Re: Phil's Phings

If you find yourself in Burton (and not many do) I can offer a translation service

Re: Phil's Phings

What Kind of Fool Am I?

This is the original version of the article produced for the Derby Telegraph on 01.04.14

As this was written for April Fool's Day, I thought it might be appropriate to tell you about a few situations of extreme gullibility. I suppose the first thing I should say is that I'm certainly not in a position to take the moral high ground here. When it comes to gullibility, I'm your man. Not that I'm constantly sending money to claim lottery wins that I haven't entered, or trying to pay for the release of funds from Nigerian bank accounts, thank heavens, but I am rather suggestible and, therefore, easily convinced.

For example, about 12 years ago I was sent on a course which involved an extremely charismatic chap who helped you to visualise your goals and, allegedly, achieve them. One of our senior managers had, apparently, taken this course and was very impressed, so we all trooped off to Glasgow to do likewise. On the first morning, the charismatic bloke announced that there would be a coffee break at 10.30 but that would be the last one, as we wouldn't be drinking coffee ever again. I think we all wondered if this meant that the coffee was so vile it would turn us off it for life! Instead, later that morning, he put the whole hall of people through a form of self-hypnosis during which he convinced us that coffee was not something we would want to drink again.

Now, I used to really like coffee, the stronger the better in fact. However, since that session I have only had three cups of coffee, and two of those were because I didn't want to upset the person who had kindly made a cup for me. I just can't bring myself to want to drink it. Given this level of suggestibility, you can see why I avoid stage hypnotism like the plague and I'm a sucker for April Fool's pranks.
I don't usually perpetrate April Fool's and suchlike for the twin reasons that (a) I wouldn't like them perpetrated on me and (b) I can never think of anything remotely convincing. 40 years ago, however, I did work with one chap who was brilliant at this and, somehow along the way, I became his unwitting straight man.

At this particular organisation, there was a ritual whereby the handful of managers and office staff in the organisation, were called to the General Office in the morning and afternoon for tea or coffee (which I could still drink then).

The Office Junior was tasked with the unenviable job of making all of these drinks and then telephoning to call us to our steaming cups. This girl was young, pretty and very friendly but a little naïve in some ways. Colin was a departmental manager, rather handsome, with the ability to charm birds off trees, and he delighted in winding this girl up. I, on the other hand, was seen as rather serious and somewhat nerdy (you've seen the pictures so you'll know what I mean).

One day, as we were standing drinking our tea/coffee in the General Office, Colin was expounding that he always insisted on having leather soles for his shoes. The Office Junior inevitably asked why this was and Colin responded, in all seriousness, that his Doctor had prescribed them for his hearing loss. I was just about to take issue with this, when I noticed a sly and almost imperceptible wink. Thrilled to be allowed into the game, I concurred it was a well known fact that leather soles were an aid to impaired hearing. My testimony swung the day and the Office Junior was eager to hear more from Colin about this wonderful advance in hearing technology. He and I kept this up for weeks, and I'm not sure that he ever did tell her the truth.

My ability to keep a straight face and to agree with whatever story Colin came up with, no matter how surreal, was something we employed again and again and I think it became a challenge to him to think up increasingly bizarre and unbelievable yarns.


Inevitably, I was tempted to have a go on my own account, as I'll tell you next time.

Re: Phil's Phings

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Re: Phil's Phings

I tend to drag this article out every year - hope you like it!

Getting Cross at Easter

I know that I have banged on about this before, but I think it's a subject that warrants a little more discussion, so bear with me.

Just as an aside, that phrase 'bear with me' always makes me think of The Perishers in the Daily Mirror from years ago, where one of the characters had a bear called Gladly. It was called this because it had cross-eyes, from the hymn, 'Gladly , my cross I'd bear'. Seemed an appropriate aside considering the topic.

