Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Enjoyed that chapter Mollie. Looking forward to reading about Bell going to see Crustie's mum

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Thanks for reading, lass.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

142

An Old Lady Tells a Tale
(and Fills in a Few Blanks!)

It was several hours later before Bel felt sober enough to get behind the wheel of her car and, after instructing Mrs Shepherd to strip Crusty's bed for the washer and throw the night dress he'd worn in the bin, she took him home then drove over to The Gables. Hearing about Mambo still being alive had completely knocked her for six and she was still trying to come to terms with it.

At the reception desk she asked to see Mrs Mambo Nibbleswick after explaining to them who she was and that she was a friend of her son Crusty. On hearing the name Crusty, the poor receptionist went as white as a sheet and tottered off in her sensible shoes to fetch someone more senior.

Nearly half an hour passed and Bel was beginning to get very impatient, but she didn't know that the name Crusty was going around the building and that everyone was diving for cover. Some of the bed-ridden patients were hurriedly pushed out on trolleys and wheelchairs by the more able, and it wasn't long before the corridors, wards and day rooms were cleared of people, leaving the facility like a ghost ship.

Eventually, the senior nurse on duty came out shaking with fear until she noticed that Crusty was nowhere in sight then, relaxing a little, she spoke to a grim-faced Bel.

"You took yer time!"

"Sorry about that. There was an emergency and we had to call an ambulance for an old man who suddenly had a heart attack. Now then! I understand you've come to see Mrs Nibbleswick!"

"That's right! I'm a friend of her son, Crusty!"

"Well I'm sorry, but she's a very old lady and Crusty is an extremely disturbing influence, not just on her but on everybody else."

She tentatively looked into each corner of the reception area.

"Where's he hiding? It's a little joke of his every time he comes. He goes and hides somewhere and then when you're not expecting it he leaps out of a cupboard or
something shouting boo! He's always frightening the patients out of their wits and he always seems to smell horrible!"

"Oh yes, he always stinks rotten. It's the farts and his stinkin' feet! Don't worry though, he's not here!"

"Thank God for that! Anyway, as I said, he isn't welcome here because he disturbs everybody!"

"Oh I know what he's like, believe me, but it really is very important that I see Mrs Nibbleswick. I've known Crusty for quite a number of years now, but I only found out last night that his mother is still alive and it's completely bowled me over. I only want to chat to her, that's all!"

"Very well Miss Leekey. You appear to be normal so I'll take you to her! She doesn't get many visitors, apart from Crusty, and she could really do without him."

She was escorted to Mambo's room and, for the first time, Bel saw Crusty's mother who was rocking away merrily in a rocking chair to the tune of Wimoweh which she was singing loudly in a screaming high pitched voice.

Wimpeyweh, wimpeyweh, wimpeyweh, hey
In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight

It wasn't hard to see that in her youth she had been very beautiful and even in old age there was something exotic about her, even though she did have a face like a prune. Her skin was the colour of milky coffee. She had long dark hair only just going grey, had soft twinkling oval brown eyes and her mouth was devoid of teeth.

When Bel entered the room the old lady stopped caterwauling and looked up with a puzzled expression and cupped her left ear in her hand.

"Eh? Who are you?"

"Hello! It's Mambo isn't it?"

Cupping her ear again she leaned forward, which was apparently something of a habit when speaking to people and did it every time she spoke, but her mind was as sharp as a razor.

"Eh? Wor'a coincidence girly! My name's Mambo as well. Come an' sit ya down lass! Ya look as if ya could do wi' tekkin't weight off! Yer a bluddy crumper aren't ya?"

"No Mambo! This is Bel here!"

"Eh? Ya can hear bells lass? Thackle be a ringing in yer ears. Ya'd best see a doctor about that!"

The senior nurse left them to it closing the door and rolling her eyes up. She knew how difficult Mambo could be.

Realising that the old girl was a bit deaf, Bel raised her voice a little as she was sitting down.

"I'm a friend of Crusty, your son!"

Fear spread across the old lady's face and she suddenly sat bolt upright, bringing the rocking chair to a standstill, her eyes wide in shock, her hair stood up on end and her mouth gaped open!

Crusty was right. She did look like a "mythacological Gordon creature".

