and d'ya know worra think? I think that when God was going through His face book, He decided to give me this face first 'cos it were't worst one He had, and then He must've forgot all about using it once and He gid you the exact same face by mistake!"

Bel cringed with embarrassment but her eyes watered up again.

"Ahem! Yes, well, I suppose that's one explanation. Would you like to hear my version of things Crusty, old boy?"

Their main course was delivered right then, and before Crusty answered the question, he sat drooling over the food in front of him. He grabbed hold of the thick fillet steak in one hand and started gnawing on it, and picked up a spear of asparagus with the other.

"Gara-gara-hanch! Yis, please tell me wot ya thinks - grumph!"

"Do you know something Bel? I don't believe we've ever sat down to dinner with a pig before!"

"Oh! Am not just a pig, amma Bel? Amma cross between a pig an' a ...........!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"I am sorry. Crusty! Stop making pig noises. Now I'm warning you if you make any more I'll ......"

"Sorry Bel, sorry. Am proper sorry. I'll behave meself! Wot's your explanation then, Mister Crispy?"

"Well put yer food back on yer plate and use yer knife and fork like I've taught ya!"

"Reet owd lass!"

Crispy then got the chance of answering Crusty's question.

"Well old boy, it would seem to me that we both come from the same family, although watching you is a little hard to believe!"

Crusty leapt up from his chair, steak in hand again, and zoomed all around the room making the curtains fly up.

"Ya means yer from Mombongo? Bel, Bel, he's from Mombongo! He's from't same tribe as me!"

"No he's not, now shurrup, sit down and listen!"

"No, sorry old boy, I'm not from Mombongo. What was your father's name?"

"Egglentine Eggremont Mafeking Nibbleswick!"

"Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. What was your grandfather's name?"

"Grandbappy!"

They all looked at each other.

"Oh, ya means his proper born name! I think his name were Egg ... summat. Oh, I knows, it were Egbert like Egbert from't Club!"

"Well now. My grandfather, whose name was also Eggremont, had a twin brother by the name of Egbert who ran away to sea, so that makes us sort of cousins Crusty. What do you think about that, old boy?"

"Well why couldn't ya ger’a different face from me then? How come ya've getten't same features?"

"Because we're from the same family! It's like Bel here. Do you have brothers or sisters Bel?"

"Yeh, I've gor’a twin brother Crustian and although we're not identical, ya can tell that we're brother and sister."

"Now do you understand Crusty?"

"I suppose so .......... boip!"

He'd just finished his main course and was greedily awaiting his afters, when a thought came into the primeval mush, otherwise known as Crusty's brain cell.

"Hang on a bit! We cawn't be related to one another!"

Bel stared at him, as did the other two, as it was blatantly obvious they were related.

"Wot d'ya mean ya daft owd ..... sorry! Wot d'ya mean Crusty? Of course you and Crispy are related!"

He dug his heels in, his bottom lip came down and he crossed his arms as far across his belly as they'd reach.

"Can't be!"

"Why's that then old boy. Look, come with me to this mirror and have a look. Tell me what you see."

He followed Crispy over to the enormous mirror over Bel's mantlepiece, and they both stared into it. Crusty's eyes welled up with tears then he hung his head low and started sobbing again. Crispy turned to look at Bel, not understanding what the problem was this time, so Bel went over and stood in between them.

"Neh then lad, is that any better?"

A huge grin came across Crusty's chimpy chops, and his tongue dangled out.

"Yeh, ta Bel. With there being two faces exactertackerly like mine, I didn't know which one was me, burra can tell now that you're here! Yer allers theer't help me out aren't ya Bel!"

She patted him on top of the head.

Crispy continued to stare at the double reflection in the mirror at Crusty then he looked at Bel.

"Is he kidding Bel?"

"Oh no! He's serious aren't ya owd ........ wot's up wi' ya now? Yer not goin't start skrykin' are ya?"

His bottom lip had started to tremble again.

"Well I can see now Bel that we look exactertackerly alike, so how come I'm daft and Mister Crispy's not? That's why we can't be related!"

"Come and sit down owd lad, and I'll try to explain things to ya. Come on luv!"

Crispy was very worried about Crusty's reactions and really had no idea what to make of it, but only because he'd only just met the Crusty for the first time in his life. It was true to say that he felt distinctly uncomfortable in Crusty's presence.