I think there are a number of problems with Easter. Firstly, why do we have this rambling festivity? I don't mean why do we have it at all, just why is it a moveable feast? No other celebration roams the calendar like this. Your birthday doesn't shamble about the zodiac as it thinks fit. Christmas doesn't leap out at you from behind a bush in August (although October is a distinct possibility, I'll grant you). You never know where you are with Easter, it can turn up at any time and, as a consequence, the prevailing weather may not be ideal for taking a holiday, like this year where exposure is considerably more likely than a sun-tan.

Then there's the advertising. In a perfect world, advertisers would really love us to treat Easter as another Christmas. You can see it in the style of the TV advertising, all glistening and appetising foodstuffs on a laden family table. I may be wrong (perish the thought) but I think they're on to a loser here. Easter just does not grab us in the same way.

For a start off, where's the focal point? At Christmas, it's pretty obvious that it's Christmas Day. Sure, the other days play their part, but Christmas Day is the Big One and no mistake. But how about Easter? Is it Good Friday? Hardly seems a time for rejoicing and getting out the festive fayre does it? Easter Day then? Well, possibly, but I don't think we'll ever be comfortable about celebrating a particularly brutal murder. Yes, I know all about the Resurrection, but you have to have all the doom and gloom to get to there, and I'm not even sure that the Church is all that convinced anyway. Whereas with Christmas, you can't go wrong, everyone loves to celebrate a birth and the story is the stuff of which childhood memories are built.

Christmas is also about rampant hedonism. From all sides you are encouraged to 'laissez le bon temps rouler'. Just about anything is possible and forgiveable. Easter, on the other hand, is all about guilt and how could it not be? I'm sure it was a great blow-out in the Middle Ages but, to be fair, after 40 days of the deprivation of Lent, when Lent meant giving up everything remotely pleasurable, not just the odd cream cake, I should think the Plague would have been a barrel of laughs.

Then there's Easter Cards. I had never even heard of these until I met my wife. It was just not something that our family did. Now you see them everywhere but, again, there's this lack of certainty about the tone that should be adopted. There are, of course, the outright religious ones but also you have a fair smattering of cute animals (bunnies, chicks, ducks etc.) What we don't appear to have, as yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time, is the humorous or downright obscene Easter Card. You may, of course, know differently and I'm sure you'll tell me.

As I've said before (A Modest Proposal), the timing of Easter always used to irritate me as a child. It just didn't fit in with my strong sense of what should be a proper narrative flow. You've got your Nativity story in the Advent period, and that's fine. Then three months or so later, we've got a fully grown man who is heading towards Jersualem and certain death. It's like Lewis solving the murder just after the first commercial break.

I may come back to this in the days ahead. In the meantime, Happy Easter (I think)

Re: Phil's Phings

Thanks for the reference Patsy, I've only just spotted it and my first thought was "Patsy has been pretty pproligic inetting stuck in to a good`discussion & has a brilliant sense of humour".

Don't change dearheart.......................

Re: Phil's Phings

I daresay, this post may come over as negative, but when I worked in commerce I grew tired of explaining that Easter fell on different days because the unchanging factor was the date of the feast of the Jewish passover, which is based on the cycle of the moon. Still with me?

It's explained in more detail by this clip from yahoo

"Easter is called a moveable feast because the date of Easter changes every year. Easter Sunday can fall on any date from 22 March to 25 April.
The reason for this variation in the date of Easter is based on the lunar calendar (moon) rather than our more well-known solar one.
Easter always falls on the first Sunday following the full Moon (the Paschal Full Moon) after 21 March. If the Full Moon falls on a Sunday then Easter is the next Sunday.
The Easter Season begins on Easter Day and lasts 50 days, ending on Pentecost. "

Re: Phil's Phings

Thanks Robert, now I know what to say if anyone asks me that question about Easter

Re: Phil's Phings

Useful explanation, Robert, thanks. I would point out that I usually have my tongue firmly stuck in my cheek when I'm writing these pieces

Re: Phil's Phings

Glad to be of use here.

Re: Phil's Phings

I wonder how this expression developed.