Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Was it his Prostrate?

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Dealing with Wallpaper used to be a skilled job, now, anyone can Cut and Paste.

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

I have returned...the Shetland Isles are still beautiful,very peaceful,zero crime-rate-and Saxa Vord is exactly as I remember it from my childhood. [which seems like three centuries ago physically,but just yesterday in my memory] Went to visit my old home in Quendale,too-and it's still exactly as I remember. The wonderful thing about Shetland is the unwillingness of anyone to move there,so it hasn't become a series of rapidly-built estates.
So,how are you lot fairing?

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Howya Pug, lovely to have you back, it's nice to visit places from our past.
That reminds me of an ad I saw about six years ago, wonder did he get anyone to go with him.

This is the ad word for word.

Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me.
This is not a joke.
P.O.Box322,
Oakview, CA93022.
You'll get paid when we get back.
Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed.
I have only done this once before.

I often wonder how he got on, maybe he was only allowed one go but he got greedy and now is floating around on that huge Google cloud somewhere in space. 'Being your own weapons? get paid when we get back? what was he planning? a bank job perhaps and then coming back with a few sacks of gold sovereigns, no problem getting rid of them today, they are snapped up as soon as they come on the market.(I presume paper money burns up in the transporting process)

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

It must be good to go to Shetland, unless you owe someone a Pony.

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Jem; I'd wager that's a chap wanting to go somewhere like Greenland,or perhaps the Kamchatka peninsular,where yurts are 'home' and weapons are required to beat off bears & wolves,chop wood for fires,skin whatever you can catch/trap-and on a 'busy' day,bump into a native of the region,who tries not to laugh at your attempts to look casual as you try not to shiver.
Yep-I once walked from Alaska to the Kamchatka,across the frozen ice of the Bering Straight. it's three miles-and the number of sleds going both ways,full of stuff to trade,was incredible. You'd think it was an icy and unpopulated place-but the locals do a LOT of 'trading' when the ice hits...none of it official,y'understand. Tax? Youwot?
Plus,may I just say,spits...those ponies are WELL tough,mate. The little buggers are as strong as the bigger versions,such as Clydesdales....but in compact form. They're excellent for pulling the peat sleds,bruv...which can be really heavy if the peat stacks have had rain on them. Small-but VERY capable of surviving in circumstances most humans would run from,mate.

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Ok,chaps and chapettes.......
I present to you,for your edification and enjoyment - "The Battle of Trafalgar."

[That is;Modern Day Trafalgar,21st Century style...]

Are you sitting comfortably? ... Then I'll begin...



Nelson… Order the signal hoisted,Hardy.
Hardy… Aye,aye Sir.
Nelson… Eh? Hold on,that’s not what I dictated to the signals officer. What’s the meaning of this?
Hardy… Sorry,Sir.
Nelson… (Reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his duty,regardless of race,gender,sexual orientation,religious persuasion,or disability". What utter Gobbledygook is this,Hardy???
Hardy… Admiralty policy I’m afraid Sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devils own job trying to get 'England' past the censors,lest it be considered a racist term.
Nelson… Good GOD,Hardy! This is ridiculous! Pass me my pipe and tobacco,man.
Hardy… Sorry Sir,all naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments.
Nelson… Oh,for fu-in that case,break open the rum ration. Let’s splice the mainbrace and strengthen the men's fervour before battle.
Hardy… The rum ration has been abolished,admiral. Its part of the government’s policy on eradicating binge-drinking.
Nelson… Good God Hardy! REALLY? Ok;I suppose we’d better get on with it then. Full speed ahead,man!
Hardy… I think you'll find there's now a four-knot speed limit on this stretch of water,sir.
Nelson… Four knots?!?...Damn it man! We’re on the eve of the greatest sea-battle in history! We must advance with all dispatch. Get up the mast and report from the crows nest,immediately!
Hardy… That won’t be possible,sir.
Nelson… What? WHY won't it 'be possible',Hardy?!?
Hardy… er;Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest sir. No harnesses,y'see. Plus they say the rope ladders don’t meet regulation requirements,sir. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson… Jesus H Christ! Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay,Hardy!
Hardy… Not possible,sir. He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle,sir.
Nelson… Wheelchair access? You WHAT? I’ve never heard anything so damned absurd!
Hardy… It's Health and Safety again,sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled
Nelson… 'Differently abled'? I’ve just the one arm and one eye! I refuse to hear mention of that bloody silly phrase!
I didn’t rise through the ranks of the admiralty by playing the disability card,man!
Hardy… Sir,the Royal Navy is reported to be under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Nelson… Visua - you mean,our lookouts can be blind!?! What the F#CK next? RIGHT;give me full sail,the salt spray beckons,Hardy!
Hardy… Er,a couple of problems there too,sir. Health and Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. Plus they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt air – have you not seen the papers,sir? Article 229,sub-section 42,paragraph 16?
Nelson… What the FU...I’ve never heard such infamy! Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy!
Hardy… The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
Nelson… What?!! This is mutiny!
Hardy… It’s really not sir;the men have no intention of mutinying,sir. It’s just that they're worried about being charged with murder if they actually kill anybody,sir. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board,watching everyone like hawks.
Nelson… Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish,eh?
Hardy… Actually sir,we’re not,sir.
Nelson… We’re NOT?
Hardy… No,sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European Partners now,sir. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water,sir. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
Nelson… But,but,but-y'needs hate a Frenchie the way y'hate the devil,Hardy!
Hardy… Umm-I wouldn’t let the ships diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary charge.
Nelson… Hardy,you must consider every man who speaks ill of your Monarch an enemy,!
Hardy… Not any more sir. We have to be all-inclusive in this multicultural age,sir. Put on your Kevlar vest,it’s the rules.
Nelson… Don’t tell me,let me guess – 'Health-and-f#cking safety' right?. Whatever happened to rum,sodomy and the lash?
Hardy… As I explained Sir,rum is now disallowed. Plus there’s also a ban on corporal punishment,now,sir.
Nelson… Is there,by God! What about sodomy??
Hardy… Due to the Equality Rules,sodomy is now legal Sir.
Nelson… IS it! In that case - Kiss me,Hardy!-----Mmmwwaah. . . urrhhk.

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Pug dear boy, a very good read and educational too.

I believe that the famous last words of Nelson have been misquoted down the years as "Kiss me Hardy"

Rather than the actual words "Kismet Hardy"

Jimi Hendrix had the same problem with "Scuse me while I kiss this guy" being heard rather than the correct "SCuse me while I kiss the sky".

George Mellys autobiography "Rum, Bum & Accordian atributed his sexual predilections as being "chained to a lunatic"

Nelson according to Joe Orton was a Nance.
WE have Joe's alter ego Edna Welthorpe to thank for that.

Good to have you back PUG

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

the quote was in fact "ya gonna miss me Hardy" or was that " are ya gonna miss me Hardy?" mind you his second lieutenant WAS heard to say "I need a piss Hardy"

mind you I tend to believe the more traditional one " this as been bliss Hardy"

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

I thought we don't do anything modern here =here =here

nelson won the battle of trafalgar full feckin stop - never mind all these fancy word we won it fare and square