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17-02-2012, 01:44 AM
361

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Riveting read there Mollie How brave is Bel? Hope she's ok though after all that.
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17-02-2012, 01:52 AM
362

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Did you read Chapter 99 though, Carmen? Poor Crusty is at his wit's end not knowing if he'll ever see his Bel again.
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17-02-2012, 01:54 AM
363

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Funnily enough I checked the chapter nos. last night as thought we were getting close to 100!! Will have to save it til tomorrow though as off to bed now. Its been a pleasure reading them Mollie
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17-02-2012, 01:59 AM
364

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Originally Posted by Mollie ->
Did you read Chapter 99 though, Carmen? Poor Crusty is at his wit's end not knowing if he'll ever see his Bel again.
I knew you'd ask me that, as I didn't comment on it Yes I did, and I was amazed that Bel forgot that Crusty was there and never made him any dinner!!
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17-02-2012, 02:05 AM
365

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Originally Posted by marpaul ->
Funnily enough I checked the chapter nos. last night as thought we were getting close to 100!! Will have to save it til tomorrow though as off to bed now. Its been a pleasure reading them Mollie

Cheers Marian. It's been a pleasure putting them on if you enjoy reading them.

Originally Posted by Berxer ->
I knew you'd ask me that, as I didn't comment on it Yes I did, and I was amazed that Bel forgot that Crusty was there and never made him any dinner!!
No lass, the only reason I mentioned it was because I'd hate for you to miss a chapter. As you know, they're in sequence so if you miss just one, you could lose the plot!

I'll wait until Marian's caught up before I put the next chapter on.
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18-02-2012, 12:46 AM
366

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Am up to date Mollie Like Carmen said, a riveting read Would love to have seen Bel parachuting Hope she's ok though. Poor Crusty being left alone, bet he's missing her like mad
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18-02-2012, 12:56 AM
367

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Thanks Marian, for letting me know.
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21-02-2012, 01:01 AM
368

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

101

Crusty - Dog's Best Friend
(and Bel Returns!)



"Oh, my God! This soldier's bleeding! MEDIC!!"

After her victorious return with her two prisoners, the short-lived celebrations stopped suddenly and panic set in. The field medic rushed to Bel's side to find out where the blood was coming from.

He very quickly discovered that a bullet had penetrated her left upper arm but, because of the amount of fat in that area, the bullet had lodged just half an inch inside instead of passing through.

Because the bullet had had such a lot of tissue to get through it had soon started to slow down which, in a way, was better because had it exited there could have been a lot more damage to the soft tissue.

She'd known immediately when she'd been hit but, nevertheless, like a female Arnold Schwarzenegger in an action packed movie, she'd picked up the loaded rocket launcher, slung it onto her shoulder like it weighed no more than a handbag, and blasted that encampment to hell.

She'd sat tittering and watched all the explosions from her safe distance for a while, making sure that there was nothing left of the ammunition, weapons and vehicles. She then did her best to wrap the wound until she could get back to the British Army unit but that was a day and a half's drive away!!

Fortunately it hadn't bled profusely but, because of the fact that she was under a great deal of pressure, the intense heat of the day, the intense cold of the night and because she had two whinging prisoners in the back, she was extremely tired and the loss of blood had eventually got to her.

It was pure nowtiness, and a lot of luck, that had driven her hard enough to get back to friendly territory and wouldn't allow a bullet of theirs to bring her down!

Or was it something greater from above "keeping vigil"?

Because of the wound she had received, she decided upon a suitable punishment for her prisoners, so she "forgot" to feed them, which is strictly in contravention of the Geneva Convention but, as a civilian in her Army outfit, she didn't think it counted. She let them groan from hunger in the back of the Land Rover for the next couple of days while she ate her Army rations, which had been severely depleted because she'd been away longer than expected.

She'd been bluddy hungry!!

She came round after about ten minutes and the medic performed a field operation on her arm giving her some gas and air while he removed the bullet.

He told her that she had to rest up for a couple of days before even considering making the dangerous return journey to England and for once, she did as she was told.

-oo0oo-

Meanwhile, back in England, Crusty and Palethorpe had got into a nice little routine. He'd made the decision to stay at his own house while she was away, thereby saving his petrol and all the to-ing and fro-ing to Mawdesley to feed the dog, so he'd brought Palethorpe back to Pemberton with him.