"Eh? Yer going to send Crusty? Please don't! Oh please lass! If ya've gor'any sense o' decency an' a spark o' humanity in ya, ya'll not send Crusty here! I beg yer sweet mercy lass. I'll do anything, anything at all as long as ya don't send Crusty again! Next time ya see him tell him I've de'ed!"

Bel could see that the old lady was about to have a seizure so she very quickly explained.

"No, no! I said I'm a FRIEND of Crusty. Don't worry! He's not coming! Please calm yourself."

Mambo tapped her hearing aid then relaxed in her chair and started to rock again.

"Eh? Thank the Lord, thank the Lord! I didn't know he had any friends! He never used to apart from three weird looking buggers, but their names escape me now. Ya poor woman! If ya've made a friend o' Crusty then I'll guarantee that ya'll never get shut of him, and ya'll never have a moment's peace! When did ya first meet th'owd fart?"

"I've known Crusty for a while now and he's told me a few tales about when he were a little boy. I wondered if ya could tell me a few things about when he were young. Things he did, and things he gor'up to! Fill in a few empty spaces pr'aps? He's something of a blank canvas and it's very hard to know wot's going on in his head!"

"Eh? Well lass first off, there's nowt goin' on in his yed! Bur'anyway, there's one thing I can remember as clear as day. It were like it were only yesterday. It were't summer of 1940 and we hadn't been o'er here very long. The silly lickle sod had hidden in me dolly tub playing some daft game when he were about six. Well! He's not so big now bur'e were allers lickle for 'is age."

She stopped there for a moment, covered her mouth and started cackling. Her eyes were streaming with mirth and she started clapping her hands.

"Eh? I think he were playing air raid shelters or summat daft like that! Any road up, it were washing day an'ad fillt dolly wi' hot watter, then shoved me washing in to ler'em soak! Th'only trouble lass were tharra didn't know he were in theer until I grabbed him from't bottom by his lickle liberty bodice and knickers. I wondered where all't bubbles had come from as I hadn't pur'any Oxydol in yet, bur'it were him fartin' and drowning that were making't bubbles!"

She broke off again cackling and braying her heart out. Poor Mambo hadn't had such a laugh in years and she was savouring every moment of it.

"Eh? Any road up lass, I started rubbin' him up and down me scrubbin' board then he started splutterin' and wailin' about bein' wet! I 'ad an owd pig bristle scrubbin' brush in me hand at the time an' his poor lickle crusticles didn't half cop it! They were red raw by't time I realised worra were doing, poor lickle sod. I nearly ripped all't bluddy skin off 'em I did! They favvered two owd pimply gooseberries when I'd done! It were't cleanest he'd ever bin! He didn't half do some bluddy skrykin' o'er that!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Her mouth cracked wide open and she cackled in such a high pitch again that Bel had to cover her ears.

Bel also started laughing. No wonder poor old Crusty had an aversion to water and washing!

"I'm not surprised. Wot sort o' soap did ya use back in them days?"

"Eh? Oh! Well at first I used Lyril 'cos it were't cheppest until I could afford some Knights Castile or summat else. Me favourite were Camay, bur'it were a bit on th'expensive side so we ended up using some coal tar soap. That bluddy Lyril stunk like buggery, burra used't scrub Crusty wi' it once a month whether he needed it or not, nasty smelly lickle bugger!"

"He still uses Lyril!"

"Eh? Ya wot lass?"

Bel was getting fed up of her saying "eh" at the beginning of every sentence.

"I said he still uses Lyril!"

"Eh? Aye well! I remember back in around 1953 a block went missing from me cupboard and when I challenged him about it he swore it weren't him, lying lickle snot rag! Naturally, because he didn't like having a wash I believed him at first, burra soon found out thar'e'd stashed it away in his bottom drawer for a pressie for Soreen as a wedding present!"

Again she broke off for a moment while she recalled the occasion.

"Eh! I'll ber'a bluddy shillin' he never give it to her, tight owd sod an' he'll've kept it for himself, burra don't know wot fo'! There's only him thar’d make a bluddy block o' soap last for fifty years!"

"Well, as a matter of fact he did eventually finish that block off, bur'it were down to't size of a five pence piece. On the rare occasion thar'e used it he had to de-fluff it first. Ya'll be surprised to hear thar'e managed to acquire another block a few years ago which he still uses when I make him go for a wash or a shower!"

They both sat silently for a few moments thinking about what had just been said then Bel spoke again.

