11-02-2012, 02:22 AM
341
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
She opened her mouth again then closed it again."Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on this time?"
He started spinning around with his tongue dangling out, and had the widest grin she'd ever seen him with.
"D'ya like me outfit Bel? This is me cooking outfit."
He was wearing chef's whites complete with the tall toque, which made him look less like a pigmy.
"Where've ya getten them from?"
"I gor'em when we went to that carvery place t'other week Bel. When I went to't lavvy I spotted a set hanging up so I thowt they were spares."
"Burra didn't see 'em when ya came out and ya'd no carrier bag with ya for once."
"I know. I thowt about it and then I had another one of me brilliant ideas."
She rolled up her eyes again.
"Go on, burram not sure I'm goin't like this."
"Well all I did was I took me clobber off, put me outfit on, then put me clothes back on again over the top. I stuffed the hat inside the right shoulder of me owd black jacket so as nobody'd notice."
"If I ever ....."
"No shouting allowed today Bel. Today is Crisp Mus Day, so no shouting allowed. Come on and get some more food on yer plate and we'll make a start eh owd lass? I'll have some o' them things off the starter table as well for a change."
Eh!
When they'd finished, Crusty leapt up and removed Bel's empty plate and shoved it in the sink, which was already piled out with pots, pans and numerous items of other crockery.
He scuttled over to the other side of the room and picked up a carving knife and fork, still grinning, and hovered over the pork joint and the chicken awaiting instructions from his Bel.
Bel came over with a fresh plate and studied the table hard, then grinned at him.
"Where's your meyt Crusty? I'll have that lump o' pork and that chicken and a bit of everything else! It all looks bluddy good to me for a change! Have ya been taking lessons owd fettler?"
His faced dropped.
"Wot d'ya mean, where's mine? This is for between us."
Ignoring him, she stuck a big fork into the pork joint and put it on her plate, then stuck the fork up the 5lb chicken's arse and did the same with that.
Crusty just stood watching her. This wasn't how he'd planned it, and when she'd piled her plate up she went and sat down.
"Are ya not hungry today Crusty? I'm bluddy famished and this'll make a nice little snack. It'll put me on till we have our proper dinner!"
He stared at her with his mouth wide open then he trotted over to where she was sitting.
"But Bel thar'is our dinner! I were goin't have some o' that and tha's getten it all. I've worked hard all morning to make it really good for ya, and now ya leaves me wi' an empty bally!"
She started laughing then.
"Come on ya daft owd duffer. I'm only kidding. Get yer carving knife on this and share it out between us."
Face alight once more, he started slurping and slobbering while she watched him to make sure nothing dripped on the food.
Once his plate was piled up he sat down and started tucking in with absolute joy.
"I'll tell ya wot lad, these Yorkshires are bluddy belting. Did ya really make 'em yerself?"
"Grumph, mnyam, slurp, slobber, hanch!"
Head still down and mouth full of food he nodded his head mumbling then he swallowed with a loud gulp.
"I did that Bel. I found an owd recipe book and I copied exacertackerly wor'it said inside, an'a didn't pur'owt daft in 'em did I Bel?"
"Ya didn't lad. Ya gets full marks for serving me up a dinner I can bluddy-well ayte for a change, plus, an extra three points for yer gravy!"
"Ta Bel. I shoved some stuffing up this chicking's arse as well. Can ya taste it?"
"Yes lad. Yer stuffing is to die for. Everything's absolutely perfect for once."
"I really tried me very bestest to make everything good today, and me cooker didn't blow up like it did a couple o' years ago. I didn't add any sugar to me gravy this time neither!"
"Good lad!"
"D'ya remember wot we were doing this time last year Bel?"
"Aye, we were freezing our bluddy cobblers off in Antarctica!"
"I know, bur'it were good weren't it. It were quite a journey!"
"Aye, an' it cost me an arm an' a bluddy leg because of yer stupidity ya daft bugger. You and yer bluddy Mombongo! But ne' mind owd lad. It were quite an experience!"
When everything in sight had been consumed except for the skeleton of the chicken, they sat back on their chairs, bellies a-bulge and sighed. The joint of pork looked as if a couple piranhas had had a do at it as Crusty had nibbled away on the bone for a while to make sure it was picked clean. It was quiet and peaceful now, their appetites had been sated and everything was ... well ... perfect.
Crusty was about to get up to do something, and he'd just managed to lift his left cheek off the dining chair.
Para-para-para - PAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP!!
