Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Interesting slant on things

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman.

So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the woman you were with?”

“Sure and I can’t be telling you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Patricia Kelly?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Liz Shannon?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Three month’s vacation and five good leads!” says Tommy.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Maybe most have heard this before;

Little Emily loved turning cartwheels

All the boys came to watch

Her mum said `Emily the boys just want to see your knickers`

Emily replied `Oh mum I know that`

That`s why I take them off first.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Paddy is stumbling home after a night on the Guinness, brandishing a Swag Bag. A Copper spots him and enquires as to "what is in the bag", "it's a motorbike" Paddy replies, don't be stupid the Copper says let me have a look. Opening the bag reveals a steaming Cowpat, to which the Copper enquires, "Where did you get this from", Paddy replies "I bought it from a guy in the boozer, he told me it is a Sackakaki"

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked,
'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was. The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave..
She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9..'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut..'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble
gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

ONCE A SOLDIER ALWAYS A SOLDIER!



On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
Wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Digger,

And asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said,

"Mission Accomplished."

..................




A GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN THE FREEZING WATER AND SAVED MY PRECIOUS LITTLE DOG.
UPON GETTING BACK ON THE BRIDGE, HE CHECKED MY PUPPY OUT AND TOLD ME,


"ZE DOG IS OK. HE VILL BE FINE."


Due to his selfless heroic act, I ASKED, "ARE YOU A VET?"


HE REPLIED,.......................................... .....






"VET? I'M F*****G SOAKED!"

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Habit of Talking in Sleep

A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in
his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.



Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate,

hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how

to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.



Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you !

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you !

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full- grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'