"Crusty were telling me a few tales a while back when we had a 1950s day. He said ya used't always see him across the road, even when he were in his late teens and early twenties!"

"Eh? Aye lass that's reet. Well! I used't try and shove him under a bus more like, bur'e couldn't half bluddy shift an'e allers made it to't t'other side, an' when he got there he'd grin like an ugly arsed orang-utan and wave at me, more's the pity! He were all bluddy teeth and hair in them days!"

Bel bit her lip feeling sorry for Crusty for once.

"Wor'a bluddy shame!"

"Eh? Wot d'ya mean, wor'a bluddy shame? You didn't have't bring him up otherwise ya wouldn't say daft things like that!"

"I'm sorry. Is it true wot Crusty tells me about the coal man dropping you an extra bag o' coal during rationing?"

The old girl started grinning and rocking again.

"Eh? Aye lass, he did that! I allers knew when he were around when I could hear't clatter of his clogs on't cobbles! Fancy him telling ya that!"

She went quiet for a moment and a dreamy look came into her old eyes.

"Ooh! He were a proper bonny chap. Proper big muscles and he were proper good lookin' an' all under't muck. Tommy Larkin were his name! I weren't so bad meself in them days. I liked a bonny mon, and Egglentine favvered a bluddy pee line in't snow at the side of him, may the gods show mercy on him! He were alreet in’t bedroom department as well," she grinned.

"Crusty read me a poem that you wrote after your long journey from Mombongo! It must've been a very hard crossing on just an owd raft! I can't imagine how you all survived!"

She looked at Bel, puzzled for a moment, her mind once again travelling back in time.

After five minutes she spoke.

"Eh? Has he still getten that?"

"Oh yes! He was so proud when he read it out to me. He really loves you ya know Mambo!"

"Eh? Well! I never liked the lickle sod, but that daft looking bugger Egglentine gid him me for a present. I'd've bin happier with a bockle of Evening in Paris or a bockle o' Californian Poppy!"

"I can understand that Mambo!"

"Eh? I mean! Let's face it! Who in their reet bluddy mind would want farty bluddy Crusty as a pressie? His arse an' his feet stunk bluddy rotten, bur'it weren't really his fault 'cos of his kipper slippers. That was until I had a bright idea and made him some nice lickle shoes out o' hollowed out coconut shells! Ya should've seen him trying't stand up in 'em when he were a babby! It were a bluddy scream an'e looked proper cute in his own way when he were rockin' along!"

"They couldn't've bin very comfy for him though could they?"

"Eh? I don't know. I never thowt about it really, bur'e seemed happy enough scuttlin' about in 'em on the rare occasions he stood up!"

"But you finally made it to England - to Wigan in fact!"

"Eh? Aye lass we did and it were a long tiring journey. It took us nearly six month and we were bluddy hungry by't time we landed as there were no chippies or caffs in't middle o't th'Atlantic Ocean back in them days! It took us a bluddy long time overland to get to't sea in't first place, bur'at least we'd plenty o' grub on't way."

"Didn't Crusty's little legs get tired walking all that way?"

"Eh! He didn't walk lass. He swung from tree to tree most o't time and he'd throw bananas and stuff down for us t'ayte!"

Bel's eyes watered up again and she snorted involuntarily.

"Eh? Any road up, once we got seckled in at Gees Court I kept trying't lose him when I took him for walks in his pram, bur'e were like a bluddy boomerang and kept finding his way back, or some other daft bugger'd fetch him back! They all knew who he was even back then!"

She broke off for another quick cackle.

"I thought you brought him over when he was five! He couldn't still have been in a pram then was he?"

"Eh? Oh aye! He wouldn't walk upright on his back legs on his own unless he had to, an'e were still in a pram when he were seven, or he went round on all fours, lazy lickle sod! He weren't happy unless he had a set o' wheels! After I made him walk on his back legs he made himself a Go-Kart out of his owd pram so as he wouldn't have't walk anywhere!"

"He's always bin a lazy sod then?"

"Eh? Oh that were nowt! It were another year before I managed't ger'is dummy off him! He favvered bluddy weel karting down't road wi' his dummy in his mouth wearing his short pants an' his owd black jacket tharrad cut down from one thar'is dad didn't want anymore. It were full of holes, but Crusty liked it. Any road, when I gor'is dummy off him I gid him a banana't suck instead!"