"Crus-tee!"
"Sorry Bel!"
Paar-rip, blobble-blobble ..... oh-oh!
He zoomed off, overtaking the tiger rug, which was halfway up the stairs, in his haste to make it on time.
Bee-beep. He was doing his Roadrunner impersonation again!
The tiger cringed and ducked thinking it was about to be hauled back down again, but this time he got lucky and finally managed to creep into Crusty's spare bedroom which was never used.
As Crusty lolloped along like a penguin, knees together, he started to unfasten his trousers so that he'd only have to plonk himself down once he got there, and by the time he'd reached the bathroom they were halfway down his legs. He knew he didn't dare fart again till he got sat down otherwise he was sure to follow through.
But he wanted to - desperately!!
WHUUMPH!!
He sat down.
Aaaah! Wollop! Relief! Luxury!!
"Wossat?"
He had a perplexed look on his face so he stuck his thumb in his mouth, which helped him to concentrate better. He'd done everything right. He'd got his trousers halfway down so that he'd be ready on time, and he'd managed to park his backside on the toilet on time, so what was that funny feeling under his bum?
Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to lift the lid up!
Poor old Crusty!
It took him nearly half an hour to clean up, and by the time he got back downstairs he found Bel just finishing the washing up.
He approached her timidly.
"Bel?"
"Ya don't need to explain. I heard everything that went on, ya nasty-arsed owd grot-bag! That's wor'appens when tha' aytes too many sprouts!"
"Am sorry Bel, bur'it's not really my fault. It's yours!"
"How d'ya make thar'out?"
"Because, it's a well-known fact that men never put the clozzit seat down and that ladies do. You were the last one on me bog, and ya put the seat down so it's your fault. I didn't notice before I sat down!"
"Ya know Crusty, ya never ceases to amaze me, burrall nor’argue wi' ya today, not while its Christmas!"
"I've cleaned up proper good Bel honest burra might still have a few more farts lingering about."
"What else is new? Well I'll check it out for meself later on as I don't trust your idea of cleaning, but for now let's sit down at the table, have another glass of wine, and talk!"
"Wor'about?"
"Anything ya likes."
"Well, tell me all about when ya was younger Bel. Wot did ya do for a job when ya left school and tek it from there."
"Alright Crusty. I've never told you about my younger days and the jobs I did before I married, but there's quite a tale to tell, an'ave had a few different jobs in me lifetime."
"You can tell me then Bel. I bet ickle be better than watching the telly."
"Reet Crusty. Well then, when I left school I went to College, then on to Manchester University mainly just to muck about like ya do, 'cos that's wot some of us young 'uns did in the sixties, but my father told me to buckle down so I did general business studies, accounting and that sort of thing. Anyway, I didn't really enjoy all that studying, burra did pass all me exams. Then I decided to get meself a career and ya'll never guess worra used to do Crusty."
11-02-2012, 02:25 AM
342
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
"I bet ya was a bouncer at one o' them posh Neet Clubs!""Oh I did do a bit o' thar'at the Wigan Casino and some Clubs in Manchester as well! I'd forgotten about that owd lad, but that weren't me main job. No, now wait for it. I used to be a prison officer! Neh then, ya wouldn't've guessed that now would ya?"
"A prison officer Bel! Ya was a prison officer? I bet they were frikkened to bluddy deeth o' ya!"
"They were that owd lad. But wot was more unusual was tharra was a prison officer in a men's prison. They reckoned I were too menacing for a women's prison at first, so they put me in HMP Leeds up in Armley to start me off. There were some bad buggers in there Crusty."
"Wor'ad they done wrong?"
"Oh, there were all sorts in there. Evil and wicked, burra 'ad 'em under't bluddy thumb in no time at all! One of 'em made the mistake of calling me a naughty name!"
Crusty went white and cringed.
Blobble!
"Wot did he call ya Bel?"
"Ne' mind wor'e called me. It were summat he regretted after though. Do you want to go to the lav again?"
"Am alreet for a minute or two! Wot did ya do at him Bel? Did ya give him the old one, two?"
"Not quite owd lad!"
He sat waiting patiently while she closed her eyes and thought back.
"No, I always started 'em off with the gentle approach, so I only gid him a double rabbit punch on't back o't yed, bur'it were enough to pur'im unconscious for twenty minutes."
"How long was you at that prison for Bel?"