Bel sat him down on the sofa next to her, and Crispy and Flora sat on the sofa opposite.

"Now then I'm goin' to tell ya a story."

"Like Max Bygraves?"

"No! Like a bedtime story!"

"Bur'it's not bedtime yet!"

"It dun't matter. I can tell you a story anyway, can't I? Ya likes me telling ya stories don't ya, me owd fruit bat?"

"Yis Bel."

Crispy and Flora were absolutely riveted and they were beginning to realise that poor old Crusty wasn't quite a full shilling. While Crusty was hunched up at the side of her, Bel put her arm round his shoulders and gently began to explain.

"Wor'appened was this. Once upon a time long, long ago, Crusty's grandbappy Egbert and Mister Crispy's grandbappy Eggremont were twin brothers, and they lived together happily for many years. Then, for some reason, Grandbappy Egbert joined that pierate ship and sailed off to faraway lands, never to be seen again. But we all know now that he ended up in Mombongo, where Crusty's pappy Egglentine Egremont Mafekin was born and then years later Crusty was born. But Crispy's Grandbappy Eggremont stayed in England, where eventually Mister Crispy was born. As time went by, and both grandbappies died, the families just went their own separate ways, unaware of each other until yesterday when I bumped into Mister Crispy, fingering the ladies underwear in Marks! Are ya with me so far me owd dumpling?"

Sleepily, Crusty nodded his head.

Up to now Flora had hardly said a word, but all of a sudden her face went bright red and she yelled out.

"Ya found him doing wot? Worrava towd ya before about that, ya dirty owd bugger? I thowt ya'd stopped dressing up in women's clothes!"

"Ssssh Flora. I didn't want anybody to know about that!"

"Sorry Flora luv! He said he was buying ya summat nice for yer birthday!"

"Ya lying owd ditch rat! Ya've never bought me undies in yer miserable life! Yer too bluddy tight fisted!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

So he and Crusty did have something in common!

With that, her lip curled down as she folded her arms and started tapping her size five on the carpet! Crusty started tittering. His Bel did that!

"Ya mean ya dresses up in ladies' clothes, like as a fancy dress outfit?"

Crispy started spluttering.

"Only occasionally, old boy. It doesn't do anybody any harm, and it can be quite fun! I'm sure we all like to dress up occasionally!"

"Oh yeh. I loves dressing up in me different outfits don't I Bel?"

"Yes lad, but only for goin' to fancy dress parties, that's all!"

"But wor'else would anybody want to get dressed up in an outfit for? There's no poink unless yer goin' to a party!"

"Don't start bluddy oinking 'cos I'll .........."

Bel didn't get the chance to reply properly as Flora was on her feet now.

"Aye! An' it wouldn't be so bad if ya'd stopped in th'ouse made up like bluddy Dame Edna Everage, burra could've de'ed when I caught ya on't bluddy bus like that wearing one o' me best frocks and powderin' yer bluddy nose, and purrin some of me lipstick on wi' everybody staring at ya!"

Bel was stifling a giggle.

Crusty started snorting.

"Gentlemen, Flora, please. Let me get back to Crusty's bedtime story!"

They all ruffled their feathers then sat back. Flora's face was like stone, and Crispy's face was crimson from embarrassment.

"Anyway, like I said. I bumped into Mister Crispy quite by accident owd lad, an'a thought it were you so I grabbed his lug, ya know like I do at you? ....."

He nodded.

"..... then I tried to tug him out o't shop. It were only when he spoke tharra realised thar'it weren't my Crusty, but somebody who looked just like him! Well! Ya can imagine worra felt like. Anyway, we gor'agate chatting and that's when I found out he was a member of the Nibbleswick family. I couldn't believe it so I asked him if he and his wife would like to .........."

“Oink, schnort, mumble,” fart!

“Oink, schnort, mumble,” fart!

"He's not fallen asleep, has he Bel?"

"Yeh, it allers happens when I tell him his bedtime story, burra didn't think he'd just drop off like that. I'll waken him up again!"

She shook him gently by the throat, and his eyes popped open again.

"Mornin' Bel! Is it time for me brekkie? Oh, am still here. Sorry for falling asleep on ya!"

