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susan m
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susan m is offline
DORSET UK
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28-03-2017, 11:11 AM
11

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

I'm feeling upset with her because she never sees any wrong in him , she adores him , yet when I tell her what he did to remind her she says she can't think about it . She will have this secret life with him , I won't want to know what they've been doing or where they've been etc . Her daughter feels the same as me . I am not asking her to choose me or him , she already chooses him , but wants me in her life as a friend too . She would never ask me to meet with him, she knows my feelings . Reading your posts is helping me think .

I'll also add V only has a small group of friends , she says they support her in the way she feels , one friend even wrote to him and sent birthday cards etc . I also find this odd
realspeed
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28-03-2017, 11:15 AM
12

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

The question is, does it pay to get involved too closely in other peoples lives?

You can be friends yes but how far does that go? in the OP post maybe too close and now has upset her as well.
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28-03-2017, 12:18 PM
13

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

Originally Posted by susan m ->
I'm feeling upset with her because she never sees any wrong in him , she adores him , yet when I tell her what he did to remind her she says she can't think about it . She will have this secret life with him , I won't want to know what they've been doing or where they've been etc . Her daughter feels the same as me . I am not asking her to choose me or him , she already chooses him , but wants me in her life as a friend too . She would never ask me to meet with him, she knows my feelings . Reading your posts is helping me think .

I'll also add V only has a small group of friends , she says they support her in the way she feels , one friend even wrote to him and sent birthday cards etc . I also find this odd
That changes things a bit for me, if she has a group of friends supporting her, I'd say step back if it's making you unhappy. She wants another friend but you have to keep your own self safe. Keep your mind happy.
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28-03-2017, 02:07 PM
14

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

I still say go by your heart susan.
If this felt terribly wrong to me, and I didn't want to with her, then I'd walk away and mean it.

On the other hand, if you felt sympathy and understanding towards her, then stay put and try to accept her - warts and all.
It's either one or the other.

However, if you try to force yourself to do something that feels very much against the grain, it will only worry you and you're not being true to yourself.

No one can telly ou what to do - they can only tell you what THEY'D do, and remember, they are not as emotionally involved as you.
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28-03-2017, 02:40 PM
15

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

I agree with Mups... it can only be your decision, but here are a few questions to ask yourself.

1) Would losing V mean that you would feel you had lost a great friend?

2) Could you maintain a good friendship with V, without having to see her partner or talk about him?

3) If V eventually discovered she had been wrong to love him and needed support, would you be able to offer that after being separated for a few years?

4) This depends on how close you are with V, but how would you feel if you stopped seeing her and discovered, in the future, that she had died, would you regret your decision to split?

Your friend has done nothing wrong, apart from loving a man who has done wrong, so I questioned whether I could abandon a close friend in the same position. My answer was NO, but you may be different and nobody could say that either of us were wrong.
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28-03-2017, 02:47 PM
16

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

I could never support anyone who does not disown a paedophile, who are the at the top of the pile of depraved humanity
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Twink55
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28-03-2017, 03:08 PM
17

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

Originally Posted by tarantula ->
I could never support anyone who does not disown a paedophile, who are the at the top of the pile of depraved humanity
Nobody can support a paedophile, but I would have to question why the child concerned felt it was alright to take money and a car from him, when she grew up. Why didn't she report it sooner? Could the punch on the nose have resulted from him running out of money, so was unable to finance their lives?
We don't know all the facts and he had received his punishment from a prison sentence and was probably added to the sex offenders list...... which means that the law felt it was fair punishment for what he had done.
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28-03-2017, 03:10 PM
18

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

Originally Posted by Twink55 ->
Nobody can support a paedophile, but I would have to question why the child concerned felt it was alright to take money and a car from him, when she grew up. Why didn't she report it sooner? Could the punch on the nose have resulted from him running out of money, so was unable to finance their lives?
We don't know all the facts and he had received his punishment from a prison sentence and was probably added to the sex offenders list...... which means that the law felt it was fair punishment for what he had done.
I agree with you twink, it's hard to imagine taking anything from an abuser. Very odd.
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Twink55
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28-03-2017, 03:15 PM
19

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

Originally Posted by Julie1962 ->
I agree with you twink, it's hard to imagine taking anything from an abuser. Very odd.
My friend, who was abused, would have rather died than accept money from his abuser!
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Morticia
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28-03-2017, 03:23 PM
20

Re: would you support a friend like this ?

If he's a paedophile ..he's a paedophile.
No if's ..no but's or what if's.

The thing here is if it was a friend who was shocked, in an crisis, cast adrift and needing an emotional anchor because she found out the man she had loved had abused a kid (his own niece for godsake) that would be one thing.
This sounds different. She's still carrying a torch for him.

He's been in nick for 5 years? So the friend has had time to crystallise her thoughts and decide how she feels. She hasn't walked away emotionally. Many women would. Even though he himself, knowing he was guilty kept quiet all those years and lived a life of concealment... he is fortunate indeed to still have her support.
That is her decision. She might mean friendship but what if she might mean rebuilding their severed relationship and one day becoming a couple again? Who knows.

If his name, or his presence or the possibility of him playing a bigger role in her life makes you feel uncomfortable ... walk away now. It could be very painful for you but it could also be painful watching a friendship you valued turn sour and slowly disintegrate.
 
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