"About two years. By then they'd learned not to mess wi' me an'ad gone through all me punishments like kicking 'em in't crusticles, Glasgow kisses, arse kicking, punching, triple whammies and double pile drivers, and eventually they learned their lessons. Ya know summat Crusty, it were proper touching this. When I were leaving, those big hairy-arsed criminals that I'd beaten up and that didn't know wor'it was to be normal, gave me some lovely leaving presents, and some of 'em were actually skryking! One of 'em, his name were Gripper 'cos he used't squeeze folks throats and he favvered Arthur Mullard, even knitted me a bobble hat! Can you imagine some big twenty-odd stone blokes crying 'cos I were leaving? They respected me!"
"They were bluddy frikkened of ya more like it!"
"Aye that's probably true as well. Anyway, that's where I got me two nicknames and they followed me everywhere after that!"
"Wot did they call ya Bel?"
"Well some called me Crusher and some called me Basher. They were names of affection from them men!"
"I still reckon they were bluddy frikkened of ya though!"
"Well, wor'ever. Any road up, from there I went to Strangeways in Manchester and it were more or less the same as Leeds. They were Category A and B prisoners too, so they'd done really, really bad naughties, then I was posted to Styal Women's Prison in Cheshire. That was where that Myra Hindley were. D'ya remember her Crusty?"
He nodded his head.
"Her's dead now, but when I were there everybody were saying how much she'd changed by being locked up, bur'I couldn't see any difference. I'm not that easily fooled. Evil bugger she were, but she couldn't get round me like she had the other officers."
"Ya must've met some 'orrible personages Bel. I ber'it were like Cell Block H. I bet ya favvered Joan Ferguson back then! Tha' favvers her a bit now! It couldn't've been an easy job doing work like that. Wor'appened after that?"
"Tell the truth Crusty I ended up leaving the service. I was too gentle and sensitive to do that sort of job so I took extra driving lessons."
"But ya've been driving a car since ya were twelve up in Scocland. Didn't ya tell me that once?"
Blobble, blobble!
"Oh I did drive at 12 on private land; burra didn't take extra driving lessons for a car. No, I took me HGV tests and passed HGV I, II and III and got me PSV licence as well. While I was learning I gor’a job driving a truck and as I got better and better I ended up doing long haul runs in a juggernaut, some over to the Continent like France and Switzerland and places like that."
Crusty was suitably impressed.
"Can ya hang on a minute Bel? I need to go to the lav again."
"I thowt ya did. Get goin' and make sure ya make it on time!"
He whooshed off, did his duty then whooshed back down again.
"I never knew ya was a truck driver Bel. It's no wonder ya likes going for long drives all o'er't place. I bet ya went on some belting jaunts!"
"Yeh I did. It were while I were driving the smaller trucks tharra decided to go back to night school and learned how to be a mechanic so tharra could fix me own car and trucks and stuff when they broke down, an'a qualified in thar'as well."
"So wor'appened next then?"
She sat back and lit her pipe, took a sip of wine, then continued.
"Well, when I got back from a long run I met Gilbert, my hubby. He owned one of the haulage companies I was driving for and we just clicked. Hated each other on sight we did. I didn't know it at the time, but he owned four haulage companies and two warehouses, burra didn't want to stop driving once we'd been married."
"He must've been rich then, was he?"
"Oh aye, he were a millionaire, but ya wouldn't have thought it to look at him, nasty owd gobsh!te! Anyway, he didn't want me to carry on driving, so I went into the office side of the business and ran two of the haulage companies and one warehouse. That's where me businesses all started and by the time he popped his clogs, I were better at it than him. I started branching out then 'cos he'd left me everything and more besides, so I thowt about a nice little caff."
"The Loaf About!"
"Aye well, I had one or two before the Loaf About, but they were a bit too upmarket for Platt Bridge and Hardybutts so I opened one up in Standish, one in Pemberton and one in Shevington where I did some belting trade. They were all called 'Bel's Butty Bar'!"
"Am glad ya came into't Club that neet when there was a fancy dress on Bel. I may never have met ya and then where would I be now?"
"Where indeed? Ya'd probably be cooling yer heels in a bluddy funny farm by now driving everybody doo-bluddy-lally, including the medical staff."
"I know. It's a good job ya gor'old o' me when ya did."
Suddenly Bel sniffed up.
"Wot's that bluddy stink?"
"It's me feet Bel. I slipped me shoes off while ya was telling yer tale. I didn't think ya'd notice!"
"Well I did so I'm goin' wom. I'm not sitting here smelling at your nasty owd feet. I'll just go upstairs and check that bathroom out first then I'll be off."
