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28-02-2012, 01:47 AM
11

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Enjoyed that chapter Mollie, especially Crusty with the robot dangling from his nose which I thought would happen I wasn't expecting Bel to get them a tandum though, I was expecting her to drive a lorry back from Southport Just cannot imagine them on a tandum, bet Crusty whinges all the way home
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28-02-2012, 02:17 AM
12

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

That was funny! Can just picture them both on a tandem......hope Crusty removed his banana though otherwise it would end up a knickerbocker glory.
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28-02-2012, 02:23 AM
13

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Thanks for your comments ladies. I think you'll enjoy what he does next.
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29-02-2012, 12:37 AM
14

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

106

A Bikecycle Made for Two
(and They Have a Bumpy Ride!)



Reluctantly, and with great difficulty, he threw his leg over the new bike almost rupturing his undercarriage, taking the rear position as instructed by his Bel. His crusticles stretched to the limit (which made his eyes water) and the saddle cut harshly between his legs (which made his eyes water). His feet only just touched the ground so he had to stand on his tippy toes with the cross-bar between his legs to keep the bike upright (which made his eyes water) then he waited for her to get on, which took some doing.

The Staff in the bike shop was having a whale of a time watching them both trying to get on and balance, and were tittering away from the safety of the shop window.

"Bluddy hell. I never thowt it'd be such hard work just gerrin on a bluddy bike! I could do wi' a step ladder't climb on! I can't get me bluddy leg o'er!"

She managed to heave herself on, and the tyres promptly went down with a hiss front and back but they held, then with one foot on the ground and one on a pedal she started hopping along the road until she finally managed lift off and got them going, front wheel wobbling in protest.

Getting quickly used to the weight of the machine, they got out of Southport Centre and soon found themselves in open farming country enjoying the fresh air and warm sunshine.

She hadn't realised that pedalling a tandem was going to be this difficult either, but being strong she endured, feeling sure the reason was because she drove almost everywhere and the muscles in her legs would need to be developed even more!

Crusty called over to her.

"Shall we sing some songs as we go along Bel?"

"Aye, why not! Wot d'ya want to sing owd lad?"

"Nellie the Ephelant! I likes Nellie the Ephelant Bel!"


She rolled up her eyes.

"Alreet. You start an' I'll join in."

He started squawking on the back seat.

Nellie the Ephelant packed her trunk
And said goodbye to the circus
Off she went with a trumpety trump

Paaarp, paaarp, paaarp!


"Sorry Bel. I didn't know I were goin't do that!"

"Yer a nasty-arsed owd sod yer nowt else! It's a good job we're out-bluddy-side. Phew, wot's bin aytein'? Have ya bin at them Brussels sprouts again? Let's get goin' faster and see if we can out-run the stink!"


She started pedalling faster and faster, hunched down till her nose almost touched the handle bars, until they were whizzing along at about thirty miles an hour, the wind sweeping their hair back, which they found to be very exhilarating.

Crusty had gone quiet for a while for which she was truly thankful. She presumed he was watching the passing fields and looking at the nice moo cows and sheep, plus the fact that there was no doubt in her mind that his prehensile tongue was now dangling out from the exertion, catching flies!

She called to him over her shoulder.

"Wot d'ya think of it then owd lad?"

Silence!

"Crusty?"

Silence!

"Crusty. Speyk up owd lad!"

Still no reply! She couldn't turn round fully as she was too fat, so she brought the bike to a standstill then looked round.

He'd gone, and there was no sign of him for as far as the eye could see.

"Where the bluddy hell's he getten to now the festerin' owd fart? We're all-bluddy-reet here!"

She turned the bike round and cycled back the way she'd come, and found him two miles back sitting on the side of the road, full of dust and cross legged with his thumb in his mouth and his eight strands dangling on his left shoulder.

"Wot the bluddy hell are ya doin' sitting theer?"

"Sorry Bel. I were havin' a bit of a nod an'a fawd off't bike! I took a bit of a tumble o'er theer an'am covered in bruises again. Will I get back on now?"

"Wor’a bluddy shame! Ya daft owd dingbat!"

She held out her hand to help him to his feet.

"Come on wi' ya. We'll never get bluddy wom at this rate! Wot d'ya mean ya were havin' a bit of a nod anyway?"