"So that's why he loves his food so much?"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Eh? Oh no! He were allers a greedy lickle bugger, even when he were born! He'd ayte sh!t wi' sugar on if there were nowt else! D'ya know summat Mambo? When he were doing his rituals to become a man he kept aytein' all't bluddy bananas thar'e were supposed to fetch down out o't tree!"

"Yes, he told me about thar'as well. I must admit though that that poem was absolutely brilliant!"

"Eh? I didn't write the poem lass, Egglentine did. He were cleverer than me at writing, bur'I towd him wot fot put!"

Bel's eyes were streaming by now and she blew her nose.

"Crusty also told me about when he used't have't trudge down to th'outside lav on a cowd winter's neet in Gees Court, and ya had newspaper hanging in squares on a nail on't back o't door."

"Eh? Oh aye! Everybody were in't same boat in them days lass! We started off wi' newspaper, bur'it were allers damp and ya ended up wi't th'eadlines tattood to yer arse. Any road up, I ended up gerrin some Izal at one point 'cos Eggy were earning decent money on't buses!"

"Oh, that's right. I remember Crusty telling me now. He was a bus conductor wasn't he? He gor'a job wi' Wigan Corporation didn't he after he'd done a stint in'th Army or summat?"

"Eh? That's reet! Trouble was, that Izal was more of a bluddy distributor than a wiper! Crusty allers used't come back wi' sh!t all't road up his back an' it were down to me to ger'it scraped off again. Eggy were bluddy useless at owt like that! It got so bad tharra ended up sewing some bluddy mud flaps to Crusty's knickers, bur'it were just as bad as it went all't road down his legs instead!"

Bel pulled a face then started tittering. Not much had changed.

"Crusty does know that yer nor'is real mam though, dun't he?"

"Eh? Aye lass, he does. I made that very clear to him a long while ago, bur'e still calls me mam. I can't imagine wor'is real mam were like, nasty owd bag. He dun't tek after his dad so he must tek after her, an' it didn't matter how many manners we tried to teach him, it made no difference at all!"

"But Egglentine was his real father though wasn't he?"

"Eh? Yis lass he were, bur'it were reckoned amongst the tribal members that Crusty's real mam must've getten pregnant twice at the same time. Once by Egglentine, and once by an owd hairy arsed chimp or summat, and the two babbies somehow got merged when they were developing and that they fused together which turned out to be a daft Crusty!"

"Eh? Are you serious? That's impossible! I know that can happen with cats but not with humans!"

"Eh? Who said he were human? Well anyway, that's wot th'elders said and they were't cleverest of all men! Their word was law!"

Bel started mumbling to herself.

"Well if they were't cleverest poor owd Crusty never really stood much of a chance then did he?"

"Eh? Ya wot lass? Speyk up! I know ya'd never think it burram a bit Mutt and Jeff!"

Ger'away!

"Oh, it was nothing."

Mambo leaned forward and looked more closely at Bel.

"Ya know summat Mambo. Ya don't look like a tribeswoman to me!"

"I'm Bel, remember?"

"Eh? Aye lass. I can hear bells as well now!"

"Can I visit you again sometime Mambo?"

"Eh? Course ya can lass. I've enjoyed telling ya about Crusty. Ya know summat lass! Ya wants to keep away from him. He's nor'a full bluddy shillin' an' he's as deef as a bluddy post! How long have ya known him?"

"Several years now, and he is a bluddy handful!"

"Eh? Tha' preaching to't converted. I had him for nigh on forty odd years on and off and when Soreen buggered off and left him he tried to move back in wi' me, burra couldn't be doing wi' that. It felt as if I'd only just getten shut of him. That daft bugger thowt her'd de'ed an' he paid for a funeral, flowers, breakfast an' everything. It didn't half make his bluddy eyes water havin't fork out, bur'er'd stowed away on a ship to Australia so I don't know whose funeral he paid for!"

"Yes I know. I met Soreen when she came over to ger'a divorce from Crusty and we went to see him at the cafe he works at and ........"

"EH? Ya mean to tell me that that nasty owd bugger works in a caff?"

"Yes, but don't worry. He's not allowed to handle food. He delivers trays of food and cups of tea and mops the floor as he's going!"

"Oh well, that's alright then!"