"No! Don't go yet Bel, please. I'll put me kippers on. Thackle keep the smell at bay a bit won't it. I don't want ya't go yet as it's keeping me quiet lissening to yer tales!"
"Go on then. Get yer slippers on and I'll stop a bit longer."
"Okay then. It's been a nice Crisp Mus Day today Bel. I've really enjoyed it."
"Ya know summat owd lad? So have I!"
© Mollie M
17.12.02
12-02-2012, 12:50 AM
343
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
Enjoyed reading that chapter Mollie, how on earth did he manage to come up with a banquet for Christmas Dinner?? I reckon he had some secret help
It sounds like these two are getting closer and it was good to hear about Bel's background
....and a truck driver 13-02-2012, 01:25 AM
346
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
98
New Year's Eve
(and Crusty is Crowned King!)
New Year's Eve
(and Crusty is Crowned King!)
Bel stayed at Crusty's well into the early hours of Boxing Day and they chatted endlessly, mainly about Bel's previous occupations, their jaunts together and some of the daft things he'd got up to.
Naturally, this was interspersed with Crusty's several trips to the toilet which stopped the conversation in mid flow as he zoomed up the stairs.
After the last of such occasions, Bel legged him up as he came back into the room and he landed with a thud on the threadbare carpet, squashing his nose flat yet again.
He got up and started rubbing his nose, which had already begun to swell.
"Ouch! Wor'ave ya done that for Bel?"
"For keep interrupting me in mid-stream!"
"Sorry Bel, burrave got to go to't petty when I want a pee an' a number two. Wot was ya saying?"
"I've forgotten now, burrall tell ya wot! I think ya'd best keep off them bluddy sprouts for a bit 'cos they're just goin' straight through ya like a dose o' salts!"
"I know. Sorry Bel. It's nearly as bad as when ya made me eat thar'Indian curry but nor'as hot coming out! It were like crappin' brokken glass that!"
"Well it wouldn't've been so bad if ya'd only had a couple o' sprouts with yer meal, but ya must've had hayf a bluddy pound on yer plate! At least they'll give you a good clearing out, bur'it dun't half stink now!"
"Sorry Bel. Will I go and open me bathroom window to ler'it out?"
"Don't tell me it's still shut fast! No bluddy wonder yer house smells like a plague pit!"
Once more he scuttled off and she heard him open the window letting in a breath of fresh air.
On entering his festering bathroom though, the poor fresh air nearly choked, so it did a quick U-turn and whooshed out again, leaving the bathroom to seep!
"Worra ya doing on New Year's Eve Bel?"
"Well I'd nowt special planned, burrall tek ya to't Club if ya want!"
"Oh reet, ta Bel. I've heard it's alreet in there on a New Year's Eve. Have ya gor'any tickets though?"
"Aye, I bought some a while back. They were only a quid each so I thowt I'd get some just in case."
"Who's on Bel?"
"Dunno. Does it matter? Everybody'll be as p!ssed as farts so it wouldn't matter if bluddy Tom Jones were on! Nobody'd notice on New Year's Eve!"
He snickered.
"I suppose so. Wot time do we get theer though, only I've heerd thar'it fills up proper early!"
"Yeh I know. We'll ger’a seat though, don't you worry lad!"
With that she took her leave of him and told him to stay out of mischief until New Year's Eve.
The morning after Boxing Day he hauled himself out of his cesspit of a bed and felt around with his feet for his kippers, whilst rubbing his bleary, piggy little eyes.
He found them and slid them on, then shambled off to the bathroom where he saw to his ablutions then, realising that he had his slippers on the wrong feet, bent down to swap them over and on standing up again he bashed his head on the wash basin.
With stars orbiting his tortured head, he melted down into a heap like the Wicked Witch of the East in Wizard of Oz unconscious, and when he came to again he heard the phone ringing.
He sat up, rubbed his head where a huge egg had appeared, then crawled on all fours from the bathroom, along the corridor and bummed his way downstairs, afraid to stand up in case he went dizzy and fell down again!
Luckily, this time the phone was still ringing when he finally crawled over to it, and lifting the handset, he pressed it to his throbbing head.
"Hello, I think this is probably Crusty speaking, burram not sure at the moment!"
"Crusty! Where the bluddy hell have ya been? I've been ringing ya for hours!"
"Oh, hiya Bel. Hours?"
"I've been ringing ya for the last four hours an'a tried the Loaf About but they said ya hadn't turned in. I've been worried sick!"