"That's alright owd lad. So, now do you understand about yer family? They all lived happily ever after!"

"Yis Bel, burra do have a question."

"Wot's that owd lad?"

"Well, if ya remembers me poem tharra read out to ya a bit back, King and Mambo weren't me real mam and dad and that King had found me and gid me to Mambo to keep as a pressie. D'ya remember? I weren't the bestest pressie she'd ever had though! She'd've sooner had a nice bockle o' scent!"

"That's true owd lad. I do have an explanation for that though!"

"Wot's that then Bel?"

"Well it would seem that King was yer real daddy, but he'd been a bit naughty with one of the other tribal ladies and she was yer real mama, bur'as soon as she saw ya, she didn't want ya so King pretended he'd found ya, and kept ya for himself and Mambo. So King was yer real Nibbleswick pappy after all!"

With tears rolling down his face, he got up and trundled over to where Crispy was sitting.

"Am proper sorry, Mister Crispy!"

"What for old boy?"

"For being yer relative. I know it's embarrasskink for ya bur'it's not my fault tharram a pigmy!"

"A pigmy?"

Bel leapt off the sofa and dragged Crusty back, with her arm around his throat.

"What does he mean Bel? What makes him think that he's a pigmy?"

"Well it's 'cos amma cross between a ......."

Bel's huge hand closed over Crusty's huge mouth, and she turned and smiled at her guests.

"Enough talk for now! It's just a little nickname I've got for him, that's all! We've still got our desserts to eat. Please, let's go back to the table shall we? Come on owd lad for chocolate and cream!"

His eyes lit up again with greed.

"Ta Bel!"

While they were eating, Bel was beginning to thank her lucky stars that she'd met Crusty instead of Crispy. Daftness she could put up with, but a cross-dresser? No! Not our Bel! She likes to be the feminine half!

"Bel?"

"Yes owd lad, worisit?"

"Will ya buy me a frock for me birthday?"

The look she gave him almost froze him to the spot.


After they'd finished their desserts, and because Crispy's dirty laundry had been aired, he and Flora made a hasty retreat promising faithfully to get in touch with Crusty in the not too distant. Crusty was depressed again. He'd found his one and only distant relative that wasn't dead, and he didn't want to know him. He could tell.

Bel knew it was going to take him weeks to shake this mood off, so she decided to cheer him up again. One morning a couple of Saturdays later, she called round to see him, but forgot to knock before she used her key to get in. There he was in his living room, which was turning grungy again, sat on the couch wearing his Bel's wispy harem outfit that she'd used in Iraq all that time ago, and he was surrounded with clouds of purple see-through chiffon material with pretty silver spangles.

He hadn't heard her come in as he'd switched off his hearing aid, and she was just about to bellow abuse at him when she realised he was sobbing his poor old heart out. She came round the back of the settee and when he saw her he leapt up like a scared rabbit. He fumbled about then switched his hearing aid on.

"Hiya Bel! I didn't know ya was coming to see me today! Ya should've phoned me first!"

"Ya wouldn't've heard it ya daft owd dipstick 'cos ya had yer hearing aid switched off again!"

"Oh aye! Worisit ya wants me for? I were just trying me harem outfit on, but ya never altered it like ya said ya was going to do! It needs a bit of a nip an'a tuck here and there!"

"I know, sorry lad. Ya can take it off in a minute and I'll take it home wi' me. I'll do it for ya tomorrow night, okay?"

"Ta Bel!"

"Wot's to do owd lad? Ya looks depressed again."

"Am alreet Bel. It's just tharra wish Mister Crispy'd ger'in touch again. I liked him a lot, an' he looked as if he had a few quid stashed away!"

"That's all you're bluddy-well interested in in't it? Ya just wanted to keep in touch wi' him for his money ya bluddy owd mercenary!"

"Sorry Bel bur'it's just tharrave never had any relatives before, excepting for our Sam and me mam!"

She bit her lip knowing that Sam wasn't his son and that, apart from herself, he was totally alone in the world.

"Ne' mind owd lad. Ya've got your Bel haven't ya?"

"It's a good job an' all Bel. If it weren't for you, I'd have nobody at all in the whole wide world!"

All together now!

Wor’a bluddy shame!