"Well I were enjoying it that much I just started feelin' a bit dopey!"

"Thar'allers bluddy dopey! Ger'on't soddin' bike!"

He heaved himself over the cross-bar again, crusticles stretching (which made his eyes water) and off they took, still with at least fifteen miles to go.

They looked bloody comical. There were two enormous backsides dangling over each bicycle saddle on both sides, and the poor bike was groaning and creaking with the weight. It looked like it might snap in two at any moment.

"Wor'ave ya gor'in yer carrier bags Bel? Have ya browt a bit o' snap wi' ya, only am bluddy hungry!"

"Thar'allers bluddy hungry an' all. Let's ger'another five mile done and then we'll stop for some jack bit!"

"Reet Bel. Let's get goin' faster then shall we?"

"Ya greedy owd bugger!"

The pedals started whirring around again building up more and more speed and soon they'd covered the five miles, which Bel had set as a stopping time so they pulled over at Lathom.

"Reet lad. Off ya get. It's nice here so we can sit at the side of the road and get summat etten. I could ayte a bluddy owd palliasse!"

"Fither mattresses are most tasteyful an' all Bel!"

They got off the bike and Bel took a carrier bag off each handle bar. Crusty had noticed them on the bus to Southport and that was why he'd made such a fuss, but Bel knew they'd need these coming back. He'd tried to snatch them off her and started peylin' about on the bus in his bid to escape, so she'd just walloped him one, gave him a banana and it was that which had quietened him down.

There they sat in the late afternoon sun, munching in Bel's case and hanching in Crusty's.

"They're bluddy good these Bel (gobble, hanch). I luvs boilt ham and cheyse 'gether on a butty (snort)!"

"Stop bluddy talking wi' yer gob full. Woravva towd ya before about that?"

"Sorry Bel, (munch)!"

They polished off all the food Bel had provided which, incidentally, would really have been enough for a family of five then they drank the three litre vacuum flask of tea dry, and packed up the rubbish.

"Bel?"

"Wot?"

"I were just wondering. When is it my turn't do some pedalling? D'ya want me't do some to give yer owd legs a rest?"

Her hand that held the last meat pie stopped in mid-air just she was just about to take a bite, when he came out with his last statement, and she tried to take in what he'd just said.

"Wot d'ya mean, when's it your turn't do some pedalling? D'ya mean to tell me that ya've just sat at the bluddy back theer like Lord Muck of Sh!t Mountain and let me do all't bluddy graftin'? No wonder it were such bluddy hard work!"

"Well ya never said. All you said were for me't ger'on't back. Ya never said I had to do some pedalling as well!"

She rolled up her eyes then lamped him one.

"Tek that ya fat lazy owd fart! Neh then, thee ger'on't front this time so as I can make sure yer doin' your share! I'll teach ya a bluddy lesson o'er this!"

Sulk!

"In a minute Bel. I need a pee before we carry on!"

"Well get gone! Make it a long one so we'll nor'ave't stop half a dozen times!"

"I'll try!"

He was gone what seemed like ages so Bel shouted to him.

"Crusty worra ya doin' behind that bluddy bush? Yer not playin' at firemen wi't th'owd Mister Floppy again are ya?"

"Just coming Bel!"

He cringed. She always had an uncanny knack of knowing exactly what he was doing.

They continued their journey, this time both of them pedalling away. They hadn't gone a hundred yards when Crusty's tongue flopped out with the exertion and started wafting away in the breeze, and he slopped all over the front handlebars of Bel's nice new bike. At one point it flew over his shoulder like a scarf batting Bel in the eye!

"Get yer bluddy tung back in yer yed!"

"Sorry Bel!"
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29-02-2012, 12:41 AM
15

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

He rolled it up with his fingers from the end and tucked it back into his mouth.

Finally, they got to Parbold Hill, which is extremely steep, and as they started to climb, Bel took her feet off the pedals and sat and watched Crusty from behind. As they climbed, the back of his neck got redder and redder and his legs started to gradually slow down, pedalling with jerky movements until, halfway up, the bike was almost at a standstill, the front wheel wobbling and the two of them trying to balance on the almost stationary bike.

"Keep goin' lad!"

"Bluddy hell! It's hard work this Bel, climbing up this hill. How're ya doin' owd lass?"