"Anyway I was telling you. He had the shock of his bluddy life when he saw Soreen again after all them years, and he thought I'd dug her up! Crusty told me all about the funeral as well, but ya didn't have't tell him ya were on yer death bed!"

"Eh? Well there were nowt else thar'd keep him away, bur'e's like a bluddy sniffer dog. He found me again so whenever he shows up I makes a quick exit!"

"Most people do, poor owd lad!"

Mambo stared so hard at this last remark that Bel felt as if her eyes were burning through the back of her head.

"Eh? Poor owd lad? Ya must be joking. Ya must be a bluddy glutton for punishment, that's all I can say! He'd make the Great Mombongo God Xthtynxinixth swear, he would!"

Eh? That sounded like Delroy saying stinky knicks?

"That's truer than you think! Well thank you for seeing me Mambo. I'll let you rest now so I'll be off!"

"Eh? Yer going for some scoff lass? Aye, am gerrin a bit peckish meself so it must be gerrin on for tay time!"

"I will call on you again though for another chat if that's okay. I've enjoyed this very much!"

"Eh? So have I lass. I don't get many visitors these days. I'll tell you a few more tales of wor'e gor'up to next time ya comes. I'll be more prepared next time!"

"Bye for now then!"

"Eh? Ya'll be telling Crusty that ya've bin a-visiting I suppose?"

"Oh yes Mambo. I'll have a chat with him about his visits to you. I'll try to stop him coming if that's wot you want!"

"Eh? There's nothing I'd like more lass, burra don't mind him coming every once in a while! Once every five years should cover it!"

"Okay then, I'll see worra can do!"

She left the old lady rocking in her chair looking for all the world like Norman Bates' mother!

Eh!

© Mollie M
08.03.04

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Enjoyed that Mollie, thanks for putting it on. Have a picture in my head of Crusty swinging from tree to tree A lot of people here say Eh at the end of sentences

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Really? Thanks for reading again lass.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

143

Sooty & Sweep
(and Bel Learns Crusty's Pet Name!)

The following afternoon, Friday, Bel called at Crusty's Crummy Cave on the off chance that he would be in. With the revelation of Mambo still being alive and now having met the lady in person, she wanted to talk to him about their meeting to see what his reaction would be. She knocked but got no reply, so she opened the door with her key and went straight into his kitchen.

"Wor'a bluddy mess! It doesn't look as if he's washed any dishes up for a few days and wot the bluddy hell is that racket he's gor'on't record player?"

Suddenly she heard him muttering loudly to himself, so she went into the living room where she found him on his knees in front of the fireplace covered from head to toe in soot. He hadn't heard her come in because of his record player being turned up full belt, and when she yelled, his shoulders leapt up six inches.

"Wot the bluddy hell have ya bin doin' owd lad? Yer as black as up't chimney. Weer's't been to get like that?"

He stood up and faced her grinning and rubbed himself down as best he could.

"Up't chimbley Bel! It looked a lickle bit mucky so I thowt I'd givvit a bit of a clean and now look at worrave gone and done! It's all o'er't place, burra did it 'cos I didn't want ya pasting me for havin' a mucky CHIMBLEY!"

"Ya daft sod! Yer supposed't ger'a chimney sweep for that kind o' job! Just look at the bluddy mess ya've made!"

"Eh? Oh! I didn't know that Bel! SORRY."

"I can see ya've bin skryking again!"

"How can ya tell THAT?"

"'Cos there's two streak marks running down yer chimpy owd chops, that's why! Tha' favvers bluddy Al Jolson again ya daft looking bugger!"

He pointed to the floor in front of the grate.

"I wish ya'd stop calling me names! I think me tiger rug's had it Bel!"

"Aye lad! I think yer right. It looks more like a bluddy owd black panther now, the poor owd bugger! Ger'it clod out lad."

"Will I go and shove it in't bin? I don't suppose there's any way of givin' it a bit of a clean is there Bel? I used't like purrin' me lickle feet on his yed!"

The tiger cringed.

"No lad. There's no chance o' cleaning it!"

Phew!

"Crusty! Wot the bluddy hell is that racket ya've got playing on yer record player? I've never heard so much bluddy crap in all me life!"

"It's me HILDA BAKER and ARTHUR MULLARD LP Bel! D'ya not like it?

"They seynd bluddy weel so ger'it switched off NOW!"