"Four hours! Weer havva bin then?"
She rolled up her eyes.
"That's worram trying to find out ya gormless owd sack o' crap! Weer hast bin for't last four hours? Ya must know!"
"I don't think I do Bel. Hang on! Oh I know now Bel. Wor'it was, was tharra noticed I'd put me kippers on't wrong feet, an'a bent down to pur'em on't reet feet. It were when I stood up I bashed me yed on't washbasin. I knocked meself out an'ave only just come round. Were it four hours ago that?"
"Ya daft looking bugger! Are y'alreet owd lad? Can ya see properly?"
"I dunno Bel. I cawn't tell. I've only just come round."
"Reet, I'll pop over to make sure yer okay so stop where y'are. Thar'always gerrin bashed round't bluddy yed. No wonder thar’as daft as y'are!"
"Okay Bel. See ya in a minute!"
"See ya in half an hour!!"
Half an hour later she was putting her key into the lock of his front door and on entering, saw him still sitting on the hallway floor, mercifully wearing Jim and Jam, his feet splayed out at ten to two, eyes as big as saucers and his tongue dangling out.
She batted away the stars, which were still hovering around his head and they dispersed into nothingness.
"Are ya alreet owd fettler?"
There was no reply so she took hold of his pyjama jacket lapels and shook him gently. He'd passed out again so she lifted him under the backs of his knees and armpits (yee-ukky), and carried him into his living room where she placed him on the settee.
She very, very carefully removed Sniffy from his left foot by taking hold of the elasticated top so that when it came off, it was inside out.
Naturally, she had first placed her trusty Crusty peg on her nose.
Squeezing his throat gently she hoped it would rouse him but that didn't work, so she held Sniffy over his nose instead and wafted it a few times.
After about ten wafts, the smell finally filtered through to his brain cell which had been having a kip as well, but when it woke up it went into action.
"RED ALERT! RED ALERT! WAKE UP CRUSTY. BRAIN CELL CALLING CRUSTY! YOU HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO A LETHAL DOSE OF SNIFFY. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO WAKE UP BEFORE TOTAL BRAIN DEATH OCCURS 'COS I'M BUGGERING OFF IF YA DON'T! I CAN'T STAND MUCH MORE O' THIS!!"
"Wossup?"
"Wake up Crusty. Your Bel's here!"
"Oh, hiya Bel. It's nice't si' thi' again. Worra ya doin' here?"
Oh, oh. He couldn't remember.
"Now try to think Crusty. Do ya remember answering the phone earlier when I rang ya?"
"Er, lemme think a bit Bel. Me yed's warching. Worrava done wrong this time?"
She told him what had happened, and that he'd passed out again by the time she'd got to him.
"Oh aye. That's reet. All that just 'cos I put me kippers on't wrong feet! I am a bit daft aren't I?"
At least he remembered.
"Yes you are, bur'as long as yer alreet that's all that matters. Neh then, I'm going to do some tests to make sure there's still summat between yer scummy little lugs!"
The brain cell re-activated.
"Reet Bel. Fire away!"
She held up three fingers.
"How many fingers can ya see on me hand?"
"Four fingers an' a thumb."
"No, I mean how many amma holding up?"
"Oh, three fingers!"
"Wot day is it today?"
"It's the day after Boxing Day so it must be .... er .... let me think .... Friday Bel?"
"Good lad. Now then, last test. Without looking, worrava gor'in this carrier bag?"
His nose started twitching.
Sniff-sniff, snort-snort, drool, dribble, slavver, slobber!
"I know woritis Bel. It's one of yer most tasteyful home made chicking pies wi' vegetables and gravy. Ya made me one a long while ago, burra still remembers wor'it smells like! Am bluddy hungry again Bel!"
13-02-2012, 01:29 AM
347
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
"Good man! Ya'll be alreet now once yer yed stops banging. I'll get you a yed warch pill. It'll make ya feel better in no time!""Ta Bel. Bel?"
"Worisit owd lad?"
"Will ya stop shouting Bel 'cos me yed feels like it's goin't drop off me shooders!"
"Oh, sssshh. Sorry owd lad. I'll try an' keep me voice down."
She went to get the headache tablet and brought the tatty old eiderdown with her to wrap round him.
"Reet, take this pill. Here's yer water to swallow it back! Ger'it down yer neck lad, come on!"
Reluctantly he took the pill, sipped some water then snuggled down on the settee where Bel wrapped him up nice and warm.
