Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
70
Crusty's on the Menu
(and He Does A Mate A Favour!)
Sunday also proved to be another beautiful day and Bel called at Crusty's at ten a.m. to take him out to the garden centre.
"Morning Bel. Worra we gerrin at the garding centre today?"
Whilst she'd been at his house the day before she had had a few thoughts on how to make his garden a little more respectable, so she bought some hardy flowering perennials, some shrubs and small low growing trees, a new sun bed, and some other odds and ends.
Really it needed a complete new makeover with paving etc to make it low maintenance and cut down on mowing considering Crusty's advancing years, but for now they'd just get it nice enough for them both to sit in when she visited.
On arrival at the garden centre though Crusty had another good idea, so he whizzed into action and got his Bel one of the staff's wheelbarrows for carrying stuff around in. She was going to make him put it back again, but decided that it was a good idea after all!!
Another good idea from Crusty?
She bought some bags of cobbles, stones, a nice climbing rose, a couple of patio chairs with table and considered doing a little water feature for him as well, but changed her mind almost immediately.
"Little fart'll probably end up falling in nose down and drowning himself in it!"
They hadn't been out very long and, when they returned, Bel could smell burning coming from somewhere. Crusty started grinning and dashing about all over the place, but told Bel she was to go and sit in his living room and wait for her surprise.
"No Crusty it's a lovely day an'a want to be outside and get your garden into some kind of order."
"It's only for a minute Bel, please Bel!"
She slumped down in a chair totally fed up.
"Wot the hell is he up to this time?" she thought silently, as she began to doze.
Suddenly he whooshed back in full of excitement.
"Bel, Bel come on Bel. Come an' look at the surprise I made ya!"
He grabbed her hand and hoisted her out of the chair and led her into his back garden.
There, standing proudly in the middle, was Crusty's home made bar-b-que, charcoal gleaming brightly with two-day old sausages and chops turning into burnt offerings.
That was what he'd wanted the metal bin cut in half for and why he had to drill the holes in it. It favvered bluddy weel, as he hadn't thought to clean it out first before cooking on it!
"Wot the bl....!"
"Come on Bel. I've made us a barby just like yours!"
Hardly!
He'd set up the patio chairs and table with knives, forks and plates for them and he zoomed over to his "cooking".
"Oh no, nor'again! He's not cooking again. Dear Lord please tell me that he's not cooking AGAIN!" prayed Bel silently.
And the Lord looked down upon Crustabel the Mighty, and He shooketh His head in great sadness. Then He spaketh unto her.
"Yeseth, the Crusty cooketh once more, but I shall watcheth over thee so that thou suffereth no more than necessary. I shall keep vigilance until the morrow when thou wilt surely feel the pangs and mayhap even getteth the sh!ts! But fear not, thy time is not yet nigh and thou shalt suffer no terminal consequences! However, if thou feeleth in the mood, thou hath My blessing if thou wisheth to pasteth him once more!"
Amen to that!
She trudged over to the bar-b-que, which he was now tending and placing food onto plates for them then they sat down. Bel munched along and again thought in silence.
"Actually, it's not really that bad! Poor old bugger! He's gone to all this trouble to please me and I do nothing but shout at him and beat him up."
She didn't know that he'd placed the left over food from yesterday onto the charcoal just to re-heat!
She looked up at Crusty who was dribbling and hanching his food back, and when he saw her looking at him he gave her the widest grin.
"Am looking forward to going to work tomorrow Bel. Now am a proper waiter am more posher now aren't I?"
"Yes you are lad, an'am glad yer enjoying yer job. By the way, has Jim given you a pay rise yet?"
"No Bel, I don't think so. Is he supposed to? I still get twenty five pound a week for four hours a day five days a week!"
Bel blushed with shame. Fancy making her little pigmy work for lower than the average national wage! At one twenty five an hour it wasn't worth getting out of bed for. A Blackpool donkey gets more than that! Mind you, there's more work in a Blackpool donkey come to think of it! She felt bloody awful.
That wasn't as bad though when she'd offered him a job as a night watchman in her warehouse at one pound an hour and on his first night he'd encountered two robbers who'd bashed him over the head!
Poor old sod!
"Well lad I'll have a word with him about giving you a pay rise. Ya know I own that caff don't ya Crusty?"
"Yeh, well, I thowt ya did burra weren't sure!"
"Well while he's promoted you and the fact that you were on low wages before, I'm going to give ya £5 an hour. How's that? That won't affect yer pension."
Well Crusty went into over-drive.
"Five pound an hour? Five pound? Oh goody, brilliant, fantastic, I'm rich, I'M RICH!!"
She sat there grinning at him enjoying his excitement again.
-oo0oo-
He walked into the cafe the next morning with renewed confidence, and he didn't care what anybody called him anymore. Because he was now on "high" wages he became even snootier than before, and made an attempt to talk down to people.
He was Junior Waiter. He had a title again and soon he would be as rich as the Missus Queen who lived in the big house in London.
So there!!
Five quid for just one hour! He couldn't believe it. He loved his Bel, but wondered what Jim would say about having to pay him more, especially as he cost the cafe a small fortune in broken crockery, singed tea towels and stowed away food.
As soon as he walked through the door they were at it again giving him wolf whistles and blowing raspberries, then everybody started howling laughing.
"Wossup wi' y'all today?"
"Get that bluddy owd black jacket off an' get thi' pinny on 'cos am dying to try summat off this new menu! Come on, hurry up and be sharp and get thi' pen and pad!"
"New menu? Wot new menu? I wasn't informed of this! Nobody even discussed it wi' me! How amma to serve if I don't know wot's on't menu?"
He plodded through to the back and removed his coat and put his nice clean white frilly pinny on, then returning with pen and pad at the ready, he went over to the first man that had spoken.
"Neh then, wot canna get ya today sir?"
Laughing his head off the man just pointed to the menu.
"I'll try some o' these lad burram not sure how ya pronounce it!"
Crusty took the menu from the man and could see that he was right and that the meals had indeed changed from Friday, but he'd never heard of any of them. He put on his spectacles, as he couldn't read the small print very well. Well, he doesn't read properly at all as we all know, but he can read food words!
"Oh reet. Am nor'a good reader burrall gi' it a go. It says Char-Grilled R'ssoles! Arseholes?"
All the customers burst out laughing as they watched the furrows in his brow grow deeper and deeper, and his face went redder and redder.
"Oh yeh, yeh, very funny! And wot smart arse decided to write this out!" he demanded.
Aggie went into fits and laughed so widely you could see all her gums.
"Aye, "smart arse" is reet lad. I'll bet thy arse did some smartin' t'other day! I don't know who made that menu up bur'it's bluddy good!"
They were off again, and Crusty shambled off and sat by himself at a corner table. It was going to take him some time to read through all of this, and this is what he read.