Bel's eyes were watering now, her body shaking with laughter, and she was grinning her head off.

Wor’a bluddy shame!

"I'm doin' alreet owd fettler! Just keep goin' lad. Don't stop pedalling now or we'll rowl back down't bluddy hill then we'll have't start all o'er again. We're nearly theer. Just a few more yards and we'll be at the top!"

His skinny little legs strained with the steepness of the hill and the weight he was pulling behind him. His eyes were standing out like organ stops, his face was twisted into all shapes, his heart was banging like a drum and his legs were killing him. They'd turned to jelly with the effort and were wobbling away.

"Bel, Bel, help me Bel. I cawn't manage it. Can we not ger'off and walk up?"

"No we bluddy well cawn't! We're nearly theer now so keep going, stop yappin' and save yer breath, ya lazy owd bugger!"


Once they got to the top of the hill she made him stop the bike for a rest.

"Un-mount!"

He got off the bike and tried to walk, legs wackering. He looked like he'd getten a sweigh on, and his lungs were like a pair of owd bellows. He huffed and he puffed and he panted and moaned and he was sweating like the proverbial pig.

Wheeeeze!!

They sat on the dry-stone wall for a while and, whilst he got his breath back she went and got them a bottle of pop each then they sat together and they looked out at the panoramic vista that was laid out before them. The view was absolutely splendid and it reminded Bel of that time when she'd sat in her car listening to Crusty's crappy version of "Angels".

It seemed so long ago now and so much had happened since then, but that was the last time she'd actually been up here just to enjoy the scenery although she only lived a few miles away.

"Reet lad. Are ya fit to go on now? We've not so far to go now lad!"

"Huff, puff, pant, snort, huff, puff, pant, snort, WHEEZE!"

"Not yet Bel. Givvus another quarter of an hour!"

"Ger'on't bluddy bike ya whingin' lazy owd sod!"

Once more they clambered aboard and Crusty started pedalling again, downhill this time, skinny little legs going like the clappers.

"Crusty! Tek them smelly owd feet off them bluddy pedals! We're goin' about ninety mile an hour! We don't need to pedal goin' downhill ya daft lookin' bugger!"

It was true what she said and as Crusty overtook his fifth car on the wrong side of the road, he lifted his smelly feet off the pedals and they coasted down, still at breakneck speed, whizzing and leaning into the bends like Evel Knievel!

"Bluddy hell Crusty! I don't go this fast on me motorbike. Slow down!!"

"A cawn't!"


As they neared the bottom they tried to stop the tandem at the crossroads but they were going too fast. On and on they zoomed straight through, leaving half a dozen cars screeching and honking.

They screamed past Wrightington Hospital, whooshed over the lake and almost lost it at the top of the little bridge when the bike temporarily left the road and they were pedalling away in mid air.

The bike dropped back onto the road again a hundred yards further on without losing speed and, managing to keep their balance, shot past the turn off for Mawdesley and then they found themselves going down the slip road to the motorway. The muscles in their faces were wackering away like astronauts do when they reach a certain velocity.

Of course, Crusty was at the front and he was the one steering! Bel had no control over the front wheel and she was yelling at him and thumping him on his back to stop, but Crusty couldn't!

Their combined weight, and the fact they were travelling steeply downhill, had motioned the bike on faster than normal and the brakes were just not sufficient to stop a payload of close on thirty-five stone of human beings.

Luckily, Crusty had one of his rare brainwaves and managed to stop the bike just before they joined the M6 to Birmingham by doing an emergency crash landing in a ditch.

He sat there quaking with stagnant ditch water running down his face and bits of grass entwined in his eight strands.

She too had gone down with a bump and sat there in her voluminous floral frock, both of them none the worse for their ordeal, however, the bike was a twisted, mangled heap and would have to be taken to the repair shop, and she hadn't had it four hours yet, all because of Crusty!

She said nothing to him but took out her mobile phone and dialled a number.

"Hello Vanda. This is Miss Leekey. Put me through to Graham Gubbins please luv!"

A few moments passed.

Crusty sat cringing.

"Hello Graham. I need you to send a recovery vehicle ...... no just a flat bed truck'll do. We've had a bit of an accident ........ no we're fine but me bike's a bit mangled. Send someone to pick up the bike please and have someone pick me and Crusty up in one of the cars. Yes, we're at .......... Thanks Graham!"