"Ne' mind owd lad. I've come to have a chat wi' ya about summat that'll bring a grin to them chimpy owd chops o' yours!"

"Worisit Bel?"

"How's about a little trip somewhere nice for a week?"

His face glowed with happiness and his grin was as wide and cavernous as the Channel Tunnel. Then his teeth dropped out!

"Ta Bel! When do we go?"


© Mollie M
20.10.03

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Enjoyed that Mollie and there's me thinking that Crispy was normal That was funny Crusty wanting Bel to be next to him when looking in the mirror as he couldn't tell who was who! Wonder where Bel is taking him

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Cheers, Marian.

Some comical, but sad times ahead now for Crusty and Bel.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Just caught up with the last two chapters - what a good read Mollie

Fancy Crusty having a relative that looks like him

Also, have to say, love the term "hecky pecky" - might start using that myself

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Ah, thanks so much, Carmen. Have you never heard "hecky pecky" before? Maybe it's mainly a Lancashire or Yorkshire term, but it's a great expression.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

130

Something Fishy Going On?
(and Crusty Does Something Alarming!)

She sat down next to him, feeling a little uncomfortable with him wearing purple chiffon and only Good Old Stinky on underneath. Sniffy and Whiffy were also once again at full wallop, but she didn't chastise him this time and held her breath instead.

His mouth was all crumpled from crying and it looked worse because his teeth had fallen out and he hadn't put them back yet.

"Go and take yer harem outfit off lad. I'll feel better talking to ya in yer normal clothes and pur’a pair o' shoes on as well. Yer feet stink again!"

"Okay Bel."

He disappeared, then ten minutes later he was back more suitably attired, and sat down next to her with a thump.

"Now then! First off, why haven't ya gone into work today? I called in at the caff and Jim said ya'd phoned in poorly. That's why I've popped round!"

Sniff, sniff!

"Well, am not really poorly, Bel burra didn't feel like it thish morning, sho I shtopped in bed for an exshtra hour!"

"Oh I see. As long as yer okay."

"Sho Bel. Wor'ave ya gor'in mind for our nexsht jaunt then? Will we go to Walesh again or Shkoffenburg or Dallash?"

"Shove yer teeth back into yer yed first and then I'll tell ya me plan. I'm not talking to you while ya've no choppers in!"

"Oopsh! I'd forgetten about me gnashersh. Shorry Bel."

He picked his teeth up off the carpet and put them back into his mouth, forgetting to brush the grit and fluff off first.

Bel grimaced at him.

"Ya nasty bugger! Go and ger'em washed under't tap!"

He flew out of his chair and rushed into the kitchen where she heard the tap being turned on at full force. He swished them quickly under the water and rushed back again in his eagerness to hear of his Bel's latest plans, dripping wet through.

"Wor'ave ya gone and done now ya daft owd ditch rat? How come yer half drowned when ya can't abide water?"

Sniff, sniff!

"I know. I turned't tap on too full an' it splashed all down me shirt front! Ne' mind that! Go on Bel, tell us wot ya've gor'in mind. Am all exciticated now!"

"Well, how d'ya fancy a week in Spain owd lad? The weather's gerrin a bit cold now so it'd be nice't have a bit o' sun on our backs before winter sets in again."

"Wor’a brilliant idea Bel. You allers have beltin' ideas you do!"

"I know. It's 'cos I'm clever and you're not!"

Sniff, sniff!

"Thackle be why! So, when do we go then?"

"Dunno yet owd lad. I'll have to make some arrangements, burrall let ya know as soon as it's been planned!"

"Ta Bel! Bel?"

"Wot lad?"

"Ya know a bit back when ya cleaned me bedroom for me after me Crustbuster had leckocuted me?"

"Yeh, wor'about it?"

"Well I've kept me bedroom nice and tidy and clean, an'a wondered if ya'd do summat with me in there!"

She eyed him with suspicion.

Sniff, sniff!

"Worra ya trying't get me in yer bedroom for, and wot's that funny smell? Yer nor'avin' naughty thoughts are ya owd lad, 'cos if y'are ya'll end up wi' a bluddy good hiding?"

"Such as wot Bel? There's nor’a lot ya can do in a bedroom apart from sleeping is there?"

Whew! Relief!