"EH? AM SORRY BEL!"

He went over to the record player and returning the LP to its sleeve, switched off the machine and silence ruled - for the moment.

"That's better! We can talk proper now instead of us bellowing at each other! D'ya know summat Crusty? I came to have a nice quiet little chat with ya, bur'it looks as if I'm goin't be up to me eyeballs again, cleaning all yer grot up!"

"Ta Bel! Oops"

Graaaawp, brrrrrip, shmumph!

"CRUSTY! Shmumph? That's another new 'un in't it?"

"Sorry owd lass. I've bin doin' thar'all day! It must be summat I've etten! I've bin aytein' bananas, silverskins, an'ave had some beans on toast this morning, plus fish and peys from't chippy!"

"Well it stinks like bluddy rotten eggs! I hope ya've not followed through wi' that! Is there owt sloppy in yer knickers?"

"I don't think so Bel, but there might've bin a bit o' seepage!"

"Ya dirty bugger! Ya just did two hard farts an' a soft 'un! Soft 'uns allers stink worst! Listen lad. It's bad enough tharram goin't get filthy wi' cleaning this soot up, burra don't think I can survive it if ya stink th'ouse out as well."

He grinned his famous chimpy grin.

"Well am proper sorry Bel, but wor'amma supposed't do? Ya cawn't fart in jars and store 'em on a shelf for use later on!"

She aimed a swipe at him and caught him on the end of his chin.

"Was that you're feeble attempt at humour? Well just try and keep 'em to't minimum then, and if ya feels one brewing up nip outside to do it!"

He got up off the floor rubbing his chin.

"Reet owd lass. I can manage thar'as long as they don't creep up on me!"

Graaaaawp!

"Sorry Bel! That one crept up on me!"

"Phew! Now then! When ya've thrown yer tiger rug away in't bin fetch yer Crustbuster and we'll see how much of this soot we can vacuum up, and fetch yer aerosol out o't bathroom as well and we'll give this room a spray!"

"Okay Bel!"

He got down on his bony little knees and, leaning over, folded the poor old tiger rug up in such a way so that its nose was up its own arse making its eyes water but giving it some peace at long last.

Schmuuumph-squeak!

"Am not very good wi' annink mules, nor'even dead 'uns, amma Bel? First of all it were poor owd Mister Blobbles and now th'owd tiger, not to mention Hector!"

"Who the bluddy hell's Hector?"

"He were me toytoise when I were a kid! I'd taken him outside to play wi' him then forgot all about him and left him outside all winter! When I remembered about him in spring there were nowt left bur'a shell! I were only a lickle boy so I didn't know!"

Wor'a bluddy shame (for the tortoise).

"Will we have a funeral for't tiger Bel?"

"Thee and thi' bluddy funerals! Ger'it in't bin ya daft sod!"

"Okay!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

The old tiger wrinkled his nose from the Crusty smell for the last time, said a prayer of thanks then happily let Crusty escort him to the dustbin.

Bel sat down with a thump in an unblemished armchair and looked round. She was fed up already, and the living room stank rotten. It was the Crusty and the tiger rug that had copped the most of it, but there was a bit more soot dotted about.

Crusty came trundling back in with the aerosol and Crustbuster, which he plonked in the middle of the room. Bel snatched the air freshener off him and emptied a third of it into the air and it gave off a lovely smell of gardenias, but there was still the aroma of Crusty farts underneath.

"Reet! You go and ger'a shower to ger'all that soot off!"

"Burra cawn't Bel!"

"Explain! Wot's yer excuse this time?"

"Er .... let me think. I know! Me shower's not working proper today!"

"Well have a sluice down at yer wash basin then. Ya can't keep trollin' about th'ouse like that otherwise everything else'll get filthy! I'll have a look at yer shower when I get time!"

"Reet y'are owd lass. Will do!"

Reluctantly, he had a good wash at his kitchen sink and came back looking reasonably clean.

Bel pointed at the Crustbuster.

"Well ger'it plugged in lad. It won't work bowt lecky!"

Paaaarp!

"I'm not plugging it in Bel! D'ya not remember wor'appened last time I did that!"

"Do you mean to tell me that ya've never done any vacuuming since ya gor'electrocuted years ago?"

"No Bel. If ya recalls, me house got flooded out when we came back from America and this new carpet's not really needed a vacuum since then!"