Twenty minutes later the two vehicles turned up and the bike was taken off to one of Bel's repair shops and she and Crusty were transported to Bel's house.

She still hadn't spoken to Crusty.

"Bel?"

"Shuttit!"

"But Bel?"

"Shuttit!"

"But Bel, Bel, I want a pee Bel an'a nearly crapped meself when we came off your bikecycle burram not sure if it were nearly or really!"

"Well go an' use me downstairs lav. I don't want ya stinkin' all me upstairs out!"

"Ta Bel!"

He scampered off not knowing what punishment would befall him this time and, after he'd used the toilet, he tried to slink off out of the back door but she caught him.

"I thowt ya'd try that. Get back in here!"

"Worra ya goin't do at me this time Bel?"

"I'm still finalising yer latest punishment in me yed so go in't kitchen and sit down quietly until I come an' get ya. AND DON'T TOUCH OWT!"

"Reet owd lass!"

She then went out to her shed to make something and an hour and a half later Bel entered her pristine kitchen and found Crusty sitting at the table twiddling his thumbs expecting a pasting.

He looked up at her sorrowfully when she walked in and cringed back at the look she had on her face.

"Reet owd lad. Brand new punishment coming up! I've just thought of it an' it's a bluddy cracker this one!"

"Yer not goin't paste me then Bel?"

"Oh no, I'm nor'even goin't touch ya this time!"

"Ta!"

She went to her kitchen cupboards and took out some bread and other butty making kit and prepared several sandwiches then wrapped them up neatly in butty bags.

Then, she took what looked like a large piece of paper from her pocket and wrapped all the butties and pies up together in that, while Crusty looked on totally perplexed.

At least it looked like she was going to feed him.

"Reet lad. Come on. Off we go on yer next punishment!"

"Reet owd lass. Weer are ya tekkin' me?"

"Ya'll see!"

30.03.03
© Mollie M
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29-02-2012, 01:03 AM
16

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Originally Posted by Berxer ->
That was funny! Can just picture them both on a tandem......hope Crusty removed his banana though otherwise it would end up a knickerbocker glory.
Love your comment about the banana Carmen
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29-02-2012, 01:20 AM
17

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Another good read Mollie, honestly fancy Crusty sitting in the rear and not pedaling, what's he like! I thought they were going to end up on the motorway for a minute Wonder what his punishment will be...
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01-03-2012, 12:15 AM
18

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Oh lol! Fancy Crusty dozing off then falling off the bike

He got his comeuppance when not doing his fair share of the pedalling though.

Hmmm, yes, wonder what his next punishment is
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03-03-2012, 02:04 AM
19

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

107

Crusty's Cast Out Into the Wilderness
(and Bel Finds Nasties in His Pants!)



It was now eight thirty and it had gone dark outside. Bel tugged Crusty out of the house by his cauliflower ear and into her garage. Apart from being locked in there one cold winter's night it was the first time Crusty had ever seen it properly and, with the lights on, he was amazed to see that she actually had four cars and a motorbike! Her garage was larger in ground space than the average three-bedroom house, and there was lots of room for more cars when she decided to treat herself again.

There was the Volvo, the Escort, the Jag, a big Harley Davidson motorbike and she also had a Land Rover, which she rarely used, but it was this vehicle that she slung Crusty into the back of.

Crusty had noticed the number plate of this vehicle and had a little giggle.

"Worra ya gigglin' at, you? I'm tekkin' ya on a punishment, nor'a bluddy neet out at the Club!"

"It's yer number plate Bel. It made me giggle! It's a good 'un that!"

"Oh that. Aye well, it makes most folk giggle, that's why I had 'em made up special! They cost me a few quid but wot the hell?"

The number plate:

P 55 POT

"I didn't know ya had one o' these P!sspots Bel!"

"You're a bluddy p!sspot, y'owd sod!"

"I likes them others as well Bel. They're proper beltin'! There's P 55 HED, R 55 OLE, the owd Volvo's P 55 OLE, burra knew that one, and yer motorbike is just BELT 1 N!! They're beltin' them Bel!"

"Glad ya like 'em, and stop saying beltin'!"

"Can I ayte me butties in this car please Bel?"