"No. Not really owd lad! Well worisit ya want me to do with ya in yer bedroom then?"

"Well I wondered if ya'd help me sort me clothes out, only I think some of me stuff's a bit past their best, burra need ya to cast yer eye over 'em."

A bit past their best?

"Alreet lad. No time like the present. Come on and we'll ger'it done now."

Sniff, sniff!

"Ta!"

They trundled upstairs and Bel pushed the door open to Crusty's bedroom, wrinkling up her nose for the expected pong like the last time she'd been in there; however, there was none. It smelled clean for a change.

"Ya have been keeping busy haven't ya lad? This room smells sweeter than it normally does."

"Yeh well after t'other neet when I farted an'a followed through .... well, you remember Bel .... I opened all't winders like I told ya and then I went round with an aerosol an' since then it's kept itself clean!"

"Okay, let's start in yer wardrobe then. I take it there are some things in there?"

"Yis Bel."

She opened the wardrobe doors and that's where it had been hiding and festering away.

"Bluddy hell! Wor’a bluddy stink! I didn't think for one minute that the bluddy smell would've disappeared out o't window! It's seeped in here for a hide!"

"No Bel. It's not the same smell, honest!"

"When it saw thee coming wi't aerosol it crawled into't bluddy wardrobe waiting for a chance't ambush somebody!!"

"I didn't know pongs could do that Bel!"

"Yours can. Now then, wot's this bluddy owd thing rottin' on this hanger?"

"It's me de-mob suit Bel. Don't ya recognise it?"

Sniff, sniff!

"Oh aye. Crusty! Tha' stinks again!"

"Wor'of this time? I've had a wash an' I've even put clean clothes on!"

"Aye! Bur'ow long hast had moth balls in them bluddy nasty owd trousers ya've getten on?"

He took them out of his pocket.

"Oh! Is that wot they are? I wondered wot these were. I just thowt they were for playing pops with! Funnily enough when I first saw 'em I thowt they were lickle mint imperials an'a tried eating one, bur'it tasted bluddy horrible!"

"Ya dippy owd dodo!"

They sorted through all his clothes and Bel piled a great heap in the corner for throwing away. Oh, don't worry! Not the OBJ's corner. He stood there as usual watching what they were doing, and suddenly Bel noticed him.

"Just look at that poor owd OBJ! Just look at him standing theer all on his own stiff as a bluddy board and bored bluddy stiff again. He's covered in fluff and cobwebs! Where's his little mates these days?"

"Well, I've getten Sniffy and Whiffy on me lickle feet. Th'owd brown trousers are running round somewhere on their own and don't forget about poor old Jim and Jam! They gor'all that paint over 'em a bit back when I were painting me bedroom so I had to throw 'em away. It were a bluddy shame! We had a special ceremony and we all said goodbye to 'em Bel, like at a funeral! I wore me owd black jacket as a sign o' respect!"

"Tha' gets dafter every day. A bluddy funeral for a pair o' stinkin' owd pyjamas? Wor'ever next?"

Sniff, sniff!

Paaarp!

Sniff, sniff!

"Sorry Bel. Hey! It didn't stink that one did it?"

"Come't think of it, yer reet owd lad. It didn't. That makes a bluddy change!"

They carried on sorting in silence for a while then Bel spoke, making Crusty jump.

"Sorry lad. Didn't mean't make ya jump! I were just thinking. D'ya still go doing yer moidering at th'owd folks' home?"

"No Bel, there's no poink!"

"Why not? I thought it were a proper nice thing for ya't do!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"I know but the problem was it got so as when I got there in th'afternoons there were nobody theer for me't moider. It were like a ghost ship Bel. After't first few times tharra went, they started zooming off on their Zimmer frames when they saw me, like I told ya, bur'it ended up when there were just a couple of owd men that couldn't ger'out o' bed, so I'd go a-moidering them telling 'em me tales, burra couple o' days later I spotted 'em limpin' off when they saw me coming again!"

"Well I'm not really surprised owd lad!"

"They called couldn't ger'up out o' bed, bur'it were like a miracle Bel like in one o' them Bible stories! I think I managed't cure 'em somehow! Then a day or two after that there were nobody at all. I searched the place high and low for somebody't moider, burra were told by a lickle nurse that they'd all decided to go out every afternoon for some fresh air so me services were no longer required."

