would you support a friend like this ?

I've been pondering about this for a while and have decided to post , my emotional feelings are disturbed but it will help to share what happened and is about to happen . I will try to write with an open heart and mind . As for me I'm not sure of the outcome in the future .

My close friend V was with her partner for 14 yrs , they were extremely happy together and we'll suited , I'd say soul mates . 5 years ago V got a phone call after finishing work from the police to say S was at the police station and arrested for sexually abusing his 3 yr old nice for 5 years on a regular basis while he lived with his mother sister and child . This all happened 25 years ago and the abused girl had recently had her own child and reported it . He admitted it immediately and said he'd been waiting for them to come for a long time to arrest him . He was full of guilt and as the police told us he spoke openly about everything . He was charged on 6 counts which means 6 different sexual deeds but not just 6 times if you understand my meaning . It was a regular happening .

We found out during his time living with V he had lied about many things , at one time he came home with a broken nose and we later learned it was done by the abused girls boyfriend . S had told us he'd had to brake hard while driving and smashed his nose on the steering wheel . He also said he had had no contact with his neice for years , yet we again later found out he had been giving her money and bought her a car . We think , but are not sure that she may have been blackmailing him .

After the shock of the arrest I and V's daughter had to help and support her , counsell her , care for her as you would . V had 2 grown up children and S had been a wonderful father to them and never touched them , so the shock was immense .

The biggest shock to us is V has supported him , sent money , visited him and had regular phone calls from him , they are still in love , she very deeply with him , she has never disowned him , she knows what he did , but says he loved her , cared for her for 14 yrs and was the best ever , now she wants him back in her life and he is due out of prison this month , he got 10 yrs yet has served 5 . The board have said he is not a predeter or a danger it seems .

My dilemma is , I've always told her my feelings , so has her daughter , we have disowned him , yet V never has , we find it hard to understand .

V is going to have him back in her life , he won't return to live with her but he will be living 10 miles away in a hostel then his own place . She intends to spend her life seeing and loving him , she says she is entitled to be happy . She says to me she does not want to loose my friendship , but I am not sure I can have her in my life as things are and have been for 20 yrs . It makes me feel angry and perplexed and disgusted that she can want to have a relationship with him and how can she still deeply love and want him back after what he did , and what he did is bad believe me .

It's been hard writing all this down , I'm struggling with strong emotions and do hope that this won't turn into an angry thread as I will feel responsible and don't want to cause issues between any of you . I am asking , would you support her , would you be able to be a friend and act as if this is perfectly ok , I'm not sure if I can anymore

Thankyou for your thoughts

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

Poor you susan. It hurts losing a close friend.
This is a tricky one.

On the surface I would say your friend must be raving bonkers even thinking about him, and she should be grateful she discovered the truth, but 'truth hurts' as they say, and maybe she needs a shoulder to cry on right now.

I personally, cannot understand her still wanting to be with this man, but none of us are emotionally involved in the way she is, and emotions are ruling her now by the sound of it.

I think others really need to be in her shoes to understand her feelings.
Emotions are such powerful things. Maybe she hurts more without him than with him - warts and all.

As for your friendship, it would probably depend on how much I still cared about her. If you really can't face her anymore, then you have your answer.
I think I would let my heart decide.

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

Susan you have obviously been a good friend though out all this but now you have come to a parting of the ways .She has made her choice the mans she still loves the whole scenario disgusts you so walk away .

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

I would feel uncomfortable having a friend who could accept what this man has done so I would have to walk away from the friendship ...

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

I can see why you are conflicted for me it comes down to that bit about not being a predator. If it was so long ago and he hasn't offended since then does he pose any danger. I think I admire your friend giving him another chance. Now she is on guard knows what has happened. Can you walk away knowing it may all go wrong for her eventually but then she'd be alone with it all ?

Perhaps make it plain you can't remain friends while she is with him but are there no judgements if they eventually split, make it clear it's not her you have the problem with ?

I have a belief anyone can change it sounds like he accepted his guilt and was remorseful that goes a long way to beginning to change and his long time no offences means he may actually have managed that.

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

I think it is something you have to decide ultimately for yourself, non of us are in your friends shoes but she is going to loose a lot of people by still associating with this man once he is released from prison.

I think you have been a friend to her, she knows your feelings but what happens when there are events and she wants to include him. I think she has been on borrowed time with your friendship for the last five years and now is the time to move on and let her get on with it. No matter how hard that is.

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

I would not want to make my friend suffer any more for what her partner had done.

I would try to remain friends with her but on the clear understanding that you wanted nothing to do with him.

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

Yes that's sort of what I am thinking, she did nothing wrong but is being punished alongside him but I can see why Susan wants nothing to do with him.

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

I couldnt do it.

Much as I might love my friend dearly I would not be able to meet and chat with someone while I knew they were supporting someone who had abused a child.

It is entirely up to Susan but I think my gut reaction would be to give my friend a hug and then walk away.

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

That's the thing we all have different tolerance levels, personally I'd stay off that topic but would still be her friend. She didn't abuse anyone and knows the man better than me.