Re: Jokes for blokes

A group of Osama Bin Laden's Taliban soldiers were marching down a track in Afghanistan, when they heard an American voice call out from behind a sand dune:

"One Marine is better than ten Taliban!"

Bin Laden quickly dispatched ten of his finest soldiers over the sand dune, whereupon there was a fierce gun battle, followed by silence. An American voice then called out:

"One Marine is better than 100 Taliban!"

The furious Bin Laden immediately sent his next best 100 soldiers over the dune. A battle raged for ten minutes, followed by silence. An American voice then called out:

"One Marine is better than 1,000 Taliban!"

Enraged, Bin Laden mustered 1,000 fighters and sent them over the dune. There was a huge battle lasting for more than an hour, followed by silence. Eventually, one wounded Taliban fighter crawled back over the dune and, with his dying words, told Bin Laden:

"Don't send any more. It's a trap. There are actually two of them."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV, there has been a marked drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently, a lot of terrorists didn't realise what a virgin looks like.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Osama Bin Laden phoned President Bush and said, "Mr President, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America and it was beautiful, and on top of every building there was a beautiful banner."

Bush asked angrily, "And what was on the banners?"

Osama responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."

Bush said, "You know, Osama, I'm really glad you called because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Kabul and it was even more beautiful than before the Russian occupation. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."

Bin Laden asked, "What was on the banners?"

Bush replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Bush got a coded message from Osama. It read:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA. The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.

He suggested turning it upside down.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Why has no-one yet sent a woman to the moon?

Because it doesn't need cleaning!

Re: Jokes for blokes

One day a man went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. When the dentist told him he needed to give him some anaesthetic, he refused.

The dentist assured him that he really needed to have an anaesthetic, but he refused again, saying, "I have experienced the two worst pains in the world, so I don't need an anaesthetic."

So the dentist pulled the tooth and the man just sat there and didn't even flinch. When this was done, the dentist said to the man, "I'm intrigued. What were those two pains?"

The man replied, "The first happened while I was out hunting. I squatted down to take a shit and my balls got caught in a bear trap."

The dentist asked him what the second one was, and the man said, "When I reached the end of the chain."

Re: Jokes for blokes

A lady's dishwasher stops working so she calls the repair man. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat, Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the table and I'll post you the money. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler, he won't bother you. But whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repair man arrives at the house the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Rottweiler he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching the repair man go about his business.

The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling.

Finally, the repair man can't contain himself any longer and yells, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

And the parrot said, "Get him, Spike!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man buys a parrot cheaply at the pet shop. When he gets home, he discovers why it was cheap - the parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

Unfortunately, his new owner is a quiet conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "SHUT UP!" but this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

The guy gets mad and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din, but then it suddenly becomes very, very quiet. At first, the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence he's worried enough to open the freezer door.

The bird emerges and calmly climbs on to the man's outstretched arm, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to moderate my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can not understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do to you?"

Re: Jokes for blokes

How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day?

She has her tampon behind her ear and she can't find her cigarette.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Did you hear about the Greek tampon?

It's called Abzorba the Leak.