Wor’a bluddy shame!

Bel was in tears laughing but Crusty couldn't see the joke.

Sniff, sniff!

"Ne' mind owd lad. Yer heart were in't reet place! Crusty I know ya got rid o' them moth balls but tha' still stinks o' summat. Wor'else have ya got stashed away in yer nasty owd pants?"

His eyes gleamed.

"Well I'll show ya Bel, but ya'll have't look t'other way while I ger'it out!"

"Er ... don't bother. If it's worra think it is ya don't need! I don't want ya waving Mister Floppy everywhere!"

"Bel! D'ya really think I'd get Mister Floppy out? That's not woritis!"

She turned her back on him.

"Well worisit then ya smelly owd fart?"

She heard his trouser zip go down and sensed he was fumbling about inside his pants and she wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Getten it! Look Bel, this is wor'ickle be!"

She turned slowly and when she saw what he held in his hands her eyes flew out of her head.

"Wot the bluddy hell are ya doing wi' thar'in yer pants ya filthy owd bugger?"

"Well somebody towd me that they used't wear these in th'owden days so I thowt I'd gi' it a try. That big fat King the Eighth used't wear one. It's me piece o' cod!"

"Ya gormless, gawpin', gallopin' owd gobsh!te! I know wot yer on about though! The things that they wore in th'owden days were called cod pieces, but they weren't made out of a bluddy owd cod's yed! No wonder tha' stinks!" she bellowed at him.

"Well it's supposed to protect Winky and Weeny Bel, bur'it were bluddy cowd when I first wrapped it round me crusticles straight from't fridge every morning, so I just left it on under Good Owd Stinky! I didn't think ya'd notice!"

"Ya pur'it in yer fridge overnight wi' all yer food, ya dirty owd sod when it's bin wrapped round yer nasty owd danglies? Anyway, wot's it supposed to protect yer softies from anyway?" she continued yelling.

"Well you for a start, when ya kicks me in me crusticles!"

She tutted and rolled her eyes back into her head.

"That bluddy thing won't protect ya from me or owt else ya great gawpin' .... Who've ya bin talking to?"

"Only Faggie, Aggie and Maggie Bel. It were about a fortnight ago in't caff when I were rushing round an'a bumped me do-dahs on't corner of a table. Brought tears to me eyes it did, an'a were doubled over for ages 'cos it were a proper sharp corner. They towd me I should wear a cod piece to cover 'em up for protection! Like I said, at first I pur'it in me fridge every night when I took it off but, 'cos it were so cowd in a morning, I decided to just leave it where it was!"

"And how long have ya had it in yer knickers fo'?"

"Oh, only about a week an' a bit Bel, that's all!"

"Ya dirty owd sod! They were just making bluddy fun of ya again. Ya allers fall for it every time! Hook, line and bluddy stinker! And did they tell ya wor’a cod piece was?"

"Well it seemed obvious to me Bel, so I went to't fish shop after work and gor’a cod's yed. I cleaned it out first and gid it a rinse under't tap an' it fits perfect Bel! Didda do wrong again Bel?"

She tutted.

"Ya never learns do ya? Tha's getten a bluddy owd cod's yed tucked away inside Good Owd Stinky and yer lucky kipper in yer pocket. Wot do you think?"

"Sorry Bel. Will I get rid of it now then?"

"It would be the wisest move right now owd lad!"

"Ya know Bel. Am gerrin a bit hungry! It must be time for din-dins!"

"Wor'else is new?"

"Shall I nip downstairs and ger'us summat ready t'ayte."

"I don't want anything that's been festering at the side o' that bluddy owd cod's yed from yer fridge. In any case, how many times have I told you not to cook for me?"

"I know, burra just thowt I'd do us a Snot Poodle a-piece. That's not really cooking, is it Bel and they've not bin in me fridge? I'll get rid o't cod's yed first though"

"Well I don't think even you could do any harm to a Sn .... Pot Noodle! Go on then. I'll have a chicken and mushroom and make sure ya throw that bluddy owd cod's yed in't dustbin!"

"Reet Bel. I'll not be long. I'll give ya a shout in a bit!"

"Reet lad!"