"No ya bluddy well can't. I'll tell ya when ya can ayte 'em! Ger'on't back seat and shut yer eyes and don't open 'em again until I tell ya! Yer goin' on a mystery tour!"

He started bouncing up and down merrily.

"Oh goody! A mystery tour again Bel. Mind you, I've never been on one in't dark before! How come yer allers shovin' me onto't back seat?"

"'Cos that's weer ya belongs, and ya can chalk this mystery tour up to a new experience can't ya?"

She got behind the wheel and started the engine, then slid through the garage doors while Crusty sat at the back with his eyes obediently closed. She drove around for a good hour and a bit and Crusty was beginning to get fed up so, as he had his eyes closed anyway, he fell asleep.

"Oink, schnort, mumble," fart! " Oink, schnort, mumble," fart!

Not a care in the world!

Finally she brought the car to a stop and Crusty was still grunting and farting on the back seat, butty package by his side. He hadn't stirred yet, so Bel quietly got out of the vehicle and looked around.

"Aye, this'll do I reckon."

She had a quick snicker then managed to retrieve the packet of food without disturbing him. Then she took a large red cloth with white spots on it from a bag, wrapped the package up in it by gathering all four corners together along with a few other items then attached it to a long gnarled blackthorn stick with a notched fork on the end.

His hobo outfit!

Then she stuck her head through the back door where Crusty was slumbering with his thumb in his mouth, and .........

"Wake up ya festerin' owd farty-arsed pigmy!

His eyes flew open and found his Bel's nose a millimetre from his.

"Wossup? Oh, g'morning Bel. Is it feeding time now?"

"Ger'out o' that car. Come on, out ya get!"

He did as he was told and looked around wondering where she'd brought him.

"Weer are we Bel?"

"Well, I'm purrin ya to a little test. When ya get home, ya've got to tell me where ya've bin!! Neh then, here y'are. Here's yer butties. Put this stick o'er yer shooder. Yer swag's inside, an' gimme a ring when ya gets wom!"

He started rocking on his ankles, thumb in mouth again, polka dot swag bag dangling from the stick that she'd put over his shoulder.

"But Bel!"

"Come wi' me!"

She frog-marched him down a dark lane in what appeared to be the middle of nowhere then stopped and shoved him in the back.

"Reet, get gone on yer travels!"

"But .....!"

When he looked round she'd disappeared into thin air. Not easy for a nineteen stone woman. She'd turned on her heel and walked swiftly and quietly away, then got back into her vehicle and took off silently.

"Weer amma? Wor'as her done at me this time? Weer's her fetched me?"

Just then he realised that he'd not eaten since they were on the road back from Southport and he was bluddy hungry. He sat down on a handily placed bench at the side of the road and opened up his swag bag to see what his Bel had given him to eat.

Inside there was the large piece of paper that he'd seen earlier, and inside that, the beloved butties and pies so began a good hanch.

"Yum yum. These are bluddy good!"

He suddenly realised that, as he didn't know where he was, this food might have to be rationed as he could be, oh, minutes before he found his way home, so he started to wrap them up again, just for now. That was when he noticed that the large piece of paper was a map, which his Bel had lovingly drawn for him! She'd also put a torch and a compass in the swag bag, so he lit the torch and looked at the map.

"Weer amma?"

There was a big red X that said YOU ARE HERE!

"Where's Here? I've never heard of it! I wonder if it's in Pem. I shouldn't have fawd asleep. I should've squinted through one eye't see weer her were tekkin' me, so I could be anywhere in the whole wide world. Wor'appens if I cawn't find me road out? Wor'appens if nobody ever uses this road? Wor'appens if I cawn't find owt t'ayte? I wonder if I'll end up just keep goin' round in circles forever and ever till am an owd mon! At least there's a couple o' nice benches I can get me yed down on for't neet!"

He picked up the compass and turned until he was facing due north, not knowing if it was a northerly direction he actually needed, but it would do to be going on with.

It appeared to be wide-open countryside where he was and there wasn't a vehicle in sight. Nor was there a house, farmhouse, shack, shed or stable, where he might beg a bed for the night, and it was pitch black.

On and on he trudged until he came to a signpost in a fork in the road.