They'd been to Southport one day, and Crusty had taken Bel's frisbee with him so he could throw it across the beach for Palethorpe to chase. On its return, the dog would sling it up into the air from its mouth where the toy would float off on the wind and Crusty would hare off after it, his eight strands of hair swept back, and bring it back to Palethorpe between his teeth, dropping it at the dog's feet with a happy grin.

They'd both then sit down on the sand panting from their exertions, tongues dangling and dripping, and then they'd have a scratch and a nuzzle, then back to the game and every now and then they'd have a lap of water from one of the sh!tty little pools that had formed in the sand.

He'd liked playing this game with Bel before she left, and both pigmy and dog were having a wonderful time.

Crusty had known that he and the dog would be good company for each other, and on the fourth afternoon of Bel's absence, Crusty had a thought.

"Neh then Palethorpe. How d'ya fancy goin' for a nice lickle walk wi' me?"

Palethorpe looked up at him with gentle brown eyes and gave a little woof.

"Reet then, come on. I've getten yer lead here. I se'ed it hanging up on't back door at yer mam's so I fetched it wi' me! Come on lad, let's pur'it on!"

As Crusty approached, the little dog started growling.

"Wossup owd lad? D'ya not like havin' a lead on? Well we've got to otherwise we'll ger'in a lorra bother. Come on!"

"Growl, snap, bark, yap!!"

"Well alreet then. I'll tell ya wot we can do. Si' thi'!"

"Grrrrrr!"

Crusty put the dog collar around his own neck and gave the lead handle to Palethorpe then they set off on a nice walk to look at the shops in the village.

Palethorpe trotted proudly in front of Crusty with the lead in his mouth, and Crusty trotted happily along after him.

On their travels they met up with Faggie, Aggie and Maggie who were having a similar walk, window-shopping.

Maggie spotted him first.

"Si' thi', look who's here!"

All three of them stopped in their tracks and started cackling.

Aggie bent down and spoke to Palethorpe, patting him on the head.

"Neh then, hello lickle man. I can see yer tekkin' yer doggy for a walk. He's a fat owd bugger in't he! Phew! He dun't half bluddy stink. Ger'im in't bath when ya ger'im wom! He smells like he's been rollin' o'er in some sh!t! Wot's his name then, eh? Ya wot? Eeee, did ya hear that girls? He says his doggy's name is Arsewipe! Neh lissen lad, ya've getten't watch out for owd Arsewipe here ya know, especially when yer walking past lamp posts and trees, bur'if ya don't keep yer eye on him he'll cock his leg up on yer legs as well, nasty owd bugger!"

They all started cackling again and in turn they all patted Crusty on the head as they continued their walk.

Crusty was not amused, but Palethorpe appeared to have a wide grin on his face.

When they got home Crusty put the kettle on, and put a bowl of cold water down for the dog who slurped it up noisily and greedily.

"Sluurp, slop, slavver, sluuuur-up!"

He makes awful noises our Crusty!!

Only joking! Er .......

Crusty took his cup of tea into the living room then turned the telly on to watch the news while Palethorpe snuggled down on his blanket for a kip. He settled down in his old chair and paid attention to what was being said.

He'd had his eyes glued to the television ever since Bel left hoping to hear of some news about her. He didn't know why he thought there might be news about his Bel as he still hadn't worked out where she'd gone, but he just knew she was doing something she shouldn't.

Six days after his Bel had gone he heard that the Army had captured that Mad Sam Insane person and somebody else whose name he couldn't quite catch. He gave his hearing aid a tap.

"Mad Sam Insane? Wor'a funny name!"

They showed photographs of both prisoners who looked like they'd been involved in a plane crash!

Crusty snickered.

"I ber'it were my Bel that did that to 'em. I can tell her style. They've both getten lumps on their yeds and black eyes, and they've getten't same dazed expression on their faces!"

Then his heart grew sad again. He missed Bel so much and was still very worried about her, but he did as the Lord had instructed and put his faith in Him and his Bel.

There was nothing else he could do. He didn't know who to ring to enquire after her so he just moped around feeling useless.

Crusty went to his little job in the cafe the following morning only to find that Faggie, Aggie and Maggie were already in before him.

"Hey up, he's here now! Come on Arsewipe and get yer pinny on!"