He scampered off happily down the stairs, threw the cod's head away and got the Pot Noodles out. Twenty five minutes went by and Crusty still hadn't called up to her so, rolling her eyes up, she decided to go down and see what mischief he'd got himself into this time. He wasn't in the kitchen so she stuck her head through the living room door and found him dozing on the couch with his mouth wide open and snorting.

Sniff, sniff!

"Crusty. I thought you were making us some Pot Noodles to eat!"

"Gaaaramph! Wot? Oh, hiya Bel. I just thowt I'd have a minute while the Snot Poodles were a-doing!"

"Well they must be ready by now. Come on into't kitchen lad and we'll ger'em etten in there!"

"Reet owd lass. Am on me way. Am bluddy hungry!"

Bel was in the kitchen first and could smell something else funny.

Sniff, sniff!

"Wot's that smell? It's horrible Bel! Oh! It rhymes that!"

"Shaddup with yer bluddy poetry! Wor'ave ya done wi't Pot Noodles? I can't see 'em anywhere!"

He stuck his thumb in his mouth. She was getting angry with him again, he could tell. Suddenly she realised that the microwave had been switched on and she rushed over to it, turning it off.

"Wor'in God's name have ya done ya moronic owd barrel o' festerin' turds. Yer not supposed to microwave bluddy Pot Noodles ya daft sod!"

When she opened the door of the appliance a thick dirty yellow smoke started billowing out of the microwave right into Bel's face. It seemed impossible for so much smoke to be contained in such a small confined space. She drew her head back quickly but she'd managed to swallow a little of the smoke then she held her breath. The smell of dried food and melted plastic mingled to form the kind of stinging that brought tears to their eyes.

"Crusty! Hurry up lad. Get yer back door and yer window opened, quick as ya can!"

"Okay Bel, sorry Bel. Worrava gone and done this time?"

The kitchen was thick with smoke and his newly installed smoke detector started sounding. So did Crusty!

Paaarp, paaarp!

Blaah, blaah!

Paaarp, paaarp!

Blaah, blaah!

First thing first, she gave Crusty a belt round the ear for farting then secondly she reached up and gave the smoke detector a belt to shut it up. Silence reigned, but the smoke wasn't clearing. It drifted all round the house so Crusty scuttled around every room opening every window he could find. He even found some that he'd forgotten about.

He suddenly zoomed back into the kitchen and she grabbed him by the scruff and marched him outside into the back garden where they could at last gulp in some fresh air. They were both choking on the smoke and their eyes were still streaming and stinging so she clod him into a patio chair and he sat hunched up with different tears rolling down his face.

"Me eyes hurt Bel!"

"It'll be more than yer bluddy eyes that'll be hurtin' in a bit!"

"Mercy Bel. Please don't hit me. I were only tryin't make us some nice Snot Poodles for our din-dins. Wot did I do wrong this time?"

"Crusty. I thought ya'd made 'em before otherwise I wouldn't've trusted ya this time! Yer supposed't boil a bluddy kettle and pour boiling water on 'em, not nuke 'em to bluddy deeth! They're not micro-waveable ya daft looking sod! Ya've nearly blown yer bluddy microwave to Kingdom Come!"

"I didn't know. Sorry Bel. Will I go an' try again? I've still getten two left."

"Ya can't go back into't kitchen yet lad. That bluddy smoke might choke ya! On second thoughts ..... How long did ya pur'em in for?"

"Only twenty minutes Bel!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Yer not safe't be left on yer own you. It's a wonder ya've not killt yerself before now!"

"I know! It's cowd out here Bel!"

"Well there's nowt we can do about it until that smoke clears and it might take a while! In fact, yer house'll stink of it for hours!"

"Have we gor'any alternatives then Bel?"

"Shurrup and let me have a think! Oh, by the way. Have ya still getten yer asteroids?"

He beamed happily.

"No Bel. Me bum's all better now!"

"Oh good. I'm glad about that!"

"Why?"

Without answering she snatched him up out of the chair and kicked him up the arse with her boot then clod him back again.

"Ouch! Thar'urt. Wot were that for?"

"That's yer punishment for micro-waving them Pot Noodles. Think yerself bluddy lucky tharrave let ya off so lightly!"

"Oh reet, ta Bel!"