The sign read:

Snickerford - 3 miles
Giggleswick - 1 mile
Titterfield - 2 miles
Laughing Meadow - 5 miles

"Neh then, I've getten four choices, but which one do I choose? I've never heard of any of 'em so I don't know which one's nearest wom. Am not very good at making choices. I'd sooner my Bel did that for me!"

Bloody fool stood there for ages just walking around the signpost trying to work out which way to go, instead of taking the shortest road.

"I know worrall do! I'll go to Giggleswick as ickle not tek me as long't get theer as it would if I went to Laffin' Medder!"

Well done, Crusty!

He strode off again on his intrepid journey, stopping every few feet to check his map. He'd managed to pinpoint Giggleswick easily enough, as Bel had very kindly circled it for him. All he had to do was find the place.

But after he'd covered a hundred yards he stopped for some food. He was cold and hungry. It was pitch dark and he didn't know where he was.

He sat down on some damp grass munching on another meat pie, wondering miserably what he could possibly have done wrong this time to warrant such a terrible punishment, and worried about how long his rations would last.

He'd already forgotten that he'd mangled Bel's brand new bike only a few hours before!

He was about to snatch a barm cake out of his swag bag then remembered that he'd have to save some for later. He was now thinking that it could be days before he found civilisation again.

Suddenly he heard a sound that scared the life out of him.

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

He leapt up and looked around him and could see nothing, but the sound continued cutting through the eerie silence of the night.

He then heard a flapping behind him so he set off at a fast shuffle afraid he might crap himself if this went on for much longer.

"I hope it's nor'another swarm o' them bats! They tried t'ayte me bluddy yed last time I came across some!"

Off he went with a trumpety, trump.

Parp, parp, parp!!
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03-03-2012, 02:07 AM
20

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Oops!"

He looked round hoping nobody had heard him, but he was alone in the wilderness.

A mile further on he hoped to find Giggleswick, but there was nothing there. However, on shining his torch around, he did spot a gate with what looked like his OBJ dangling from it.

Excitedly he ran over and found that it was indeed his old pal, there to rescue him on this dark cold night.

"Neh then. Worra ya doin' here owd lad? How did ya ger'ere?"

"Well I were a bit bored standing up in me corner all neet so I thowt I'd go for a nice walk in't countryside and sit on a gate, freezing me bleedin' cobblers off!"

"Come on lad, ya can keep me warm as am bluddy frozzen!"

"Me too!"

He took th'owd black jacket off which had also started shivering and put th'owd blue jumper on then snuggled up in the jacket again.

"Well then, weer do I go from here then? Am at Giggleswick I think but there's nowt here!"

Bel was having a giggle!

He turned around and started to walk back the way he'd come until once again he came to the signpost in the road.

"Well, the next nearest is Titterfield so I'll try that road. Come on lads, let's go!"

Bel was having a titter!

"Or shall I try Snickerford?"

Bel had a quick snicker!

Now that he had the OBJ on he felt much warmer and was able to lollop along a little bit faster as he made his way to Titterfield.

He'd been tramping about for a good two hours by now and he was getting really pigged off and tired, wishing he was back at his Pig Pen, opening tins and having a good hot hanch!

As he turned at a bend he saw a bright light in the distance. Crusty's eyes lit up with joy and he started to lollop faster and faster toward it.

Sadness suddenly crossed his little chimpy face again as he realised that the light was the moon which had been blocked out by the trees till now. He sat on the ground with a thump, sobbing his poor old heart out.

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

He leapt up again and looking ahead he saw two giant eyes looking at him from a fence post. The hobgoblin was sitting hunched over and poor Crusty was deranged with fear.

He leapt up and started running, farting and squawking at the same time.

"Bel, Bel, help me Bel! There's a giant monster after me Bel. BEL!"

Paaarp, brrrrip, bluurrrble!


He stopped running, panting for breath and wheezing, his tongue scraping over his smelly little black vinyl boots.

He didn't hear her creeping up behind him. Despite her bulk she could be very light on her feet when the occasion called for it.

"Worra ya skryking and shouting for ya soft owd sod?"

"Go away Bel. Yer allers punishing me but this is a norrible punishment!"

"So ya don't want a lift home then d'ya not?"

"Go away and leave me alone!"

"Reet then. See ya!"


Just as she was walking away the penny dropped. BEL!! Was that his Bel that just spoke to him, or was it all in his befuddled head brought on from lack of nourishment?