"I'll not be a minute lass! Let me get me jacket off first!"

"He'll answer to owt won't he girls! Come on, let's givvim a lickle song:

How much is that doggy in the window
The one with the waggly arse
How much is that doggy in the window
I do hope that doggy dun't fart!

I don't want a plate o' lickle fishes
I don't want a pig's yed that talks
I just want to ayte some lickle biscuits
An'a do hope owd Arsewipe dun't fart!


They were at it again.

"Come on Arsewipe, shift yer tail and ger'agate. We're bluddy hungry. Three teas and some digestives!"

"Alreet, alreet, am doin' me best!"

He scuttled around and put his pinny on then got their order, which he very quickly placed before them, with extra saucers for their teeth.

Maggie patted him on the head and Crusty grinned with his tongue hanging out.

"Who's a good boy then? I like 'em well trained like that. I cawn't stand 'em when they're purrin their nasty paws on ya. Look at him! He's pantin' away! His bluddy tung's danglin' out drippin' an' he's done nowt yet! D'ya want a nice bowl o' cowd watter lad? Come on, shake a paw!"

"Will ya leave me alone! I were only tekkin't dog for a walk!"

"It looked like t'other road round to me lad! In any case, worra ya doin' wi' a lickle dog. Poor lickle bugger, havin't pur'up wi' you!"
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21-02-2012, 01:06 AM
369

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"Well he belongs to my Bel an'am lookin' after him while she's away, and he dun't like wearing a lead so I thowt I'd givvim a lickle treat."

"Well I must admit tharrave never seen a dog wearin' a sh!tty owd black jacket before. That were a bluddy treat for us weren't it girls!"

"Aye!"

-oo0oo-

The rest of his week went relatively quietly and on Sunday morning Crusty awoke to hear Palethorpe yapping his head off.

Trundling downstairs he called out to the dog.

"Wot's up owd lad? Worra ya yappin' for? D'ya want a pee?"

The dog was doing summersaults and dashing round, yapping and rolling over. Crusty thought he'd done something to hurt the poor animal and he chased around all over the place trying to catch it.

Two minutes later there was a knock on the front door.

"Oh bother! Who's that comin' a-moiderin' at this time on a Sunday morning? It'd best not be them bluddy kids again!"

He gave up his frantic chase for Palethorpe, who was still doing cartwheels in the kitchen.

He licked his fingers then slicked his eight strands back into place and went and opened his front door.

"Crustabel!"

"How do me owd fruit bat. How are ya?"

"Oh, Crustabel!!"

Well, Crusty went wild. In his excitement at seeing his Bel again, he went and joined Palethorpe and he too started doing cartwheels, then he jumped up again and went back to the front door where he'd left his Bel standing.

"Bel, Bel! Am so glad't see ya. Come in, come in out o' that cowd weather. Weer's't getten thi' sun tan from?"

"Calm down owd lad. I'm so glad to see thee an' all."

He made a grab for her to give her a cuddle, but she sidestepped him just in time.

"Mind me arm owd lad!"

"Why wossup wi' it? Wor'ave ya done Bel?"

"Oh I hurt it while I were away bur'it'll be okay soon."

He looked very concerned now. He'd only just noticed that it was in a sling, and he gently escorted her into his crummy living room where the old tiger skin was still festering away on the floor in front of the fire.

It looked up at Crusty when he walked in and gulped. It was trying to think of a way of escaping again without being noticed.

"Weer's't bin owd girl? I've bin out o' me mind wi' worry!"

"I'm sorry lad. There was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't phone ya from where I was, burra came straight here when me plane landed. I've nor'even been home yet as I wanted see ya."

"Well am glad ya did lass. Neh then owd girl, d'ya want a feed. I could cook us some ......."

"No ta lad. I'm only really in't mood for a cup o' tea just now. I've had a long journey an'ave had some scran on't plane. Me guts are playing up a bit too so I don't want make 'em any worse from aytein' your crap!"

"Reet lass, I'll put that kettle on't boil and then ya can tell me all about wot ya've been up to."

"I'll come into't kitchen wi' ya lad and ..........."

"Er - no Bel. Best not."

"Alreet then! I tek it it's in pig state again."

"Only temporarily Bel!"

She eased herself into her specially made wide concrete reinforced chair and closed her eyes, the past week finally catching up with her.

