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longfellow
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longfellow is offline
Penthouse in Essex overlooking the Thames.
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 7,642
longfellow is male  longfellow has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
12-04-2018, 02:57 PM
1

A few more smiley's.

Quickie in the Bushes.
----------------------------
There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.They had been facing each other across a path way for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I'll hold the
pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery.

One turns to the other and ask's "Is this whiskey".

Yes replies the other but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.
>>>>>>>>>>>>

Young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,”

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?"

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…"
"Why are we living in England”
>>>>>>>>>>>>

An old one but still funny.

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....." The colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tony Blair and Nigel Farage somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Nigel and said, "How about you, Mr. Farage ?" Nigel replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Eliza's Avatar
Eliza
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Eliza is offline
England
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 5,418
Eliza is female  Eliza has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
12-04-2018, 03:16 PM
2

Re: A few more smiley's.

was not expecting the punch line on the first joke ,
 

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