"Bel, Bel, is that you Bel?"

"Yis. Did ya want me for summat only ya just said ya didn't want a lift home!"

He leapt to his feet yet again and turned round.

There she was, large as life, come to save him!

"But how did ya know weer I was Bel? Even I don't know weer I am so how did ya find me? There's nowt for miles, but there's bin a big monster following me an'a think it wants t'ayte me up!"

"Ya daft lookin' bugger! That was only an owl! It were me that put that sign up an' it were me that hung th'owd blue jumper on that gate. I knew ya'd eventually figure it out to go to Giggleswick first so I were following you all the time! In any case, wot in their reet bluddy mind would want to eat you ya smelly owd sod?"

"Well why didn't ya give me a lift then?"

"Because it were a punishment. Hast forgetten already? Anyway, I were on foot when I were following ya!"

"Oh I see. So ya was never very far behind me then?"

She sighed heavily, not for the first time.

"Course not ya daft owd ditch rat. Come on, let's get back to't car an' I'll tek ya wom. It's only five minutes away and you've bin trampin' about for two bluddy hours! We're only in Robin Park behind yer house ya daft wazzock! Ya'd be alreet in charge of a bluddy platoon o' soldiers! This punishment is over now! Anyway, I made all them names up, there's no such places, burra thowt it'd be a good punishment for ya!"

He grinned.

"Ta Bel!"

Once they were out of the park they got into the car where he got out the remainder of his food and had a good hanch on the way home, offering to share it with his Bel as a thank you.

"It were a good punishment that Bel, an' ya've not battered me for once. I don't think there's any more room on me yed for extra lumps just at the moment!"

"Shaddap ya daft lookin' bugger!"

"Reet Bel, ta Bel, sorry Bel!"

Three minutes after leaving the park they arrived at his front door.

She stopped the Land Rover's engine and went round to the passenger side, opened the door, hawked Crusty out by his neck as usual, then frog-marched him to his front door.

"Come on ya little toad, get yer keys out and open up!"

He started fumbling about in his pants pockets. Left pocket. Back pocket, other back pocket.

"I cawn't find 'em!"

"Come here then and let me find 'em!"

She twirled him round so that he had his back to her and put her hand into the right hand pocket of his owd brown pants. She'd noticed that he hadn't looked in there!

He stood there quietly while she searched him and then suddenly she let out a terrible squeal.

"Aaarrgh!! Wot the bluddy hell's thar'in yer pocket. There's summat slippery and slimy in there. Ya've not gor'a bluddy pet slug now have ya, and worra ya bluddy grinnin' at again?"

"There's a big hole in that pocket Bel, burra don't know wot ya touched that could be slippery and slimy!"

She shuddered, blanched and started heaving.

"I do! Have ya not gor'any knickers on?"

"No. I forgot to put Good Old Stinky on this morning. Why Bel? How did ya know that?"

She felt sick.

"Ne' mind. Weer's them bluddy keys?"

Again she had another quick fumble, in his owd black jacket pockets this time, and some passers-by saw her and looked away again quickly looking extremely embarrassed. Crusty's tongue was dangling out and he had the widest grin on his face, but Bel hadn't seen it.

"Yeeeeuuuuk! Wot the bluddy hell was THAT?"

She pulled her hand out of his pocket and sniffed at it.

"How long hast had that bluddy owd kipper in theer? Me bluddy finger poked reet through it and it stinks rotten!"

"Sorry Bel!"

"Hey up! Getten it!"

She'd mercifully found the front door key and inserted it into the lock then shoved him into his little hallway from behind; then she clod him unceremoniously into his dingy living room where he tripped over the hole in the carpet that the tiger rug normally covered.

Down he went again with a thud bashing his hooter on the tea chest, which he used as a coffee table.

"Ouch. Worra ya shoving me for? Woravva done this time?"

"Ya clumsy bugger! That's for having some nasty things inside yer pants, ya dirty owd dung heap! Reet, get that kipper out of yer jacket pocket right now and shove it in't dustbin. And that's another thing. Why d'ya keep fetching yer bin into't kitchen when a bluddy owd dustbin belongs outside?"

"Well it saves me from gerrin cowd and wet every time I want to throw stuff away. I wheels it out every Thursday for't bin men though!"
 
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