Smack!

"Ouch!"

Blobble!

"Ya nasty owd sod! Yer flood were nearly three years ago! Of course it needed a vacuum. Ger'it plugged in this instance. I'll switch it on if yer frikkened of it and will you PLEASE stop bluddy farting?"

"Am trying me best bur'it just keeps flirtin' out!"

He kneeled down on the floor again with his backside sticking up.

Brrriple, sluuurge, gramalamalama, shmumph!

"Crusty if you don't behave yerself I'll shove that plug up yer arse!"
"Sorry Bel!"

He put the plug in and switched the socket on. Then he hunched over with his fingers in his ears while Bel switched the machine on. It came to life at a touch and she started vacuuming, grinning at Crusty who was still hunched over cringing with fear.

"Si' thi' Crusty! It's okay now since I mended it for ya. CRUSTY! Tek yer fingers out of yer hairy owd ears. Can ya hear me?"

He heard her and looked round.

"Ooh ta Bel. Can I have a do?"

"Course ya can lad, but hang on a minute."

She did just a little bit more then switched it off while she moved the coffee table.

"Reet lad! You do under where't coffee table's bin and I'll get some more furniture shifted out o't way!"

With every confidence in the world Crusty took hold of the handle and pressed the on button.

BANG, SMOKE, CRACKLE, SIZZLE!

PAAAAAAAAAAARIP, PLOPPLE, seep!

"Bel, Bel, help me Bel!"

He started Jitterbugging with the Crustbuster just like before.

Parpetty-parpetty-parp!

"Wot the bluddy hell!"

Immediately, she charged like a raging bull over to the consumer unit in his little hallway and threw the main switch to the off position, then rushed back to Crusty to see if he was okay.

"Crusty?"

Once the power had been cut his knees had buckled and he'd slumped onto the floor with his hair standing on end like Beryl the Peril again, and his tongue was lolling over his left shoulder, his eyeballs were a-spin and he was dropping dirties left right and centre.

Bripple, graaawp, paaarp, sluuuudge, slurry!

"Crusty! Phew! Are ya alreet owd lad?"

"Yis Bel, ta very muchly. Will ya put the keckle on and make me a cup o' hot strong sweet tea for't shock? Me brains are jangling away in me yed."

"Tha's getten no brains, remember?"

"Oh aye! Bel, Bel, I'm not doing ANYMORE vacuuming, EVER AGAIN! It dun't like me thar'owd Crustbuster!"

She went and picked him up off the floor.

"Come on ya gawpin' owd sod. Or should I say grawpin' owd sod? I'll tek ya into't kitchen and I'll put that kettle on to boil for a nice brew."

She took his arm and helped him into the kitchen where she sat him down on a chair.

"Yer very kindlyful Bel. I don't know worra would've done if ya hadn't been here to save me again!"

"Well I only called on speck to have a chat. It's a good job I did, in't it lad? I wouldn't care, burra know I re-wired that Crustbuster properly an' it were okay when I used it just then!"

"I towd ya! Me and't lecky don't ger'on so good 'gether!"

"Ya'll still have't clean yer carpet though owd lad. I'll tell ya worrall do. The next time I'm in town I'll buy ya a Ewbank! Hang on! Let's get that back door open to let the stink out. There! That's better."

"Me mam used't have one o' them in't th'owden days when we lived at Gees Court 'cos her couldn't afford a proper vacuum cleaner! Ya don't have't plug them into't lecky do ya Bel?"

"That's right lad. I'll get ya one soon!"

He felt much better after he'd drank his tea, and Bel took him back into the living room and sat him down on his settee so that he could watch what she was doing. He went white when she took hold of his Crustbuster again, but it kicked into life without harming a single hair on her head.

It didn't bloody well dare!

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Si' thi'! It's no bluddy wonder ya gor'electrocuted. Tha's only getten th'owd stinkin' socks on thi' feet and they're weet through wi' sweat. Ya weren't insulated! I thowt I could smell summat else rottin', bur'it were covered up wi't farty smells!"

She finished the vacuuming and surprisingly there wasn't a lot of mess when she'd done. She'd even taken the suction hose part way up the chimney to keep Crusty quiet.

"Ya know lad ya should've kept yer gas fire then ya wouldn't've had this trouble."

