Re: Jokes for blokes

Sergeant to squaddies:
"Today, the education officer is going to give you a lecture on Keats...
and I bet none of you ignorant b@stards knows what a keat is!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

Re: Jokes for blokes

Patient: "Doctor, I'm very embarrassed to say this, but I'm having some problems with my waterworks. Whenever I pass water, it sprays all over the place and I often find myself in a bit of a mess. I have seen other men and when they do it the water comes out in a straight line."

Doctor: "Yes, well, don't be embarrassed. Please drop your trousers and I'll examine your penis."

Patient: "Very well, doctor. I'll do that."

Doctor: "Mmmm, yes, I see. What you have here, sir, are several holes all around your penis. The usual thing is to have just one in the end."

Patient: "Oh dear! Can you do anything to help me, doctor?"

Doctor: "Certainly. I'm going to send you to a specialist who can help you."

Patient: "That's a relief, thank you doctor. Is he a urologist?"

Doctor: "No, he's a clarinettist. He'll show you how to hold it."

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man, a pig and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, as a result of which they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a few weeks, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect night for love. In such a romantic atmosphere, that pig gradually started looking better and better, and soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it.

The dog was not happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. Over the ensuing weeks, the trio continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no further cuddling.

Then there was another shipwreck, and this time the sole survivor was a beautiful young woman. Slowly, they nursed her back to health, and she was gradually introduced to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze; perfect for romance, the four of them lying there.

The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over towards the girl and said, "Er, would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Re: Jokes for blokes

Lost in translation - real signs from around the world:

Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

Athi River highway (main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi): TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

Kencom poster: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Swiss restaurant menu: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Yugoslavia hotel: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Japan hotel: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Lobby of Moscow hotel: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Sign in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Zurich hotel: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Rome laundry: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Have you heard about that new Elbow tribute band called Arse? They're so good you can't tell them apart.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds on equipment he will use 3 times a year.

Re: Jokes for blokes

How true. I just can't see the attraction of sitting there for hours waiting for something to happen. I'd rather have a sleep.

Re: Jokes for blokes

FOR SALE: ONE GLOVE

Genuine reason for sale: Caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia.

Re: Jokes for blokes

What's the difference between a Jehova's Witness and a Skoda?
You can shut the door on a Jehova's Witness.

What's the difference between a Skoda and a tampon?
The tampon comes with its own tow rope.

What's the difference between being caught inside Kylie Minogue's bra and being caught inside a Skoda?
You feel a bigger tit in a Skoda.

(I have a Skoda; an excellent car!)