When Crusty returned with the cups of tea she was snoring gently. She looked so peaceful and comfortable that he hadn't wanted to disturb her, so he sat opposite her and watched over her while she slept.

He looked up to the ceiling.

"Thanks owd fettler for lookin' after her for me. I don't know weer her's bin or wor'er's bin doin' but wor'ever it is it's quietened her down for a bit. Ta very muchly me owd prater. I'll not forget this!"

The Lord (more fondly known to Crusty as Th'Owd Fettler) looked down upon the Crusty and gave him a smile and a thumbs-up sign.

All of a sudden there was a sound in the otherwise silent house.

Plurrr-up!

Crusty looked round. He knew it wasn't him, and Palethorpe was outside playing with some leaves.

"Wossat?"

Pluuurp!

There it was again!

A huge grin came across his face then, realising it was his Bel that was doing some squeaking.

He'd never heard a feminine fart before!

He started tittering and his eyes watered up. He desperately wanted to laugh out loud but was afraid he might waken her.

Pareeep!

He started giggling and stifled the laughs by clapping both hands over his mouth while he waited for her to do it again.

Pareeep!

Crusty was having a whale of a time but suddenly Bel woke up, so he very quickly straightened his face. He was afraid that if she caught him laughing at her she'd give him a clout.

"Phew wor'a bluddy stink! Who's let Polly out o' prison?"

Crusty fell into a heap giggling and tittering away.

"Has thy bin fartin' again?"

"No Bel, it weren't me this time!"

"It'll be that little bugger, Palethorpe. Weer's he getten to now?"

"He's in't back playing, bur'it weren't him either!"

"Well who ........."

Crusty could contain himself no longer. His face was deep red through trying to stifle the laughter, but it had got too much for him. He started rocking about in his chair, hands clapped over his mouth again then he bashed himself on the belly, laughing his head off.

"Who else is there Bel?"

She blushed a deep shade of red as well.

"Oh I am sorry Crusty owd lad. Bluddy 'ell it dun't half stink dun't it! D'ya want me't go wom. It'll've been caused wi' that bluddy awful food I've been ayetin' while I were away! I towd ya me guts were off. I feel terrible now!"

"Don't be daft Bel. It dun't matter. Wot's a fart between friends? Hey up, I've just had a thowt!"

He whooshed off upstairs passing the tiger rug on his way. It had spotted an opportunity for escaping when Crusty went into the kitchen and Bel had fallen asleep, and it had crept off. Crusty made a mental note to haul it back to the living room on his way down again.

He rushed into the bathroom and sniffed up. Wor'a whiff! He opened the window, got out an aerosol and sprayed it about.

Then he stuck his big nose into the toilet to see if there were any monsters and discovered some biologically re-formed waste from his digestive system, better known as turds, so he flushed them away.

Crusty started wondering why they always came out approximately the same shape and size every time!

"They must have't go through a lickle tube that makes 'em into a special shape on yer insides, like a cigar maker, 'ceptin' for when ya've getten't runs and they don't have time't get rolled up proper 'cos it's too sloppy!"

That's a very good explanation Crusty!

Yukky!

Then, he took his cloth and wiped around the toilet bowl and the washbasin. Lastly he got his scrubbing brush and vim and scrubbed the scum mark off the bath.

Oh, no! It's not what you're thinking. He hadn't been having a bath, don't you worry about that!

No, it had suddenly dawned on him a few days before that his towels were muckier than a pitman's knickers, so he'd thrown them into the bath to soak. No washing powder was added, or any other cleaning agent for that matter, and he'd left them to soak for three days, and the cold water had managed to lift a little of the dirt from them.

When he'd taken the plug out to allow the water to run away, there was a nasty rim left around the bath.

Anyway, he whooshed back downstairs again wondering where the tiger rug had gone and found that it had resumed its position in the living room, but Bel had disappeared this time.

"Weer's her gone now?"
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21-02-2012, 01:09 AM
370

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

He stood rocking on his ankles for a moment, thumb in mouth, and then he heard her voice at the back.

She was playing with Palethorpe who had been delighted to see her again.

"Hiya Bel. Ya know, it were a good ten minutes before ya knocked on me front door earlier and Palethorpe were goin' bluddy mad. I think he must've known ya were coming!"