"I'll just have an hour Bel then I'll get round to't caff. I don't want to ler'em down!"
"Worra ya on about now? It's nearly one o'clock - yer finishing time, so there's no point bothering today! I've already rung Jim and ler'im know ya won't be in until Monday."
"Bur'in't Monday New Year's Eve Bel?"
"Yeh, so wot? The cafe's still got to open bur'it closes at two on Monday while it's New Year. Ya can go in and do yer monkey tricks for 'em then when ya gets wom ya can have a nice soak in't bath until yer fingers go crinkly. That way ya'll be nice and fresh for when we go out at neet!"
"A SOAK IN'T BATH!! Worra trying't do at me Bel? Ya knows I'll only drown if I ger'in't bath. Canna not just havva quick sprinkle under't tap?"
She glared at him and counted to five.
"I SAID YA CAN HAVVA NICE SOAK IN'T BATH SO DO AS YER BLUDDY-WELL TOLD YA SMELLY OWD SACK OF HORSE SH!T!"
"Ouch, me bluddy yed! A bath it is then Bel."
"It'd bluddy better be 'cos I'll be havin' a bluddy good sniff at ya when I call for ya in me taxi, so think on! And put that nice new shirt on tharra bought for yer Chrissy present!"
"Okay Bel. I'll dress up nice for ya!"
She left him holding his throbbing head and wondering why she hadn't brought him any treats this time. She'd even taken the pie back with her, and he was bluddy hungry!
On the eve of the New Year, Crusty was in another dilemma. She'd specifically told him to soak in the bath so when he got home from the cafe, which had been quiet for once, he put the plug in the hole and started running hot water into it.
He watched in fear as the water rose to drowning level and decided that, as this was only a practice run, he'd try it out.
He squirted a bit of washing up liquid in and batted the water till it was all frothy and smelling nice, then he remembered to take ALL his clothes off this time.
Naturally, his big toe had gone in first then both feet and he stood in the deep water for several seconds to get accustomed to the depth before he got up the courage to lower his fat, pimply backside gently into the water.
He wondered if he needed a snorkel or an aqualung, but he managed to keep his big snout out of the water.
There he sat for approximately thirty seconds getting used to it, then he suddenly looked down and got the fright of his life.
"Wot's up wi' me crusticles and Mister Floppy? They've gone all funny!"
Paaarp! Bubble, blubble!!
He leapt up quickly and bounded out of the water, splashing what little there was of it all over the place.
"Wot were that?"
Quickly, he hurried into his bedroom where he had the long mirror and stood in front of it inspecting his lower regions, with fear all across his face.
"Oh! They've gone alreet again now. I thowt there were summat up wi' 'em when they all came floating to't top o't watter. I've never known that before. I wonder where them bubbles came from!"
He'd never had a proper bath before.
"Sod that! Am nor'aving a bath if that's wor'it does to yer prized possessions! I'll ger'under't shower. Bel won't know the difference when I've done!"
Much later that day at the appointed time, Bel rolled up in a taxi and as soon as Crusty heard her knock he opened the door.
Without a word she grabbed him by the neck and shoved him through the open rear door of the taxi, his front door slamming shut by itself.
"Hiya Bel. Ya looks nice toneet. Do I smell nice for a change?"
She had a good sniff and realised that he was indeed clean for a change, so she nodded her head in approval.
"Aye, ya smell almost human for a bluddy change. Did ya havva bath like I towd ya?"
He was silent for a moment so she knew he hadn't.
"Not really Bel. I had a practice run this affy, burra didn't like it 'cos d'ya know why?"
She shook her head.
"Do tell!"
He leaned over and whispered so that the taxi driver couldn't hear.
"Wot d'ya mean Mister Floppy and yer crusticles came floating up to't top! They're supposed't do ya daft owd ditch rat! And them bluddy bubbles would've been caused by thee fartin' in't water!"
The cab driver jumped on hearing Bel's loud voice, but as he got the gist of it he started laughing so much that he had to pull the taxi over.
"Oh, I'm sorry missus. That were a good 'un that were. The daft owd bugger! How long is it since he had a bath? He must be a nasty owd bugger if he didn't know that! Haha, that were a bluddy corker. Just wait till I tell t'other lads about this. They'll go into fits!"
Bel had pursed her lips on the back seat of the vehicle, while the driver was having the time of his life, and Crusty was cringing.