"Come on. I'll tek ya to't KFC for a feed while yer house clears o' smoke. It'll be better than just sitting here doin' nowt an' it'll be warmer too."

Z o o o o o m!

He was waiting at the car before Bel had got out of her chair.

"Worra ya standing there for? We're not goin' in't car. It's only a little walk an' it'll do us both good to get some fresh air into our lungs. Come on!"

Sulk!

They walked the short distance to the local KFC and Bel sat Crusty down where his tongue dangled out and spread across the table. She came back with boxes full of crispy fried chicken, chips, dips and drinks, and Crusty made a start by grabbing a big handful of chips.

"Ya know summat Bel. Slobber! I've never been in here before. Grumph! It's bluddy good this grub in't it? Gaaaa-ranch!"

"It is lad an' it's nor’a bit greasy like ya get in some o' these sort o' places! Neh slow down wi' yer bluddy hanching and stop making them pig noises."

"Sorry Bel. It's nice and warm in here too. Neh then owd lass. Have ya made any arrangements yet for our jaunt to Spain?"

"Ya only asked me that a couple of hours ago! It'll not tek me long to make arrangements so we'll see if we can go in a few days. I'll make it right with Jim at the cafe again for ya and then, when we come back, it'll only be a day or two off our birthdays!"

"Oh aye! Worra ya gerrin me for me birthday this year Bel?"

"Well lad. You can have anything you want. Anything at all!"

His eyes lit up.

"Anything Bel?"

"Anything owd lad. Just as long as it's not summat daft! Now wot d'ya fancy this year?"

"A big party Bel, only ickle have't be at your house!"

"A big party? Who were ya reckoning on inviting to my house?"

"All me mates! Everybody I know Bel. We could invite Faggie, Aggie and Maggie, Jim and Roy and them from the caff, Alfred the Geek, Billy and Frankie and - everybody!"

"Well lad thar'd tek some organising so I'd best get cracking as soon as I get home so as it'll be done before we go away!"

"Ta Bel!"

"Yer very welcome owd lad. I'll make ya the finest party ya've ever known."

"Am looking forward to it Bel. Ya never knows, it could be me last one. Ya've got to start thinkin' about things like that at my age!"

"Don't be so bluddy daft. Didn't God tell ya thar'He only wanted ya up there in 2020?"

"He did that Bel, bur'He might change His mind if He can think o' summat He needs me for!"

"Wot would God possibly want YOU for? Ya'd only ger'under His bluddy feet and start moiderin' Him!"

"I wouldn't Bel. I could be one of His angels and show folk around like John!"

"Will ya shut yer bluddy trap and get yer food etten. I don't want to hear any more talk like that, neh shuttit!"

"Reet Bel! Will me house be alreet for sleeping in toneet? Ya said that smook might choke me."

"I know. I've bin thinkin' about that, burra think ya'll be okay a bit later on owd lad. Just try and not breathe too much!"

"Wot will we do in Spain Bel?"

"Relax and enjoy the sunshine. Wor'else is there to do?"

"Well I heard that sometimes ya get men having a feyht wi' some bulls Bel. Would we do summat like that?"

"Most certainly not! I don't believe in cruelty to animals and you definitely wouldn't like it!"

"Wot do they do it for?"

"'Cos they like watching animals suffer and that's one thing I can't abide owd lad and that's one of the reasons I've never been to Spain before, bur'it'll be a cheap holiday and ya needs the sun on yer back!"

"Yer right Bel. I don't think I'd like that! D'ya not mind if I suffer when ya gives me a pasting?"

"Yer nor'an animal!"

"Burra thowt I were a cross between a pig an' a monkey and them's anink mules Bel!"

"Yeh that's as maybe, but y'ave still gor’a bit o' human in ya 'cos yer pappy were a human weren't he owd lad?"

"Oh aye! I never thowt about that! Will I need a Spanish outfit?"

"No lad! Now then! I have to get home burrall give ya a ring tomorrer. Can ya find yer way home from here?"

"Course I can Bel. Don't be daft. I'll do a bit o' shoppin' while it's a Saturday afternoon and then I'll get meself back!"

"Reet lad. I'll ring ya tomorrer!"

"Bye Bel!"

© Mollie M
03.11.03