"Aw, the little love! Well that could be true Crusty 'cos dogs do have extra senses than us!"

"Have they? Well how come I've not gor'any sense at all then?"

Bel threw her head back and laughed.

"Probably 'cos ya've getten no brains!"

"Oh aye, I hadn't thowt about that!"

It was good to be back. It was good to see Crusty again, and that was something she never thought she'd think. She hadn't even really noticed the rotten smell in Crusty's house as she'd got used to bad smells in Iraq and the stink was still in her nostrils.

"Ne' mind lad. I like ya just the way y'are!"

That put a grin on his face again. She hadn't called him any names yet and, more to the point, she hadn't shouted at him for the mess his house was in again.

"Ya know Bel. It is nice't have a normal conversation without us fratchin' an' callin' each other names!"

"It is lad, bur'it's only 'cos I'm not back to normal yet. Givvit a day or two eh lad?"

"Oh, okay then Bel!"

"Oh, I nearly forgot owd lad. I've fetched ya a pressie back. I gor'it down a road in the Old Bazaar in Baghdad an' it were called .... now wait for it .... The Street of A Thousand Arseholes!"

"Ger'away Bel. Yer havin' me on!"

"No honest, I swear to God and hope to die. That was the translation of it. Here y'are."

She handed him a carrier bag, which he opened up and stuck his head deeply down into it.

When his head came out again it had a great big cheesy grin on its chops.

"For me Bel? Oooh this is the bestest pressie ya've ever, ever bought for me!"

"Ya know woritis then owd lad?"

"Yeh, it's an Arab outfit for me to add to me collection. I'll be able't wear this at me next fancy dress ball! There's an Arab frock here, a tablecloth for me yed and .... does this rope go round me neck Bel?"

"No lad it goes round yer yed as well to keep yer tablecloth on, bur'it'll come in useful for yer neck when ya ger'out o' line!"

"Oh reet. And wot's this? Oh, it's a Tommy Cooper hat an' all!"

"It's called a Fez owd lad!"

"Is it? Will I wear this on top o't tablecloth?"

She rolled up her eyes.

"No ya great gallopin' .... When I've unpacked me stuff there's another outfit I'll let ya have. It'll really suit ya, bur'it might need a nip an' a tuck! I'll do a few alterations to yer Arab outfit as well when I've got time as it is a bit on the big side."

"Thanks Bel. Ya knows how much I likes me different outfits!"

"I do lad. Neh then me owd luv, canna use yer phone? I want to ring for a taxi to tek me and Palethorpe home."

"Ya can if ya wants Bel, burrad be only too happy't tek yer in me lickle car!"

"Well that's kind of ya owd lad burra told ya once before that ya'll not get me in that bluddy owd Noddy car o' yours and yer driving's bluddy frikkenin'!"

"Alreet Bel. You phone for a taxi then. When will I see ya next d'ya think?"

"I'll give ya a ring some time tomorrer when ya've finished at the caff. I need a good few hours sleep and then I might feel a bit better. Okay lad?"

"Okay Bel. I'll look forward to it. Will ya be able't manage at home wi' yer arm bein' in a sling. I know it's bluddy awkward when ya've gor'an arm or a leg out of action. I remembers wor'it were like when I were in traction that time."

"I know lad. It is awkward, burrall be okay for openin' tins for't dog and cooking, burra cawn't drive wi' it like this so I'll have't do a bit o' taxiing about for a while. Don't worry about me Crusty. I'll manage lad!"

"Well, if yer sure Bel, bur'if there's owt ya need, owt at all, just gimme a ring an' I'll be there't help in any way I can."

"You're a good boy!"

"Don't you start Bel."

"Worra ya on about now owd lad?"

He told her about the day he'd taken Palethorpe for a walk and they'd met up with the three Stygian witches, and the fun that was made of him the day after.

She smiled at him fondly.

Only Crusty would think of reversing roles with a dog!

Just then her taxi arrived and Crusty saw her to the door.

"Reet lad. I'll give ya a ring tomorrer. You be a good boy until then! Come on Palethorpe. Womsy time!"

With that, she patted Crusty on the head, snickered, and left him standing there wagging his tail!

Pluuurp!

Paaarp!

Pareeep!


They were getting back to normal already!


© Mollie M
20.02.03
 
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