"WHEN I WANT THY BLUDDY OPINION I'LL ASK FOR IT!! GET THIS BLUDDY TAXI MOVING, NOW! YER BEIN' PAID FOR DRIVING, NOT LISTENING TO PEOPLE TALKIN'!"
The cab driver ducked and cringed this time and set the vehicle in motion, dropping them off at the Club.
"Thackle be five pound fifty missus and a Happy New Year!"
She handed him the exact money.
"Neh then, si' thi'. If ya'd kept yersell to yersell I'd've given ya a nice big tip, bur'as ya stopped the car and lost us valuable time ya gets nowt! Happy New Year to you an' all!"
Crustabel was first out of the cab and she went to the other side, opened the door and dragged Crusty out where he neatened himself hastily so he would look respectable for his Bel.
On entering the Club many people acknowledged Crustabel and nodded to Crusty, snickering as usual.
There was a man at the door taking tickets.
"Good evening madam. How are you this evening?"
"I'm very well thank you Stan, and you?"
"Very well thanks. I see ya've brought Crusty with you again."
"Yes that's right, is there a problem with that?"
"Oh no madam, have a nice evening, both of you!"
He took her tickets, ripped them in half, then they went into the Concert Room where it was virtually packed to the rafters.
"There's nor’a lorra space left Bel. Where will we sit?"
"Follow me, and don't get lost!"
He trotted behind her obediently until they came to a space where there were just two seats remaining in the whole of the Concert Room.
The table, with two chairs, had a reserved sign on it which was something very rarely seen.
"How did ya manage to reserve us a table Bel?"
She just winked at him and tapped her big nose.
At seven o'clock the bar opened, and everyone made a mad dash to buy their New Year's Eve drinkies, except for Bel.
"Bel, Bel I want a pint Bel!" whispered Crusty eagerly.
"Well ya can wait a bit. Yer nor'in that much of a hurry for ale are ya? It's only early yet and the bar's packed. Wait till the queue dies down a bit!"
"Okay Bel."
Just then a man came round with boxes of party hats, streamers and poppers and placed some on each table, including theirs.
Crusty started fingering them and picked up a popper.
"Worra these Bel?"
13-02-2012, 01:32 AM
348
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
"Party poppers. Pur'it down. Them's for later!"Just then someone stopped to speak to Bel about something and she turned away from Crusty, just for a moment, but Crusty was still puzzled by the pink party popper. He pulled gently at the little string and looked down at it with one squinty little piggy eye, so that the popper was in line with his nose. Then he tugged hard at the popper string this time, which blew its contents of crinkly paper right up Crusty's right nostril, emitting the usual loud bang.
"Me bluddy hooter! Wot was in that bluddy thing? I didn't know it were a firework!"
Crusty had shrieked loudly just as Bel turned back to look at him. She saw him pulling the bits of paper down from his nose and before realising what it was, she cracked him across the back of his head.
"Wot's thar'up yer bluddy owd snout. Yer supposed't use an'anky!"
Then the penny dropped when she saw that his nose was all red at one side, so she handed him a paper handkerchief.
"Here, wipe yer piggy little eyes. It's no bluddy wonder they've watered up again. Now stop playing wi' them poppers or there'll be none left for later."
"Okay Bel."
Crusty was so proud to wear his party hat and decided to keep it to put towards one of his many "outfits". His was a crown, and Bel had a pirate's hat, but he already had one of those from his Norfolk Broads days.
He snuggled up to her and started snickering.
"Bel, Bel! Do I favver a King wearing this hat?"
"Aye! King bluddy Kong, now behave yerself or I'll tek ya wom again!"
He behaved.
He really did for once, and at midnight they all stood and sang Auld Lang Syne. Of course Crusty didn't know the real words, so he just made some up and when they'd finished he puckered up and tried to give Bel a huge kiss.
"Ger'off me ya smelly owd fart! Ya can gimme a peck on't cheek but that's it!"
"Okay, ta Bel!"
He gave her a peck and then started fishing about in his jacket pocket.
"Worra ya trying to find in theer? Yer not gerrin yer lucky kipper out are ya? Ya'll stink the bluddy place out again!"
"No Bel! I've not fetched it wi' me, an'ave not fetched any sausages in me turn-ups either. Howd up, I'll ger'it in a minute!"
"Well hurry up. Ya looks as if yer up to no good doin' thar'in yer pocket!"
"Getten it!"
She looked down at what he had in his hand, just as he was about to stand up.
"Wot the bluddy hell d'ya call that bluddy thing?"
