Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)
142
An Old Lady Tells a Tale
(and Fills in a Few Blanks!)
It was several hours later before Bel felt sober enough to get behind the wheel of her car and, after instructing Mrs Shepherd to strip Crusty's bed for the washer and throw the night dress he'd worn in the bin, she took him home then drove over to The Gables. Hearing about Mambo still being alive had completely knocked her for six and she was still trying to come to terms with it.
At the reception desk she asked to see Mrs Mambo Nibbleswick after explaining to them who she was and that she was a friend of her son Crusty. On hearing the name Crusty, the poor receptionist went as white as a sheet and tottered off in her sensible shoes to fetch someone more senior.
Nearly half an hour passed and Bel was beginning to get very impatient, but she didn't know that the name Crusty was going around the building and that everyone was diving for cover. Some of the bed-ridden patients were hurriedly pushed out on trolleys and wheelchairs by the more able, and it wasn't long before the corridors, wards and day rooms were cleared of people, leaving the facility like a ghost ship.
Eventually, the senior nurse on duty came out shaking with fear until she noticed that Crusty was nowhere in sight then, relaxing a little, she spoke to a grim-faced Bel.
"You took yer time!"
"Sorry about that. There was an emergency and we had to call an ambulance for an old man who suddenly had a heart attack. Now then! I understand you've come to see Mrs Nibbleswick!"
"That's right! I'm a friend of her son, Crusty!"
"Well I'm sorry, but she's a very old lady and Crusty is an extremely disturbing influence, not just on her but on everybody else."
She tentatively looked into each corner of the reception area.
"Where's he hiding? It's a little joke of his every time he comes. He goes and hides somewhere and then when you're not expecting it he leaps out of a cupboard or
something shouting boo! He's always frightening the patients out of their wits and he always seems to smell horrible!"
"Oh yes, he always stinks rotten. It's the farts and his stinkin' feet! Don't worry though, he's not here!"
"Thank God for that! Anyway, as I said, he isn't welcome here because he disturbs everybody!"
"Oh I know what he's like, believe me, but it really is very important that I see Mrs Nibbleswick. I've known Crusty for quite a number of years now, but I only found out last night that his mother is still alive and it's completely bowled me over. I only want to chat to her, that's all!"
"Very well Miss Leekey. You appear to be normal so I'll take you to her! She doesn't get many visitors, apart from Crusty, and she could really do without him."
She was escorted to Mambo's room and, for the first time, Bel saw Crusty's mother who was rocking away merrily in a rocking chair to the tune of Wimoweh which she was singing loudly in a screaming high pitched voice.
Wimpeyweh, wimpeyweh, wimpeyweh, hey
In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight
It wasn't hard to see that in her youth she had been very beautiful and even in old age there was something exotic about her, even though she did have a face like a prune. Her skin was the colour of milky coffee. She had long dark hair only just going grey, had soft twinkling oval brown eyes and her mouth was devoid of teeth.
When Bel entered the room the old lady stopped caterwauling and looked up with a puzzled expression and cupped her left ear in her hand.
"Eh? Who are you?"
"Hello! It's Mambo isn't it?"
Cupping her ear again she leaned forward, which was apparently something of a habit when speaking to people and did it every time she spoke, but her mind was as sharp as a razor.
"Eh? Wor'a coincidence girly! My name's Mambo as well. Come an' sit ya down lass! Ya look as if ya could do wi' tekkin't weight off! Yer a bluddy crumper aren't ya?"
"No Mambo! This is Bel here!"
"Eh? Ya can hear bells lass? Thackle be a ringing in yer ears. Ya'd best see a doctor about that!"
The senior nurse left them to it closing the door and rolling her eyes up. She knew how difficult Mambo could be.
Realising that the old girl was a bit deaf, Bel raised her voice a little as she was sitting down.
"I'm a friend of Crusty, your son!"
Fear spread across the old lady's face and she suddenly sat bolt upright, bringing the rocking chair to a standstill, her eyes wide in shock, her hair stood up on end and her mouth gaped open!
Crusty was right. She did look like a "mythacological Gordon creature".
"Eh? Yer going to send Crusty? Please don't! Oh please lass! If ya've gor'any sense o' decency an' a spark o' humanity in ya, ya'll not send Crusty here! I beg yer sweet mercy lass. I'll do anything, anything at all as long as ya don't send Crusty again! Next time ya see him tell him I've de'ed!"
Bel could see that the old lady was about to have a seizure so she very quickly explained.
"No, no! I said I'm a FRIEND of Crusty. Don't worry! He's not coming! Please calm yourself."
Mambo tapped her hearing aid then relaxed in her chair and started to rock again.
"Eh? Thank the Lord, thank the Lord! I didn't know he had any friends! He never used to apart from three weird looking buggers, but their names escape me now. Ya poor woman! If ya've made a friend o' Crusty then I'll guarantee that ya'll never get shut of him, and ya'll never have a moment's peace! When did ya first meet th'owd fart?"
"I've known Crusty for a while now and he's told me a few tales about when he were a little boy. I wondered if ya could tell me a few things about when he were young. Things he did, and things he gor'up to! Fill in a few empty spaces pr'aps? He's something of a blank canvas and it's very hard to know wot's going on in his head!"
"Eh? Well lass first off, there's nowt goin' on in his yed! Bur'anyway, there's one thing I can remember as clear as day. It were like it were only yesterday. It were't summer of 1940 and we hadn't been o'er here very long. The silly lickle sod had hidden in me dolly tub playing some daft game when he were about six. Well! He's not so big now bur'e were allers lickle for 'is age."
She stopped there for a moment, covered her mouth and started cackling. Her eyes were streaming with mirth and she started clapping her hands.
"Eh? I think he were playing air raid shelters or summat daft like that! Any road up, it were washing day an'ad fillt dolly wi' hot watter, then shoved me washing in to ler'em soak! Th'only trouble lass were tharra didn't know he were in theer until I grabbed him from't bottom by his lickle liberty bodice and knickers. I wondered where all't bubbles had come from as I hadn't pur'any Oxydol in yet, bur'it were him fartin' and drowning that were making't bubbles!"
She broke off again cackling and braying her heart out. Poor Mambo hadn't had such a laugh in years and she was savouring every moment of it.
"Eh? Any road up lass, I started rubbin' him up and down me scrubbin' board then he started splutterin' and wailin' about bein' wet! I 'ad an owd pig bristle scrubbin' brush in me hand at the time an' his poor lickle crusticles didn't half cop it! They were red raw by't time I realised worra were doing, poor lickle sod. I nearly ripped all't bluddy skin off 'em I did! They favvered two owd pimply gooseberries when I'd done! It were't cleanest he'd ever bin! He didn't half do some bluddy skrykin' o'er that!"