"I know Bel, but there's nowt like a proper coal fire on a cowd winter's day! I allers like sitting next to yours in yer favourite living room when I comes a-visiting!!"

"When ya comes a-moidering ya mean! Now just be careful in future owd lad. I don't want to have to come here one day and find that ya've burnt the bluddy house to't ground!"

"Neh theer's a thowt tharra hadn't thowt of! In any case, me gas fire got ruined in me flood if ya remembers! I'll be most carefulful then Bel!"

She switched off the Crustbuster.

"There, done!"

"Thanks for cleaning me fireplace up an' all Bel. It were in a bit of a mess weren't it?"

"Yer at it again wi' yer understatements. It was more than a bit of a mess. Don't let me find out that ya've been black leading them tiles again and don't go rooting up't bluddy chimney any more. Ya never knows wot ya might find up theer!"

"Such as wot Bel?"

"Well there could be a few owd dead birds or pr'aps a skeleton of an owd Santa Claus up theer who got stuck about forty year ago!"

Brrrippple!

"A skellington? D'ya think so Bel? Pr'aps I should ger'a long proddin' stick and see if I can loosen it! It might still have a proper Santa outfit on tharra could have!"

Slap!

"Ouch!"

Blobble!

"Yer nor'half flirtin' 'em out today owd lad!"

"I know! It's horrible in't it Bel?"

"Horrible. I could think o' summat more appropriate, burra cawn't be bothered!"

"Ickle soon be Crisp Mus again Bel won't it? It comes round proper fast these days!"

"Yer reet theer owd fettler. It does indeed! Hang on owd lad. I'll have't go to't toilet."

"Don't Bel!"

"Why? Wor'ave ya done this time?"

He hid his head under a cushion to protect it from the blows.

"Nowt!"

She marched out of the kitchen and up the stairs. She looked round the bathroom, but couldn't see anything out of the ordinary at first so she used the loo, which was marginally clean, and then turned on the tap at the basin to wash her hands.

That's when she saw it.

The shower curtain had been pulled almost right across, but the breeze wafted it a little revealing the inside of Crusty's bath.

"Ger'up these bluddy stairs RIGHT NOW YA FESTERIN' OWD FART!"

"On me way Bel! I'd a feeling ya'd say that!"

He lolloped up the stairs, still with the cushion on his head. She was waiting for him at the top, but because he was watching his feet on the way up he didn't see her until his eyes came into contact with her boots, one of which was tapping the floor angrily and she held a galvanised bucket in her hand. Without even looking up at her he knew what expression she had on her face.

"It's only there temporary Bel. I'd no'weer else't pur'it! Didda do bad?"

"Here! Ger'it all out and when ya've fillt this bucket ya can tek it downstairs and tip it into yer little hut that ya don't use in't back garden and empty it!"

"But Bel! Ickle tek me forever't do that!"

"But nowt! Then, when ya've done that, ya can come back again, fill the bucket again and keep doing that until this bath's empty!"

"It's a good idea though Bel. If I'd thought o' thar'in't first place I wouldn't've gor'in bother with ya would I?"

The glare on her face would have stopped a runaway train.

"There's only bluddy thee thar'd fill their soddin' bath wi' three sacks o' chep coal! Ger'it done - NOW!"


Bel made sure he carried out her instructions to the letter and when he'd completed his task she made him wash his hands. She decided to stay for the evening so she sent Crusty to the chip shop for their teas while she made another brew.

Unfortunately, he got himself a double helping of mushy peas which didn't help his ongoing problem and they ate in silence while Crusty thought about what he'd done wrong and what kind of punishment Bel had in line for him.

Well! There was relative silence until the peas started working on him.

Bel was still trying to work out why he was as daft as he was and if there was anything that could improve his brain cell, but like the brain cell, she drew a blank.
He finished his last mouthful with a loud gulp.

"Mmmm! That were bluddy good that Bel! I loves a chippy dinner! It's me second one today!"

"Ya fat owd fart!"

Graaaawp!

"Phew, tha' stinks again!"

"Am proper sorry about me Crustbuster and the coal in't bath Bel! It took me nearly three hours to ger'it all out an' outside, bur'it does look a bit better now!"

Sulk!

"Worra ya sulking for now?"

"Well ya could've gid me a bigger bucket to use instead of me seaside bucket and spade. It'd've bin quicker."