"It's me mistletoe Bel! I've browt it for kisses!"
It had one mouldy berry on it and the rest was just stalk.
"Pur'it back in yer pocket ya daft owd ditch rat. Who in their reet minds would want a bluddy kiss off a nasty owd turd like thee?"
"No! It's New Year Bel and ya cawn't stop me enjoying meself!"
Before she knew it he'd zoomed off at approximately seventy miles an hour. People were milling around the Club wishing each other a Happy New Year and just for a moment, she lost sight of him.
She stood up to her full five foot eleven for a better view and there he was, in the middle of the dance floor holding the mistletoe up in the air, while three young ladies danced around him, trying to avoid him.
He was so persistent though that he advanced on one of them, lips pursed out for his kissy, that the girl pushed him so hard he went sprawling on his arse again.
"Ger'off me ya nasty owd bugger! I'm not givin' you a bluddy kiss ya smelly owd sh!t heap!"
Suddenly he felt himself being hauled up onto all fours and then somebody, probably wearing size nine Jack boots, kicked him up the arse, so he started crawling as fast as he could between the legs of the dancers until he was back at his table.
That had been very exerting and his tongue had trailed the carpet all the way, so he got up off his knees, sat down on his chair again, and started picking the fluff from the inside of his mouth and taking a few sips of beer.
That was when Bel sat down.
"Oh, hiya Bel. Where've ya been?"
"Kicking your arse up, don't ya remember?"
"Oh was that you? I thowt it probably was burra weren't sure!"
"Reet, sup the rest o' that ale. We're goin' wom now!"
"Aw Bel. Am only just gerrin goin'. Worra we goin' wom for?"
"I know thar'only just gerrin goin'. That's WHY we're goin' home before ya gets into any more bluddy mischief. I saw wot ya were doin' wi' them young wenches on't dance floor, ya dirty old bugger! Come on. I've gor’a car waiting outside so I'll drop you off at yer house!"
"Amma goin't get punished again Bel, only I can tell yer a bit angry wi' me?"
"Well ya'll just have to wait and see won't ya?"
He blanched with fear wondering what she was going to do to him this time, but resigned himself to the fact that there was nothing he could do to put it off, except by emigrating.
"Am sorry Bel. Didn't mean't show y'up again, honest I didn't. I were just trying to have a bit o' fun, that's all!"
She said nothing until the car drew up at his front door.
"Reet ya little scum bag. Ger'out o't car and I'll let ya know of any decisions I make!"
"Bye Bel! Happy New Year!"
The car sedately moved off into the night and Crusty watched until it was completely out of sight.
He sighed then reached into his pocket for his door key.
"Neh worrava done wi' it? I allers keeps me key in this pocket!"
He tried all his other pockets, but the key wasn't there.
He cast his mind back to earlier in the evening when Bel had picked him up. As soon as he'd answered the door, she'd hauled him out by the neck as usual, and shoved him into the waiting taxi.
"Oh no! I never picked me keys up before I came out, an'a left me wallet and me snack-a-mac in't bedroom! Wockle I do now? Oh, I know. I'll ring my Bel. She's getten a key!"
Then it dawned on him that his phone was inside the house.
He knocked on the doors of his three neighbours to ask if he could use their phone, but as soon as they saw who it was, they were slammed in his face again.
Wor’a bluddy shame!
He trundled round to the back and tried the back door in the vain hope that he'd accidentally left it unlocked.
No joy!
It was the first day of the New Year, it was freezing cold and, because he knew he'd be in a car going and coming back from the Club, hadn't found it necessary to wear a woolly.
There he stood in his owd brown trousers, nice new shirt bought by Bel and th'owd black jacket, dithering with the cold! He had his nearly white woolly socks on, but they weren't keeping his feet warm on this cold night in his little black vinyl boots.
"Wockle I do?"
Suddenly he had an idea, so shuffled down the garden in the wet grass to his shed, teeth chattering.
He tried the latch.
It opened and he switched on the light.
"Neh then si' thi'. I'll be able't sleep in here toneet. Neh, worrava getten thackle keep me nice and warm?"
He opened the sun lounger, which Bel had bought him when re-doing his garden. He could sleep on that. Then he found some dust sheets which they'd used when painting his kitchen, covered in paint.
That was where Crusty had his first sleep in the year twenty o'three, surrounded with empty paint tins, tools and totally useless articles like himself, blue with cold and belly a-rumble!
All together now!
Wor’a bluddy shame!!
© Mollie M
17.01.03
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